A Vote for Myspace

while visiting the preferred website of people ages 14-33, i noticed that there were some "cool new people" that have joined the network recently. they looked oddly familiar, if not a bit too old for the demographic, and had some pretty cool monikers like "bill," "mitt," and "barack." i thought that was interesting.

every refresh of the homepage saw another politician trying to fit in make the "cool new people" list. i'm sure some of these guys are pretty cool if you get to know them. problem is, i don't want to. it's amazing the levels these jackasses will go to to pander to the voters. not that this is a new idea or anything, but if bill richardson, mitt romney and my presidential fave, obama, think that by getting on myspace and adding 34,976,658 friends will have an impact on my vote, then they should be drafting up the termination papers for their campaign advisors.

i don't want to be your friend, politicos. i find you as a group to be disgusting, sleazy, and pathetic enough without you infiltrating my virtual social playground (believe it or not, i used to have a real-life social playground. now it's more of just a social jungle gym without the gravel below to cushion any fall).

no, what i want you to do is stop trying to be hip and innovative in your quest for the 1600 pennsylvania address and campaign like a real politician should: go out and raise ungodly amounts of money from the sheep who will believe anything you say, and spend it on attack ads, newspaper ads, special appearances in other venues i'd prefer not to see you in (save an appearance on "real time with bill maher" because i'm confident in his ability to make them uncomfortable and challenge them on certain points. it's funny watching politicians backpedal), and then make tons of promises you can't keep.

in short, i want you to take the traditional route in making me despise you just a little less than the other candidates. invading myspace has made me hate you just a little more, because now there's not a shred of evidence to counter the idea that there's nothing you people won't do to secure a vote.

the funniest part of this to me is how many more democrats are on there than republicans, given that the site is owned by sleazeball supreme, rupert murdoch, and his band of merry propagandists. but that's another story for another time. for now, end rant.

The Best Job Ever

dear station manager,

this letter is to inform you of my interest in filling your need for a chief meteorologist/weather anchor. though there is no formal posting for the position, i am fairly certain that after this weekend's debacle, there surely will be one come monday, and i simply want to be ahead of the pack.

while i may not possess the classical training or skills of most weathermen, i feel i'm certainly as unqualified for the position as your current staff is, and can bring tremendous value to your station since my salary demands (high 5 figures) are significantly lower than their current pay grade (low 6 figures). for example, had i been the one to completely botch this weekend's forecast, predicting upwards of 18 inches of snow--prompting flight cancellations at the airport--only to be followed by clear skies and 65 degrees, think of how much your station could have saved. you'd be a hero in the eyes of the corporate executives. meanwhile,the ratings would be through the roof since your female viewers would want to be with me, while your male viewers would, naturally, want to be me. what does that add up to? more money for the station via increased ad revenues and thus, more "bang" for your buck.

in conclusion, i feel that i'd be a tremendous asset to the weather team and make the station even more financially successful that it already is. undoubtedly you seek a team player who can savagely butcher a forecast without hesitation or apprehension. simply stated, you're looking for me. please review my lack of qualifications and feel free to contact me at the phone number or email address listed atop my resume.

sincerely,

JY

The Cornfield: Don Ho

no, not nappy headed ho. "tiny bubbles" don ho passed away today at 76 years of age. yet another victim of heart disease. rest in peace, bra'.

Upon Further Review

....my performance review will only be about 2 weeks later than the stated date. which is also about 3 months later than originally expected. i will, however, be getting a raise before my review is even complete. only time (next payday) will tell how much i'm getting. suffice it to say it won't be nearly what i'm worth. but, hey, at least she's not the only one that kicks ass at her job.

i'm thinking that since my review is so late, i'll charge the company interest for every business day that it's late beyond the stated date. so, by my records, by the time it actually will occur, i'll be getting at least another 5k added on. that'll be nice...cuz i'm worth it. yeah, that'll work.

To Every Season...Turn the Channel!

i love ESPN. i love sports. it's common knowledge at this point that i'll watch most every sport, with a few notable exceptions. if i could only have 5 tv channels the rest of my life, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network would top the list. but lately, the worldwide leader has done some really annoying shit...like mix up the sports seasons.

look, it's april, okay? college basketball just ended, the nba is mercifully winding down, and the national pasttime is heating up (except in cleveland, where they got 10 inches of snow. ha ha.). so why does ESPN insist on scheduling NFL primetime every night? unless i missed something, i'm pretty certain that the last meaningful NFL game was played in february (no, the pro bowl doesn't count. it's a lame excuse for rich guys to get a free trip to hawaii. 'cause they really need it). so why the incessant coverage? sure, the draft is "exciting." but when this ridiculous coverage started, it was also more than a month away.

