Park is Open

it's opening day. i am happy. except that my cubs got off to a typical cub start. of course, they opened at home in typical cub home opener weather (read: rainy, windy, 36 degrees). all is right with the world. play ball!

When I See A Little Light

what is it with companies these days luring artists into selling out to be in their commercials? whatever happened to those cheesy little jingles that would stick in your head for hours and days on end like the freecreditreport.com ones ("f-r-e-e that spells free." thanks alot, bastards).

apple and mitsubishi, i believe, are the original perpetrators of this movement. apple secured foreigner yael naim and her poor "new soul" to hock their wares, while mitsubishi has run the gamut with their selection of sell outs; from fat boy slim to the french version of elastica, the prototypes. now TIAA-CREF has gotten in on the act, kidnapping one of college rock's pioneers, bob mould, formerly of husker du and sugar, using his "see a little light" song to tell everyone about their financial services for the greater good (i had to look that up. the hallmark of bad and ineffective advertising).

when did it become acceptable and chic for artists to sell out like this? i hate that it has, but i really can see both sides to it. on one hand, the artists do need to make some scratch and the advertisers do need something catchy to make their ad stand out. but on the other, i think it sucks that artist and advertiser alike have no problem assailing the integrity, modesty and artistry of the original work.

i guess if i had my way, companies would commission artists to score original music for their ads; to create something that actually and directly relates to what's being sold. this way everyone wins: artists get paid, advertisers get customized music to fit their products and services, and the rest of us get to continue enjoying the music the way it was intended....for our entertainment.

(btw, if you haven't yet heard "see a little light," i recommend it with a 'b' grade for its 80s off-key pop value.)

Spelled with an X, Pronounced with a Z

the little brother of the university of cincinnati, Xavier University, has a basketball team. and they're really damn good. my fair city has rallied behind our musketeers (in the absence of our bearcats) and they've responded with a beautiful run to the Elite 8 on account of their hustle, style and grit.

but there is no quicker way to piss of the entirety of southwest ohio (and parts of indiana and kentucky) than to mispronounce the name of the school in the midst of a magical run. yes, xavier--or "X" as we call it back home--starts with the letter x. it is, however, pronounced as if it were spelled with a z. Zavier, not Ex avier.

someone should make a new rule that if you're to be considered an "expert" or a "pundit" in any particular field, especially collegiate athletics, you should be required to at least know how to pronounce properly the names of all the schools in the tournament. ya know, since everyone but reece davis seems to get it wrong.

i was Xstatic to see my/our muskies pull out a dramatic win over a team led by my team's former coach, the huggy bear. sadly, in the interest of winning my office pool, i must root against the X-men in their next game, since i have UCLA winning it all and i really want the money. besides, i'm a bearcat fan at heart. and we never really want little brother to have that much success.

Here Piggy Piggy

unless you are one, most people hate cops. black people hate them because a run in tends to end in a beat down and arrest. hispanics hate them because cops assume all latinos to be illegal and "no speaka da eengleesh." people in maryland hate them because the cops there speed, get caught on camera and refuse to pay the tickets because citations are issued to the owner of the vehicle (in their case, the city), not the individual. people in ohio hate them because troopers there calibrate their radar guns about 6 miles slower than the actual speed, which allows for more tickets and, therefore, more revenue.

i hate them because, well, they're pricks who think they're above the laws they're bound to enforce. even in my little enclave, which spans a whopping 1 square mile in size, cops will do anything to take a shortcut. just this evening on my way home from the gym--a 4 minute drive across our hamlet within a city--3 cops used their lights for evil, not good. in all 3 instances, the offenders, er, officers, flashed their lights as they pulled up to a red stop light. naturally, the magical lights give them super powers to fly through intersections without so much as a glance to see if anyone else is there. and in true cop(out) fashion, as soon as each had safely traversed the intersection, the seeming emergency had miraculously been resolved, thus, flashing lights were no longer required.

1 square mile. it takes literally 6 minutes (including stop lights) to cross from one end of our village to the other. what business, other than an actual crime or emergency, could an officer of the law have that would require he/she save a whole 15 seconds to pass through an intersection unimpeded? none.

i want flashing lights too. then i can break the law and endanger lives while hiding under the guise of protecting and serving (myself).

Black Magic

so the worldwide leader in sports has decided to air a 2-week series about the achievements of black athletes this month. and while it's certainly commendable on several levels that they recognize the contributions to of lesser known athletes (or those who are better known for coaching like temple's john chaney), i'm irked by a couple of key points.

1. why air this in march? black history month is traditionally in february. in fact, i think it's always in february. i'm not black. i'm sure that comes as a shock. and frankly, i think a black history month is a terrible idea, since it essentially ridicules the advancements of society and achievements of blacks throughout our history by attempting to encapsulate them all into one month. nevertheless, we all know when black history month is. so wouldn't make the most sense to air this mini-series during the time when black achievement is at the forefront (well, closer to it anyway) of our minds? not a huge issue, but an issue nonetheless.

