Random Acts of Genius

It's Christmas and I don't really know what to say

2008-12-26T20:28:00.002-07:00

For starters, let me just say that there needs to be a new rule implemented for Christmas. The new rule is that Christians are not allowed in the movie theaters and must remain with their families for the duration of the holiday. Jews and other non-Christ followers have nothing to do and no place to go on the sacred day of Jeshua's birth, other than, of course, the movie theater and Chinese food. But last night, our theater was packed. And given Denver's relative size and the estimated global population of Jews, there's not a chance in hell that most of the people that formed the lines out the door were not Christians.

All joking/half-joking aside, Christmas time is supposed to be a time of family and loved ones. It's supposed to be the season of giving and rejoicing (for whatever reason you choose). It is not, however, supposed to be a season of mourning and grief. Sadly, some of my old friends from back home and I are doing just that. My friend Jackie, whom I'd known since middle school was killed sometime on Christmas Eve before ever getting to spend her holiday with her mom. It is believed the cause of her death is by homicide. And it's a heartbreaking tale that happens to take place at the worst time of the year possible.

We don't know all the details, but we're all shocked just the same. I can't pretend that she and I were close any more. We hadn't really spoken much since graduating in 1997, but we reconnected this summer via Facebook and MySpace and had plans to hang out last Thanksgiving; plans I had to cancel because I got sick. We were both busy with our lives, but we were slowly catching up on the happenings of the past 11 years. But at one point in our lives, I considered here a very good--if not close--friend. And for that I mourn.

It's always sad when someone you know passes. It's particularly sad when it's someone you've considered a friend--past or present--who is your age, and who has been widely regarded as a genuine good person. It's an odd feeling for me to fight back tears while I write this, knowing that we weren't best friends. When I moved to 5280 more than 4 years ago, I'd all but left my Ohio life behind. But news of "Jax's" death brought a rush of memories and emotion, and the undeniable truth that I'll miss her and what would have been our certain reunion in May.

RIP Jax, we love you.

Jesus loves you....

2008-12-21T00:06:00.002-07:00

...everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

you might be a "real" christian if.....

-you have parents that preach abstinence over responsible birth control, yet you have a child out of wedlock.
-you have or have considered getting a divorce, which is strictly prohibited in the bible.
-are steadfastly against gay marriage because you interpret certain lines or passages from the bible as prohibiting it, when in fact, it does not.
-you "believe" in creationism, yet are among the first to compare a stupid human to a monkey, citing obvious similarities.
-you cite "religious" reasons for not consuming alcohol, stating that drinking is a sin. except for that whole jesus turning water into wine thing. that seemed rather important.
-you pass judgment on others' beliefs and behaviors, when your good book explicitly states not to pass judgment unless you accept being judged yourself.
-you proclaim just how much you love this country and everything it stands for and still insist that prayer be introduced at schools and the 10 commandments at public facilities (separation of church and state, anyone?).
-you express outrage at the thought of not being allowed to display nativity scenes on public lands while asking for prohibition of other religions' symbols on those same public lands.
-you repeatedly refer to yourself as a "good christian" while routinely breaking at least one of the 10 commandments daily.
-you pick and choose scripture to support and advance your political agenda.
-you are a complete, total and undeniable hypocrite.

Jewish Christmas

2008-12-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

how hanukkah became a gift-giving "holiday."

"mommy, why did johnny get all those gifts?"
"because johnny is a christian. he's a gentile. it's what they do."
"but i want presents too. we have hanukkah. get me gifts for hanukkah. remember, there are 8 nights."
"fine, 8 presents it is. i can afford it. i own a bank and a film studio."

The opposite of "Progress"is "Congress"

2008-12-10T15:50:00.002-07:00

well, technically, it's "regress," but our congress has managed to continue finding ways to confound, flabbergast and utterly puzzle the mind of the american citizen.

representative joe barton (R-tx) and his cohorts, bobby rush (D-IL) and mike mccaul (R-TX) are planning to introduce a bill to the house that would place the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) National Title Game in direct violation of the FTC act. naturally, they cite this unfair advantage given to certain universities to be in position to earn millions of dollars for being named "champion" and decry the many, many, many (many) shortcomings of the system in providing a fair and level playing field (pun intended) in the big business of college football.

i'm a huge college football fan, and i want a playoff as much as the next guy; maybe even more. but--call me crazy--it seems like congress should have some better things to do than meddle in intercollegiate athletics, at least right now. it just doesn't seem really like the kind of domain that congress would excel in making policy. but i could be wrong.

i guess on the other hand, this move makes complete sense. after all, our economy is booming, we're in a time of peace and prosperity, we've solved not only world hunger, but also the AIDS epidemic, and global warming should be all taken care of in the next month or two. i mean, when you really think about it, maybe congress doesn't have anything better to do since they've already solved all the world's problems in a matter of months. my hope is that they choose an 8 team playoff and not 6, because that wouldn't be fair and may merit an investigation or something.

Um, Duh?

2008-12-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

Today's most ridiculously obvious headline:

Bush: Iraq war longer, costlier than expected-msn.com

really? can you PLEASE hurry the fuck up and leave already?

Sen-sational

2008-11-20T11:50:00.002-07:00

Reason #458 that Alaska should be given away to the Russians:

Alaskans nearly re-elected an 85 year old to Senate who'd been convicted of 7 felony counts of CORRUPTION. There's stupidity and then there's frozen stupidity. Thank god for absentee ballots.

Just Shut Up

2008-11-12T22:03:00.003-07:00

if i were a better, more dedicated and diligent poster, i'd probably make a weekly post entitled "Just Shut Up," beseeching the talking heads, windbags and motormouths to lock it up and spare our ears the stress of hearing such noise.

i'm not that blogger. BUT, for this one week, i will move forward with the post. This week's Just Shut Up award goes to the 1st runner up in the u.s. vice presidential race, sarah palin, the governor of the, ahem, great state of alaska.

sure, we've all seen the interviews that left us laughing, rithing and itching for more. her time with katie couric was quite possibly the most painful, yet fulfilling, segment ever aired on television. but even after the debacle, even after being vanquished by more eloquent, more intelligent and generally more likeable opponents, the governor remains--for reasons that defy logic--popular among her shattered party.

normally when a politician loses a high-profile race they vanish from the public eye, shrinking back into the role they previously held in society, whatever it may be. but mrs. palin refuses to go away, now granting all the interviews her handlers prohibited during the race. she keeps hogging the spotlight and, worse, keeps talking.

forget for a moment her political ideology, odd and inconsistent as it is. the alaskan assassin (of campaigns) wins this award going away for her incessant use of the words "nation," "also," "too," and constantly repeating phrases within the structure of the same sentence that render her nearly incomprehensible.

in recent interviews, palin talks about doing whatever god and the people of alaska want her to do to "progress the nation," and also too thinks that she may also run for president in 2012, too, because it would be good for "this great nation."

she rather reminds me of an older, northern version of ms. south carolina when she attempts to answer any question that can't be answered yes or no. it's as if she has only 2 strategies for answering a question: 1) keep talking as long as possible, hoping to either bore the questioner into agreement, or to hopefully stumble upon a single solitary point with which someone may agree and 2) to fill a sentence with as many conjunctions and adjectives as possible to confuse the living hell out of anyone (a la the couric interview) who's listening so they forget what the question actually was.

worse yet, sarahcudda even sounds as if she's trying to convince herself that she knows what she's talking about. it's evident to virtually everyone, except republicans i guess, that the woman knows nothing of american history, world geography or commerce, or any tenets of foreign policy. yet she babbles on about how the president elect needs to understand that "the terrorists haven't changed their minds."

look, people want to follow people who are articulate, bright, ambitious and savvy. and you don't have to be a rocket surgeon or a brain scientist to lead. but any time you can somehow manage to make GW Bush look like a member of mensa it's time to put your political aspirations on the back burner and visit the guidance counselor.

so, to governor sarah palin of alaska. JUST SHUT UP!

Pride and Prejudice

2008-11-04T22:38:00.002-07:00

I haven't written in quite a while. Frankly, I've been too self-absorbed and too damn lazy to write anything, really, even though I've kept fairly busy. But tonight, I have an impetus, a motivation and a reason to write. It's a great day for America.

It's a great day for America and a day to be proud. I'm proud that the youth of a nation finally fulfilled its promise to show up and be heard for once. I'm proud that the guy whom I joked about while I lived in Chicago for having a funny name spread a message of hope and destiny in a way no one else has. I'm proud that the old man, after a well deserved defeat, rediscovered the voice of the old John McCain--the one that we all knew and respected and who was dragged through the mud by W--and delivered an eloquent, gracious and substantive concession speech.

I'm proud that after 220+ years on the face of the earth, our country saw fit to cast aside bigotry and prejudice, and speak in one voice overwhelmingly in support of a Black candidate. I am proud that my party finally got its collective shit together and ran a complete campaign, clean as any in recent history. I am proud that my home state of Ohio finally got an election right. I'm proud that I was part of a movement that has begun a fundamental shift in the American psyche, where red states will vote blue and blue states embrace red. And, finally, I'm proud to have been witness to history and yet another phenomenal speech.

Yes we can, yes we have and yes we will.

Down on the corner, out on Main Street

2008-09-29T22:54:00.003-06:00

media types crack me up. the very people that are paid to put a creative, interesting spin on the bland old news of the day will seize any opportunity to take the easy way out and use easy plays on words or other phrases and terminologies that are supposed to stick in our minds. "the palin effect" comes to mind recently (kimmel has a great couple of videos splicing footage of all the talking heads using the phrase that pays) among a handful of others.

but all pale in comparison to the one dominating the headlines recently: "from wall street to main street." i find this laughable because the ones that created this corny tagline are undoubtedly from areas devoid of any true main street. furthering the insult, politicians--the ones living in fancy houses (like 13 of them, perhaps?) in large metropolitan areas or their richer suburban climes--have adopted the saying as well. it makes for a catchy campaign term, but the fact is that the idealistic "main street" both media and politicos so fondly talk about no longer exists, particularly in their necks of the woods.

before cell phones, the internet and ATMs, there was a "main street" america. it was at the heart of all the smallest towns, hamlets, villages and unincorporated areas of the country. even the larger cities had an area or two that conjured up nostalgic feelings of community and of a central gathering area. but that idyllic painting faded years ago as people in cities retreated to their offices and homes, suburbanites moved to exurbs and rural dwellers no longer had much need for a main street because they could simply accomplish most anything they needed to from home.

i'm amazed at how out of touch these creative minds really are with the reality of our society. the truth is that while there is most certainly a Wall Street (or what's left of it anyway), there just isn't any longer a Main Street--either because it's been renamed for some local sports hero or because people just no longer congregate as they used to--leaving their coup de grâce of clever wordplay and imagery out cold...on the street.

One man does it alone

2008-09-23T21:15:00.002-06:00

i could write some long-winded, smarmy post but i won't. i read this article on ESPN.com about a former athlete that finally got it right. the article speaks for itself and it's a great read. good on you, mr. bender. good on you.

***if only more "role" models would only live up to the moniker and expectations.....

Is that my line?

2008-09-20T00:04:00.002-06:00

my political affiliation isn't much of a secret, and i'm anything if not staunch in my views and gladly throw my support behind those who share my views. but none of this precludes me from hating politicians from both sides of the aisle.

i thought my ire had reached its peak when a certain governor from a certain, ahem, "state" had an interview with a fairly credible journalist and failed to comprehend the basic principles of the doctrine of her predecessor. it certainly reinforced my figuring that americans are, in no uncertain terms, fucking stupid and have no problem flaunting it by supporting their elementary school librarian for the 2nd highest office in the land. but then came a moment that shot my blood pressure through the rough and forced steam from my ears....and it came from MY candidate.

let me understand one thing: you've been on the stump for how long now? and after all this time of repeating the same thing over and over and over and over and then over some more, you STILL can't remember what you're supposed to say without reading a goddamned queue card? really?!

you know when you're lying in bed at night all relaxed and suddenly you pick up on this annoying little sound and it's the only thing you can focus on? well, the same thing is happening to me every time i see a political ad (local, state, federal or otherwise) where there's a person talking to the camera. i haven't a clue what they're actually saying because i've tuned them out. instead, i focus on their eyes and see if they ever avert their gaze from the queue card and talk to me from the heart. and the answer is always no. and it makes me want to make my own ad where i speak to politicians and i say "i see your lips moving, but all i hear is 'blah blah blah blah. i'm a dirty skank.'"

look, if you want to be taken seriously and you want us to believe you're genuine in your words and in your convictions, it may be a good idea to be able to recite these things by rote memory. just a suggestion.

but i guess it's a good thing i don't actually hear what they're saying. ya know, since every article i've read in the past few weeks claim that none of the "facts" contained in these ads are true. god, you just gotta love election season.

Biden my time

2008-08-22T23:28:00.003-06:00

i just thought everyone should know that i'm down-fucking-right ecstatic that the skinny kid with the funny name has selected big joe biden as his running mate. somewhere (most likely L.A.), bill maher is happy too. hooray! now, let's hope that mcsame fucks up. :)

Gimme that which I desire

2008-08-21T10:05:00.000-06:00

see, i told you.

Gimme Fuel Gimme FIre....

2008-08-19T22:06:00.002-06:00

give the people what they want!

the political mudslinging has unceremoniously begun. and just like the other campaigns of the television era, the attacks get more and more ridiculous.

i'm not sure why i expected anything less than the same old politics from the same old politicians, but i was really hoping that this year would be different. of course, without the help of the RNP, i'd never have known that obama was to blame for high gas prices, or that democrats do nothing but vote against domestic energy development and want to keep the middle class down by keeping prices on everything high. of course, how could i forget that inflating your tires properly is NOT an effective method for gaining MPG?

let's get one thing straight, the republicans have this all wrong. and i don't say this as a registered dem., i say this from the standpoint of common fucking sense. new drilling won't do the trick and it shouldn't be the basis of an energy plan. know why? 'cause it won't deliver any new energy for 10 FREAKIN' YEARS! how does that help us now?

as a partial, yet objective observer, the dems have it right. well, mostly, anyway. alternative fuels are the wave of the future and the long term solution. natural gas is a nice addition, but solar, wind, geothermal and hydrogen cells are the most abundant, cheapest in the long term and generally cleaner and healthier for all of us.

only now are americans catching up to the rest of the world in environmental intelligence. only now are we FINALLY cutting back on our gas guzzling SUVs since gas prices have hit $4.00+. and now we're all left to wonder how we're going to make it work and decide whose fault it was that we "didn't see it coming." if the republican leadership has any questions about why we were left so unprepared, they need only to look in the mirror for the answer, not at the skinny kid with the funny name.

Beiching!

2008-08-11T21:14:00.003-06:00

i'm not ordinarily a fan of the olympics; in part because save for 1996, it's usually on the other side of the world which screws with my schedule and in the other part because i don't understand how shooting a bb gun is more a sport than softball or baseball. my normal feelings aside, i gotta hand it to the chinamen for putting on a wicked kick ass games so far. the opening ceremony was nothing short of phenomenal (except for that stupid parade of nations, which every olympics has to do. it's fucking boring!) and the organizers from the people's republic lucked into some compelling circumstances surround stuff i ordinarily couldn't possibly care about less like swimming (how could anyone not be in love with dara torres? oh, and you're pretty cool too, phelps). crazy awesome relay finish anyone?

i still can't bring myself to watch men's diving or gymnastics and, really, the best part of the summer olympics has to be the track events anyway. but all in all, i've found myself much more involved, invested and caring about these games than any other i've seen. even if it is in the homeland of our mortal adversary. thank you, women's beach volleyball, for restoring my faith and interest in the games (i love you misty may-treanor. matt is a lucky guy!). USA!

Monsoon too soon

2008-08-08T23:40:00.003-06:00

so, we had this cute little record going. something like 25 consecutive days above 90 degrees (no big deal for arizonans, most texans and a handful of californians). remember, we're closer to the sun than you, so when it's 97 here, it's BLISTERING hot. we hadn't had any rain in more than 3 weeks and the state was, you guessed it, burning.

mother nature woke up from her nap and decided to quell the heat. except the dumb broad left the faucet running....to the tune of 2.5 inches of rain in an hour. for 2 consecutive days. that's a lot of water to begin with, but have you any idea what that does when half of your state is burned out? yeah, it causes flooding. so, we've gone from intense drought and a burning mountain range to flash floods across the state.

attention mother nature, moderation. ever heard of it? bitch.

Jello Pudddddding

2008-08-01T23:24:00.002-06:00

so, for some reason i was watching leno tonight and bill cosby was on. i'd just gotten back from the gym (i like going on friday nights because it's absolutely the best workout of the week!) and just flicked on the tube. there was old man pudding doing stand up.

i loved the cosby show just like everyone else, but sweet mother of christ, who told bill he's funny? even his old stuff--regarded as classic--wasn't really that good. please, cliff huxtable, please just stick with shilling creamy cups of goodness and leave the funny business to the professionals.

Brett Favre - BAM!

2008-07-30T17:59:00.002-06:00

brett farve. go the fuck away. seriously. jesus christ.

Powered Down

2008-07-27T11:13:00.003-06:00

why do i keep losing power just about every night? either greenpeace made a "die hard" takeover of Xcel, or someone has seriously fucked up our grid. last night marked the 4th night in a row that i woke up to my desktop being off and my microwave reading "pf." pf? what the fuck does that mean?

i don't live in california, so rolling blackouts are not an option. i think drunk people keep running into the transformer with their cars.

on a lighter note (get it, lighter?), at least the state isn't on fire. yet.

Rock me gently

2008-07-03T09:33:00.003-06:00

rock me slowly. or just rock it hard.

i had no idea what to expect, really. there have been first hand accounts that he looked like an emaciated coke fiend, which directly contradicted the assertion they're the greatest rock band ever. their appearance on kimmel in may was absolute trash; the vocals were terrible, the instrumentals just a bit off, and the performance as a whole was pretty awful.

but last night, STP came roaring back to my life after a nearly 8 year absence and rocked the living fuck out of red rocks amphitheater. the night started slowly, as frank black--the former front man of the pixies--opened with nary an applause. i'd hoped that it wasn't foreshadowing of things to come. the lengthy delay between frank and STP triggered my mind immediately back to the days of never-ending stories about scott weiland's drug problem, and everyone around us was joking that scotty boy was holding up the show because he couldn't get the needle all the way in.

finally, they made it to the stage and, jesus, did that place EXPLODE. my friends and i took bets on the opening song, and only g-strang's pick made it within 3 songs of the opener. no one foresaw "big empty" as the choice du jour for the set list (for the record, i picked "vasoline." other choices were "interstate love song" and "sex type thing."). the set list ebbed and flowed magically, stringing together slower, more melodic songs, followed by a rush of 3 or 4 rockin' tunes in a row. at one point, the entire crowd of 10,000+ was singing along to "plush," so much so that weiland dropped the mic and allowed us to sing an entire chorus verse without his aid. needless to say, that was wicked awesome.

unlike their appearance on kimmel only 2 months prior, the boys were dead on for the entire set. every song, with the exception of a few vocal flourishes, sounded just as they did on cd. i wished that weiland would end his love affair with the megaphone he'd brought with him, but i can overlook that little tidbit and see the bigger picture for what it was: a rocked out show by one of my all-time favorite bands in an unbelievable atmosphere, replete with the ugliest fans i've ever seen.

"you towed the line and i know it was mine......"