meanwhile, baseball's opening day got some dap. it got some tv coverage from the family of networks. and, of course, baseball tonight--the world's greatest show--premiered (why BBTN had to wait till opening day to premiere, while NFL primetime gets started 6 months early is beyond me). it used to be that each sport had a nightly recap show that got its own hour. NFL primetime, BBTN, NBA fastbreak and a few others (is NHL tonight still around?). this season, however, they cut the NBA and MLB shows to 40 minutes, and gave NFL primetime the leftover 40. what the hell?

this would make perfect sense if we were talking about the NFL Network. ya know, 'cause they kind of have to. the league's name is on the network for cripe's sake. but ESPN, the "worldwide leader in sports?" c'mon.

the NFL is all well and good. i like it (though i still prefer saturday football to sunday football. something about passion and pride just seems to win out for me over money), but for fuck's sake, if it's the offseason, limit your coverage to, oh here's a novel idea, breaking news! like when mike vick decides he can't wait to get home to smoke his weed and wants to carry some on the plane. or when one of my bengals gets arrested in an attempt to set some sort of world record. but the draft? how many different ways can you say that jamarcus russell has a great arm (not that it matters, the raiders will find a way to fuck him up)?

yeah, it's impressive russell can throw a ball 50 yards from his ass, or that brett far vrah is coming back for a 17th season and is going to break some records. but can't this wait till, oh, september when it actually matters? or better yet, right before it happens so we can enjoy the other "major" sports in the world?

there are no fewer than 4 ESPN channels (plus ABC on weekends). you'd think they could find SOME time during the week to cover the sports that are actually in season. novel idea, indeed.

Late Night Review: The Lookout

usually, "psychological thrillers" and charcter dramas are contrived, forced and utter rip-offs of their predecessors. they're often unimaginative, unoriginal and simply ordinary. the premise has been overdone, the plot poorly planned, the script uninspired, and the acting is something straight out of a collegiate drama course. the exception to the rule is "the lookout."

i'm not sure where to begin with a description that will do the film justice. jeff daniels will win an award of some sort for his supporting role--where he belongs. and his portrayal of his blind-man character who befriends a former high school star athlete (joseph gordon levitt) who'd suffered severe brain trauma in an auto accident is nothing short of stellar.

the characters' relationship isn't the standard mentor/pupil dynamic. it's a much deeper bond, a true friendship despite their difference in age and background. they look out for one another, and work together to overcome their various disabilities.

naive and lacking the mental capacity to see through the feaux friendship forged with bank heist ring leader, gary (matthew goode), levitt's "chris" gets caught up in a not-so-complex scheme to rob the bank for which he works.

throughout the film, levitt battles flashbacks of his accident, the frustrations of his handicaps, and often struggles with the need for instant gratification the wrong way vs. achieving long term goals the right way. goode's performance is so convincing and true, that it's easy to see how this dilemma becomes so pressing. he's everything a villain should be, but without the typical trappings directors add in to remind the audience he's the bad guy.

the violence is kept to a minimum. there aren't any explosions, and only a handful of gunshots. this is a near-perfect mix of character drama, crime/heist, and suspense. the plot and premise are unique and buck the trend of the high speed chases and large explosions usually associated with heist movies. the script is suspenseful and intense, but with spots of pure humor (provided by daniels, of course) thrown in and the acting all around gives depth to the characters--just as good acting should. "the lookout" is easily one of the best movies released in a long time, and now ranks alongside "the usual suspects" as one of my personal faves. critics give it two thumbs up and a few stars. i give it a solid "A."

March sadness brings April gladness

march madness is almost over. another year, another busted bracket. thanks arron afflalo for not heeding my plea not to suck. and thanks roy hibbert, acie law, and the entire oral roberts team for choking when i needed you the most.

ncaa tourney time is both the greatest, most disappointing, and then greatest again time of the year for me, speaking strictly in terms of sports. i love the excitement of the first two rounds, when cinderellas and wannabes step up to the big boys. some slay goliath (thanks VCU) and some come up juuuuust a bit short (seriously, hometown Xavier, how on earth do you blow a game like that?!?!). but as quickly as the buzz comes, it goes away, always waiting till next year when my bearcats remember that they're actually a D-1 basketball program. and just when march turns into sheer disappointment, i remember that april is lurking in the shadows, waiting to erase the sadness the previous month had brought.

for all intents and purposes, the college basketball season is over for me and now, so is the month of march. i really don't care who wins monday night. instead, my march bracket sadness is giving away to my april baseball gladness. my beloveds on the north side of chicago open the season tomorrow in the city of my birth, and for the next 7 months, i'll follow every win (few), loss (many) and injury (infinite) my team endures. i'll pray for rain when we're behind, an opposing injury when we're ahead, and for a miracle to reach the series. i'll tell everyone to wait till next year when, once again, we come up painfully short. i'll pick my b-team to root for in lieu of my boys in blue. and i'll get ready to do it all over again next april, once my march sadness has subsided.

oh yeah, the shield, sopranos and entourage all return this week too. welcome to april, the month of gladness.

