Walker, Texas Stranger

today is january 26, 2007. today, i received the jolt of my life, a shock so pulsing, i may never fully recover.

while lounging around after work, i was partaking in that favorite american pasttime: channel surfing. lifetime, weather channel, fox "news." yes, i stopped on fox news because as i was flipping, i saw a sight so bizarre, i had to stop and watch...just to make sure i hadn't lost my mind.

chuck norris--yes THAT chuck norris--walker, texas ranger, was sitting in for sean hannity on "hannity and colmes." at first i thought he was a panelist of some sort. but upon further inspection, reverend roundhouse was actually playing the role of hannity, opposite the "liberal" alan colmes.

i really don't know what more i can say about this occurrence. i'm flabbergasted. i knew the first man of fist was a conservative, but it takes a special kind of conservative to acquaint himself with fox "news." there must be some sort of "top 10" for this sort of thing, right?

Crumbling Facade

fa·çade, n. f., An artificial or deceptive front.

undoubtedly a word created by a woman (a french one, at that. they're rotten bastards those french) to hide her lying, evil self. most psychologists, feminists, communication theorists, and other ists of the world believe that men have more difficulty expressing their emotions. realists, however, (and maybe cheauvanists too) understand the opposite to be true.

while they may not have all the requisite skills for formulating the actual sentences to articulately convey their feelings, most men see the world in absolutes--black and white--and will at least attempt to get their points across directly. women, on the other hand, have the stronger propensity for verbal communication, and often disguise their true emotions and message with words that are incongrous to their actions. thus, i've concluded that they have the greater difficulty in effectively expressing emotion because connivery and deception are far more devious and hurtful than simple stupidity. in this case, the ignorance of men is actually an excuse.

i won't get into the details of the event that brought about this theory, but i know this scenario to be true first hand. just know that it was a situation that involved me, a male, and a female, and in which my attempts to express my emotions and feelings toward and for this person were met with lies and deceipt, and ended in hurt.

sure, it's a theory born out of bias, emotional scarring, and limited communicative abilities, but it perfectly summarizes and captures my frame of mind immediately following such deception. eventually i'll calm down. eventually i'll get passed it and move on. and eventually, like all false fronts, hers will crumble and leave her bare self exposed and vulnerable, as it should have been from the beginning.

Super Blah

dear peyton manning,

this letter is to inform you that i despise both you and your douche bag brother, eli. i am truly incensed that you will be participating in the super bowl. i hope that your limbs are systematically removed from your torso with a surgeon's precision by the bears' defense. please don't take this wish personally. i just hate you.

JY

PS. you are very lucky that the saints didn't make it. otherwise, everyone in the country would be hating you about this much right now because you would be seen as having stood in the way of destiny.

PPS. this year's super bowl will be boring. i will not watch. i will watch the highlights and post game interviews to see if your arms and legs are still attached. if they are, i will turn off the tv. if they aren't, i will promptly be setting up a psychic hotline and cashing in on my newfound powers of fortune telling.

I have a date!

GASP! this would be shocking news to many if "date" were referent to me spending time with a special female. but, that's not the type of date i'm talking about. by wednesday afternoon, i will officially be registered with GMAC and will have a date with the 4 hour whore known as GMAT.

for months i've been haphazardly "studying" and preparing for this mini mind marathon, with only "april or may" as my target date. may 4, 2007 is my day of reckoning. such definition both excites and scares me. i'm excited that by 1pm on said date, i'll have an idea of which, if any, MBA programs i'll have a fighting shot of getting into. i'm scared shitless because i took my first full length practice exam today and didn't do as well as i'd hoped (though i'm still not sure how to calculate my raw score. those damn guide books teach you everything except how to calculate how you did. weird.).

i now have a defined timeframe within which to work, meaning i have to plan out a schedule for the next 3.5 months to maximize my study time. for anyone that really knows me, planning isn't my strong suit. this could get interesting. nevertheless, once i figure out how to score my sample exams, i'll be able to start narrowing my "to apply" list down, since it seems to accrue more names daily (and because i can't blow my life's savings on applications!). i'd be doing myself a great disservice if i didn't cover all my bases, so feel free to recommend reputable schools as you wish, or provide any first-hand feedback on any of these programs you may have. also, keep in mind that the schools listed here range from "i can probably get in pretty easily" to "it may take a miracle and the stars to perfectly align for me to have an outside shot of getting in." man, i can't wait to be called "student" again.

