To the rescue!

when you pay near-slave wages, you tend to attract--how shall we say--lower-rung talent. but often, these people have the best stories. or weirdest, in this case.

an older gentleman (term used loosely) came into our office to fill out an application and to interview. we're in the middle of a hiring frenzy on the heels of securing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with a certain fortune 200 satellite tv provider, and we need all the help we can get. well, almost.

for some odd reason or another, i was pulled into the interview along with the sales manager. before we even get started, the man asks, "how long are your breaks?" looking over the application, we notice that the guy has had 3 jobs recently...all in the last month. the stage was set for the all-time weirdest and worst interview.

sales manager (SM): what happened at these jobs that you had 3 in the same month?
APPLICANT: the break times weren't long enough. one of those jobs wanted me to work 3 hours in a row and then take a 15 minute break. that's like a sweatshop!

sadly, he was unaware that the law only requires a 15 minute break every 4 hours. we continue...

APP: do you guys get a lunch break?
SM: well, the way our schedule works now, we do on the day shift.
APP: oh, what about the evening shift? do they get a lunch too?
SM: presently, no. but we'll be changing our schedule shortly to include a lunch.
APP: okay, one more question. i'm a smoker. if i get really stressed out and need an extra cigarette, will you let me have an extra smoke break?
SM: well, for my top reps i tend to be more lenient with things like that. if you're performing really well, then i try to accomodate a few extra needs here and there. nothing excessive though.
APP: right, i understand.

to this point, the guy is a complete joke and a waste of my time. until this gem of an exchange. here's where it got fun/interesting/confusing/scary/entertaining....

SM: i see that you have some activity on your background (criminal). what can you tell me about that?"
APP: (hereafter referred to as "vigilante" or "hero"): yeah, let me explain that. you see, it's all a big misunderstanding. what i do is actually foil crimes (yes, he really said 'foil'). back in the 80s i was arrested in connection with a bank robbery. i knew the guys that were involved and was with them when they went to the bank. but what they didn't know was that i was planning on double-crossing them and holding them there till the cops showed up to arrest them. but the cops showed up early and thought i was in on the robbery.
Me: i see. so you were trying to prevent the crime from happening.
Hero: yes, i was trying to foil the crime. that's what i do.
SM: uh huh.

after the shock had worn off from this completely unexpected disclosure, SM and i decided to have a bit more fun with the applicant, knowing there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell the guy would be hired here...or anywhere for that matter.

Me: okay, if you could have your choice of any job, what would it be? it doesn't even have to be a real job. just tell me what your dream job is.
Vigilante: i'd be county safety commissioner
Me: seriously? why?
Vigilante: well, i went to see the saftey commissioner recently. had a 30 minute sit-down with the guy.
Me: why?
Vigilante: well, with all the hooligans running around these days, i think everyone should have a gun to protect themselves. and with my background, i couldn't get approved for a gun. so i went to the commissioner to ask him to grant me a license for a concealed weapon. i mean, i need it not only to protect myself, but also to help foil crimes. he turned me down. and he was a complete asshole.
Me: i'm sure he was.

SM: okay, mr. ___ do you have any other questions for me?
Hero: not really. just wanted to make sure of the breaks and lunch thing.
SM: okay, well, we'll be calling your references and will get back to you if we think there's a match.
Hero: how long will that take?
SM: a few days probably.
Hero: a few days? why dont' you just call them now? you can call them right now, i'll listen to you.
SM: i'm actually pretty busy. so it'll take a few days.
Hero: that's ridiculous. you shouldn't call my job references. they'll say some bad things about me. they didn't know me very well.
SM: i'm guessing they didn't know you very well because you were there less than a week?
Hero: no, they're just all assholes. you should call my personal references instead. go ahead and do it now. call them!
SM: no. we'll be in touch. thanks for coming in.

this was a real occurrence, a true story. i defy ANYONE to re-create a worse (yet more entertaining) interview story. if you can, tell me later...i need a break.