Ya'll Hirin' n' Shit?

it's no secret i work in a less than high society environment. i work with some people with felonies on their records, GEDs as their high achievements in life, and other societal rejects that just needed (and sometimes actually deserved) a second chance. such is life in a call center.

make no mistake, my job is of an executive capacity. i'm not a telemarketer. i'm a glorified account manager, sometimes sales manager, and often times HR rep. beyond my principle duties of being the face and voice of the company to the outside world, i do it all. most of the managers there do a lot, but where they all have backup and some help, i have none. i'm alone. i'm an island unto myself.

as we continue to grow, adding new clients, booking more hours from existing ones, we need new employees. interviewing is one of my least favorite activities, but a necessary evil if you're in management and you actually want your company to succeed. what i've noticed since stepping up to help out with hiring is shocking and alarming to my good senses, and an affront to everything i learned in my business curriculum (i'd say "b-school," but that's a year off). to illustrate:

you'll recall the guy who foiled crimes in his spare time. he was but one example of many of how the lesser educated, or those from less fortunate circumstances, have been ill prepared for the challenges of life...like interviewing.

we got a call recently in response to an ad we'd placed in the local paper. the voice on the other end of the line asked, "are ya'll hirin' n' shit?" stunned, our receptionist asked him to repeat himself, unsure she'd heard correctly. she did. no, asshole, we're not hiring.

there was the lady i interviewed with a lazy eye, 3 teeth, and a runny nose. yes, her nose was running and she asked for a kleenex. i didn't have one, so she decided her sleeve would be an appropriate replacement....while i was asking her interview questions. of course, the official reason i didn't hire her was that she couldn't read. at all. and through it all, she managed to avoid breaking down in tears until the very end. bravo.

of course, what story would be complete without the stay at home single mom (seriously, how do you even do that? welfare can't pay that much) who hadn't worked in 8 years? her only work experience was fast food. when she was 17. in her words she "(i) is a good people person, wit good talkin' skills." the hallmark of any good salesperson, i presume.

one of today's 6 interviews may have taken the cake....the gang banger chick who hadn't worked in 3 years because she had some personal issues to tend to. i probed a bit to learn more. mistake. i was met with a barrage of "fuckin' niggas,"bitches," "shit, dawg" and other stereotypical 'hood slang. i thought she was joking. really, i did. i tried to hold in my laughter, but when she told me her skillz made her queen bitch at her last job, i lost it. and then she lost it...any chance at a job, that is. needless to say, i removed her from the office, once i caught my breath.

stories of employees behaving badly after they've been hired are abundant, and will be saved for a rainy day. if anything, interviewing these, er, social invalids has made me better appreciate my upbringing, my education, and the opportunities i've been afforded. welcome to life in an urban call center. i can't wait till grad school comes to rescue me. dawg.

I'm Torn

so, another birthday has come and gone. no matter. i'm getting older and i no longer feel the need to celebrate multiple days for the occasion like i had in during my collegiate years. i no longer ask for many presents (some people will confirm that i've never been one who particularly likes gifts, but this year i did want a pony to fulfill a lifelong dream). and so, i've settled into my birthday routine, my annual groove if you will. people who care know the date. people who pay attention know to either not get me anything at all or keep it super simple.

i, however, didn't follow the rules and bought myself an expensive entry level mountain bike. my body, not to be outdone, presented me this year with a torn ankle ligament and frays of 2 other tendons shortly after this purchase. talk about going all out! multiple 100s of dollars on a bike and a couple thou on xrays and MRIs. now THAT'S a celebration. i also got a very fashionable boot, one that would make GPG both jealous and insecure of her own collection of footwear, and alot of sympathy...from women. i like it.

and to think, i haven't even hit the vaunted 30 year mark yet. lord knows what that birthday will hold. thankfully, i have 2 years to worry about it...and a shit ton of vicodin to ease the anguish of the thought.