Apply to:

university of denver--daniels
university of colorado--leeds
indiana university--kelley
university of washington (seattle)--UW business school
university of pittsburgh--katz
university of south carolina--darla moore
university of michigan--ross**
columbia university--columbia business school**
georgetown university--mcdonough**

**indicates "dream schools," where an unattainable GMAT score may be required for admission.

Hopped up on caffeine, a nightly recap

i'm antsy. i'm mentally worn out. and i'm hopped up on caffeine and can't sleep. i figured a random post may help push me toward sleep. so, with all apologies to the queen of lists, here is a short recap of my afternoon and evening...by the numbers.

1/2 a football game watched
1 apartment cleaned (completely half-assed)
2 rambunctious pups excited by a new visitor
10 combined walks for said pups
1 lunch date with an acquaintance/friend who should be more
$15 for said lunch (nice and cheap!)
1 phone call from work asking me to come in and help move
1 promise to do it tomorrow instead
2 showers
1 visit to the local bookstore/coffee shop
4 hours studying for the vaunted GMAT
325 sample questions attempted
297 answers correct
15 sighs of frustration
10 minutes spent doubting why i'm taking this fucking exam
36 ounces of pseudo espresso
1 realization that it's still a shit ton of caffeine
1 fattening baked good from said coffee shop
1,523 distractions
7 text messages included in said distractions
140 songs on the ipod to help keep focus
1 dead battery
12 glances at my books to see what i was reading/studying
1 conversation with a random arabian guy detailing the admissions standards of certain b-schools.
62 high school-aged kids bumping into my table as they passed
0 apologies...inconsiderate little shits

nope, still not tired. damnit.

Lead Story

an open letter to Fox 31 (local news, denver):

dear FOX 31,

you've done it! you've officially passed your corporate parent as the greatest sham in news media today, a feat previously thought impossible by, well, everyone!

i watched 18 minutes of your 35 minute 9pm newscast. so far here is your lineup:
-tease: weather
-lead story: weather
-on location report: bad roads
-tease: forecast
-story: retail sales

out of curiosity, do you think anything may be missing? at the time of this writing, the date is december 29, 2006 at approximately 9:30pm MST(who knows when i'll finish). maybe you've heard by now that there was a fairly significant world event going on somewhere in the middle east. something to do with the execution of a murderous tyrant at 10pm eastern time....a FULL HOUR BEFORE YOUR BROADCAST.

7 inches. 7. fucking. inches. you led off your 9pm broadcast with coverage of the "holiday blizzard, round 2," more appropriately named "the blizzard that wasn't." (aside: where the hell did all this snow come from? this isn't fucking north dakota. can we please get back to a regular colorado winter? i really miss my 50 degree high temps and bright sunshine) yet, you buried a little nugget of worldy information in your news rundown so far down in your shot sheet, that i actually found out about it from another tv station....that doesn't hit the air with its broadcast for another 30 minutes! and following it up with a gem like, "before we get to the weather, we have some other news to report," is either a hint of a twisted sense of humor beyond my comprehension, or an aversion to doing your job that merits a similar qualification.

the fact that you have the earliest broadcast timeslot but were the last to report saddam hussein's execution (yes, the abc, nbc, and cbs affiliates all broke into their regular programming to let us know about this) concerns me gravely about your priorities. your accountability to your viewers is to provide us with all the news--local, national, and global--relevant to our lives. AND, this is a big one, AND you're supposed to list the stories in order of importance. did they not teach that at the ohio school of broadcasting, pueblo campus?

i've long lambasted your parent company for being the single most biased "news" source on the face of the planet. but hell, at least they report some version of the news. saddam is dead, you tell me about the weather. genocide in darfur, you give me britney's cooch followed by highlights of bronco's practice (yes, seriously, practice). what, pray tell, will you cover in case of a nuclear holocaust, groundhog day? i wasn't aware that news corp. had purchased the syndication rights to "inside edition." let's tune into abc 7 news at 10pm to see what else you've missed. disgraceful.

sincerely and disgustedly yours,

mr. misinformed

To Catch a Basic Instinct

with all apologies to the legendary jerry seinfeld, WHAT is the deal with these hidden camera shows on the major networks? "to catch a predator," "basic instinct," and some as yet unknown knock off that fox will come out with 6 months from now are on EVERY week.

sure, it started out as an idea novel to the "news" industry. but with the expansion of the news magazine show format (thanks 60 minutes for getting us started, and thanks "primetime" for setting the bar so. fucking. low.), these shows are going the way of the sitcom: unoriginal and overexposed.