MPG BS

2008-06-30T19:56:00.002-06:00

"come in today and test drive the fuel efficient GMC Acadia today!" exclaims the announcer.

every automobile commercial today is talking all sorts of shit about fuel efficiency, gas mileage and environmental friendliness. i'd just about lost it after seeing the commercial for the new ford edge, with it's "drive the new ford edge, with the best fuel efficiency in its class." the starburst graphic proudly displays "up to 24 miles per gallon."

really? when did 'up to' 24 mpg become fuel efficient? 1982, that's when. that was the year that the average vehicle reached 21.5 mpg. so, pray tell, what the hell have we been doing in the intervening 26 years???? well, adding fancy new in-cabin entertainment, additional cupholders and approximately 1,000 lbs. per vehicle. that's what.

i find it hard to believe that no one--the government, detroit, even japan--has decided in the past quarter century that it may be a good idea to make some alterations to our vehicles to lessen their thirst for our fossil fuels. instead, the government decided that additional drilling, more purchasing and additional trade was the way to go. smart.

sooner or later, someone will wise up to the fact that drilling in alaska or off shore somewhere will only prolong the energy crisis we're experiencing now. yeah, we'll have more fuel for our cars now at the expense of possibly fueling anything else in the future. but who cares, right? live for today, they always say.

in the past 25 years we've seen the creation and identification of AIDS, mobile telephones, a world wide interweb machine doohicky and an assortment of other technological advances once thought impossible, if dreamed at all. in that same time frame our cars have gotten bigger, uglier and more home-like...but haven't improved an iota in performance.

as detroit feels the crushing burden of a shit economy--driven down by high fuel, a crap housing market, and the credit crunch--it seems now may be the most opportune time to begin truly innovating and leading the charge to bigger, better and more efficient things. being the first to market with a 70 mpg vehicle would certainly garner them some mad market share and would, more importantly, spurn a trend of innovation that finally resolves the issue of MPG. but the powers that be in auburn hills, the ren cen, and dearborn have yet to extract their heads from their collective assess, and their marketers are more than happy to try and pull the wool over the consumer's eyes.

and in other news, water is wet.

Surprise!

2008-06-12T23:49:00.003-06:00

the old man trod on stage, clad in a dank button down shirt, some slacks and a union soldier's civil war hat. seated at a keyboard at the front of the stage and surrounded by his mates, robert bradley stole the spotlight though he couldn't see it.

for the first time in 6 years, i attended a robert bradley's blackwater surprise show. they've perpetually been one of my favorite bands since the brothers wolfe and hollywood introduced me to them 10 years ago. in that time i've accumulated virtually every album they've produced, save the live version of their Bloomington, IN NYE show. needless to say i was STOKED that they'd arrived in our fair mile-high city for an evening with their followers.

my last memory of bobby, as i call him, was of an old, decrepit, 60 year old blind black dude with a shit ton of excess energy to burn on stage. tonight, el senor bradley was a broken down, 58-year old blind dude (yeah, he got younger??) with less physical energy but a reservoir of moxy.

after his opening act left, bob and the boys opened with "time to remember." it's a good song, not one of my favorites, but altogether a good start. the show mosied about at a nice, comfortable pace. "higher," one of my all-time faves, lacked a little gusto without kid rock lending his--ahem--talent to the mix. it just seemed to be missing something, but nevertheless, it was a lively performance.

of the entire set, there were 2 songs i didn't know (i also got the feeling that i was the only one there that knew the lyrics to all of the others). one was a new one they hadn't yet officially recorded--and i'm not psychic. the other was a song from the HBO movie lackawanna blues. i didn't know that song because a) lackawanna blues was about 4 years ago and b) the movie sucked so i didn't watch the whole thing, or enough to know the song. i digress.

RBBS took 2 curtain calls. but they were kind of half-assed. ya know, it's sort of difficult to trick the crowd into thinking you're done when you have to lead your lead singer off stage with a cane and grabbing his arm and then try and "surprise" the audience with a triumphant return. each time they returned, however, they received a raucous ovation. sadly, in neither of their encores did the boys manage to include "california" or "trouble brother," two of the band's more blues-y songs. disappointed as i was, i couldn't have been happier to have driven to homogeneous suburbia to catch my old black man rockin' to the blues. after a 6 year absence from my life, robert bradley's blackwater surprise was definitely a pleasant one.

PS. RBBS will be releasing a new album sometime later this summer. keep an eye out. if you've never heard them, you owe it to yourself to give a listen.

CWS

2008-06-08T16:45:00.002-06:00

among the mass chaos of life, i've forgotten just how much i enjoy college baseball. it's pure, passionate baseball from guys who actually have to pay most of their own way through college. with any luck, pops will come up with some tickets and i'll be sittin' pretty in good ole omaha in june...of 2009

Semantically Suspended

2008-06-06T17:38:00.002-06:00

suspend; verb. "to cause to stop temporarily"

it's a matter of gross semantics with these politicians. hillary clinton "suspended" her run for the white house, just like mr. mitten suspended his, and rudy his. when exactly did this changeover from "losing" and "abandoning" (among other words) to "suspend" happen?

there is no answer more obvious than the continuous pussification of the american public. it started with the ill-conceived notion that we must protect our children from every possible one of life's great harms. which, in turn, started us down the path of political correctness to protect everyone from the harm words and phrases can cause. and now the phenomenon has reached its highest level, our nation's--ahem--leaders.

politicians are now so overly afraid of the notion of losing that they've forced a semantic change in our lexicon, naturally perpetuated by our brain-dead media. our leaders' feelings are now so fragile that the thought of losing a campaign is unbearable and they'll go to great strides to avoid the agony that accompanies defeat by assessing false hope for a different outcome in the future.

in reality it's an effort by our hungry power brokers to maintain--in their minds--some modicum of control over the events of their lives. by taking a proactive stance and announcing their choice to "suspend" their aspirations for a high office, they believe falsely that they're demonstrating to the public their abilities to take the high road in the face of adversity. sadly, they seem not to understand that the great majority of us can see right through the bs and straight to the true statement: "i'm afraid to admit i've lost."

it's a sad day for america when the thought of losing a contest is so abhorrent that people will go to great lengths to spin the truth. it speaks to our collective sense of entitlement and lack of character. it highlights our inability to maturely and appropriately overcome personal adversity and emphasizes our weakness to admit failure.

our leaders' reluctance to acknowledge simple defeat at the hands of a superior opponent is a microcosm of what the american public has become...a collection of frontrunners. perhaps, for the first and last time in human existence, we should take a page from the professional athletes' books and humbly accept our shortcomings and failures rather than trying to rewrite history to cover them up.

What the f*ck?

2008-05-30T20:20:00.002-06:00

you're distant, you're cold. you're unpredictable and unable and unwilling to express yourself. you never called, you never wrote. you made nary an effort. you couldn't tell me it was over, expecting me to figure it out. you gave no reason, no answer, no rationale. and now you want my friendship? to you, dear ex, a hearty "what the fuck?"

Catching up

2008-05-24T13:40:00.002-06:00

it's been nearly a month since i've written. i haven't been incapacitated. and it's not that i haven't had anything to write about. it's simply that i just didn't want to. my 3 week mini vacation away from RAOG has proven to be ample time to provide substantial content in all aspects of life. here is the good, the bad and the ugly, broken out newspaper style:

arts and entertainment

summer concert season has descended upon denver. i got my hands on two tickets to see STP at red rocks in july. yeah, that STP at that red rocks. how bad ass is that? i'm hoping that it's made up for my inability to get tickets to see eddie izzard when he comes to town. something tells me i'm gonna end up paying an arm and a leg to see the crazy executive transvestite. my boy bill is coming too, but i think i'll pass on tix, since the last time i saw him live, i recited most of his show for him. ya know, 'cause it's exactly the same materials from the show. robert bradley is coming next month, and i'll be in attendance at some stupid venue in a god-damned suburban mall. the show will hopefully be good enough to counteract the NOFX show i was dragged to a few weeks back. that show would have been pretty entertaining, until i remembered that i hate punk rock and the punk followers. a trip to lollapallooza is potentially in order as well.

american idol is garbage. so is survivor. how these shows are STILL on is beyond me. actually, i get it. ratings keep them on the air. so, let me rephrase: how people are still dumb enough to watch such trash is completely beyond me. what percentage of AI viewers do you suppose happened to watch the john adams miniseries? 10%? 2? .1? sure, it's entertainment (but it's not tv, it's hbo!), but it was very educational, even for a history fan like me. more people need to watch higher quality programming. then advertisers will push producers to come up with higher quality programs, and we'll have a complete paradigm shift back to the way things used to be before paradise hotel and FLAVA FLAV!

weather

summer appears to have awoken from its slumber and has made a not-so-impressive appearance. for the 4 days we've had in the 80s (and 1 that touched 90), they've each been met with an equal or higher number of days in the 60s. last year we had a week of spring. this year we'll be lucky to get 2 months of summer. el nino and global warming should have a cage match to the death, since they're the 2 biggest culprits assailing our weather norms. looking ahead over the next few weeks, i think we'll get into the full swing of the summer season, which means i just have to wait for the white shit to melt off of the big hills before i can get my hiking and biking in at high altitude. hurry the hell up!

lifestyle

i hate old people. it used to be that i hated kids, but i've recently determined that kids are far more tolerable than the rickety, decrepit elderly jerk offs running around. obviously, i'm destined to be one of them when i grow older, given my bitter overtones at my current age. but i see this as a sign from above that maybe i shouldn't live to see that age. the world will be better off anyway.

by the way, in case i've never mentioned it, i'm back to the single life. have been for a couple of months now. and i think i don't like it again. is it really possible to become so bored so quickly of your dating status? christ, when i am dating someone, i long to be single again. and after 2-3 months of being single, i yearn to be taken once more. what the fuck?

i'm reinforcing my ambivalence toward name brand clothing. i need new clothes pretty badly. but i'll be damned if you see me shelling out $50 for a pair of shorts and an equal amount on shirt. i see so many people at work running around in their $100 threads. well, i've reverted back to the anti-boutique shopping mentality. know where i get good deals? kohl's. yes, kohl's, the red-headed step child to jc penny's and nordstrom. know why? a) cuz i don't give a shit what the tag says on the inside, so long as it looks good on me on the outside and fits well and b) because kohl's seems to always have a sale where they're basically giving stuff away. i love it and i'm a better person for embracing it.

business and finance

i got promoted about a month ago, but my raise doesn't kick in till this next paycheck. weak, i know. weaker, still, is that my raise was about 15k less than anticipated/deserved. seriously, i've had half a mind to try and negotiate, but given the current business environment we're in, i don't have a leg to stand on...yet. nevertheless, my new comp. package includes a decent commission/bonus structure for any new business that i manage to bring in. i guess potential is as powerful as actually earning. or maybe not. but i do have the potential for six figures this year. then again, most everyone can say that.

civil law is ludicrous and unfair. i've been embroiled in a lease legal wrangling from 3 years ago, and somehow i've been singled out as the sole soul responsible for bearing the burden. yep, i'm being held legally responsible for someone else's mistakes, and there's not a god damn thing i can do about it...except let them go into my bank account, withdraw everything in there, leaving me with a negative balance and requiring me to change banks on the fly to avoid a possible repeat next week. that couldn't happen, right? except that it did. last week. and i'm pissed.

gas is $4 a gallon in denver now. our coastal friends (and those in chicago) have been feeling this pinch for a while and, well, it sucks. all you ever hear is how "america is the best country on earth." why, then, can a country like brazil, which evidently is not the #1 country on earth, be completely energy independent and we can't be? the technology is there, the NEED is there and everyone wants it. oh, that's right, because the exxon's and conoco's of the world just raked in $12 billion....last QUARTER. why fix it if it ain't broke?

when i get my financial shit squared away and begin hammering away at the nearly impossible task of restoring my credit to it's former glory, i'm gonna buy a house. not a condo, a house. and why not? everyone and his brother is in foreclosure on his home. surely i can swing a decent deal within a year, no?

sports

baseball is nearing mid-season form. there have been surprises--like the tampa bay rays being decent, the shit louis cardinals hanging on for dear life, and the tigers of detroit absolutely sucking balls--but luckily, my cubs have been good enough to keep things entertaining for me as the season drags into the dog day doldrums. and good thing, too, 'cause the rest of the sports world hasn't given me anything to pay attention to. has anyone noticed that the NBA has quickly become one of the most boring, emotionless and worthless athletic ventures in the history of man? normally i'll at least watch some of the playoffs. but this year, i can't even muster the strength to watch a single game; game 7 or otherwise. you know it's a sad state of affairs when you prefer the following to a televised NBA game: food network, travel channel, history channel, C-span, lifetime, we, nickelodeon or hgtv.

the tour de france is coming up in about a month and a half. and for the first time in over 10 years, i couldn't possibly care less. at least in the past there have been some interesting plot lines--outside of lance, even. but this year, after cycling was devastated by yet more doping scandals, i've lost all interest.

thankfully, the countdown to college football is underway. t-minus 3 months.......

opinion

my opinion is that we need to hurry up and end the dem race for the nomination and hurry up with our general election. as great as it'll be to get the monkey in chief out of office, i dread having to sit through 6 more months of slanderous mud slinging political ads. of course, if there were a god, we'd have a 3rd party candidate running to. maybe we should create something called the party of common sense. our platform will be to only make legislation that makes sense. novel idea, i know. i think i'll be the party chairman.

my opinion is that more people need to blog. there's just not enough good stuff to read lately, save the old standbys (thanks for entertaining me, gpg). i'm as guilty as the next guy (looking at you jet blach), but then again, i'm not really that entertaining to begin with.

i'll have more opinions as i begin to care more about writing again. though, i must admit, i kinda like this 1-month-off-then-write-something schedule. maybe i've missed my calling in life.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - A Review...

2008-04-20T01:04:00.002-06:00

...in 100 words or less (my first post in april!)

superbad cast plus segel. funny but not crass. vunerable segel is loveable and pathetic all at once. wallows in his grief, yet drops gem after gem. kristin bell, michigan beauty. unaware, vunerable and a total manipulator. jonah hill contributes nothing, while stunning Mila Kunis revives her career. Sexy, sweet and carefree. A laugh a minute, but never a gut buster. Hotel supporting cast perfectly executed (including Souf Centro representin’), and Jesus-freak newly wed is the surprising shining light. Aptow on a roll with his typical style and (un)grace. Fairly predictable heartbreak story told in a not-so-predictable way.

Overall Grade: A-

Word Count: 97

Park is Open

2008-03-31T18:40:00.001-06:00

it's opening day. i am happy. except that my cubs got off to a typical cub start. of course, they opened at home in typical cub home opener weather (read: rainy, windy, 36 degrees). all is right with the world. play ball!

When I See A Little Light

2008-03-30T23:05:00.003-06:00

what is it with companies these days luring artists into selling out to be in their commercials? whatever happened to those cheesy little jingles that would stick in your head for hours and days on end like the freecreditreport.com ones ("f-r-e-e that spells free." thanks alot, bastards).

apple and mitsubishi, i believe, are the original perpetrators of this movement. apple secured foreigner yael naim and her poor "new soul" to hock their wares, while mitsubishi has run the gamut with their selection of sell outs; from fat boy slim to the french version of elastica, the prototypes. now TIAA-CREF has gotten in on the act, kidnapping one of college rock's pioneers, bob mould, formerly of husker du and sugar, using his "see a little light" song to tell everyone about their financial services for the greater good (i had to look that up. the hallmark of bad and ineffective advertising).

when did it become acceptable and chic for artists to sell out like this? i hate that it has, but i really can see both sides to it. on one hand, the artists do need to make some scratch and the advertisers do need something catchy to make their ad stand out. but on the other, i think it sucks that artist and advertiser alike have no problem assailing the integrity, modesty and artistry of the original work.

i guess if i had my way, companies would commission artists to score original music for their ads; to create something that actually and directly relates to what's being sold. this way everyone wins: artists get paid, advertisers get customized music to fit their products and services, and the rest of us get to continue enjoying the music the way it was intended....for our entertainment.

(btw, if you haven't yet heard "see a little light," i recommend it with a 'b' grade for its 80s off-key pop value.)

Spelled with an X, Pronounced with a Z

2008-03-28T16:30:00.003-06:00

the little brother of the university of cincinnati, Xavier University, has a basketball team. and they're really damn good. my fair city has rallied behind our musketeers (in the absence of our bearcats) and they've responded with a beautiful run to the Elite 8 on account of their hustle, style and grit.

but there is no quicker way to piss of the entirety of southwest ohio (and parts of indiana and kentucky) than to mispronounce the name of the school in the midst of a magical run. yes, xavier--or "X" as we call it back home--starts with the letter x. it is, however, pronounced as if it were spelled with a z. Zavier, not Ex avier.

someone should make a new rule that if you're to be considered an "expert" or a "pundit" in any particular field, especially collegiate athletics, you should be required to at least know how to pronounce properly the names of all the schools in the tournament. ya know, since everyone but reece davis seems to get it wrong.

i was Xstatic to see my/our muskies pull out a dramatic win over a team led by my team's former coach, the huggy bear. sadly, in the interest of winning my office pool, i must root against the X-men in their next game, since i have UCLA winning it all and i really want the money. besides, i'm a bearcat fan at heart. and we never really want little brother to have that much success.

Here Piggy Piggy

2008-03-19T22:16:00.002-06:00

unless you are one, most people hate cops. black people hate them because a run in tends to end in a beat down and arrest. hispanics hate them because cops assume all latinos to be illegal and "no speaka da eengleesh." people in maryland hate them because the cops there speed, get caught on camera and refuse to pay the tickets because citations are issued to the owner of the vehicle (in their case, the city), not the individual. people in ohio hate them because troopers there calibrate their radar guns about 6 miles slower than the actual speed, which allows for more tickets and, therefore, more revenue.

i hate them because, well, they're pricks who think they're above the laws they're bound to enforce. even in my little enclave, which spans a whopping 1 square mile in size, cops will do anything to take a shortcut. just this evening on my way home from the gym--a 4 minute drive across our hamlet within a city--3 cops used their lights for evil, not good. in all 3 instances, the offenders, er, officers, flashed their lights as they pulled up to a red stop light. naturally, the magical lights give them super powers to fly through intersections without so much as a glance to see if anyone else is there. and in true cop(out) fashion, as soon as each had safely traversed the intersection, the seeming emergency had miraculously been resolved, thus, flashing lights were no longer required.

1 square mile. it takes literally 6 minutes (including stop lights) to cross from one end of our village to the other. what business, other than an actual crime or emergency, could an officer of the law have that would require he/she save a whole 15 seconds to pass through an intersection unimpeded? none.

i want flashing lights too. then i can break the law and endanger lives while hiding under the guise of protecting and serving (myself).

Black Magic

2008-03-11T22:35:00.002-06:00

so the worldwide leader in sports has decided to air a 2-week series about the achievements of black athletes this month. and while it's certainly commendable on several levels that they recognize the contributions to of lesser known athletes (or those who are better known for coaching like temple's john chaney), i'm irked by a couple of key points.

1. why air this in march? black history month is traditionally in february. in fact, i think it's always in february. i'm not black. i'm sure that comes as a shock. and frankly, i think a black history month is a terrible idea, since it essentially ridicules the advancements of society and achievements of blacks throughout our history by attempting to encapsulate them all into one month. nevertheless, we all know when black history month is. so wouldn't make the most sense to air this mini-series during the time when black achievement is at the forefront (well, closer to it anyway) of our minds? not a huge issue, but an issue nonetheless.