The Riches, A First Look

...in 100 words or less

creepy, dark, dramatic. 2 british actors, 2 american accents. minnie driver. southern drawl. Weird. Strung out, alcoholic. Nervous, worrysome, moody. plays her part to the hilt. eddie izzard. my comedic hero. not funny, witty. mysterious, smooth, cunning, wanting the best for his family. no remorse, no regret, no plan. just vision.

son #1, white trash. son #2, older white trash. Daughter, sense of morality, but goes with the flow. Wait till age 18. Family background, gypsy and hillbilly mix. Wanderers.

Premise unique. Interesting. Original. Script average. Acting, superb. Intriguing show, not great. Entertaining. Watch next week. Grade: B-

98 words. not bad. next week, we'll focus on constructing complete sentences. g'nite.

Look it up

i opened my front door today and found a stack of new phone books. yippee! i don't use the local telecommunications giant's services, but i commend them on the gesture. but seriously, is it absolutely necessary to deliver 4 phone books to a 1 bedroom apartment? even i can't lose that many things.

since al gore invented the internet web machine a number of years back, the phone book has become virtually obsolete. i should call the phone company and tell them i don't need any more books. anyone have their number?

Inspiration

with march madness in full effect, i sometimes reflect on the impact of certain athletes and personalities on my life or on society in general. i think the most inspirational sports figure in a generation wasn't an athlete, but a coach.

it's been 14 years, but i believe this is the best speech given in my lifetime regarding any topic, given by anyone, anywhere. enjoy, your moment of zen. (thanks JStew).


Jim Valvano's Espy Speech

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Trust Me, I'm a Doctor

i'm not sure why i bother taking off work to go to the doctor anymore. what i should be doing is simply calling to schedule the most expensive tests i can find, which is essentially the end result of nearly every visit i've had in the past year. case in point, this morning's appointment:

dr: how are you?

me: well, i'm here, right?

dr: good point. so what's up?

me: (explanation).

dr: (bunch of questions to which he already has the answers, such as what medications i'm on. ya know, the ones HE PRESCRIBED TO ME.)

me: it hasn't gotten any worse, so i wasn't really worried. (insert something about better to be safe than sorry).

dr: yeah, better to be safe than sorry.

Me: (thinking): right, i just said that. thanks, dr. echo.

me: so, what's going on?

dr: could be anything really.

me: no shit.

dr: i think we'll need to do some tests to be sure. we can't keep running you through nuclear tests, 'cause they add up (not to mention i'll start to glow eventually). here are your options: test 1 will cost a few fingers. test 2 will cost an arm. test 3 will cost an arm and part of a leg, but it's the only way to really tell what's going on. it'll also involve a hospital stay of about 2 days. i know you've been shying away from test 3, which is okay, it's just not the course i would take.

me: (of course you'd go a different way, you make 5x's the salary i do). right, i think i'll avoid test 3 again. so, how 'bout i try taking _____ instead for a bit and see how that works?

dr: okay, that's a good thought for the next few days. i'm scheduling you for test 1 and for test 4, which i never told you about. after that, i'll probably prescribe you another medication which, unfortunately, doesn't have a generic (i.e. costs more than my mortgage). so, schedule that with the admin and i'll see you in a few weeks.

me: um, great.

RECAP: my suggestions were all good. doctor doesn't know. scheduled for really fucking expensive tests that will probably show that there's nothing wrong. he's the doctor, i'm broke. groovy.

Vigilante

it's funny how hypervigilant and overly sensitive you become once you've experienced a life-altering trauma. people who've been critically injured in car accidents are certainly more aware than most of us where the trucks, other cars, and potential dangers lie. gun shot victims are equally likely to know exact blocks of streets and parts of neighborhoods to avoid.

heart attack survivors are no different. so, as this discomfort in my chest has continued, i called my doctor this morning. i noticed this feeling a few days ago, but armed with the memory of how the first go around felt, i decided this probably wasn't much to worry about. hell, i climbed a mountain and went to the gym yesterday and actually felt better while doing both than i have while being completely sedentary.

the discomfort has persisted for about 5 days now. i called the nurse, she asked some questions and agreed after my answers that this probably wasn't anything to be alarmed about. nevertheless, the old saying "better safe than sorry" is applicable. i'll be heading to the dr. office tomorrow morning, anticipating paying an ungodly amount of money only find out i have a deep muscular strain or some sort of infection. oh well, better those than a faulty ticker.

the last few days, my attention has been completely divided between whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing and whatever sensation i'm feeling in my chest at the moment. had the discomfort intensified, i'd know (based on previous experience, thus certifying me as an expert) that'd i'd surely be in trouble. but it hasn't. it's almost like indigestion in my chest and it's more annoying than it is painful. regardless, it's high time i found out what's going on. at the very least, for my own sanity. it's quite unnerving being at the gym wondering with half a brain if my next rep may be my last. obviously i'm a bit more positive than that right now. but hey, a dead me doesn't do anyone any good. updates to follow.