the first time i saw a bunch of hilljack dudes from georgia getting arrested after driving 3 hours to meet who they thought was a 13 year-old girl was very, very disturbing. 3 or 4 in the first show was shocking; shocking to know that pedophelia (or whatever the appropriate term is regarding early adolescents) is perpetrated by guys my age that look, at the very least, normal, and shocking to know that it's so prevalent. naturally, the shock value has all but disappeared once a viewer gets to the point where he knows exactly what's going to by said and how the whole thing will play out.

what does continue to amaze me, however, is that the producers seem to think they can pull a fast one on me with doozies like, "...but john doe is in for an even bigger surprise...", as if i've managed to forget the 60 guys that have been arrested on camera over the past 2 months.

sometimes networks need to know when enough is enough. and of course i'm directing this at MTV for the "real" world (and road rules), CBS (for CSI vegas, nyc, miami, anchorage, and branson), NBC for law and order, and fox for whatever shit they decide to put on next (simpsons, family guy excluded).

look, networks, we get it. when you have a successful show, you can duplicate and replicate it many times in a year, make a few extra bucks and set the advertising market for the following year. and then you wonder why your shows take a dive after 4 years. they become too predictable, at which point you, predictably, take the plots completely over the top, thereby alienating anyone that was once a fan. and then your show is shot and you cancel it. so please, network executives, do us all a favor and limit your hidden camera tricks to a once in a while special rather than a weekly series. 'cause if you keep it up, the only thing you're going to catch is the elevator to the ground floor after you've been fired for failing to produce sustainable results.

This Date in History - 1 Year Ago Today

1 year ago today i nearly died. 1 year later, i'm still here. still standing.

fuck you, death. you're a failure. you're terrible at your job. find someone else to pick on. you've tried twice with me and you've failed. and now i'm armed with pills, doctors, and a new lifestyle. good luck getting to me again.

you. can't. beat. me.

Part 2: This Date in History - The Greatest Fight Ever Fought

i've always considered myself an athlete. as such, on the 1 year anniversary of my new lease on life, i decided to portray my struggles as if i were a professional athlete. it may be stupid to some, but it's moderately cathartic to me. so, anyone that doesn't like it can eat my ass. i'll provide the spoon.

From the AP Newswire - Denver, CO

it's the greatest matchup never recorded in the annals of modern competition. 1 year ago today, there was an epic struggle between the traditional world powerhouse, death, and a little-known upstart, JY.

the low profile tussle was actually a rematch of the pair's first encounter years back, when death struck the first blow in the rivalry--serving JY with a vicious accident involving a semi truck and a jeep wrangler on a slippery, inundated roadway. JY walked away from the accident merely with two broken ribs and with a narrow victory.

the memory of this defeat stuck with death and served as motivation for his re-ascent to the top of the polls. after a short rebuilding program, death seemed stronger than ever and poised to make his mark and return to his previous glory, which he'd hoped to reclaim on december 22, 2005.

JY, fresh off a newly-introduced training regimen, had regained the form that had once lifted him to the top of the amateur ranks. though the training had given him the physical strength to compete, JY lacked the readiness and preparation needed for a successful fight.

the bell rang and death came out swinging, landing dull aches in JY's collarbone area. by round two, JY was unable to adapt and death continued to pummel his weaker opponent with flurries of shortness of breath and intense and explosive chest pain. the fight looked to be over by round three, when death knocked JY down, leaving him nearly unconscious and with no feeling in either arm.

the doctor's in JY's corner quickly came to their fighter's aid, inserting a stent through a catheder and prescribing numerous drugs, all without the referee's consent. JY was back on his feet in relatively short order and ready to resume. but the referee was not convinced and suspended the bout, which has yet to be continued.

the rivalry is intense. and when it continues at a later date, JY will hold a nearly insurmountable 2-0 advantage. but death is accustomed to playing from behind and has countless times in the past year come back from seemingly impossible deficits to win. many opponents have underestimated death's power and reach. rest assured, JY's trainers and doctors will have their fighter primed and ready to roll when fight continues.

for more information about this event, visit: www.americanheart.org

I McHate You

so, mcdonald's was founded way back when in the 50's, and throughout its history has had many creative ad campaigns incorporating the "mc" into made up words and menu items. mcnuggets, mcrib, mcgriddle. the list goes on. it was cute, it was appropriate. it was played out and eventually ended--mercifully.

but "mc" has made a comeback, and it's not mcd's that's perpetrating the horror. no, it's every female between the ages of 15 and 45 who's obsessed with abc's hit show grey's anatomy. i'll admit, i've seen a few episodes, and despite the overly dramatized goings on of the show's characters, it was moderately enjoyable. while channel surfing last week, i stopped on "grey's" and lo and behold, the female characters had nicknamed some male doctors "mcdreamy" and "mcsteamy." i was petrified. and nauseated.