2. of all the famous blacks, of all the well-respected living professionals from all walks of life, of all the people in the world ESPN could have asked to host and narrate this series, they choose the Reverend Jesse Fucking Jackson. oh. my. god. this is the equivalent--if we had a "white history month"--of having david duke or the late and not-so-great strom thurmond host and narrate a series on the achievements of whites. are you kidding me? the series is an okay idea to start with. but, sweet mother of mercy, how could anyone make such a galactically stupid decision to hire this race baiter and news chaser to host? wow. simply wow.

dedicating a singular month to any one race is ridiculous. but, let's face it, no matter how hard we try to erase it, slavery actually did happen. i suppose this latest guilt-riddled attempt to try and wipe away the evils of the past is an acceptable homage, in theory, to black athletes and their contributions. but if you're going to take the time and spend the energy to piece together some rather poignant and powerful stories, at least have the decency to select somebody that EVERYONE respects to host it. at least then maybe we'll watch it and appreciate it.

Random Acts of Thinking

2008-03-06T21:36:00.003-07:00

the gods saw fit to bring back the creativity in hollywood by ending the writers' strike and in the process rejuvenated the voice of my leader, bill maher. and though i'm loath to rip off materials and ideas from the last bastion of common sense in the world, i feel obligated to finish what i've started. so i'm gonna do it anyway. (don't sue me, bill. i'm on your side bra')

but instead of a full-fledge rules (i can't have too many new rules in a row. i'm a man of the people, not a blogarchy), we'll pass these corollaries, ordinances and regulations. so here we go....

-mother nature must admit to being a wretched bitch and stop treating denver like a red-headed step child. take some midol and get over your period called "winter." hot, cold. warm, freezing. snow, sun and more fucking snow. make up your god damned mind already! it's no wonder it's "mother" nature and not "father" nature. father nature wouldn't give a shit about the weather. he'd just be on the couch with his hand down his pants watching the NCAA tournament without giving a second thought to the fact he gave winter park 450 INCHES OF SNOW IN 3 MONTHS.

-the word is "dominant," not "dominate." all over the world wide web machine people (mostly fantasy baseball geeks) are furthering the bastardization of our language that tween girls started with their stupid text message language by telling us how "dominate" a pitcher or hitter is. dominate is a verb, as in "the 400 lb. mistress dominates the 40-year old virgin." whereas dominant is an adjective describing physical or mental superiority as in, "my right hand is my dominant hand because it's my go-to masturbation hand." get it? good. now get it right!

-daylight savings time is stupid, archaic and must be destroyed. fall back an hour, spring forward an hour. stand upside down on your head. stick your thumb up your ass. what wouldn't those farmers do for an extra hour of daylight for their crops? better yet, who fucking cares? agriculture has been taken over by agro-corporations like ADM and ConAgra. i'm almost 100% certain they've figured out how to grow and harvest crops in the sunlight provided during NORMAL calendar days. thankfully, my clocks automatically adjust because they change DST every damn year (kinda like chanukkah and passover, but without the gifts or the crappy food) and i can't keep it straight. the only purpose it serves is to add 2 days of the year where i'm even more confused than normal. and to think, the only people that understand how backwards this is live in states like indiana and arizona--the beacons of intellect.

-college sports fans MUST stop rushing the field or court when their team wins a meaningless game. it's a fairly recent trend; i'd guess it started within the past 5 years. every big highlight i can remember--nc state over houston, bc over miami, colorado over michigan (i still fucking hate you kordell stewart. i'll never forgive you for that)--all of these great highlights showed the team members celebrating amongst themselves after the victory. but recently, any upset, at any time of the year is grounds for the student section to pour on the field of play and celebrate a crowning achievement. and it's ridiculous. there's an old saying taught to athletes competing in the limelight, "act like you've been there before." so, act like you've won before....even if you're rutgers.

New Rule....We The People

2008-03-03T23:14:00.003-07:00

New Rule:

Politicians must know the actual form of government of the country they intend to run.

for the last 4 years i've been dying waiting for the next presidential election to arrive. i've been eagerly awaiting--as most of us have--the chance to finally bid a less than fond farewell to the resident retard-in-chief and get on with the business of not having the world hate us.

and then i started watching tv coverage of this campaign season and i remembered oh so vividly just why i hate politicians of all stripes with such a passion. none of them even know what they're running for.

for nearly 8 years, we've been spoonfed metric tons worth of bullshit about the need to spread democracy throughout the world. perhaps it'd have been wise to start here at home, seeing as how we're not even a democracy. yet, the talking head politicos are more than content to parrot the phrase over and over.

you see, democracy comes from the greek "demokratia," meaning "rule of the people." when, exactly, was the last time our people actually ruled? when, pray tell, was the last time the will of the people was fully and duly enforced by our government? my guess would be sometime shortly after the country was founded and not a moment thereafter.

we are a constitutional republic, perhaps even a democratic republic. but we are not a democracy. in a true democracy, there are no leaders because everyone is a leader. each citizen's voice is heard and carries equal weight. in our constitutional republic, the only voices heard are of those who pay the most money and buy their way into the limelight.

make no mistake. i'll be voting in this election for the least of the evils available. but my resentment and distrust of politicians has hit a crescendo. it bothers me to no end that they can bash each other up until the general election and then support one another like bestest friends forever. but i am robbed of any faith i may once have had in any of them when not one--not the war hero, not the former first lady, not the skinny kid with the funny name--can accurately describe the makeup and governmental order of our own country.

hail to the oligarchal chief.

Take off your Mitts

2008-02-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

so, another republican presidential candidate is gone. yay. Mitt from the Mitten bailed on his bid for the white house after sinking about $35 million of his own dough into his campaign. i love seeing rich white guys like him fail. (aside: did you see the video of him pandering to black kids, complimenting their "bling bling?" rated super highly on the unintentional comedy scale).

but the funniest thing to me about this--other than the republicans are now depending on Father Time to win the oval office--is how quickly politicians on both sides of the aisle will reverse course once their 15 minutes are up.

in every campaign, whether for a local or state seat, the governor's chair, or a party nom for the presidency, the candidates lob insults at one another and paint each other in the worst light possible....even though they're from the same party.

Mr. Mormon Mitt from the Mitten went so far as to call old man mccain "virtually indistinguishable" from billary and obamamama. he went further to state that in any race involving a republican parading as a democrat (mcplain) and a democrat (billary and obamamama), the democrat would win every time.

despite this, upon realizing that he'd not last to fulfill joseph smith's vision of running the country, romney bailed from the race and promptly threw his allegiance, and endorsement as it were, behind mccain simply because he had an "R" behind his name.

politicians have no shame. and in this particular race, the one that has seen the most amount of money ever spent by candidates, each flip flop, every waver and a singular hesitation is magnified. the Man Who Would Be "Glove" succumbed to the pressure of the microscope and retreated the friendly confines of his political party room. billary and obamamama will surely do the same.

ahhh, democracy.

Keepin' it real

2008-01-27T14:11:00.001-07:00

congratulations to the nation's first hip-hop mayor, king kwame, for keepin' it real. KB, you've held on to your ghetto fabulousness throughout a term and a half. it's so great to see you keepin' up your ways. you gots a rep to uphold.

DEEEEEETROOOIT

Sticks and Stones

2008-01-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

seems lately words have gained significant strength in their abilities to send people a-fluttering and set them up in arms. i call it the pussification of america. the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" has gone by the wayside just as quickly as the venerable golden rule.

these days, everyone is offended by everything, people say stupid shit to get a rise out of the people who are offended by everything, and then offer a half-assed "apology" because the people who are offended by everything complained just enough that the offender or his/her employer comes under just the right amount of heat.

dana jacobson of espn has been disciplined for her "insensitive and vulgar" remarks about the university of notre dame.....made at a fucking ROAST! and of course kelly tilghman was suspended for two weeks for saying that other golfers should want to lynch tiger woods in a back alley so they can win. ya know, 'cause ms. tilghman is a racist who wants nothing more than to string "nigras" up in trees.

jon caldara, a local radio guy on 850 KOA in boulder has come under tremendous fire for using the term "bitch-slap." progressnowaction, a super-duper liberal activist group (and presumably comprised of WASP-Y/JAP-y housewives) has begun an online petition to coerce the host to apologize. naturally, the conservative host has refused and i, for one, think--gulp--he's right.

bitch slap is a fairly common term nowadays. you hear it all over tv, in the movies and in song lyrics. and it wasn't even directed truly at one person as an insult to his/her manhood/womanhood/character. the term was used to describe the beatdown hillary got from obama in the most recent Dem debate. now, this is not to say using such a term--particularly on public radio--is proper or condoned in anyway, but to express such outrage over a non-racial, hardly misogynistic term is borderline ludicrous. surely there are better ways to exert energy and more worthy causes of justice to be pursued by progressactionnow....

....like lambasting john gibson, a talking head a fox "news," for his indescribably heartless, callous and generally indefensible comments about the death of heath ledger. i'm certainly not one to mourn the death of a celebrity for more than a passing "eh, that sucks. i can't believe it," but even i am appalled by mr. gibson's unrelenting inability to be tasteful and tactful. sure, he's a fox-style conservative (to hate for the sake of hatred), but even he must be able to separate the actor--who had a family--from the gay cowboy character he once portrayed...3 YEARS AGO.

the constant give and take of offendees and offenders has exploded in recent years. i always cringe when i hear my elders talking about the "good ole days," since most of the stuff they had back then sucked. but the one thing they did have back then that today's society has an epic lack of is a thick skin.

it used to be that someone would say something mildly offensive, and he'd be passed off as a bigot or a moron. today, even the slightest hint of un-pc, potentially offensive-if-taken-a-certain-way material will elicit a flood of unnecessary outrage from oversensitive pansies with far too much time on their hands. thank you, tiger woods, for manning up and showing that insensitive remarks are only insensitive if you're overly sensitive to begin with. sticks and stones make break my bones, but your words make you a douche bag.

New Rules

2008-01-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

thanks to the magic of OnDemand from Con ass, i was able last night to catch the season premier of real time with bill maher that i'd missed last friday. the set was new, the jokes were old and the panel was its normal self. but the show, the show wasn't quite the same. i'm guessing it has something to do with (if not everything) this whole "writers want to get paid" thing, but there was a glaring absence at the end of the show....no "New Rules."

NR was, hands down, my favorite part of billy boy's show week in and week out. now it's been replaced with a segment called "blogga, please," which if you couldn't tell is some lame spoof on n*gga please (i hate writing the word. the * makes everything better, just ask barry). it was also dumb. the segment is an email version of a call-in show, where viewers can send in questions to the panelists or bill himself. needless to say, people with keyboards are dangerously stupid.

i miss NR and hope it makes a return when the writers get their shit squared away with the man. in the meantime, i guess that means that i'm free to use NR as my own without fear of repercussions. hehe. ya know, cuz HBO execs and bill himself read RAOG religiously. how else do you think they write the show? duh.

as always, blogo-friends, suggestions are always welcomed.

In the News

2008-01-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

i read the news today, oh boy.

and really, it's the same shit with different titles. a lesser man would be discouraged by all this. not me. i find the subtle humor, ridiculousness and, often, irony in the news regardless of the source.

in the news today, marion jones, the olympic champion, is going to jail for check fraud and perjury. the check fraud case is just dumb. i would guess that with endorsement money and purse winnings, jones was doing okay for herself. naturally, that wasn't enough, so she wanted to cheat people out of cash. stupid. but the perjury charge? that's just gold. like others in her profession, marion lied to cover up her cheating. and her excuse? you guessed it, she made a "mistake."

in the imaginary interview i had with marion jones, i asked her which part was the mistake: accidentally falling onto the steroid needle? mistakenly winning gold medal after gold medal, meet after meet, and earning endorsement contracts? lying about lying, and then lying some more? or was the mistake that she just got caught? and just as you'd suspect, she did it all to "protect her family." of course. those poor souls would just be devastated if they'd known they were related to a fraudulent lying cheater.

on the news today...our weather is wicked cold. like chicago cold. makes me wanna pack my shit and head to phoenix (only to complain how much i hate it there once i arrived) or LA. some place warm. but hell, it's winter. it's supposed to be cold. so why do the newscasts insist on putting one of their "meteorologists" outside to report that it's cold when i could just as easily open my front door and find out for myself? or, like when they post a reporter roadside to tell us that the road conditions aren't great. i know i'm routinely shocked to find out that the roads are slippery after it's snowed and when the temperatures are sub-freezing. of course, i'm simultaneously amused by this as well since half of the newscasts these days already report shit we already know (smoking is bad for you, bad foods make you fat, etc.). high comedy, indeed.

lastly, apparently teacher absenteeism hurts learning. i'm pretty sure that in a million years, i'd never have figured that out. groundbreaking, truly.

New Year, Same Me

2008-01-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

i seriously just realized, literally 10 seconds before beginning to write this, that i haven't posted anything in 2008 and figured that that's a pretty heartless thing to do to my (ever growing) fan base. only problem is, i really don't have much to write about, since nothing in my world at the moment is actually set in stone, much like last year.

there's the possibility of moving to pittsburgh. there's a chance i'll get accepted to CU and stay in colorado to go to school. there's a chance, now that our VP of new business is leaving due to medical concerns (good luck, O) that i'll be made director of new business and client services. there's a chance that if that promotion were to happen that there'd also be a nice raise, an added commission structure, and possibly a quarterly bonus system on top of that.

i have a stress echocardiogram slated for friday morning. so, there's a chance that this time around there'll be no "there was a slight abnormality we should keep an eye on." next week i have my interview at CU-Boulder (and i have to wear a suit? ew), so there's a chance i'll nail that one just like i did thunderbird and pittsburgh.

and i'm playing soccer again (finally), so of course, there's a good chance that the injury bug will bite me again soon and said maladies will begin a pilin' up on my old creakin' bones. but it's totally worth it. possibly.

anyway, welcome to the new year everyone. may it be filled with different and better experiences and more possibilities than the last. it's possible mine will.

Review, Charlie Wilson's War

2007-12-29T23:25:00.000-07:00

…in 100 words or less.

The truth. Afghanistan needed help. Congressman to the rescue. $1 million budget raised to $5 million. Then $40 million. Soon to more than $1 billion.

‘80s setting hilarious and nostalgic. Tom Hanks. Boozer, womanizer, fraternizer, smart ass. Funny, smart and entertaining. Scandal ensues due to being seen with smoking hot strippers. Julia Roberts. Not a southern belle. Bad accent, great body. Political dabbler. Über Christian. Phillip Seymour Hoffman made the movie. Wise cracker, intellectual, atheist wannabe hardass. Great cast, excellent script. Historically accurate portrayal of something Americans don’t even know about. Laugh and learn. Oscars all around.

Grade: A/A+

Word count: 97

Visitors

2007-12-29T02:26:00.000-07:00

seems posting once every 7 days has become my thing. so here goes.....

wu and the clan (and by clan i mean the significant other and no one else) finally made his way to 5280 for a visit. many a friend has found their way to paradise, and now he has too. so, in true old friend fashion, he and the gf, me and greg and his gf (mine was in KS at the time) headed out for a night on the town.

aside from the fact it's midwest cold in denver right now (believe me, completely out of the ordinary for us), we set out on our adventure in LoDo. our first stop was the falling rock tap, home to 65 beers on tap and others available by bottle. it's a totally chill atmosphere where you can have a conversation, not be bothered, and have some truly great beer (sam smith, this is a kudos to you, my friend).

we decided to leave and check out something else, growing weary of the quiet ambience of the rock. hiking 6 blocks to lime in 12 degree weather (where greg was whining like a little girl child the whole way about being cold), we arrived at the destination, knowing also that my old soccer buddy sarah was there with some of her friends (sidebar: she and i talked for all of 3 combined mintues, and she didn't bother to even come over and hang out before leaving. understand that there will be a conversation about this to follow. stay tuned for updates).

the bar/club was loud but intimate. there was hip hop music playing, but no dancing to be found. golden. dance clubs are for losers and well dressed people who are still losers but just don't know it yet. we found a cozy little corner booth, rounded and secluded, of course, and settled in for some drinks and conversation (strained by the fact the dj was right behind us and the speakers right to the side). regardless, it was an enjoyable time. as wu stated, "sometimes it's not about where you're at as much as it is who you're with." agreed. 100% even.

i was running low on drink, so i mosied up to the bar, where i was to be ignored for a full 5 minutes. in the intervening time, there was still some entertainment to be found. a tall, somewhat attractive (we'll call her a "butterface") girl was dancing with some dude right next to me. she did one of those girly hair flips. ya know, the one that says, "take me home and nail me cuz i'm a dirty whore" kind of hair flips. only difference in this one is that this time her hair caught me square in my opened, alert right eye. seriously, have you ever been struck in the eye by something as stringy as hair? it fucking hurts. brooke can vouch for the story.

when i regained full sight and function in said eye, the unbelievable occurred. yes, i was STILL waiting for my god damned drink (apparently beer has to be brewed, aged and bottled prior to ordering), a tall guy, very metrosexual and likely of the homo variety was standing next to me. i really have no problem with gays or metros, since i work with many of the former and my girlfriend wants me to become the latter. but this guy was just a bit odd. facing forward, squarely focused on the bartender (a stupid bimbo whore if i'd ever seen one), i felt fingers in my hair. i knew greg and wu weren't near me. i was certain that neither of their gf's would be so blatantly hitting on me as their guys (and my friends) were in close proximity. this was the work of a stranger.

the fingers primped, prepped and perfected my hair. as i turned to look to see what was happening, tall skinny metro-homo guy was fixing my hair telling me, "now it's perfect. don't tell anyone." um, WHAT?!?? i didn't know whether i should be offended, scared, embarrassed or gracious. i said nothing. and wu saw the whole thing in real-time.

i'm straight. let's get that straight. i don't believe--and others have confirmed--that i give off no such homo vibe. so, why on earth did this dude see fit to "fix" my hair for me. granted, there's not a ton left to begin with, so really, how much fixing could it need? it didn't necessarily ruin my night, but it was one of those things that was so unexpected, so bizzare, that when i look back at this night, the one thing i'll remember is some guy in a bar primping me to perfection. if only i were too drunk to remember that it ever occurred....

Hiatus

2007-12-21T17:20:00.000-07:00

so, it's been a week and a half since my last post. i've been wicked lazy of late, but somehow really busy at the same time. i know you're all just dying to know why i've not been around, so let me fill you in a bit. my 1.5 weeks in review:

-weds, 12/12 - receive a call from the assistant dean of admissions at pitt to discuss my expectations of the MBA/MIB program. ADoA tells me ahead of official notification that i've been admitted. YAY!

-thurs, 12/13-interview for an account manager/consultant position with a software firm in denver. very stoked. great interview. sweet sounding job.

-fri, 12/14-receive official email from pitt admissions congratulating me. and then telling me that they need a $1000 deposit....by jan. 15. wtf?

-fri, sat, sun 12/14-16-spend nearly entire weekend with LAH, who has now been confirmed and sworn in as the girlfriend.

-mon, 12/17-email from pitt confirming that $1000 deposit is non-refundable.

-tues, 12/18-interview #2 with awesome job-having company. get grilled by president, vp of client services and sr. manager. presented with 2 case studies that were ridiculously hard and likely designed for failure. aced it anyway. told a decision would be made by end of week because they had to finish interviewing other candidates.

-weds, 12/19-email from vp of client services officially offering me the job. low ball offer. fucking cocksucking bastard motherfucking cheapskates. also, add in "lying sons of bitches." an offer the day after interview #2 says that either the other candidates blew chunks or there weren't any others. i choose the latter.

thurs, 12/20 - receive official welcome/admissions packet from pitt. awarded $3000 scholarship for both years of study. wooptiefuckingdo. 3k when total cost is nearly 50? try again cheapo. also, CU confirms that decision notification for admission will not come till feb. 15, aka 1 month after pitt deposit is due. neat. real fucking neat.

fri, 12/21 - send email to potential employer thanking them for a "generous" offer, but that i decline to pursue other opportunities. i have a way with sarcasm and backhanded compliments. also, call pitt to ask to push my deposit date back a month to accomodate my CU decision. voice mails. all gone till JANUARY 7th! do you guys even fucking work??!??!??

now: blogging after eating homemade pizza and waiting for the girl to ask me to come over even though it's snowing. again. seems like it only snows on fridays and saturdays here. karma hates me.

you're all caught up. i'm sure you were riveted. it was all so interesting, you see why i haven't written in more than a week. but now i have. you're satisfied. and so am i.