2. of all the famous blacks, of all the well-respected living professionals from all walks of life, of all the people in the world ESPN could have asked to host and narrate this series, they choose the Reverend Jesse Fucking Jackson. oh. my. god. this is the equivalent--if we had a "white history month"--of having david duke or the late and not-so-great strom thurmond host and narrate a series on the achievements of whites. are you kidding me? the series is an okay idea to start with. but, sweet mother of mercy, how could anyone make such a galactically stupid decision to hire this race baiter and news chaser to host? wow. simply wow.

dedicating a singular month to any one race is ridiculous. but, let's face it, no matter how hard we try to erase it, slavery actually did happen. i suppose this latest guilt-riddled attempt to try and wipe away the evils of the past is an acceptable homage, in theory, to black athletes and their contributions. but if you're going to take the time and spend the energy to piece together some rather poignant and powerful stories, at least have the decency to select somebody that EVERYONE respects to host it. at least then maybe we'll watch it and appreciate it.

Random Acts of Thinking

the gods saw fit to bring back the creativity in hollywood by ending the writers' strike and in the process rejuvenated the voice of my leader, bill maher. and though i'm loath to rip off materials and ideas from the last bastion of common sense in the world, i feel obligated to finish what i've started. so i'm gonna do it anyway. (don't sue me, bill. i'm on your side bra')

but instead of a full-fledge rules (i can't have too many new rules in a row. i'm a man of the people, not a blogarchy), we'll pass these corollaries, ordinances and regulations. so here we go....

-mother nature must admit to being a wretched bitch and stop treating denver like a red-headed step child. take some midol and get over your period called "winter." hot, cold. warm, freezing. snow, sun and more fucking snow. make up your god damned mind already! it's no wonder it's "mother" nature and not "father" nature. father nature wouldn't give a shit about the weather. he'd just be on the couch with his hand down his pants watching the NCAA tournament without giving a second thought to the fact he gave winter park 450 INCHES OF SNOW IN 3 MONTHS.

-the word is "dominant," not "dominate." all over the world wide web machine people (mostly fantasy baseball geeks) are furthering the bastardization of our language that tween girls started with their stupid text message language by telling us how "dominate" a pitcher or hitter is. dominate is a verb, as in "the 400 lb. mistress dominates the 40-year old virgin." whereas dominant is an adjective describing physical or mental superiority as in, "my right hand is my dominant hand because it's my go-to masturbation hand." get it? good. now get it right!

-daylight savings time is stupid, archaic and must be destroyed. fall back an hour, spring forward an hour. stand upside down on your head. stick your thumb up your ass. what wouldn't those farmers do for an extra hour of daylight for their crops? better yet, who fucking cares? agriculture has been taken over by agro-corporations like ADM and ConAgra. i'm almost 100% certain they've figured out how to grow and harvest crops in the sunlight provided during NORMAL calendar days. thankfully, my clocks automatically adjust because they change DST every damn year (kinda like chanukkah and passover, but without the gifts or the crappy food) and i can't keep it straight. the only purpose it serves is to add 2 days of the year where i'm even more confused than normal. and to think, the only people that understand how backwards this is live in states like indiana and arizona--the beacons of intellect.

-college sports fans MUST stop rushing the field or court when their team wins a meaningless game. it's a fairly recent trend; i'd guess it started within the past 5 years. every big highlight i can remember--nc state over houston, bc over miami, colorado over michigan (i still fucking hate you kordell stewart. i'll never forgive you for that)--all of these great highlights showed the team members celebrating amongst themselves after the victory. but recently, any upset, at any time of the year is grounds for the student section to pour on the field of play and celebrate a crowning achievement. and it's ridiculous. there's an old saying taught to athletes competing in the limelight, "act like you've been there before." so, act like you've won before....even if you're rutgers.

New Rule....We The People

New Rule:

Politicians must know the actual form of government of the country they intend to run.

for the last 4 years i've been dying waiting for the next presidential election to arrive. i've been eagerly awaiting--as most of us have--the chance to finally bid a less than fond farewell to the resident retard-in-chief and get on with the business of not having the world hate us.

and then i started watching tv coverage of this campaign season and i remembered oh so vividly just why i hate politicians of all stripes with such a passion. none of them even know what they're running for.

for nearly 8 years, we've been spoonfed metric tons worth of bullshit about the need to spread democracy throughout the world. perhaps it'd have been wise to start here at home, seeing as how we're not even a democracy. yet, the talking head politicos are more than content to parrot the phrase over and over.

you see, democracy comes from the greek "demokratia," meaning "rule of the people." when, exactly, was the last time our people actually ruled? when, pray tell, was the last time the will of the people was fully and duly enforced by our government? my guess would be sometime shortly after the country was founded and not a moment thereafter.

we are a constitutional republic, perhaps even a democratic republic. but we are not a democracy. in a true democracy, there are no leaders because everyone is a leader. each citizen's voice is heard and carries equal weight. in our constitutional republic, the only voices heard are of those who pay the most money and buy their way into the limelight.

make no mistake. i'll be voting in this election for the least of the evils available. but my resentment and distrust of politicians has hit a crescendo. it bothers me to no end that they can bash each other up until the general election and then support one another like bestest friends forever. but i am robbed of any faith i may once have had in any of them when not one--not the war hero, not the former first lady, not the skinny kid with the funny name--can accurately describe the makeup and governmental order of our own country.

hail to the oligarchal chief.