what was surely intended as a clever, witty line while writers brainstormed in the writer's room has become a phenomenon. it's present in office banter, personal ads (hey, when you're bored at work, craigslist is a kick-ass way to kill some time), and in everyday conversation on the street. why? why is it so funny, clever and witty that now everything extremely good or exceptionally bad must be "mc"something?!

we knew long ago that american society had fallen on hard times. blame mtv, blame the "liberal" media. blame them all for gen x and gen y (originality not gen y's strong suit, it seems) not giving a rat's ass about politics, current events, or anything going on outside their cozy cocoon. but did anyone forsee the total collapse of independent thought, originality, and even our language? moreso, could anyone have predicted that a tv show could fell them? ugh.

sure, i steal the occasional catchphrase from a show or song every now and again. but i'm still fully capable of using real words when necessary, even most of the time one may say. i realize that sooner or later the fad will fade, just like the boy band craze of the late 90's (man was i happy to see n'suck and their ilk fade to oblivion). but in the meantime, please, please, please lay off the "mc"adjectives just a little bit and speak english. at least pretend you're still your own person and that your life isn't completely consumed by an hour-long fictional "drama." god, i mchate grey's anatomy!

Previously on...

it appears as though the shield, one of my all time favorite shows, will be returning shortly. so too are there grumblings about the sopranos and (allegedly) the second half of the split season of the greatest man show ever created, entourage. and now i'm concerned.

with last night's promo of the return of the shield on FX, it occured to me that both FX and HBO need to hire more qualified production staffers. preferably some who understand that the definition of hiatus is "a short break or interruption." not a fucking wrinkle in time.

the breaks between seasons are so long that i often have to confer with friends at the beginning of one just to be able to piece together what happened at the end of the other. and the production crew feels they're doing me such a great service by giving me a 10-second recap that starts out, "previously on the shield." and instead of giving me a chronological recap, they do it picasso-style; a piece here, a piece there, leave some to the imagination. why should i be recreating the story? didn't you write it? what's more is that certain shows (i'm looking at you nip/tuck) can't even recap just one season! no, they have to throw in additional backstory from 2 or sometimes 3 seasons ago just to make it that much more confusing.

so, here's the scoop FX and HBO, either cut your hiatus time to somewhere between a month and a light year, or take an additional 3 minutes (hey you can do it at the end of a season, why not at the beginning?) and actually remind me of why the hell i tuned in in the first place. oh, and one other thing, this is for FX in particular, can you PLEASE cut back on the quality of your shows too? you're really beginning to cut into my sleep time on tuesday nights with shield, nip/tuck, rescue me, thief and (coming soon) the riches all showing that night throughout the year. wednesday hates you!

that's a wrap!

Viral Love

dear cold or flu virus,

flirting is nice. it's even "cute" by some standards. but for christ's sake, at some point, you have to have the cojones to actually make a move on me. for weeks now you've been tantalizing me with tokens of your affection; a sore throat here, a mild fever there. it's very sweet and i certainly appreciate the gestures, but this passive-agressive thing you've got going on is really growing old.

your friends were never like this when i'd hooked up with them in the past. they were the "take-charge" kind of viruses. ya know, the ones that would bed me without the courtesy of so much buying me a drink first. they were the alpha viruses to your beta. i realize now that i really need someone like that in my life to get me sick.

what is it that makes you like this, that you can't commit? did you have a bad relationship with another infectee in the past? was he abusive? did he go overboard with the cold medicines? what could he have possibly done to make you so apprehensive, so tentative?

sure, you've made some progress over the past few weeks. i was really impressed that you caused me to leave work early today on account of a 1-2 punch i didn't see coming. but it's not enough. really, it's not. i need more from a virus.

so, i'm giving you an ultimatum: either go ahead and actually get me sick like a real virus would, or get out of my life for good. i really can't handle the vascillation. it's irritating, it's confusing, and it's a bit hurtful to feel as though you don't care enough about me to give me your all. i know it's short notice, but i can only give you till tomorrow morning to make your decision. at that time, i'll be up and at 'em, getting ready for work, complete with a full slate of interviews and client meetings. in short, i NEED to know.

if it turns out that you simply can't commit to me, i'll understand. and i'll wish you the best of luck in your future relationships. but, if you decide this is what you really want, you'll know where to find me.

always with love,

JY

To the rescue!

when you pay near-slave wages, you tend to attract--how shall we say--lower-rung talent. but often, these people have the best stories. or weirdest, in this case.