How is this News?

2007-12-11T22:22:00.001-07:00

so, a 10th generation descendant of davey crockett killed a 400 lb. bear today. cool. but is it really worthy of top news billing....on ESPN and FOX sports?! not only is this not news, i'm still trying to figure out how on earth this is sports news. that's what those sites are for, right? it was a slow day in the sports journalism, i guess.

You're Fired!

2007-12-09T21:10:00.001-07:00

it was just a matter of time. now, it's happened. i saw a commercial on NBC promoting the next season of "The Apprentice," and sure enough, it's the celebrity version. i may be a bit slow on the take here, but doesn't it seem that anytime a tv show platform starts out wildly successful and then experiences a huge drop off after the network has signed a multi-year contract, the producers automatically resort to putting "celebrities" into the mix in hopes of rekindling our interest? "celebrity fit club," "celebrity jeopardy" (a show i adore), "celebrity wheel of fortune," and the list goes on.

what's next, "Celebrity Extreme Makeover Home Edition?" i can see it now, building a new house for the family of a former superstar who now just gets notoriety for his/her past achievements or his/her current fuck ups. the first 3 episodes would be corey haim, britney spears and gary arnold. should be entertaining.

face it, tv shows have a life cycle just like every other product on earth. it starts small in it's developmental stage, explodes with popularity as it becomes a cash cow, then matures and plateaus, and eventually becomes obsolete, useless and not entertaining. take a hint from other industries, tv execs, when it's time to go, it's just time to go. no celebrity can help you now. you're fired.

Slippery When Wet

2007-12-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

dear denver metro drivers:

no, the sky is not falling. that white stuff coming from above is frozen precipitation known locally as "snow." there is no cause for alarm, as the white stuff is nothing to fear. especially when it's the powdery variety and not the heavy, wet, sloshy stuff you typically get in the midworst.

sure, the physical properties of snow do cause it to melt when it hits the pavement, leaving said pavement wet. but really, the stuff isn't dangerous unless it comes in large quantities like it did last winter. and .25" of snow certainly does not qualify as a "large" quantity unless you live in dallas, where it's a "blizzard." so why, why must you have driven a painfully slow 40 mph on the highway last night, knowing full well that the conditions were perfectly safe to at least abide by the speed limit, if not exceed it like you're wont to do under sunny skies?

i could understand going slowly if we were driving in the mountains. night mountain driving in the winter is one of my least favorite activities. but we're in denver, on the plains where there's nary a hill worthy of description. it's all flat, it's all pretty much in a straight line, and still you slink along at a snail's pace, making the entire commute more dangerous by virtue of your over-caution (not a word, but i'm ranting. deal.).

you chose to move here from god knows where (probably california or arizona. you guys ruin everything.), so you must've willingly accepted the few cons that go with the many pros on our city's balance sheet. snow is one of the few cons. get used to it. and if you're a native, then you really have no excuse. you're fucking high plains/mountain people! if anyone should be able to comfortably drive in snow--.25" or 2.5 feet--it should be you. hell, you've been here long enough to at least have learned the ins and outs of winter driving, no? and if not, then you simply get a car that can handle it, right? why else would you all be driving around in your subarus or mammoth SUVs?

i'm embarrassed for you. i'm embarrassed that a kid that grew up driving on the icy streets of cincinnati, detroit and chicago has to come out to the high plains and show the mountain people how to drive a front wheel drive car in the snow. it's sad. it's ridiculous. and i guess from now on it's to be expected.

Celebrate, Celebrate, Die

2007-12-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

not exactly a ringing endorsement is it? "blah, blah, blah, death. blah, blah, blah, bleeding can cause death." and this is an actual medication?! a sign of the apocalypse for sure.

Coming to a Theater Near You

2007-12-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

saturday night, LAH and i headed downtown for the parade of lights. it's a pretty decent sized parade with a gigantice crowd. seemingly all of denver was there to partake. but after a cup of overpriced, albeit awesome, ghiardelli hot chocolate, the cold proved too much for us and we decided to make alternate plans for the evening. (aside: i don't remember since i moved here the cold coming on so early in the year and being so, well, cold. ugh).

we headed to pavillions to catch a movie, deciding against going out for drinks. LAH had had a rough time the night before and i just wasn't feeling the bar atmosphere. being in the holiday spirit as much as we could be, we opted for "fred klaus," figuring the movie was early enough and not the most popular title out, the theater should have been pretty empty.

(Note: this movie is complete garbage and an embarrassment for vince vaughan. i'd write a 100 word review for it, but only a couple of choice words really come to mind).

entering the near empty theater, we choose our seats high atop the stadium seating, smack dab in the middle. we were the first 2 people in there and figured we'd carved out our niche neatly enough that anyone else that came in would sit elsewhere. enter the teenagers. 5 in the back and 4 in the front. out of an entire theater, these little jerkoffs decide that the only suitable place to sit is right around us.

ordinarily, i hate anyone in a movie theater under the age of 25. and watching these mongoloids run up the stairs making all sorts of noise made me a bit uneasy about the whole movie going experience for the night. after kicking the backs of our seats numerous times during the previews and the first 10 minutes of the feature film, they seemed to have calmed down. all was right with the world....until they decided they were hungry. 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation about who was going to pay, who was going to go, and some insults being lobbed among the group prompted thoughts of moving. but why should we move? we were there first. we were being considerate patrons, following all the brainwashing commands given by the female voiceover.

in and out they went, running amok up and down the stairs, visibly irritating the few other attendees of the worst film of the year. periodically, i'd turn my head just slightly to see behind me, making sure the message was getting to them to shut the fuck up. and they did. but, having the attention span of a fly, er, of the typical high schooler, that peace lasted all of 10 minutes...max.

this isn't the first experience i've had like this. nor will it be the last. obviously the PG-13 and R ratings are doing the job. so, maybe theaters need to implement a carding process similar to the one bars have executed with near flawlessness for years. instead of not being permitted to see a movie if you're not of appropriate age, now teenagers--anyone under 18--must be accompanied by an adult at all times. or, better yet, just not permitted in certain theaters altogether. segregation. separate but equal, but without the racial overtones.

i hate teenagers. and i hated the movie. together, i left hating the world for wasting my 10 dollars, my time, and my patience. bastard little kids.

NEW RULE

2007-11-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

holidays must be on set schedules.

i just found out that chanukkah starts december 4. i had no idea. but in order to do my civic jewty, i figure it'd be a good idea to know. problem is, the damn thing falls at a different time each year. dumb.

we've been on a daily calendar as a global society for centuries, millenia if you're a card carrying member of the jew crew, and still we haven't managed to peg our holidays to specific times. i screwed up my flight home for thanksgiving because i looked at the wrong date on the calendar and booked accordingly. had thanksgiving been slated to fall regularly on, say, november 24th rather than the "4th thursday in november," i'd have been fine.

sometimes hannukkah overlaps christmas, sometimes it nearly devours thanksgiving, and sometimes it just bridges november and december. it's really confusing. thankfully, the holiday has all the significance of halloween, otherwise it'd be a big deal.

still, even though i made fun of christians for backtracking on their decision to have christmas on december 25th, at least they made the right move in making sure everyone would know exactly when the holiday was. and they advertised the hell out of it.

hannukah has been advertised in true jewish fashion: half-assed and on the cheap. maybe if we'd put half as much effort into promoting our "holiday" as the christians do, we'd have more than 15 million subscribers worldwide. of course, we'd somehow have to hide the fact that for all our holidays, save two, we have to give something up. how's that celebrating? dumb.

as annoying as it is, the hype leading up to christmas each year is, at the very least, impressive. christians have even gotten the newspeople into the mix. "there are only 18 shopping days left till christmas." maybe we should do that too. "you only have 2 weeks to get presents for all 8 nights!" surely, this newfound approach to consumerism would boost awareness, but it'd also boost sales and profitability at stores, many of which "we" own. and hell, it's not like the jew bigwigs have much else to do at the moment other than to hype up our mini holiday. after all, the writers are on strike, so all of "our" shows are on indefinite hiatus.

maybe come the day after thanksgiving (which shall from this point forward be referred to as "november 26th") every newscast should be led by a holiday updates. can you imagine, "there are only 87 days till sukkot, so get your hamentachen ready. also, don't forget about groundhog's day, which is only 41 days away!" hey, they're not important, but at least you'll know when they are.

Curious Musings

2007-11-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

curious musings that struck me today:

why do they make sport coats with pads on the elbows? i'm familiar with the concept of rubbing elbows with the big wigs, but if you need pads on your sport coat you're probably doing it wrong. and surely you're not engaging in rough house activities that would wear the elbows out. and if the elbow patches are so strong and durable, why not just make the whole jacket out of that material? curious.

elsewhere....

why do drive thru's insist on manning the mic with the least audible, fluent english speaker on staff? the sole responsibility of the drive thru microphone person is to clearly, understandably request the customer's order and repeat it back to the customer once entered into the system, and then quote the price. since money is kind of important in business transactions, wouldn't it be smartest to have someone that can actually communicate in the language of the business? curious.

more....

why on earth would nasonex choose a bee as its mascot? no less, they choose to give the cartoon a fritalian accent (fades in and out of french and italian accents throughout). i, for one, know that when i'm looking for allergenic relief, the last thing i associate with relief is a bee. ya know, since they sting, which hurts. moreover, given the current state of global affairs and relationships, is it really that wise of the advertiser to use a french accent of all things? did they not recall "freedom fries" and "freedom toast?" though, i'll admit it is kinda funny listening to a french bee tell me that possible side effects of the nasal congestion reliever are basically everything under the sun but death.

lastly.....

and sticking with side effects, is there actually a medication out there that doesn't have side effects worse than the symptoms the medicine treats? the OTC medicine cited above has side effects that include fever, sore throat, drowsiness, upset stomach and vomiting. there are some medicines out there which have a side effect that includes death. that's a pretty severe side effect to alleviate arthritis, no? i wonder if we're not giving enough money to researchers so they can come up with something that treats a symptom without creating a myriad of other issues. curious.

Ti$ the $ea$on

2007-11-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

NEW RULE: Leave Thanksgiving Alone!

each year it gets worse. marketers begin hawking their christmas wares earlier and earlier. when i was growing up, the day after thanksgiving was the biggest shopping day of the year and the day when all advertising simply went berserk.

sadly, thanksgiving (my FAVE holiday) has been relegated to backburner status by the likes of best buy, jc penny, macy's and others. at the exact moment we finish our halloween candies the christmas shopping commercials begin. it's almost like there's a trip switch or something in every reese's cup wrapper. take that last bite and BOOM, "fa la la la lala la la" comes blaring across the airwaves.

we're a very proud country. and everything nowadays has to do with being patriotic. so, whatever happened to rightfully and appropriately celebrating the survival of the settlers who served as the basis of said country? thanksgiving is a pretty important holiday. it's also the best one because it's chock full o' food, family and football, not wrought with ostentatious consumerism. thanksgiving is what's right with holidays. hell, it's even in the name; giving thanks for all you have. christmas, however, has become the antithesis of the holiday spirit.

at one point in time, christmas was important to some of the population (remember, we're not ALL christians). but the actual meaning of the holiday for those followers has been so garbled by the incessant "look at me" product advocacy that the meaning of the holiday has been lost in the bright lights and glitz of madison ave.

so let me, the jew, briefly remind you that christmas is the supposed celebration of christ's birth. ya know, your savior? it's fairly well known that the 25th of december isn't actually his birthday, but nevertheless, it's the day that YOU, the christians, picked to celebrate it and now you seem to want to ruin the other holidays because you realize you made a mistake.

it's one of life's great lessons that you must learn from your mistakes, that you can't simply go back and have a do over. so, marketers of christmas wares, take your medicine, live with the decisions made by people who came before you, and leave thanksgiving the hell alone!

Fat is the new thin

2007-11-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

take everything you thought you learned about eating right, exercising and maintaining a healthy lifestyle and throw it out the window. shockingly, there was a new study released this week. they didn't follow the new rule laid out in september about only issuing studies that conclusively say...something.

a report published in the journal of the american medical association found that having a few extra pounds (or BBW, if you prefer) might actually be good for you. of course, this flies in the face of everything we've been taught since 1983. The study says that being a overweight did not increase the chances of dying from heart disease or cancer, and a little chub was actually linked to lower alzheimer rates.

of course, this sounded conclusive until experts chimed in with warnings that we shouldn't take it to heart that being flabby is equivalent to being ok. i'm wondering what new drug will follow this study and which pharm company has already developed it. face it, doctors and scientists know nothing about nothing, and each subsequent study continues to contradict the last.

so, there it is, the key to life: do what you want and eat what you want, because even though one day you'll be at "high risk" to die within mere hours, the next day you'll be the model of health.

NOTE: at least this study was conducted on american subjects, seemingly the first ever study to do so.

Every day has a week

2007-11-05T22:14:00.001-07:00

so, when exactly did it become necessary for every cause to have its own week? i remember back when AIDS first came about and some government agency or advocacy group dedicated a week to raising awareness. cool. good, solid cause that has only gotten bigger and worse in frequency. but this week is drowsy driving awareness week? c'mon.

so far this year there have been at least 4 separate weeks marking something that, while maybe important or at least something to think about, really don't need an entire week nominally dedicated to it. at some point early on, i recall something about a carpal tunnel awareness week (or maybe it was office shootings. i can't remember), a worker appreciation week, and a couple other things that at the time was so rigoddamneddiculous to me that they now both escape me. regardless, all these dedicated weeks have my head spinning.

maybe we should just dedicated years instead. i think a lot more good can come of nationally or globally recognizing one issue for an entire year that can be gained by a half-assed attempt at addressing 52 different ones. not only will more be accomplished, it'll restore the natural order of importance among the things we're aware-ing our selves of. AIDS, cancer, heart disease, obesity and climate change would top my list. they can also be combined to save time. and somewhere around the bottom would be a year dedicated to figuring out who actually came up with restless leg syndrome and why all of a sudden guys can't get it up without the aid of a pill (and then why it's soooo bad if it's up for more than 4 hours at a time!).

Mile High Club

2007-11-01T19:47:00.001-06:00

so, the company sent me back up to idaho to do some training this week. idaho falls must have a patent on boring because there's not a chance in hell that any place on earth could match its boringness. and i'd bet that I.F. would try and sue any city that tried to copy its boringhood.

what's not so boring are the funny little annoyances involved with getting to idaho falls and back. especially when you're forced to fly united. DIA is a pretty god damned efficient airport. security lines flow nicely and it's pretty well laid out. UA managed to take all that good and make it bad. they literally have 1500 feet of counter space dedicated to united check ins. premier, premier plus, international business, international business premier, domestic pre-check in and a host of others. they also have the dumbest employees in the industry. i, a single, white passenger with a noticeably large suitcase needed to check in, as i was running low on the allotted time i'd been given to make my flight because i parked about 6,000 miles away from the terminal. i asked 3 separate "employees" where i needed to check in (i normally don't fly united) and none of the 3 had the correct answer.

i figured it out. i got checked in and was given my gate assignment: b95. 95 can't be good. i don't believe i've ever seen a gate number so high. and now i know why....it's on the fucking colorado/kansas border! even with the train, the people mover moving sidewalk and a pace that would kill a thoroughbred, it took me 25, yes 2-5, minutes to get to my gate. i reached the gate with 10 minutes to spare till take off. well, i mean if they'd even started boarding.

anyway, the flight was smooth and simple. my 3 days in idaho were boring as sin. and then i wanted to come back. i realize that IF's airport is small, so the lines shouldn't be very long, but i still wanted to get there early so i could sit down and try and finish up some work before i boarded. i checked in my bag and walked toward the concourse, only, i was really confused about how to go through security.

i asked one of the friendly TSA agents as she was walking out for her smoke break where i have to go through (note: it's very clearly marked "SECURITY," just like every other airport), to which she replied, "they don't open till 3:45."

wait, what? what do you mean they don't "open?" and sure enough, the doors were locked and gated off because security, evidently, is now a corporate office job. just writing "security was closed" kinda makes me laugh a bit. it's just one of those things you never expect to see and when you do, no matter how irritable you are at that moment, you just have to laugh.

i made it home safely and soundly, though i thought for sure our plane was going down. flying into colorado is a hellish experience. but i got home, where the airport security never closes and where the biggest industry isn't farming potatoes. and now i'm bored.

Funny, but serious

2007-10-27T15:49:00.001-06:00

angina. that's a funny word. too bad it's kinda serious too. i get angina at the gym. it's chest pain because your heart muscles aren't getting enough oxygen. i wish they'd change the word cuz it makes me think of mangina, which i'm certainly not. angina is funny, but serious too.

I wanna know what love is

2007-10-25T22:33:00.002-06:00

i want you to show me.

well, not you exactly, dear reader. but you get the drift. i'm single and kinda sick of it i've decided. naturally, when i'm stuck in a hotel room by myself, i have ample time to think about the holes i see in my life. i think the lack of a love life (or love in my life, for that matter) is a glaring one, moreso than job satisfaction, money, etc. i can deal with not liking a job, i can make ends meet while not earning my market value. but i kind of feel a bit worthless at times without having a significant other.

don't mistake that last sentence for a jerry maguire (i.e. i need a woman to complete me), because it's simply not the case. i would however like to kill 2 birds with one stone by having a serious relationship: bird 1) erradicate the jealousy i have of every one else in a relationship, especially those i know and see regularly and bird 2) to have a new, important person to share my life with...the good and the miserable.

this whole single thing has been weighing on me, evidently, for a while. i just never bothered to acknowledge or admit it. i've been in love exactly 2 times in my life and, well, neither one worked out particularly well for me. i'm jaded, i admit. but, i'm still modestly hopeful...when the notions of insufficiency finally subside.

i've been increasingly negative of late, and it's even coming through in my writing. i apologize to you, my reader(s) [note: plural "s" added for comedic value] for turning my attention away from informing, entertaining and making you think, and focusing instead internally at the not-so-trivial things eating away at my normally good-spirited soul.

the quest to fin what everyone else seemingly has is never ending, and the playing field seems rather tilted against me. one of my past loves is also a present one, complicating the matter further. of course, her eyes are set squarely on someone else...who lives in a yet to be determined (by her) location since he's a military man.

it's an empty feeling that most all of us have felt at one point in time or another. most of you have gone on to find a way, or even another means to fill the void. hopefully i'll do the same. and of course, ladies reading, any thoughts regarding friends turning more than friends is greatly appreciated and will be strongly considered.

i love you all...