Spring Fling

my overall mood is about to change. i may very well have permagrin until october. why? spring is in the air. sure, it's supposed to snow AGAIN here in 5280 this weekend, but the rituals of spring are undeniably underway. of course i'm talking about baseball spring training, and a season of renewed hope for my beloveds on the north side.

cubs opening day is a mere 37 days away (but who's counting...oh, i am. ) and i couldn't be happier. this is easily my favorite time of year, when the boys of summer come in to save us from the doldrums of winter, to fill the january/february void left by the gridiron gladiators. certainly college basketball does an admirable job, but baseball is a 9 month obsession for some of us, and the one constant in life from february to early november.

though i'm a die-hard cub fan, i'll not be in cincinnati this year for opening day, nor in chicago for the home opener. i'll be watching on tv...most likely from the lodo launching pad, a.k.a. coors field. no, i'm not a full blown rockies fan, but it's baseball. at least for opening day, the name on the front of the jersey isn't as important as simply being in the park, hearing the phrase "play ball."

oh, i'm also taking bets on how mark prior gets injured this year.

Snowy Logic

only a few months after 3 experienced climbers died on the same mountain, 3 climbers in a party of 8 were rescued when the fell off a ledge on oregon's mt. hood. while i'm sure the families are thankful (and so am i that we don't have to read about how tragic this event was for months down the line), this really begs the question, "why do people keep trying to climb this mountain in the middle of the winter?!"

mountains are geological and topographical marvels that have been around for millenia, epochs, or even eons. why, then, can't these people just wait till summer to climb the damned thing? i'd bet money on the odds that the mountain is still there come july.

I'm Sorry...This Time I Mean It

when's the best possible time to just shut up? how 'bout after you make an anti-gay remark, then apologize, and then apologize again because you didn't "mean" to say the remark in the first place.

case in point: former NBA star, tim hardaway, he of the famous "killer crossover," told dan lebatard, in response to john amaechi's recent announcement he's gay, on his radio show that he hates gay people and would never want a gay teammate. it's certainly no shock that homophobia is rampant in the NBA, but it's flooring that someone would come straight out and say that he hates gay people.

but, in typical pathetic/contrived-athlete-apology fashion, hardaway said last week that he was sorry he said what he did, and that he shouldn't have said anything at all. only a week later--after the NBA all-star game from which he was banned, hardaway told a miami television station that he didn't "mean" to use the word 'hate.' right, just like reverend ted didn't mean to hook up with a male prostitute and buy meth. hardaway at least should have been smart enough to follow the current PR trend---when you fuck up, tell everyone you're an alcoholic and seek counseling.

it's funny how pertinent that whole everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten thing really is. hardaway would have done well to remember a simple rule we all learned when we were young: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all--and mean it.

Fig Newton

let me start with an admission: i've never been to las vegas. someday i'll go. but in my almost 28 years on earth, i've yet to have the opportunity, means, or real desire to go. but, i do know a few things about vegas: what happens there tends to stay there and they want a professional sports team at some point to legitimize the city.

i've also noticed that mr. las vegas, wayne newton, can't sing for shit. you want a pro sports team? you want to be a real city rather than a freak show/distraction town? then find someone more culturally relevant than wayne newton. it would also help if that person could sing better than the drunkards at the karaoke lounge down the street or a coked-out buddy israel. i hear britney's not busy these days.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore

evolution, creationsism, intelligent design...now evolution again. the kansas board of education, most famous for its part in brown v. ks board of ed. (1954), has repealed the public school guidelines for teaching intelligent design that brought about intense ridicule 2 years ago. obviously, this decision has really pissed off the religious right, which is reason enough for me to support the decision (aside from the fact that intelligent design is just dumb).

but with flip flopping of such epic proportions (the 4th change in guidelines in 8 years), i'm both amazed and thankful that national elections somehow haven't been decided (yet) by the kansas vote. at least the excuses in ohio and florida for ruining the country, fraud and old people, are more plausible than simple indecision. good grief.

Katrina and the Waves

not to kick a man while he's lying under a pile of rubble, but some of those hardest hit by hurricane katrina in 2005 got slammed by what appears to be a tornado. as expected, the twister hit a trailer park near new orleans...which happened to be populated by FEMA trailers.

at some point, don't you just have to think maybe it's time to move?