an older gentleman (term used loosely) came into our office to fill out an application and to interview. we're in the middle of a hiring frenzy on the heels of securing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with a certain fortune 200 satellite tv provider, and we need all the help we can get. well, almost.

for some odd reason or another, i was pulled into the interview along with the sales manager. before we even get started, the man asks, "how long are your breaks?" looking over the application, we notice that the guy has had 3 jobs recently...all in the last month. the stage was set for the all-time weirdest and worst interview.

sales manager (SM): what happened at these jobs that you had 3 in the same month?
APPLICANT: the break times weren't long enough. one of those jobs wanted me to work 3 hours in a row and then take a 15 minute break. that's like a sweatshop!

sadly, he was unaware that the law only requires a 15 minute break every 4 hours. we continue...

APP: do you guys get a lunch break?
SM: well, the way our schedule works now, we do on the day shift.
APP: oh, what about the evening shift? do they get a lunch too?
SM: presently, no. but we'll be changing our schedule shortly to include a lunch.
APP: okay, one more question. i'm a smoker. if i get really stressed out and need an extra cigarette, will you let me have an extra smoke break?
SM: well, for my top reps i tend to be more lenient with things like that. if you're performing really well, then i try to accomodate a few extra needs here and there. nothing excessive though.
APP: right, i understand.

to this point, the guy is a complete joke and a waste of my time. until this gem of an exchange. here's where it got fun/interesting/confusing/scary/entertaining....

SM: i see that you have some activity on your background (criminal). what can you tell me about that?"
APP: (hereafter referred to as "vigilante" or "hero"): yeah, let me explain that. you see, it's all a big misunderstanding. what i do is actually foil crimes (yes, he really said 'foil'). back in the 80s i was arrested in connection with a bank robbery. i knew the guys that were involved and was with them when they went to the bank. but what they didn't know was that i was planning on double-crossing them and holding them there till the cops showed up to arrest them. but the cops showed up early and thought i was in on the robbery.
Me: i see. so you were trying to prevent the crime from happening.
Hero: yes, i was trying to foil the crime. that's what i do.
SM: uh huh.

after the shock had worn off from this completely unexpected disclosure, SM and i decided to have a bit more fun with the applicant, knowing there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell the guy would be hired here...or anywhere for that matter.

Me: okay, if you could have your choice of any job, what would it be? it doesn't even have to be a real job. just tell me what your dream job is.
Vigilante: i'd be county safety commissioner
Me: seriously? why?
Vigilante: well, i went to see the saftey commissioner recently. had a 30 minute sit-down with the guy.
Me: why?
Vigilante: well, with all the hooligans running around these days, i think everyone should have a gun to protect themselves. and with my background, i couldn't get approved for a gun. so i went to the commissioner to ask him to grant me a license for a concealed weapon. i mean, i need it not only to protect myself, but also to help foil crimes. he turned me down. and he was a complete asshole.
Me: i'm sure he was.

SM: okay, mr. ___ do you have any other questions for me?
Hero: not really. just wanted to make sure of the breaks and lunch thing.
SM: okay, well, we'll be calling your references and will get back to you if we think there's a match.
Hero: how long will that take?
SM: a few days probably.
Hero: a few days? why dont' you just call them now? you can call them right now, i'll listen to you.
SM: i'm actually pretty busy. so it'll take a few days.
Hero: that's ridiculous. you shouldn't call my job references. they'll say some bad things about me. they didn't know me very well.
SM: i'm guessing they didn't know you very well because you were there less than a week?
Hero: no, they're just all assholes. you should call my personal references instead. go ahead and do it now. call them!
SM: no. we'll be in touch. thanks for coming in.

this was a real occurrence, a true story. i defy ANYONE to re-create a worse (yet more entertaining) interview story. if you can, tell me later...i need a break.

Giving Back Feels Good...Sort of

an old lady. a 40-something blonde (beautiful) woman. a 20-something skinny girl. me. these are the heart disease survivors in attendance at the american heart association logistics committee meeting tonight. it was shocking to see such an array of people from differing backgrounds gathering in the same place for a common cause.

i'm not the volunteering type. never have been. tonight, however, i was selected as the sponsorship chairman for the 2007 denver heartwalk, my first foray into volunteering. though the responsibilities of my appointed chair are great, i'm actually looking forward to blasting expectations out of the water. it's an odd feeling for me, being passionate about something that doesn't directly benefit my wallet, but i'm confident the sense of dedication to the mission i felt tonight will carry through the event.