God (Satan) Bless Texas

2007-10-24T22:04:00.000-06:00

so, here i am in my hotel room in godforsaken harlingen, texas. i've been up since 4am, so the whole writing thing probably isn't such a good idea. but i'm bored (since there's NOTHING to do in this "town") and figured i'd rag a little bit about my trip and how much i dislike this place. oddly enough, i'm actually looking forward to my trip to idaho next week. that place is pretty cool.

so yeah, i'm fucking beat. long day in a foreign office listening to spanish sales calls allllll afternoon. neat, huh? well, almost as neato as leg #2 of the trip. the only thing about leg #1 (denver to houston) was that i had to be on a plane at 6:45am. but the flight was smooth, the plane nice and clean, and the staff was uber friendly. honestly one of the better flying experiences i've had...thanks continental! unfortunately, leg #2 involved being on one of those regional express jets. ya know, the super duper tiny ones with 4 seats per row and is always super bumpy, which makes me a bit uneasy? yeah, that plane.

the flight from houston to harlingen is short, only about an hour. but that hour can seem like a lifetime when you're stuck sitting next to flying enemy #2, the gigantor fat ass. this heffer of a woman took up not only her seat, not only a portion of my seat, but her seat and HALF of my seat. my left arm was rendered essentially useless because it was nearly being absorbed by her blubber. what's worse is that i was sitting on the aisle, and of course the arm rests on those seats don't lift, so i squeezed my legs underneath and hunched over the arm rest and hung out into the aisle....for the whole flight.

cramped, aching, tired as hell and in dire need of a piss (hey, 4 cups of coffee in 2 hours will do that to you), we mercifully landed, headed to the hotel and then to the office. it's now 10:15pm (CST), which is 9:15pm in my homeland. suffice it to say i've been up a while and i'm tired, but still have to wait for numbers to come in from today so i can spend 2 hours putting together reports manually. it's looking an awful lot like a 1am bedtime for me. so, let me tell you about harlingen!

it has an international airport. i'm not sure how or why, but i suspect it's because mexico is about 6 minutes away and, technically, any flight there is international. it has one walgreens, which took us 30 minutes and 4 different sets of directions to find, several mcdonalds and--SHOCK--tex-mex chains out the wazoo! i've never seen a collection of fatter people in my life and i'm guessing the lack of anything resembling a healthy meal option plays a significant role.

whoever designed this place was special. i mean special in a "dinnneyland" type way. there's zero rhyme or reason to the layout. everything is scattered over about 10 miles, and it doesn't even surround a downtown, which allegedly exists. i still need visual proof of this.

the one positive thing about all this is that we scheduled our trip at the perfect time. last week's weather was typical texas--98 degrees, 76% humidity. you'd think being fewer than 5 miles from the ocean would help that, but it doesn't. cold fronts, however, do. and today was glorious. sunny, 80, no humidity and a slight breeze. almost like a poorer version of florida in the fall, but not as ugly.

anyway, i'm done. this place sucks. that's pretty much all there is to it. if i lived here, i'd eithe move or kill myself to end my misery. but hey, i'm just a visitor. so, um, welcome to texas, folks.

AHHHHHH, Breakdown!

2007-10-23T22:48:00.000-06:00

i try never to reveal anything too personal that could be embarrassing. but today is a little different because i experienced something i never have before: a near meltdown.

i'm not really sure what it was--stress at work, impossibly bad relations with women, or the whole grad school thing--but it was surely out of the ordinary. i'm usually a pretty strong cat, with a few hot buttons that get me going. but normally, i'm solid and stoic enough to handle most anything (death, breakups, lies and car accidents included). today, i was just completely inundated with every every emotion, every insecurity or inferiority and every self doubt all at once. and it was just too much to bear at one time. i was overwhelmed and absolutely inconsolable. so, yeah, you could say it kinda sucked.

but now, having done absolutely nothing about it other than inadvertently lashing out at a very close friend, i feel fine. what the fuck? i should get that checked out.

How is that news?

2007-10-19T13:06:00.000-06:00

Dear CBS Channel 4,

while watching the noon news on my lunch hour today, you ran a 7-minutes new segment on something i don't believe to be newsworthy. to me, it was shoddy journalism and a hallmark of a slow day. of course i'm speaking of your wall-to-wall coverage of cherry creek mall finally "fulfilling its dream," as you put it, of getting a nordstrom store.

i certainly understand that there are many people, especially in that area, that are excited about this development, but a simple mention of, say 30 seconds or so, would have sufficed. i suspect that your program director approved such a lengthy feature on a non-story because you staff the noon newsdesk with all women, who were more than happy to continue extolling the virtues of the store after the taped story had ended.

thankfully, i was not living in the area when saks fifth avenue opened at the mall, because i'm sure at that time when denver was considerably smaller, you'd have taken a full half hour to describe the financial windfall for the city.

fact is that outside of the cocoon and ritz of cherry creek--denver's answer to chicago's magnificent mile, 5th ave. in nyc, and rodeo in BH--there are actually things going on that impact people living in reality. it's a shame that you haven't studied your viewership closely enough to know that, aside from the 1,000 people that flooded the mall for the opening, most of us have big boy and girl responsibilities like work. maybe you can take that into account and give us more than 2 minutes on weather, more than 33 seconds on traffic, and--and this might sound crazy--some stories about the local economy that we might not all know about.

the crux of the issue that you, like your counterparts at abc 7, nbc 9 and fox local "news" (who employs the scrumptious libby weaver), continuously bombard us with ridiculousness and forget all about the world going on around us. abc 7 has a segment they call the "7 everyday hero," which is a dedicated story about a local citizen going above and beyond to give back to the community. this is what we in the viewing business would call "worthwhile." maybe you can take a hint from the channel devouring you in the ratings. that is, of course, if you're not waiting in line to buy shoes in the 1/4 acre shoe department at nordstrom.

Manpire, Redux

2007-10-18T18:05:00.000-06:00

thursday afternoon i'll meet with the assistant director of global recruitment for thunderbird's garvin school of management, recently ranked (AGAIN) as the #1 international business graduate program in the U.S. and in the top 10 in the world.

nervous? not yet. gimme till i'm driving to meet the lady. gimme till wednesday night when i'm scouring the website for tidbits into the program and re-memorizing my resume and my life so i can fill in every. little. gap. that ever existed.

so yeah, i pretty much fucking nailed this interview like a porn star nails his co-star. that is, fast, furious and with a ridiculous money shot. *pat on the back*. oh, i also "qualify" for the accelerated program, which means (if accepted, etc.) i could walk out of there with an MBA in Global Management in 11 months. how's THAT for awesome?

War, huh, what is it good for?

2007-10-16T22:31:00.000-06:00

absolutely nothing, as the song goes. and they're right.

i hate these anti-drug commercials. "drawing is my anti-drug." wanna know what my anti-drug is? drugs. why? because that's my choice. actually, i'm not a drug user--of any kind--but if i were, does the ad council really think that these "anti-drug" or "above the influence" commercials are going to work on people who already dabble? not a chance. look no further than the DARE program to see how well it works.

yeah, i understand that the intent is to prevent people from getting involved in drugs to begin with. but that hasn't turned out too well either. but really, what's the big deal anyway? people drink excessive amounts of alcohol and that's perfectly legal. but to chase a high by blazing a joint, smokin' some rock, or shooting up? yeah, that's gotta be worse.

point is (actually there are many points here) that the ads are aimed at the wrong crowd: kids. so, they should be directed at parents, meaning you have to actually air them during shows that parents watch, i.e. primetime. but that costs more money. so rather than reaching the appropriate target, the media buyers for the council decided just to take what they can get, and that's a wastrel's mentality.

just like the war in iraq, the war on poverty and every other war for which the country just couldn't get by without a czar, the war on drugs is a big waste of money and resources. the most "effective" weapon we've come up with to date is the arrest, which leads to conviction, which in turn leads to incarceration (paid for in full by you and me, mr. and mrs. taxpayer). and then for some reason the very people that crack down on the drug users and put them in jail are the very ones that complain of jail overcrowding. curious, indeed.

i've touched before on how backasswards denver (and colorado in general) is when it comes to solving the drunken driving problem. rather than giving people more safe alternative ways home, they simply step up police presence and increase the number of arrests...you can see where this is going.

well, this is just a microcosm of how the rest of the country is run. do you REALLY want to solve the drug problem? if so, there are several logical steps you, as the gub'mint, can take:

first, legalize marijuana, but regulate it like cigarettes. award exclusive contracts to growers--even foreign cartels-- and make sure all the product is customs compliant. subsidize plants in the U.S. that will produce the MJ ciggies and then market them like regular cigarettes by selling them in grocery stores. oh yeah, and tax the fuck out of them. the tax revenue generated will go along way in offsetting the cost that you idiot leaders have sunk into the drug war for the last 30 years.

next, take a large portion of the dollars that you use to fund DARE, prosecution and incarceration, and put it into education and rehabilitation services. wanna know if it works? just ask portland, OR. (note: why is it that the rainiest, most depressing, albeit beautiful, place in the country is always so far ahead of everyone else when it comes to, well, everything?). they've had large scale success with funding methadone clinics and clean needle programs. their MJ laws are as lax as you'll find in the U.S. this approach has reduced crime, death rates and has actually increased the number of people that seek treatment and eventually get off the smack.

lastly, fire the drug czar and appoint a czar of common sense. this new czar will be tasked with changing the mindset of the nation, no easy task. he or she will be highly focused on promoting the medicinal uses of natural cures, while simultaneously extolling the virtues of moderation and abstinence. the czar will be the advocate general for the treatment and counseling clinics and will serve as the liaison between the FDA (or whoever will approve the quality of the drugs) and the clinical hierarchy.

it's evident that in the current system the people already on drugs are collectively a lost cause, worthy of nothing more than taking up space in one of our numerous prisons. the capitalistic approach (and even the common sense one) would say that if they're already going to do it, why not make it safer for them and profitable for everyone else?

we're wasting valuable resources fighting a war in the desert. we're doing a shitty job of closing the gap between rich and poor, thus wasting more time and money with terrible program management. maybe the third member of the war triumvirate could be the one that actually works. it will, with a different approach.

War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Uh-huh

War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Say it again, y'all

War, huh, good God
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing
Listen to me

(credit: edwin starr)

Interview with a Manpire

2007-10-14T21:34:00.000-06:00

i've had interviews before. but none of them seemed imminently important, as if it'd have a profound impact on my future life. i have an interview thursday afternoon, which is decidedly different than the rest.

it's probably because this interview isn't for a new job. rather, it's a test of my knowledge of myself, my skills and capabilities, and how they fit in with one of, if not the most, prestigious business programs in the country--and the world.

thursday afternoon i'll meet with the assistant director of global recruitment for thunderbird's garvin school of management, recently ranked (AGAIN) as the #1 international business graduate program in the U.S. and in the top 10 in the world.

nervous? not yet. gimme till i'm driving to meet the lady. gimme till wednesday night when i'm scouring the website for tidbits into the program and re-memorizing my resume and my life so i can fill in every. little. gap. that ever existed.

obviously, the interview isn't the be all end all of admissions. there's still that little matter of my crappy ass GMAT score (still above the national average. so there!) and the multiple "insightful and introspective" personal essays. oh, and there're also other people applying, so that makes it tough too.

nevertheless, i'm looking at this--potentially--as my big break. i really have little, if any, desire to move to phoenix. it's an ugly city, with ugly people, and no big buildings. and surely i plan to return to denver upon completion of my program anyway. but no matter how much i dislike phoenix (it's still not as bad as detroit, cleveland or atlanta), the chance for an average guy like me to get accepted into a prestigious program not named wharton, harvard or stanford is pretty god damned exciting. of course, even if i'm accepted, there's still that little $75,000 price tag to contend with. but baby steps, right?

fingers crossed.....

I remember!

2007-10-10T15:22:00.000-06:00

i'm about to say the most "unpatriotic" thing that can possibly be said.

please stop telling me to remember the troops. there's something incredibly disingenuous to me about hearing a radio spot from a local bar or the local sports talk station reminding me not to forget the men and women serving.

when you have 150,000+ people fighting a pointless war, and when you're reminded of said war every minute of every day, it's nearly impossible to forget the troops. and why would i? i have friends in the military. friends that have been shipped off to far away places, dangers unknown. some have even, gulp, been on or near the front lines. i've helped convince some friends NOT to join the military ahead of this pointless war starting. so no, i won't forget the troops.

personal influences aside, what good does this type of badgering accomplish? is it good that it simply entrenches further those of us who've been diametrically opposed to the invasion from the start? is it good that it simply reaffirms for the war's supporters their position? it's a false and empty message, and wasteful of airtime and space that could be used for more productive things, the least of which is telling me about your beer specials for this weekend.

occasionally there may be an advertisement soliciting donations; money, clothes, food, etc. that's a worthy cause and a worthwhile effort. but it's one thing to ask us to give in support of the soldiers' families who are living largely on one pittance of an income and without a second partner in the household, and something completely different to simply demand that i remember.

i support the troops, but not the war. if that sounds weird or fence-sitting, then you should re-evaluate your own abilities to be objective and human. i support the fact that these people are doing something that i'd never do, sacrifice everything in my life to fight a war i don't believe in. but they do and for that they're deserving of our admiration and our respect. but simply running a radio spot or flying a flag or tying a ribbon around a tree in your yard when you have no personal ties to this war (or any for that matter) is simply a hollow gesture and largely insulting.

so please, stop telling me to remember the troops because i'm fully aware of what's going on in the world and i'm cognizant of the sacrifices military personnel willingly make when they enlist. and stop demanding that i support the troops when you've so obviously ignored the importance of sincerity in your message. it's much easier to forget your message when it's so diluted and hollow. remember that.

New Rule

2007-10-09T22:14:00.000-06:00

New Rule.....

insurance companies must be helpful.

48 million americans don't have to worry about the inefficiencies of health insurance companies because, well, they don't have coverage. actually, the problem isn't so much that large insurance companies like united healthcare and anthem blue cross are inefficient, greedy and ridiculously narrow minded, it's more that they're simply ineffective. their advertising always claims acts in the best interests of patients--except for the non-people that can't get coverage (they don't count as patients, even when they're dying), yet my experiences with each have been more of the "we'll give you the run around in order to save a few bucks" type of treatment.

a few months back, i ripped apart my ankle. it hurt. alot. it wasn't just some ordinary sprain, the shit was actually torn. my doctor, the one that spent countless years and, presumably untold mini-fortunes learning about how to fix things like torn ankles, had to clear with big brother, i mean the insurance company, sending me for an MRI. after a 20 minute phone call (with me present), inclusive of him being grilled by some non MD hack on the other end of the line questioning his treatment, i was approved to go for the test, which--SHOCK--revealed the significant damage.

fast forward to this week. 2.5 weeks after heart attack #2, i was experiencing issues brought on by my medications. i called the dr. to complain and to weasel my way off of one of the dreaded pills. no one called me back. at all. so, i decided it was time to find a different practice. problem is, there aren't really many 28 year olds with my condition, and none of the ones that exist are my friends. i had no one to ask for a recommendation.

i called my insurance company thinking that surely they'd know, 'cause i pay them a lot of money to do so. at the very least they should have a "rating" system for physicians in their network to determine the best ones from the not so best ones. the helpful customer service rep recommended a different doctor....within the same practice. i calmly explained--so as not to have yet another coronary--that i wanted a DIFFERENT practice, as in not the one i'm currently using. further searches returned results for family practioners and internal medicine. yes, the heart is internal, but it also has its own dedicated study, in case that wasn't mentioned in the employee handbook.

i heard some clicking in the background and shortly thereafter she began reading off the names of potential treatment providers in my area. being the guru of the world wide web machine that i am, i was logged onto the insurance co.'s website, and as she read off name #3, i read along with her. she was shocked, as if i'd needed to be treated for a bad case of ESP rather than heart disease.

for a company that is more than happy to take my money each month, it shouldn't be unreasonable to expect that they'll have people that work for them that may actually know something about healthcare. perhaps it'd be advisable to start small, like knowing the difference between cardiology and gastroenterology first, and gradually build into skill sets like being able to identify good doctors vs. ones that graduated at the bottom of their class.

for all the coverage they provide--significant in my case--insurance companies sure do cause a lot of problems, often as many as they solve. sometimes it just seems more palatable to be uninsured than to have to deal with the shit these conglomerates put you through. sure, you wouldn't actually have access to life-saving medicine or preventive care because they're so outrageously expensive, but then again, it's not as if your insurance provider actually cares enough to know where to send you anyway.

Actober!

2007-09-30T22:18:00.000-06:00

i'm happy today. actually, i've been happy since friday....when my beloved cubs clinched a playoff birth. the second season officially begins, for me anyway, on wednesday night. hopefully dane cook will be no where to be found while i'm in party mode. oh, and i start back at work tomorrow. that sucks. GO CUBS!

Not so a-MUSE-ing after all

2007-09-21T23:43:00.000-06:00

the muse concert came and went last week. it was the concert i'd been more amped about than any i'd ever seen. yet, i wasn't there. why? well, on monday night after the gym, my medicine coated stent decided to give way, creating a full blockage in a cardiac artery. some in the medical field may refer to this as a heart attack. yeah, another one. ugh.

the signs were all the same (the pain, trouble breathing, etc.), but this time was much, much different than the first time around. for one, i was actually conscious when this one hit fully. i also wasn't schlepped to the ER by an ex, rather i called the ambulance...after hopping in the shower and walking over to my neighbor's door to hand her my keys so she could take care of my dogs.

truth be told, i wasn't scared a bit. naturally, the EKGs didn't show anything, which seemed (somehow) to convince the EMT that there really wasn't much going on, except that i knew exactly what was going on, and when you know what's happening, fear isn't really part of the emotional spectrum.

(note: i took a shower 'cause i'd just gotten home from a 1 hour cardio class--ironic--and knew i'd be in the hospital for a few days. who wants to be lying in a hospital bed reeking like funk?)

i get to the ER, calm as can be, joke with the staff, take all the medicines they can feed me (i love you, morphine and nitro) and waited patiently for them to wheel me to the heart cath lab. what was weird about this whole experience is that i knew exactly what was going to happen and how everything would feel afterwards. perhaps that's why i felt a tinge of resentment every step of the way.

mr. heart cath lab cardiologist told me they'd give me something to make me feel good. i insisted on just being put completely out. who won that battle is purely a matter of perception. i woke up at some point (i had no idea what time it was for 3 days. apparently i sent text messages to people at 4:30am. sorry.) with that very familiar pain in my groin... the femoral artery is the preferred route to the heart.

i stayed in ICU for 2 days, since all the private rooms were occupied and i'm very high maintenance. it wasn't too bad. the RNs were cool, i had some visitors, and the bed was simply kick ass--it was some kind of auto-adjust bed that miraculously knew the position i'd just been in and adjusted to fill the void i'd left when i moved. pretty rockin'.

i got moved to my private suite, with an amazing view of the hospital roof (how romantic!). it reminded me, actually, of my freshman dorm room, minus the beer bottle caps tapped into the ceiling. this room is where the friction began.