the meeting was informational at the very least, but i often found myself tuning out the conversations and falling into mini-flashbacks of my own experience. i wasn't so much focused on the event itself so much as all the emotions i've supressed since then in an effort to move on. i thought i'd done enough emotionally to completely put it past me. but hearing stories during our introductions of people having 2 valves replaced, a stroke, and 4 bypasses brought all the sentimentality rushing back.

with a lump in my throat for the duration of the hour and a half session, i listened as intently as i could as the coordinators and directors spoke of the new direction heartwalk was taking this year, as directed by AHA (american heart association). i was minimally excited, but largely inspired. it was an emotion i'd yet to truly experience in my life. and yet, i was being inspired only by the volunteers and the people whose jobs are solely to facilitate this event and nothing else. if such inspiration was to be had from merely sitting at a table with these people, i can only imagine the overwhelming sentinment that will be present june 2, 2007 as 8,000 people take to the streets to raise money for the treatment, education and prevention of heart disease--as i did last summer.

17 short days from now will mark the 1-year anniversary of my heart attack. i have no idea what my mood, thoughts and feelings will be that day. but if tonight was any indication, it'll likely be filled with tears, reflection, thanks, and hope. and through the wall of tears i'll finally see what this whole "making a difference and giving back" thing is all about. sigh.

Yeah, Baby!

i have no words to describe how disturbing and bizarre this case is. it happened last year, but the jurisprudence has finished. see and judge for yourself.

I know you did it, just admit

i'd begun to write a very lengthy post about my disgust for both o.j. simpson and his publisher, judith regan, for coming out with his new book and subsequent interview on fox. but the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach became too much to bear. and, no, it wasn't from the pizza i had tonight.

as despicable as it is that o.j. would approach anyone with this book idea (because he can't stand to be irrelevant 11 years later), it's equally abhorrent that anyone would publish such filth, let alone give phony reasons for doing so.

i'll get too worked up and wordy if i continue much further on this topic. so, i'll summarize my position on the whole thing: i'm going to buy o.j.'s book. and after rewriting both the foreword and the book sleeve to annihilate what little character each of these pathetic "human" beings have, i'll burn the damned thing and send the ashes, sprinkled with other substances that may or may not be hazardous to one's health if consumed, to both "the juice" and to the poor domestic violence victim seeking "closure," ms. regan, in the mail with an anonymous envelope.

okay, so i won't. but this does give me one more reason to hate rupert murdoch and fox "news," so i guess it's not all bad.


'i know you did it, just admit it! it'll be aight if you just say you did it. i KNOW you did it, just admit it.'

-- comedian chris rock in "bring the pain"

Health Update --- This I DO Want

an update from the desk of my doctor:

amazingly, and to the complete shock (seriously) of both the radiologist and my doctor, the CT scan came back negative...which means, for the time being, i'm okay. i should clarify and say that they're 99.9% sure that there is no existence of ischemic, nor ulcerative colitis, nor crohn's disease, which is prevalent in my family. my kidneys also appear clean at the moment.

however, neither the radiologist nor my doctor could provide an alternative explanation for the pain, swelling and mild nausea i continue to experienc, which still leaves the slightest possibilities for other maladies. i've been given a week to make some minor dietary changes to attempt to relieve some of the inflammation. after that time, if no improvement is made, i'll have to undergo more testing. i'm confident that it won't be necessary and am beyond a word synonymous with "relieved" that it doesn't appear my condition is chronic.

so, apologies to anyone on the receiving end of my overreaction. perhaps next time i should pick a doctor that doesn't follow the phrase "i'm not really certain what it could be" with 3 very serious chronic illnesses, and i'll try not to send myself into hysterics.

"I Don't Want This!"

after nearly 2 weeks of discomfort and pain in my abdomen, i visited a doctor today. naturally we discussed my recent health issues, the cardiac variety for those of you not in the know, and proceeded with the exam. dr. was apparently not pleased with his initial thoughts and ordered me to have a CT scan done...immediately. i asked what the problem could be, to which he provided 3 or 4 possibilities. none of them good. i'll refrain from listing them, as i won't officially know anything till monday.

i spent the better part of 4 hours at the imaging center, gagging down barium "milkshakes" and having other radioactive contrast injected intravenously. all this preparation and the scan was done in 10 minutes.

it seems that i don't subscribe to the traditional method of handling grief, as i skipped over the denial part and went straight to anger. perhaps it was the combination of finding out i may very well have a chronic disease on top of the tremendous stress i've been experiencing at work, and some struggles i've had in my personal life. prior to today, i've been in a perpetually foul mood for the last three days on account of the latter reasons. the former, essentially, sent me over the edge.

i needed to get out of the house tonight and figured i'd hit the bookstore. i'd write a little bit as a means of release. but my curiosity got the best of me and i headed to the "disease" section of the store. i picked up 2 books that explained in great detail the effects of the 3 (potential) diseases and read them cover to cover in fewer than 3 hours. by the end, i found myself devastated that my health had possibly become subject to any of the three.

again, the official diagnosis will not be available until monday, which gives me 2 full days to mull over all the possible directions my life can take depending on the outcome. i'll admit, i'm scared shitless, as all 3 diseases (in the most severe cases) have effects i couldn't have ever imagined suffering. reading other people's accounts (in the books) of their life experiences and difficulties with the diseases was not cathartic. rather it was painful, frightening, and left me fighting back tears in the middle of the bookstore knowing that i could very well experience the very same things.

i don't cry much. the last time, if memory serves, was when i was in the hospital last december being diagnosed with a myocardial infarction of the circumflex artery--that's a heart attack in layman's terms. but as i left the bookstore, the tears came. and they came hard. i tried to fight them back to no avail. i nearly lost control of my car during the 1.5 mile drive because i could hardly see through the wall of salty water building in my eyes. i got home and i lost it. for 20 minutes, the full effect of my fear had gotten the best of me and i cried as if it were the first time i'd ever done so. the whole time, i found myself repeating "i don't want this," as if my words could reach the heavens (who knows what or who's up there listening) and miraculously reverse my fortunes.

ordinarily, RAOG is intended to entertain if nothing else. but tonight, it serves no other purpose than to put my feelings into writing--to vent my frustration, anger, disappointment, fear and sadness at this situation. there are many of you who will surely provide the pat "it could be worse" or "there are others worse off than you" speeches, to which i'd respectfully reply, "put yourself in my shoes, at 27 years old, and tell me then that it could be worse."

there is a chance, however so slight, that the doctor could be completely wrong about this and that my symptoms are of something much less severe. i'm holding out hope that this is the case, but am under no illusion that it's likely. until monday, i'll continue to dwell on the endless possibilities that are ahead of me. i don't ask for prayers, since i'm not religious. but thoughts, well-wishes and a cure are always welcome.

JY

Cuts so deep

i went grocery shopping last nite. it was a trip like all others, complete with a stop at a market for produce and a 2nd to the king sooper's (that's kroger to my midwestern friends) for the balance of my list. yes, i make a list. and i use coupons, too. it's all in an effort to reduce the amount of time and money i waste on securing sustenance so i don't die.

i'd gone out of town last weekend, so i had to rid my place of some of the older food. rephrase: i was completely out of everything. i knew it was going to be a pricey trip, and i'd prepared myself appropriately...or so i thought.

not only had i made out a list, but the list was prioritized to boot. i'd categorized which items would be purchased first, next, last or only if i could fit them into my shopping cart. look, everything in our lives has increased in price over the past ten years. i get that. gas is about $2/gallon for regular (unless you live in CA, chicago, or nyc. then you're screwed. sorry), when it was about $.77 back then. a loaf of bread now fetches upwards of $3 when it used to be barely a buck. and pizza, good god, $15 for a fucking pie? what happened to the $6 pizza days, let alone the *2* pizzas for that price (thanks little caesars)?!?! it's not shocking to me at all that i blew about $170 to restock my cabinets, fridge and freezer. that's about par for the course for me, since healthy food sadly costs much, much more than shitty food.

no, the startling development in all of this is that of the $170 spent, roughly 7% was spent on my face--that is, to buy FOUR, count 'em, 4 razor blades, which used to only run me about $4 max. the 7%could have been much larger had the "qty. 4" not been available. at that point, my choices would have been to buy $18 dollars (10.6%) worth of blades--for 8 of them--, the $24 for the "economy" pack of 12 (which, until last night i was unaware they made), or to just skip them altogether and grow my grizzly adams beard, a la jake plummer.

as appealing, albeit itchy, as it would be to be completely "natural," i don't think the company that gives me the checks i use to buy $12 worth of razor blades would much appreciate that look. sure, i use a higher end razor and could just as easily have gotten the cheapo bics. but then again, how would a mangled, cut, blood-speckled face be any better than one full of rapunzel-lenght hair? (note: due to blood thinning medication, knicks and cuts on me tend to bleed for hours, not minutes and, therefore, could somehow be potentially life-threatening. "killed by a bic." i can see the headline now).

my other option, i suppose, would have been to shell out $150-200 for an electric razor that won't give me the same baby-butt smooth face i've become accustomed to with a blade, for which would have required another/different rant entirely. for now, i guess i'll just have to grin and bear it, knowing that the titanium covered blades, the whopping 4 of them (4 blades heads, not to be confused with the 4 individual blades per head), have knicked and cut my wallet so badly that i couldn't afford the after shave face balm needed to maintain the softer side of my manliness. and that is the deepest cut of all.