"room service" called me incessantly, apparently not understanding that i'm not hungry at 7am the day after i'd been loaded up with every anesthesia, painkiller and bloodthinner known to man. then they called every half hour until lunch. finally, i caved and ordered my bland-ass low cholesterol, low fat, low sodium lunch. and after all this, they give me fucking regular greasy ass potato chips?! "sure, the care at this hospital is great, but the food will kill you!" unreal.

the hours ticked by and i finally get a visit from the resident cardiologist who told me i needed to start working out. uh, dude, did you even READ the admission report? what the hell did you think i was doing before i got here? did they not teach you basic english in russian medical school? after a snarky response, he told me i'd be discharged shortly and then left.

i got dressed and was just waiting on my paperwork to be completed, when the only thing that could send me immediately back into cardiac trauma occurred...the cardiac RN came in to "counsel" me on cardiac rehab, a joke of a program put on by the hospital to take more money from my pocket and cost me more time at work.

she handed me the very same paperwork i'd seen before, which i knew nearly from rote memory no less, and proceeded to read it to me, as if i were an illiterate bum. i signed the paper acknowledging that i'd received it, figuring this was the last hurdle to me leaving. no. instead, she proceeds with a 10 minute lecture about how i'm gambling with my health if i go back to work and if i don't take advantage of the cardiac rehab. (note: at this point, everyone realized i could benefit from their stress relieving classes, since this broad was pissing me off to noticeable proportions).

to put an end to this charade, i asked for one compelling reason that cardiac rehab was better than the exercising i'd been doing on my own for the past year and half (including, but not limited to: cycling, mountain biking, hiking 14,000 mountains and shorter ones, walking, soccer, basketball, core step classes, and spin classes). her response? "in cardiac rehab, you'll be working out while we monitor you with machines you don't have access to at a gym."

i was fucking floored. that's the benefit of taking more time off work to go to these classes? to workout while i'm hooked up to machines that failed to detect even a hint of not one, but TWO HEART ATTACKS?! and that was my response. defeated, she shrunk away and i was on my way home.

as you can see, i'm plainly bitter about this recurrence. i'm bitter that no one i encountered in the medical field wanted to consider for a second that, for once, it wasn't the patient that fucked up, but that their shitty rushed-to-market-to-make-huge-bucks stent actually didn't work. add to that speaking to me as if i were an ignorant dolt that knew nothing of how to care for himself after a cardiac episode and you've got yourself one helluva blood-boiling good time.

the physical pain of a heart attack is bad enough, but the carelessness, condescension, and utter unwillingness to work with the patient rather than directing him is what made this experience so awful.

monday i have another battle, this time with my normal cardiologist, over when i'll be "allowed" to go back to work. presumably, he'll tell me a week more is in order. i'm armed with the argument that being home alone with nothing to do and losing valuable PTO is far more stressful than actually being at work. we'll see if he wants to work with me or direct me, too.

JY: 2
Death: 0

still gettin' shut out, reaper.

Okayyyy? Greeeeaaat.

2007-09-12T18:27:00.001-06:00

as if my life didn't often enough resemble office space, i met a guy today that must've thought i'd been trying to launder some money. shortly after 6pm there's a knock on my door. the dogs calm down long enough for me to answer and as i open the door what appears? lo and behold, it's a squirly looking 30-something selling magazine subscriptions.

in a shocking bit of deja vu, yes, he began by telling me his story about how his life had been ruined by bad decisions, drugs and alcohol. he was on his road to recovery and by buying a magazine subscription, i'd be helping out his way-way (halfway house, my term) and he'd get a small cut. mercifully, this is where my life and the movie take divergent courses. i haven't put myself in a bind by stealing small fractions of pennies each day, but erring in the code to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars overnight.

i thanked him for stopping by, but told him i'd not be buying anything because i don't read. especially magazines (i hate reading in general). while he thanked me for my time, there was a look of both disappointment and curiosity on his face. naturally, rejection is part of the sales game, but it's as if you could see in his eyes that he was thinking i'd gone through this before. i should have told him that i'd need him to come back on saturday. and sunday. okay? great.

It's not you, it's her

2007-09-11T20:11:00.000-06:00

while i didn't bother to waste any energy (or endanger any brain cells) watching britney spears', ahem, comeback, i certainly read enough about it. and by all accounts it was the entertainment disaster of the century. from the flabby britney to the clumsy britney to the 'phoning it in britney' who can no longer lip synch. and, of course, all the supposedly shocked faces in the audience.

one person notably shocked--and outspoken about it--was kanye west (surprise!). the oft-public whiner went on record to complain about spears' being picked to open the MTV VMAs (this thing is still around?!) rather than the preppy rapper, he of the album debuting next week.

"maybe my money's not right. maybe my skin's not right," west is quoted as saying. yeah, buddy, that's it. you weren't invited to open because you're black. your "genre" of music has taken over every crevice of this country and still the man is just holdin' you down.

how 'bout this, wiseguy, maybe it's because she's a tabloid queen and you, well you just manage to stay away from negative publicity for the most part. yeah, it sucks not being recognized for complete idiocy and bad parenting (like driving with your 1 year old on your lap, running out of gas, a messy public tussle with your mom, exposing your post-birth labia). but, hey, just chalk it up to one of the few downsides to actually acting like a normal human being.

it has nothing to be with you being black. it has nothing to do with you being poor. you're incredibly wealthy and evidently popular enough to be asked to cameo on entourage. so what the hell is the big deal about being just another act on the VMAs? do people really watch that thing anymore? quit whining and enjoy your money and fame. besides, that could be you in 10 years.

Shoot 'em up style

2007-09-09T22:44:00.000-06:00

"Shoot 'em up" review....in 100 words or less.

We were bored. Needed a movie or distraction.

Movie lives up to the title. Clive Owen, drawn in unceremoniously to violence. Unclear past or training. Cloudy, convoluted plot. Not for true moviegoers. Adrenaline and action junkies only. One liners awful, like Terminator, but worse. Hot chick hooker actress should be a B film star. Paul Giamatti should be ashamed. Lots of killing. Unrealistic action like a shootout while skydiving, or crashing through a car window at 85 mph and then killing 6 people. Mildly enjoyable at times. Overall just a waste of time and dinero.

Rating: Save your money. D-

Word count: 100

you KILL me

2007-09-05T00:01:00.000-06:00

it's funny what happens when there is a band you don't particularly love and then you see them in concert. while you may never be an avid follower, if the band's performance live is any good, then you'll at least have a more profound appreciation and admiration for them. i experienced this first a few years back when i saw 311 live--whom i always hated prior to the show and whom i really really like now--and again tonight, when i ventured to red rocks to see the killers play.

g strang got the tickets a while back, and after some bargaining (he paid for this set of tix, i get the next ones...in 2 weeks), i decided to go to the show. let me say, first, that if you've never been to red rocks, it's amazing. of all the venues i've been to to see a show, red rocks is simply incomparable. the scenery, the acoustics, the massive crowds. it's awe-inspiring and phenomenal.

the show itself was pretty dog gone good too. the opening act featured the glorious and triumphant return of louis XIV, who i first heard (oddly enough) on a video game. their performance set the tone for the evening: upbeat, playful, and downright fun. the killers tried feverishly to follow suit and, natch, came out on stage to a thunderous roar from the crowd. their "outfits" certainly played up their oasis-complex (thinking they're the greatest band in the world).

though i don't think they quite lived up to the hype in their own heads, they certainly kept up the pace. the set was fast and furious, leaving no time whatsoever between songs. apparently, they'd begun by playing their most recent album in order, but quickly reverted to their older stuff. the contrast between the two styles was startling.

while i know only a few lyrics to a few of their songs, i was impressed overall with their show. it wasn't the best i've seen, but certainly was no where in the vicinity of "bad." and while i won't be rushing out to buy any of their albums, i'll certainly be more likely to actively listen to their songs should their cd be playing in a friend's car or their tune come over the airwaves. well done, indeed.

next up.....MUSE!

back at red rocks 9/18 for my most anticipated concert in years! i'll be there, camera in hand, singing along to everything from "Absolution" and "Showbiz" (i don't love "black holes and revelations" like everyone else seems to). check back for the (hopefully) glowing review.

C.U. in my dreams

2007-09-02T18:22:00.000-06:00

on saturday, CJ and i attended one of the most exciting college football games ever. the rocky mountain showdown is the annual rivalry game between colorado and colorado state. and while i attended neither school and have no allegiance to either, i'm a fairly frequent visitor to the big rock (boulder), so naturally i chose to support CU. besides, i needed something to take my mind off the fact that my boys in maize and blue were committing the choke of the century.

we lucked into our tickets thru one of CJs friends and since the game was in denver (rather than boulder or ft. collins), it was a simple train ride to the stadium for me. i waited outside the tailgate area for CJ and the boys to arrive. the 20 minutes or so i spent watching the 20-something year old college girls walk (stumble) by really made me miss being 22 again because i must've fallen in love about 30-40 times in a span of 10 minutes with girls that were far too young for me to touch--especially the one that wore only her CU shirt and a black g-string. mmmmmm.

the first half of the game was brilliant. it was exciting, loud and scorching hot. the sun must've been focused directly on me, because i swear i was melting. we took off to the concourse with about 2:00 left in the first half, hoping to beat the rush to the concession stands.

by the time we'd grabbed our grub, we had a front row seat to the most glorious sight a 28 year old bachelor can have: hordes of college coeds, skimpily clad with tight pants, see through shirts, and the glow of drunkenness from 4 hours of tailgaiting strolling passed us as if they knew we were looking and hoped we'd continue. i could go into the gory details, but i'll spare you and leave only this sentiment: this game had the single largest collection of amazingly "talented" women i've ever seen in one place. ever. that includes spring break destinations, football games at other venues, and girls gone wild videos. only "heaven" would begin to approach an appropriate description of the situation.

anyway, the 2nd half was as exciting as the first, with the buffs pulling out an overtime win. i'd really gotten all into it by then and it was a nailbiter. we had a great time, leaving it all out on the field and our voices were reduced to nothing. but even as i look back at how great the game was (and it was all free, to boot!), my lasting impressions will be mostly of the unbelievable quantity and quality of the women present, with the game providing some ancillary background details.

rough 'em up buffaloes, go CU!

Make up your mind!

2007-08-28T00:18:00.000-06:00

NEW RULE: health studies cannot be released until they actually say something.

there has been yet another study about the possible effects of caffeine, particularly in coffee, on blood pressure. over the past few years, these studies have flip-flopped more than a blow-hard politician, citing one minute indications that a cup o' joe can have serious averse effects on blood pressure and cardiovascular health, then saying the next minute that it's just not true.

the most recent study was conducted in finland, consisting of approximately 27,000 fins (insert jimmy buffet song here). maybe there's a difference in the coffee the fins drink and what we drink. why is it that none of these "studies" are ever conducted here? saccarine caused cancer at one point, but only in brits because that's where the study was conducted. of course, they forgot to mention in their half-assed study that one would have to chew about 150 packs of saccarine-containing gum per day to actually be at risk at all. and why can't they do studies on things people actually care about? saccarine. really?

science is an inexact science. we get it. but what's with the rush to judgment all the time, scientists? is it really that fun to throw half the world's population into a panic because you have a new hypothesis that you came up with while you were completely cracked out in a whorehouse in munich? what the hell kind of scientists are you anyway that you that you can't even complete the whole scientific process (e.g. stating the problem, hypothesizing, testing the hypothesis and drawing a conclusion) before issuing some sort of report? even my 11th grade chemistry teacher made me do that.

i know, i know, the pharm companies pay a lot of money for you to come up with something for them to create a new drug for. but c'mon, "scientists," think like a businessman for just one second. take a hint from your pharm company bed companions. wouldn't it be better business for you to create the "cure" for whatever ails us before telling us what ails us? we'll all be so relieved to know that the pill you developed for restless leg syndrome will, by pure happenstance, also cure the mysterious cancerous growths we develop in our knee cartilage from wearing the wrong brand of jeans.

I made a mistake

2007-08-22T11:48:00.000-06:00

by now we've all certainly heard the gory details of michael vick's involvement in dogfighting. as a dog owner, i'm beyond disgusted by stories like these, amplified by the fact that he's such a high-profile athlete.

everyone is right in their condemnation and criticisms of him and his cohorts, but now the NAACP has chimed in, stating that vick should be allowed to return to the NFL once he's finished his sentence. maybe, but it's not their call. regardless, as abhorrent as the situation is, my ire has been raised yet another notch because of one little phrase--he made "a mistake."

teammates, friends, and NAACP reps alike have continued to throw every cliche known to man at the scenario. "he made a mistake." "he just got involved with the wrong people." "it's just a bad situation." let's get one thing straight here, the only "mistake" made on anyone's part is believing that vick didn't have complete and utter control over his life and his future, just as we all do.

making an accounting error is a mistake. having a bad car accident can be a mistake (assuming the driver isn't drunk). mispronouncing a name is a mistake. but bankrolling a dogfighting ring and willfully and actively participating in the torture, mutilation, and killing of animals is not a mistake, it's criminal.

it's fine that the NAACP wants to rally support behind someone whom they identify as their own (though i'd be willing to put money down that vick has not sent a dime to them in support), so long as the situation fits within the confines of their mission--advancing the cause of people of color.

the NAACP was among the first to condemn the duke lacrosse players for allegedly raping a black stripper--which was later proven false--and has yet to issue any type of apology. in that situation, they felt (understandably) the need to protect and support an african american in a time of need, as the victim.

vick is no victim. and in this situation, the NAACP has no reason to be involved nor anything to gain. no one was out to get vick because he's rich and black and just wanted to oppress him because of his race. the fact that he's agreed to a plea deal should signify to the world, and particularly the NAACP and others who want to bring race into the equation, that vick is guilty and is a victim only of his own poor judgment and bad decision making. the only "mistake" being made here is by the people and organizations that continue to try and deflect the blame away from vick and place it squarely on the shoulders of a racist country.

The Rut

2007-08-20T22:16:00.000-06:00

damnit, it's happened again. i tried to keep myself occupied. i tried thinking creatively and "outside the box" (jesus, i hate that term), but it's happened again....i've fallen back into a rut. get up, go to work, come home, eat, go to the gym, shower and sleep. 5 days a week, this is my routine and the 2 off days in between are filled with more of the same--minus the going to work thing.

it's affected my ability to write, seeing as how there is so little going on and even less to get the writing juices flowing. i've become numb to the annoyances of the gym. i go through the motions at the office, occasionally waking from my hypnotic state to eek out a reply when i'm being berated by boss and client alike. the only modicum of stimulus in my life right now is the pennant race, one that will surely end in disappointment and heartbreak. i'm a cub fan after all.

i've lost the passion for my bike, which is a thought so outrageous that it kind of hurts my head to try and figure out how it happened. i climbed a 14er a few weeks back, but haven't had the motivation or desire to do it again, even though i like doing it (well, i hate the suffering part of it, but it's fun to tell your friends who couldn't ever imagine doing it).

i've been relegated to living vicariously through the creativity of others, reading with great frequency the musings of hwood, the curly haired girl and her sidekick roonie. a new soccer season is starting in a few weeks. and with all hopes that my ankle will FINALLY be healed enough to play, hopefully that'll jumpstart the ole life blood.

so, maybe i need another change. no, i'm not moving again (unless i get into thunderbird, at which point i'll have to drag myself down to the arizona desert, where my pale ass may very well burn to an actual crisp). maybe i need a new job (working on that as we speak--one that pays significantly more. fingers crossed.). maybe i need new friends, or to just do something completely out of character and stupid. maybe what i need is a friend like crash davis to punch me in the face and snap me out of it. or maybe what i really need is a simple slump buster.

i'm open to suggestions.

Acronym-onious

2007-08-11T16:26:00.000-06:00

acronyms are fun. especially the ones of the new generation. out with the old and in with the new such as MILF (and for some, even GILF).

if you're young enough to be reading a blog, you're old enough to know that MILF stands for "mother i'd like to fuck." sure, it's a funny term certainly coined by teenaged or 20-something males. but i'm interested more in what happens after said mission has been accomplished.

i was having a conversation about this with a friend of mine, who most certainly fits the bill for being a MILF (trust me, she's smokin' hot), and it really piqued my interest about the evolution of such creative, yet arbitrary terms.

for instance, what happens if you're lucky enough to bag this MILF? then it's no longer a "mother i'd like..", but now is a "mother i already..." that's just how it has to be, since it would no longer make sense, right? i mean, what if you, at one point, wanted to bed her, then did, but were so disappointed that you'd never consider it again? these are the questions we must ask ourselves as we rewrite the english lexicon. so, will the evolution of the term take on additional forms? i think so. here's a brief list of possibilities. your feedback on MILF and others is welcomed and encouraged:

-MILF (mom i'd like to fuck)
-MIAF (mom i already fucked)
-MIWFA (mom i want to fuck again)
-MIRF (mom i regret fucking)
-MIWNF (mom i would never fuck.....shows differing opinions between your buddy and you)

Fuel Deficient

2007-08-10T23:37:00.000-06:00

while i'm on my music kick.....

i caught a performance by fuel on leno this evening and there are few ways to describe how awful it was. fuel was one of my favorite bands of the '90s ever since they burst onto the scene with sunburn, which featured the song "shimmer." they followed up in 2000 with something like human (highlighted by "hemorrhage") and 2003's natural selection, headlined by "falls on me." yeah, they were a mainstream, trendy band but i liked them anyway. scratch that--i liked brett scallions, who was the voice and the face of the band. he was pretty much awesome by all accounts. unfortunately, he split in 2004 and the band should have just ceased to exist right then and there.

but in true rock star arrogance, the band just had to keep the name and simply replace the lead vocalist. this is something i've never quite understood. as a fan, a band to me consists solely of the individuals that make it up at the height of its success. i never really cared if they replaced a drummer or a bassist since the most important of the bunch is the lead singer because, well, he's the lead fucking singer!

after an exhaustive search (which included some dude from american karaoke who has his own band now), the remaining boys of fuel selected toryn green, a local sack of crap who physically resembles a mix between the tool from fall out boy--the really pretty one with brown hair pushed aside emo style--and the asian guy from hoobastank. not that looks really matter when making records, the sound does. this, too, is unfortunate because green sounds like a dj compilation of a dying cat and a tone deaf retarded kid. they should have known from the moment they selected green that they'd never regain the magic they'd found with brett.

perhaps i'm just bitter that a band i really liked at one point just didn't know when to stop. or that they wouldn't rename the band once they got a new lead "singer," and therefore actually recognizing that they became a different band. regardless of my hostile feelings, an objective observation of fuel redux will show that they now are nothing more than a garbage garage band, an utter disappointment to fans of 90s rock.

PS. oh well, RAGE is back!!!!!!!

Hard rock with a soft touch

2007-08-07T21:48:00.000-06:00

last week i picked up a couple of albums (cds, records or whatever the hipsters call them these days) that i've been dying to find. flyleaf and the twilight singers are on complete opposite ends of the musical spectrum, but are satisfying each in their own ways.

flyleaf, whom you may have heard of on account of their recent single "all around me" is a hard-rocking group from good ole texas. it's a bunch of dudes and a chick lead singer whose vocal range runs the gamut from mariah carey-like falsetto to mere alto, a la kay hanley of letters to cleo, while still maintaining the arrogance and attitude of someone like the donnas--but with more talent.

the disc collectively sounds like a femmed up version of the newer linkin park efforts, alternating between head banging, vocal chord straining cries of emotional anguish and softer, nearly ballad-like songs of devotion and love. there are many interesting guitar riffs sprinkled in that remind me of a mixture of elastica and audioslave. weird combination, i know. but pretty damn sweet nevertheless.

twilight singers is the relatively new brainchild of greg dulli, former lead of the afghan whigs (one of my all time favorite cincinnati bands) and his good friend, mark lanegan, formerly of the screaming trees. there's nothing hard-rocking about this EP effort. the 5 songs are classic raw, emotional rock found in the (formerly) smokey clubs in the seedy part of town. i won't hold it against dulli that he's the single biggest asshole i've ever personally met. but his trademark off-key and mildly tone deaf vocals are the perfect complement to the smooth, southern inspired beats.

while the afghan whigs drew merely a small following and little critical acclaim, dulli's partnerships with lanegan, ani defranco, and joseph arthur have been rewarded with prominent placements in shows like FX's uberhit "rescue me." watching the show last week is actually what prompted me to pick up "stitches in time," as TS lent their efforts to the dramatic, fire-filled opening scene of last week's show. the lure would prove too much was the ideal song for the scene. i'd have recognized dulli's music anywhere, and i'm glad i did because these are 5 of the best mellow, classic rock songs you'll find.

Bourne Again

2007-08-04T12:56:00.001-06:00

Bourne Ultimatum reviewed...in 100 words or less

Fucking. Awesome. Better than “Supremacy,” equal to “Identity.” Finally, something worth admission prices.