Mama, I'm Comin' Home

i ventured to michigan this weekend for the annual tradition called "homecoming." i hadn't been back to the mitt in about 3 years and was eager for an opportunity to see a revamped college campus, visit watering holes we frequented "back in the day" and to see old friends that hadn't been blessed with my presence in a long time.

as my plane descended toward the metro airport runway, we passed through a never ending layer of clouds. it was a strangely familiar feeling, as the very day i left the wolverine state was, well, gray, overcast and rainy. so i was happy to see that nothing had changed. i made my way through the antiquated smith terminal, grabbed my one checked bag, complete with gels, liquids, and other potential bomb friendly materials, and headed toward the curb to meet my ride. i was picked up, brought to the apartment as arranged, and crashed out for the night.

friday was boring. plain and simple. i was stuck in an apartment with no cable, no food, and i had no car. sure, i'm fit enough to walk to the store or a restaurant, and i would gladly have done so....if i'd had any clue where the hell i was. it was amazing to me that in 3 years, the place i'd called home for nearly 5 was now a completely foreign land to me. i remembered the names of exactly 4 streets in the city, knew of only 3 bars, and was generally lost the entire weekend (directionally speaking, of course).

thankfully, friday night was better. we headed out to my fave establishment in the booming city of enlightenment, ypsilanti--sticks. when i was an undergrad, i pretty much lived at that bar, going every thursday, friday and often saturdays as well. hell, i vaguely recall going on a few sundays too. it was always a welcoming atmosphere there, since i knew roughly half of the 200-300 people present at any given time, but friday night was different. we arrived early after having been told that the place was already packed. i walked in and knew no one aside from the 3 people i'd come with. i felt strangely out of place in a pub that i'd made my drunken home away from home throught my stint in academia. i made a bet with my friend that within an hour, i'd know at least 20 people there, and within 2, 40. sure enough, by 11pm, i was mingling about the gaggle...as if i'd never left.

there were, of course, many stories exchanged and descriptions of what was going on in each others' lives as well as abundant discussion about my recent health issues, and looks and statements of shock regarding my new physique. personally, i notice only a slight difference, but i knew there was something to this "you look great" thing when some girls i used to fancy told me in no uncertain terms that i was now officially "hot". yes, hot. i'm actually hot in the "oh my god, that cute guy there is smiling at me. he's hot" kind of way instead of the "why is your cute but creepy friend staring at me like he's undressing me with his eyes?" (i was) type way. 5 "you're hots" later, and i was feeling pretty good. following tradition, we closed the bar and headed to our temporary home.

the pre-game tailgate on saturday was weak, since most alumni my age have now moved into baby-making stage of life or are too involved with their careers to come back for a visit. some have moved far away, like h-wood who, oddly enough, lives very near his namesake town. others were conducting business abroad, while the rest were either too lazy or too poor to make the schlep to the town of Y. those of us that did make the trip felt collectively too old to be there, while simultaneously marveling at how much the campus area had changed, but how little some people had.

saturday afternoon brought barroom cheers from the regulars *i* remember from my days there, as the michigan wolverines systematically removed another foe from the schedule on their way (hopefully) to a perfect season and a national championship. and saturday night broke the hearts of everyone that had returned, as the tigers fell in game 1 of the world series.

it wasn't the experience i had hoped for, since many of the people i'd wanted to see were not present. but all in all, i think i got out of the trip what i'd wanted: to reinforce all the reasons i left in the first place, while getting to see some of my closest friends whom i've missed for the better part of 3 years. sadly, i think this year may have marked my last return trip. i'd been unable to return the past 3 years for various reasons, and anticipated this to be a triumphant return. i'd always idealized that on my last visit, i'd go out with a bang and ride off gloriously into the sunset (actually, i'd envisioned that everyone would be there and i'd simply tell them that it was my last trip and in order to see me, they'd have to come visit me in 5280 or get married so i could come to the wedding. there would be tears and hugs and plenty of "we'll miss you's" --which there were-- but there would definitely be a finality to it.). it didn't happen and off i went without the true closure to my collegiate experience, which left me with a similar feeling of disappointment as the lack of attendance and celebration.

chapter 2 of the book of jeen yes, sadly, is now closed.