Damon phenomenal. Stone cold, stoic, determined, struggling to find humanity while facing most highly trained killers yet. Always 3 steps ahead. Super-creative weaponry. Best. Role. Ever.

National secrets revealed. Personal secrets retold. Rogue intelligence agency uncovered. Treadstone meets Blackbriar. Joan Allen vs. David Strathairn. Julia Stiles hotter with age. Interesting character situation. Pre-Marie affair? Still a weak actress.

Greengrass creates excitement from nothingness. Character development overlooked, action a touch overblown. Heart-pumping, pulse racing footage. First movie in years I’d see a 2^nd time. “Legacy” coming next!

Grade: solid A

Word count: 99

Lil thangs poppin'

2007-08-02T22:10:00.000-06:00

it could only happen in arkansas. ok, maybe in utah too, but they get extra help there.

an arkansas family--monogamous man and wife, mind you--just welcomed into the world their 17th child. that's right, 17. so, their nuclear family of 19 outnumbers my entire extended family....on both sides!

the number 17 is quite impressive, if not disgusting (even my friend nikki, who found this story, brought up how "worn out" this lady must be. gross), but there are other numbers, too, that are just as impressive, if not astonishing.

numbers like 90,000. as in, over 90,000 diapers used while rearing these children. or 10.5, which is the length--in YEARS--this woman has been pregnant during her lifetime. 10 and a half years of one's life carrying around another mini life. that's longer than many careers. "So, Ms., what do you do for a living?" "I'm pregnant."

it should come as no surprise that someone in the family is actually named jim bob (not like kyle bob. this is a given name.), which happens to be the poppa. really the only surprise here is that there's absolutely no mention of a trailer park.

Fatty Fatty 2 X4

2007-07-31T21:41:00.000-06:00

the trend is disturbing, this reality tv thing. first it was (ruined) real world, then road rules, then survivor as the staples of people just being and being observed. then the focus shifted to love, what with classics like joe millionaire, paradise island and of course the bachelor and bachelorette. after a brief stint of obsession with gameshows, we've arrived at the latest fad: fat people.

there are alot of fat people in our country. big shock, i'm sure. and, of course, when you have an abundance of something to make fun of and exploit, there's no better way to do so than to make a reality show of it. or five.

celebrity fit club and the biggest loser started us off, followed by something else, something else, shaq's big challenge, something else and now...fat march?!?! a bunch of fat people walking off their blubber on a 500 mile hike across the country. i guess nowadays anything will pass as entertainment.

it may seem that i have something against shows about fat people (i do), or that i'm simply a little late to the party by stating the obvious about the proliferation of (pseudo) reality shows. no, the roundabout point in all of this is the irony of all the shows: that the very people watching the fat people change their lives and get healthy are slowing rotting themselves to death, sitting on their couch engaging in exactly the same lifestyle habits that got the "contestants" on these shows in the first place. maybe we could have a reality show about that? what would it be called.....

Spud-nik

2007-07-30T22:15:00.000-06:00

i don't travel as well as i used to. in the good ole days, i could take a trip and pick up exactly where i left off when i got home. now, however, it seems that every time i go somewhere, i need about 4 days to recover.

last week my company sent me to potato land to train some people how to sell in a foreign language. i was happy to go...until i realized my flight there left at 6:30 am (i live 20 minutes from the airport, plus the 10 minute shuttle, plus the 1 hours arrival before flight. ugh). i got berated by an irritable delta employee at 5:30 in the morning and then my flight, natch, was late, leaving me exactly 12 minutes to catch my connection in salt lake shitty.

i thought that since i'd gotten exactly 3 hours of sleep the night before that i'd be able to take a quick power nap on one of my flights. no dice. i arrived at the office around 10:30 am and, save a few breaks here and there, worked till 12:30--the next morning. of course i'd be tired from that. but even after a solid 7 hours of sleep, i awoke less than refreshed and took on another day chock full o' work.

i was elated to get out of the office for a few days. but even as i began to doze off on the plane home, we were struck with severe turbulence, the price of admission to denver's airspace in mid summer and an obvious sign from the sleep gods that i am not a chose one . i rushed to the kennel to pick up the monsters and headed home, where i promptly fell asleep around 8pm.

i figured that sleeping from 8pm to 6am would be sufficient to recover from 2.5 days of non-stop work. but 6am turned to 11am, which turned into 4pm, which turned into midnight and eventually to 10am on sunday. yes, i literally slept the entire weekend because of one little business trip. i didn't even cross time zones! but was all that sleep enough? nope. woke up this morning and headed to work, bleary eyed and exhausted. and, of course, i took a nap when i got home.

since i'm neither elderly nor narcoleptic, and i don't have mono or any other illness that causes fatigue, what on earth could compel a lively, active and healthy 28 year old to sleep nearly 2 full days after a trip to a destination only an hour and a half flight away? surely it isn't jet lag, 'cause i've had medical procedures that lasted longer than my flight. i'm completely stumped. i guess i'll sleep on it and see what i come up with in the morning.

The Peak of Humanity

2007-07-22T09:31:00.000-06:00

yesterday i climbed my 2nd 14er, Mt. Bierstadt (14,060 feet). and while the sense of accomplishment and physical exhaustion are still present (i slept for 13 hours), neither resonates with me as much as the surprising realization that the people on the mountain yesterday were really, really friendly.

ordinarily, hiking 7 miles at altitudes ranging from 11,000 to 14,000 ft. leaves me tired, hungry, focused (on getting finished) and generally just not in the mood to socialize. but the mountain, deemed the easiest of the 14ers (bullshit) was packed solid with hikers from all walks of life, pun intended. more often than expected, i engaged in conversations with complete strangers--either individuals or groups of people--about a variety of topics. best part was, i didn't even start most of the conversations.

for some, it was their first time. for others it was just a continuation of their weekend rituals. and for a few, it was their milestone achievement in life, climbing this mountain. regardless of experience, the setting was very communal, completely the opposite of the isolation and solitude of climbing pikes peak last summer. it was almost like a block party on the side of a mountain--just without the booze, or real food (clif bars get really old after your 3rd one), and chicks in bikinis.

the climb itself wasn't very memorable. i suffered immensely during the ascent, and the path to the summit was a 1/4 mile of boulders. but none of that will be filed within the memory banks; only the realization that i think i found myself a new community of which to be a part and my one regret: i didn't get her number.

14er hikers are even more friendly than cyclists. and for those of you who ride, that's a significant statement. the path to the top of the world is long, tough and full of obstacles. it miraculously becomes much easier and more navigable with a few friendly faces.

UPDATE: Pics have been posted on myspace. i need a new photographer. mine's really slow.

A-Muse-ing

2007-07-13T22:54:00.000-06:00

double post today 'cause, well, i'm fuckin' stoked!

today i successfully procured my tickets to see muse at red rocks in september. that month is gonna be all kinds of bad ass, since i'm going to see the killers at red rocks also. oh yeah, i'll be getting my guster tickets soon for, you guessed it, september. i love the beginning of fall.

The Program

2007-07-13T17:38:00.000-06:00

always respect the program.

minds smarter than mine have long stated that adapting a workout program is the best way to avoid plateaus and to achieve results. inspired by TJ's 20 lbs. goal, i've changed my workout program and set my goal equal to his...-20lbs. by sept. 15.

obviously, diet plays a huge part of this, so i've reverted back to my immediately-out-of-the-hospital diet for the time being (low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol, low calories. basically, the "low diet). but diet can only do so much. so, here's the exercise plan that will get it done, as detailed in the Journal of Applied Physiology (Feb. 22, 2007)

M, W, F, Sa
-3o min aerobic of choice (bike, mtn bike, treadmill, elliptical) at moderate-high intensity.
-20 min "rest" period for ab work. rest 1 min between sets and exercises and 3 min before beginning 2nd 30-min aerobic session.
+hanging leg raises, 2 set 10 rep
+bicycle maneuvers, 2 set 20 rep
+vertical crunches, 2 set 10 rep
+reverse crunches, 2 set 10 rep
+ab crunches, 2 set 20 rep
-3o min aerobic of choice

Tu, Th (Su optional)
weight training. 1 min rest between sets. 1 min rest between exercises. complete all exercises in the list. 14 exercises, 42 sets, 450 reps and a TON of sweat.

-incline dumbbell bench press, 3 x10
-incline dumbbell flye, 3 x10
-seated dumbbell overhead shoulder press, 3 x10
-seated dumbbell front raises, 3 x10
-seated dumbbell side laterals, 3 x10
-rear raises on incline bench, 3 x10
-wide-grip lat pull, 3 x10
-bent over barbell rows, 3 x10
-two-arm seated preacher curls, 3 x10
-skull-crushers (or substitute), 3 x10
-one-leg squat (each leg), 3 x10
-leg extensions, 3 x10
-hamstring curls, 3 x10
-standing calf raises, 3 x20

the high intensity and fast pace of the routine keeps the heart rate elevated for fat metabolism, and the exercises have been sequenced to maximize the activation of key muscle fibers (as determined through electrode testing) for the greatest muscle-building/fat burning effect. after only 2 weight training sessions (from which i'm STILL sore) i've already seen a difference in the mirror and on the scale.

i'll check back in 2 months (the prescribed program time) with some results. yikes, this is gonna be hard to keep up....

Puppy Love

2007-07-10T21:09:00.000-06:00

there are few simple pleasures in life as great as the love of man's best friend. in my case, that's friends, plural. i took my monsters to the kennel while i headed out of town for drunken debauchery. they went in as a couple of obnoxious, bobble-headed furry nuisances, who liked to eat everything and jump up and scratch me. they came out happy to see me, but much more subdued, cuddly, and just generally appreciative of having a nicer roof over their heads. who says prison doesn't work?

Flight of Feeble (Minded)

2007-07-08T23:43:00.000-06:00

i've begun to like flying a whole lot less than i used to. i still like airports, though. there's something about them that, when walking through them, still gives me a feeling of adventure--even if i'm just flying in from a run-of-the-mill midwestern city. i think the decline in my attraction to flying has a little to do with flying in and out of denver, because i've never had a smooth trip getting into the city. the way the winds flow down the mountains and flood the plains--airfield included--makes for horrific turbulence, especially in summer. but today i pinpointed the true reason that hopping on a silver bird is a lot less fun than it used to be: the people.

specifically, i'm talking about the bumbling idiots on the plane that do/say/(visibly and outwardly) think/consider the most remarkably dumb things. i've long believed that with humans being sentient creatures that it would be instinctive to learn the customs of an airplane. there are so many outlets to get out the message of how to do things. things like how to buckle the seat belt, how to open the overhead compartment, when you may/may not use electronic devices and exactly why you are not supposed to use a cell phone on the flight.

it could be something as simple remembering back to the last time you flew to conjure up the muscle memory needed to insert the flat thing into the clicky thing. or, you could pay attention to the head flight attendant's safety speech before take-off. or, if all else fails, you could simply watch someone else and mimic their motions.

perhaps i am a bit too critical in my observations of these buffoons. after 5 days of drinking while melting in the midwestern humidity and suffocating on sea-level air, my judgement could have been clouded. the fact that i couldn't figure out what time it was for 4 of the days left me sleep deprived (the drinking helped that too) and restless, and the discomfort from hyperactive case of man chafe could have further narrowed my views of acceptable behavior. nevertheless, i offer my suggestions to fellow passengers to make future flights more accommodating to even the surliest of travelers.

any one of the three methods above would have helped the cretin in seat 15A (across the aisle from me) figure out how, exactly, to secure a seat belt. rather than making any attempt at doing so, he waited till we were preparing for takeoff ring the flight attendant bell and ask for help. guy, you're 60 years old. surely you've done this in one manner or another (remember, cars have them too) once or twice in your life.

and to the 20-something in seat 12F, you see where it says "push button to open" on the overhead bin? perhaps you should consider reading and following the directions instead of trying to tear the plane apart and looking around aghast as if to suggest that boeing mis-engineered a storage bin.

crying baby lady in row 17...when the lavatory (that's bathroom or restroom to anyone not on a plane or who has seemingly never been on one) door is locked and the signs on both the handle and the light say "occupied," it would be a safe assumption that there is someone in there taking care of business. i'd also venture a guess that they'd prefer you not bang and shake the door, making them believe that the rear half of the plane is about to be violently torn apart, a la "lost."

and finally, to the guy 2 seats over from me wearing an alaskan wolf t-shirt and a fanny pack, i offer you this: when the announcement comes over the PA that electronic devices (approved or otherwise) are not to be used until 10 minutes into the flight--or not at all, in some cases--it'd be a wise choice, and quite possibly a life saving one, to follow suit. even with the rumbling of the engines and the noise of the wheels against the runway i managed to identify what i believed to be your cell phone ringing. the same phone that i swear i could see you were outwardly contemplating answering... WHILE THE REAR WHEELS WERE OFF THE GROUND. and while i, too, enjoy the ipod, i'm just dumb enough to not understand the reasons it could fuck up the plane, but i'm smart enough to know not to tempt fate. i would suggest in the future that you apply the same logic if you plan on flying again. oh, and for the record, a 45 year old guy playing a PSP is just creepy. or pathetic.

ahh, the joys of air travel.

***i should add in a positive note...the flight to the 'burgh went off without a hitch. all passengers were well-educated in airplane etiquette, the flight was smooth and (most importantly) on time, and i even had a seat between me and the dude on the window. 1st class flight on a coach budget.***

RAOG on the road

2007-07-06T13:28:00.000-06:00

greetings from the midwest. er, the mid-atlantic. or whatever designation this place gets. i'm in pittsburgh, PA till the end of the weekend. i logged on to see what my fellow bloggers (and all 3 readers) were up to and figured i'd share a few random thoughts from the road.

i haven't been to the 'burgh in about 18 years. i think the last time i came here i was with my dad, crashing at one of his friend's places. my lasting impression of the steel city was gray, dank, dirty and altogether unattractive.

times have changed a bit. here are some observations:

-the grayness of the city has seemingly dissipated, along with the existence of the actual steel industry. now the under-educated manual labor force spends its time inhabiting any of the 2.6 million bars in town.

-this city is old a shit. every major city i've been to has at least one part that has new homes, new commercial developments, etc. pittsburgh does not. at all. except for the PNC park and Heinz field, there is nothing in this city built after 1972.

-there are too many colleges/universities in the same area. there are literally 4 universities that share one neighborhood of the city. SE michigan had a few schools that were a few miles apart, which was a nice way of sharing the land. pittsburgh's schools mix, match and meld into one bohemian, urban college campus. sounds cool? remember, soilent green is people. there's not a patch of green for miles. ew.

-the girls on the campus(es) are surprisingly good looking. very much so, in fact. i'd go so far as to call them "stellar." joke around town is that the only good looking pittsburgh girl is one that is not from here. i must find out where they came from then and move there. i fell in love about 6 times on a 1 hour campus tour.

-people here have a weird accent. i don't know what it's called or even how to characterize it. it's not like the east coast with NYC and boston. nor is it like the south, with its easily identifiable drawl. there's no west coast surfer slang to speak of, and they don't annoyingly add an "r" to words like "wash" as they do in cincinnati. i don't know what it is, but evidently, people here are all bilingual.

-there are 3 rivers here that all look the same. everything around them looks the same. and the people who "planned" this city may very well have been blind. or retarded. take your pick. chicago is on a square grid, detroit was planned on a spoke and wheel, and denver is a flat grid and a cross grid (our planners were dumb too). pittsburgh has no plan. it has no grid. nothing makes sense. roads that travel north-south quickly turn to east-west, and then back to north-south. even the natives get lost.

-pittsburghers love their food. a lot. for as many beautiful hills and valleys as the region has for running and cycling, locals evidently do not take advantage of them at all. how could they when they're busy stuffing their faces with all sorts of italian and german goodies? oh, and beer. milwaukee and chicago are beer cities. add the 'burgh to the list. i'd put a 'burgher up against and chicagoan every day of the week and twice on sundays. and i'd lay big odds on the man from PA.

-humidity is god's way of telling people he hates them. i moved from the midwest for a reason. all this time i thought it was the cold, dreary winters. nope. it was the hot, insufferably humid summers. now i remember. nothing quite like needing a shower after a shower. and for a high plains dweller like me (5280, remember?), consuming the thick, humid air is like trying to inhale a brick. oppressive and suffocating.

-businesses like pittsburgh. i don't know why either, but many large, respected companies make their homes here. or at least have a huge presence. alcoa, verizon, ppg, del monte, heinz (of course) and many others inhabit the buildings that create the skyline. pittsburgh is 2 weeks from everywhere, except cleveland. but cleveland doesn't count because it's a hole and no one actually considers it a real city. so the isolated nature of the city and its penchant for drawing large businesses makes the job market relatively attractive, even in a down economic cycle.

-lastly, i know now that i do, in fact, prefer the western U.S. to the mid-west/mid-atlantic/eastern seaboard. but, with everything the region has to offer, there are worse places to procure an MBA and put it to good use.

Movie review

2007-07-01T01:04:00.000-06:00

ocean's 13

....in 100 words or less

lots of hype. good reviews. critics are stupid. better than 2. not as good as 1. pitt, clooney very smooth. dashing, even. damon’s role too big. caan and affleck likeability gone because they’re overplayed. pacino despicable, but believable. garcia (benedict) doesn’t fit. gould useless and ellen barkin is a cougar. meow. eddie izzard cameo pricesless (favorite comic).

plot contrived, over the top. beyond believability. many slow parts, not nearly enough drama. plans not explained like in 1 and 2. humor not up to snuff. laughs are few and far between. entertaining, but not great. wait till video.

grade: c-. please don't let there be an ocean's 14.

word count: 97

That's a Manne, Man

2007-06-28T20:48:00.001-06:00

understand that i write this with a bit of fire in my belly. i'm pretty enraged at the idiocy of some people in our society. i'll try my best to make this coherent and pointed.

a wise man once wrote about how americans foolishly choose their idols and give non-stop airtime to people who are famous for being famous. while i agree that the paris hiltons of the world should be put in their proper places, it's not just hollywood celebrities getting disproportionate airtime. it's the politicos too--particularly of the talking head variety.

i'm pretty liberal, and tend to disagree with just about everything that comes from the right, with the exception of ron paul, who may very well be the last sane politician in our country. i laugh at the sheep who willingly allow chris matthews, rush limbaugh, bill o'reilly and other so-called pundits to direct their ideologies (an aside: let's get something straight, it's one thing to agree with a talking head and his position simply because he's better able to articulate what you feel. it's something completely different to be devoid of any original thought or common sense and to depend on these overpaid blowhards to do the heavy lifting for you.) .

but as much as i dislike their views and often the terms they use to express them, i understand that it's a bunch of spin and propaganda to help an administration and an ideology in which they firmly believe. and of course, for good ratings.

then there's anne coulter. or manne coulter, if you prefer.

i concluded shortly after hearing her latest attacks on john edwards, whom she wished had been killed by an assassin's bullet, (and for whom i will not be voting for in the colorado primary. full disclosure) that manne is simply the most despicable public figure of our time.

while the other talkies (liberals like franken, et al included) attack the opposing party on issues and personal beliefs, mr. coulter attacks liberals simply to attack them. she attacks them individually in books, on radio, on tv and in magazine articles. she attacks their family life, their looks, their accents and wishes them ill in their personal lives, not in their professions.

her attacks are viscious, classless and rooted in nothing more than hate. they're often times so outlandish that there is no other plausible explanation for them other than that she likes to hear herself talk and hopes to sell a few more books. her views are so far right that even the most conservative republicans look downright liberal in comparison. and she does absolutely nothing to advance the conservative agenda. many in the grand old party are trying to distance themselves from her (since any link could sink any hopes at a successful run for office), the media, however, seem not to mind one bit.

how does a hate-mongering, truthless, self-serving sociopath get so much airtime? paris hilton. anne is the skinnier (even than paris), uglier, politically charged, more intellectual and vocal version of paris. she's slandered and libeled her way to prominence, despite no evidence of any discernable talent. yet the chris matthews, larry kings, and (this really pains me to say this) even the bill mahers of the world give her a pulpit, a platform to spew her hate anytime and anywhere she wants.

i've met countless conservatives/republicans in my life (many of whom are my friends) that are able to hold intelligent, meaningful conversations and express their personal political beliefs with grace and dignity. this type of discourse should be applauded and should have its place in the halls of congress, the floor of the city council, and in circles of friends discussing the issues of the day. manne coulter's hate-filled, slanderous brand of propaganda has only one place--the fiery pits of hell. i'll save him a seat.

My Wish

2007-06-25T22:59:00.000-06:00

every once in a while, the world of sports takes a step back to, as the cliche goes, "put everything in perspective." sadly, this shuffling of priorities comes almost exclusively after the death of one of their own. certainly there were a few deaths this week, notable only to those who closely follow sports (or sports entertainment if you're a chris benoit fan), but the greater proverbial step back this week was taken by the worldwide leader in sports, espn, as it resurrected its "my wish" series this week.

for the uninitiated, "my wish" is a weeklong segment during which entertainment and sports programming network teams up with the make a wish foundation to deliver sports-related wishes to kids who have endured excruciating, heartbreaking, and life-altering battles with illness and adversity.

wish recipient number one was a kid, noa, from hawai'i that survived a liver transplant, a staph infection and gangrene....when he was 3 months old. since he can't play contact sports like football, he adopted basketball as his favorite sport and dwayne wade as his favorite player. true to the theme of the segment, ESPN delivered a full weekend with dwayne wade (complete with h.o.r.s.e. and 1-on-1 competitions) to noa to complete his dream.

ordinarily, i'm apathetic to contrived altruism (that's a bit oxymoronic, no?), such as much of the publicity stunts, er, philanthropy our celebrities do. but as a sports fan, i'm unable to resist the heartwarming stories the "my wish" program brings, since--for once in my life--i can actually relate to these kids on a fundamental level on account of our shared passion for sports and my own desire to live out some childhood dreams.

7 fulfilled wishes out of millions isn't a great percentage, but i commend ESPN for making the effort and giving a platform and a microphone to so many causes. it's great to see young people that have gone through so much get rewarded for their perseverance and determination in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. i just hope that no one i know will have the chance to be part of the program. that's my wish.

Hail, Hail

2007-06-23T00:42:00.000-06:00

i'm back from hiatus. i've recharged my mental battery, so to speak, by working an ungodly amount of hours (doing other people's jobs no less) and spending inordinate amounts of time in the gym. oh yeah, i also started reading newspapers again.

i love my adopted hometown. 5280 has a bit of everything: outdoor activities, some culture, TONS of sun (yeah, california...even more than you) and a few decent restaurants and bars. but for a town full of transplants that so desperately wants to fit in with LA, chicago and new york--i'll never quite understand exactly why--it seems that none of the common sense from those metropoli ever seemed to rub off on denver.

i had my suspicions and i'd heard the rumors, but i recently found out that it's actually illegal to hail a cab in denver. yeah, you read that right. read it again. "illegal to hail a cab in denver." now the council is--try not to laugh--considering repealing the ordinance and replacing it with one that would allow people to hail a cab anytime day or night...with the caveat that the passenger must be fully loaded and ready to roll in 90 seconds.

with the ever-too-low legal BAC of .08, DUI arrests have skyrocketed in our state and city (no word on if this increase is proportional to the influx of californians and texans), and with limited options to avoid a likely DUI scenario, it's easy to see why. the city has slowly--and i mean slowly--"improved" its public transit, while simultaneously stepping up its DUI checkpoints and giving cops and patrol more loopholes for probable cause than ever before. so, more arrests, fewer transportation options. yeah, that seems logical.

somehow, in the excitement and chaos of what all state and city lawmakers have deemed an epidemic, the idea that providing easy access to taxi transportation as a reduction method has been completely lost. remember, mr. mayor, the most logical answer is often the correct one.

it's no wonder the colorado natives so resent transplants. natives clamor for new and stylish ways to mimic the more glamorous and notable hotspots. they see something on tv highlighting LA nightlife, nyc clubs, and chicago brewpubs and just assume that slapping a sign on a refurbished warehouse will draw the masses. they're partly right. those of us from more sophisticated areas of the country are just trying to apply some logic as the vehicle to help get them home safely. seems they're finally starting to get it.

Descriptile Dysfunction

2007-06-17T22:50:00.000-06:00

you may have noticed the stark absence of any posts from me lately. or maybe you didn't. either way, i haven't written anything in a while because, well, i just haven't had much to say--writer's block, if you will (how ironic that i'm writing about having writer's block. eesn't dat vierd?)

i'll say that between finally solving my air conditioning conondrum, getting my increasingly fat ass back to the gym, and working more hours than i really care to, i haven't had much of an opportunity to have anything funny or interesting happen to me.

so, don't fret, friends of mine in the blogosphere. i'm in good health, good spirits, and a nicely cooled apartment. sooner or later something fun or interesting is bound to happen somewhere in the world. and as usual, when stories break, i fix them. i'll be back.

The Cold Shoulder

2007-06-05T18:05:00.000-06:00

summer is rapidly approaching and my A/C is in need of a re-charge (seems like there's always something wrong with this damn thing). friendly landlord lady called her "girl" to have her call me and set up a service time. it's been a frustrating ordeal, so let's peek in after the douchebag serviceman no call/no showed on me....twice!

fll: did you get everything taken care of?

me: no. idiot no called/no showed on me twice.

fll: oh my god! are you kidding?

me: nope, but i took care of it. it'll happen, and we may even get it discounted

***flashback to monday morning*** (how do you do dream sequence waves?)

general manager: good morning, this is amy. how can i help you?

me: hi. i was supposed to have an A/C service call on wednesday, but your guy didn't show up. he called me on thursday to tell me he was too busy and forgot to call and say he'd not be coming.

GM: are you serious?

me: do i sound like i'm joking? not only did he pull this on wednesday, when i rearranged my meeting schedule to accomodate him, but he did it on saturday as well, when i rearranged my social schedule. obviously, i'm incredibly unhappy with this. not so much because it's hot and i need the a/c, but moreso because it's just a lack of courtesy and really, really bad customer service.

GM: do you remember who was supposed to come out?

me: yep. tim. both times. does tim know how to use a phone?

GM: i'm beginning to wonder. well, i'm very sorry about this and we'll get out there as soon as possible.

me: what does that mean? because if it doesn't mean today or tomorrow, then evidently, you don't want the work. i'm sure it'll be easy to find someone who does.

GM: we can squeeze you in between 3 and 5 on tuesday.

me: squeeze me in? are you serious? and between 3 and 5? are you the cable company or something? i get off work at 4pm. i'll expect him there between 4:30 and 5.

GM: okay. that's fair. and i'll personally call you when he leaves here.

me: great. click.

****flash forward to today, the day of the appointment****

rush home from work, still without a phone call. phone rings at 4:50pm. it's good ole tim, telling me he's leaving now...from arvada (for those of you not familiar with 5280 geography, arvada is a 25 minute drive....without rush hour traffic).

at present time, 6:15pm on tuesday, still no tim. it's gonna be a hot summer.

Whew!

2007-06-02T18:04:00.000-06:00

been a busy weekend...and it's not even over! last night, my old boss finally got to show some of his art. for you photography buffs out there, his stuff is pretty interesting. he specializes in giclee, which if you're unfamiliar, is the practice of creating prints from a digital source. he takes various photographs of unrelated subjects and mixes, matches, splits and splices them and prints them on archive-quality canvas, which he stretches himself. cool stuff. and the gallery opening was pretty tight too. yeah, i'm now bourgeois.

ordinarily, 5am on a saturday is one of the last hours of the day i'd imagine seeing. this morning, however, it greeted me like an old friend. up at 5 to be downtown at 6....to help set up the 10th annual denver heartwalk. the weather was perrrrrfect for the 9,500 participants. sacrifice sleep to save lives? you betcha. now i'm bourgeois and philanthropic.

tomorrow, i will once again greet my friend 5am as i prepare for my 3rd installment of the elephant rock ride. i'm stretching it a bit this year, participating in the 50 mile version, though i'm clearly not ready for it. let's say i'm easily persuaded sometimes. so, once that grueling ride through the black forest is complete, it's off to record the first of what i hope to be many, many voice over samples. this shows i'm ambitious.

bourgeois, philanthropic and ambitious. maybe that should be the new subhead of the RAOG blog.

They Must've Been High

2007-05-29T22:12:00.000-06:00

we can all agree that the real world ruined everything. but tv execs didn't stop there. they followed with other trainwrecks like the bachelor, the bachelorette, american karaoke (and other variations), and a whole host of other "reality" shows. the process, obviously, was the tv land equivalent to throwing shit at a wall to see what would stick. sadly, most of it did.

as cheap, smutty, or ridiculous and as many of the american reality series may be (pointing directly at "National Bingo Night"...i still can't get over this one), the dutch have scored the coup d'gras in the battle for the least tasteful show. ever.
they call it the "big donor show." the creators must've used all their creative juices in comprising the premise, leaving nothing to come up with a catchy title. as in the states, there is a great debate over the merits (or lackthereof) of the show, with the producers claiming social benefit and critics--government included--claiming exploitation and smut.

the intent of the show, as you may already be aware, is to raise awareness of the shortage of donor organs in the nearly underwater, purple hazed country (perhaps they wouldn't need so many donor organs if they laid off the hash just a bit?). needless to say, the best way to draw attention to an issue like this is to create a reality show on which contestants vie for a much needed, life-saving organ...which is awarded by the family of the donor.

i'm not going to get off on some pro-american rant here, but when we have a national health crisis, such as diabetes, breast cancer, heart disease, etc., we organize marches, fundraisers, or just wait for jerry lewis to come on tv and tell us to give money. but when the dutch are running fatally low on organs they desperately need, they...create a fucking reality show? the only logical explanation is that they must've been high.

A letter to my dogs...

2007-05-24T20:58:00.001-06:00

who can't read this 'cause they're stupid. and they're dogs.

dear dogs,

i love you guys. i really do. you're my furry little companions who are always there waiting for me when i get home from work. you're always excited to see me even if i've been gone for all of five minutes. it makes me feel good. really, it does. it's cute the way you always want my attention and your unconditional love is very much appreciated. however, since we live in a relatively confined space, i must now do what i've been remiss in doing for years....setting ground rules. so, below is a list of new rules (real time style) that, if followed, will make all our lives much more enjoyable.

new rule: when i say "bedtime," i mean for me. not you. you are a dog, which means you cannot buy or own anything. including my bed. you should learn that when i kick you off the bed 3-6 times per night, that i don't want you there. please take this under advisement.

new rule: no whining. whining is a form of communication reserved for infant humans and 28 year old males that write blogs. since you have no manner in which to convey what you really want once you've gotten my attention, you must cease and desist from whining. forever.

new rule: stay the fuck out of the bathroom garbage. i know you're a fucking dog, so it's obviously beyond your realm of comprehension, but garbage cans are for refuse--things i've used that i no longer need. please stop removing tissues, floss, and toilet paper rolls from the bathroom and strewing them about my, er, our apartment.

new rule: please don't bark at EVERYTHING. seriously. it's okay for you to bark from time to time. you're dogs, it's what you do. barking at a passing cat or dog? fine. a human? not preferable, but tolerable nonetheless. but a plastic bag being blown across the road by the wind? are you kidding? why waste your breath barking at that? stupid little furry animal.

new rule: remember, you're on a leash. since we're talking about things outside, let's review proper etiquette for walks. you have a leash around your neck, which is connected to a handle held by my hands. if you're familiar with the anatomy song (the hip bone's connected to the thigh bone, etc.) you'll recall that my hands are connected to my arms, which are held in place to my body by virtue of my shoulders. shoulders are vulnerable. so, when you take off running like you're fucking barbaro, shoulders tend to get hurt. what's worse is that you've been on a leash for walks for over 2 years....and you STILL can't remember this. please don't do that anymore.

new rule: grass is not a foodgroup. once you've stopped eating my garbage, we can move onto other things that shouldn't remain staples of your diet. for instance, grass and the things and substances that may be contained therein. one of you sniffs the grass incessantly, as if it'll give you a high like a magic marker. the other chomps at the grass with each step, emulating a grazing cattle, i suppose. have you not figured out yet that this is one of the primary causes of you having painful, nasty shits? do us all a favor and stick to the food i feed you. believe it or not, "dad" knows best.

new rule: socks belong on feet, not in your mouth. i'm not even sure how you manage to get ahold of my socks. they're either in a drawer or in a hamper with a lid. yet, somehow, i come home to find at least one of them in the living room, usually between your feet as you look up at me as if to say, "oh, you mean this sock?" actually, i mean all of them. don't eat my socks, god damnit.

and finally...

new rule: you are essentially brother and sister and incest is not permitted in colorado, even of the canine variety (okay, i made that part up. but still, gross). one of you i got from the pound. i rescued you, had you fixed, made sure you were a healthy, pretty puppy. i guess i did too well 'cause the other one of you, whom dog #1 found in a field, cannot hold back your primal needs when she's around. frankly, it's appalling. or maybe unnerving considering, well, you don't have any manhood left because you were fixed too. look, i know all about sexual frustration and i know that you guys are the reason we have the term "doggy style." but please, do your human a favor and keep it in your pants. er, keep it in your fur. enjoy the fact you have company when i'm not around; you have someone to occupy you and to help get you into trouble. but when friends (or brothers and sisters) get sexually involved, nothing good can come out of it. just ask angelina jolie's brother.

dogs, following these simple rules will give us all better lives. i'll be much less tense around you, much less likely to blow up at you, and generally even nicer to you than i am right now. i think we can all agree on 2 things moving forward to improve our living arrangement: 1) you'll leave my stuff alone, as i'll leave yours and 2) let's leave the fucking to the humans. mmmkay?

Might as Well be Walking on the Sun

2007-05-21T07:29:00.001-06:00

how i came to realize that i'm an idiot:

saturday morning, 8:10am

j: nice shot dude! you're nuttin' that club today.

me: yeah, not bad. fuck, it's hot already? it's not even 9am yet.

j2: it's gonna get hotter. good thing we have carts and good thing i'm mexican....i'm used to this shit.

j: you should try going to vietnam in the summer. talk about fucking hot.

me: why the hell would i go there in the summer? that's just gluttony. and you both suck for not being white. buy me a drink.

(after 5 holes...)

me: look at my fucking hat. it's drenched already and it's hotter than a slave ship out here!

j: must suck to be white sometimes.

me: yeah, good thing i brought.....oh FUCK!

j2: you forgot your sunscreen didn't you?

me: yeah.

j2: how long have you lived out here?

me: almost 3 years.

j2: almost 3 years and you still manage to forget sunscreen? idiot. you're gonna fry.

me: probably.

j: that sucks for you, dude. lemme see. (sees my red neck) holy shit, man, you're gonna be in pain for a while.

me: that bad?

j: no, i always say "holy shit" when something isn't that bad. i'd recommend not showering the rest of the weekend. you're like fire-engine red and a shower is gonna hurt like a mofo!

me: sweet. this happens every summer out here. it's like my memory is reset over the winter and i always manage to get torched at the beginning of the summer.

j +j2: stupid white boy idiot mother fucker. (smack me simultaneously on the back of the neck.

me: (sigh).

Side-Walk

2007-05-17T16:44:00.000-06:00

n. path for pedestrians on the side of a street.

that's right, the sidewalk is meant for walking. go figure. so, why then must you use the sidewalk as your personal bike lane? you're an adult. you should be responsible. you should know the rules of the road by now. and should have been wearing a helmet. asshat.

you ride on the sidewalk with your shitty ass bike wearing headphones--a no-no in heavy traffic areas--and are riding in the wrong. fucking. direction. what's more, you have the gall to dismount said bike, remove said headphones from your pudgy, ugly ass head and incite an argument because--GASP--dogs want to chase after a moving vehicle( yeah, a bike is a vehicle, you silly trollop) that shouldn't have been on the sidewalk in the first place!

i'm a cyclist. you're a heffer who somehow managed to find a bike that would support her immense weight. i follow the rules of the road. you don't even ride on it. get a brain, get a clue, or get of your god damned bike.

whore.

PS. in most cities, riding a bike on the sidewalk, provided you're not a child, is illegal and punishable by fines.

Tall Glass of Milf

2007-05-15T16:53:00.000-06:00

i live next to the rich area of denver. the boulevard is really what separates the haves from the have-nots or almost beens. but, since we're in such close proximity, we do share several things...like target.

the target by my place is reknowned for good looking women. college aged, middle aged, almost old aged. you name it, we've got em. and they're hot. i went there today to pick up a few items, and while standing in line my gaze was met by two super milfs. i noticed many more as i was walking through the store, so many so that i nearly forgot to recognize all the cutie little college girls running around too.

this brought up an interesting thought in my mind: why, all of a sudden (within the past year), have i found myself much more attracted to hot mommies than sultry college coeds or young professionals? sure, i still turn my head at the sight of smokin' hot blonde that just came from the gym. but my eyes have gravitated, inexplicably, toward the mommies of the world. i'm not old by any stretch, nor am i "middle aged", AND i hate kids. those 3 qualifications alone should mandate that i gawk needlessly only at the girls my age or younger (not YOUNGER (gross), but younger as in a couple of years or so).

i chalk it up to the fantasy of the whole thing. ya know, the mrs. robinson syndrome, if you will. obviously i choose to date girls closer to my age, but there's just something more mystifying (sometimes) to me about a hot mom than there is about a fit 20-something. i hope it's not part of the, um, maturation process. nor do i hope it signifies that it's time to look to the older crowd for a relationship. that'd suck.

i guess the only real explanation is the simplest. the deli man spiked my food again with a magic potion to direct my attention to milfs so as to eliminate me from his competition pool. that must be it. curse you, deli man.

Requiem for a Dream

2007-05-14T21:37:00.000-06:00

question: what is the chemical in food that causes insanely vivid, impossible, and often freakish dreams?

answer: i have no clue, but whatever it is, there's an abundance of it in whatever i've been eating. in fact, i'd venture a guess that i'm taking in about 3 times the daily recommended allowance of "it."

last night i dreamt (for the second time) that i'd returned to my college town and couldn't get out. almost "hotel california-ish" in it's you can never leave theme. i was so desperate to get out of there (in real life) that a prolonged return would be my equivalent to purgatory. ugh. thankfully i woke up, but i'm sure when i visit dreamland again, i'll still be stuck in ypsisucky.

of course, being stuck in a ghetto podunk town (yes, i'm aware of the oxymoronic qualities of this assessment. you really have to go there to see for yourself) pales in comparison to being convicted of murder. i'm fuzzy on the details of that dream, but i know that i was sentenced to life in prison...at OZ (see, i told you it's fucked up).

naturally, the murder conviction dream was only slightly less palatable than the animal abuser/cruelty one. that one actually made me physically ill. in fact, i woke up mid-dream because i was so nauseated by the imagery.

and what dream sequence would be complete, speaking of imagery, without a jaunt through a grand canyon-like landscape while flying on a pink dinosaur with wings? never ending story anyone? cripes.

so, to recap, in the past few weeks i've been stranded in a town i hate, convicted of murder, abused puppies, kittens and horses, and flown on pink dinosaurs with wings through a fanciful landscape. there MUST be something in my food. makes me want to stop eating. or sleeping. or both. i bet it's that damned deli kid.