Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Common Courtesy

i was walking into my corporate prison, er, office building this morning with my daily cup o' joe in hand. approaching the double doors at the entrance, also known as the "Gates of Hell," i arrived with another condemned soul (an older gentleman roughly twice my age. poor guy). the simultaneous arrival was awkward, as neither of us were particularly inclined to open the door at first, but seconds later arrived at the decision to open the door....again at the same time.

i backed off a bit and let the old man do the honors. i followed him into the buffer area between the dual sets of doors (hereafter called the "netherland"). i politely thanked him for opening the first door for me, to which he offered a forced "you're welcome." as he reached for the second set of doors, i froze. not out of fear of entering the building and heading upstairs to my slave job as you might expect. rather, i froze from apprehension about thanking him yet again. i quickly decided to mumble a "thank you" under my breath, still not quite sure if it was appropriate.

this non-incident got me thinking. is it common courtesy to thank someone for opening 2 sets of doors? is it overkill and unnecessary? or is it rude to not "double thank?" after much deliberation (during my 3-floor elevator trip---upward, ironically), i've concluded that the second "thank you" should be assumed by the door opener if the openee had, in fact, offered the thanks in the first place. if the opener doesn't have the wherewithall to assume the second thanks, well, then they didn't deserve it in the first place.

so, there you have it. the next time 2 sets of doors are opened for you, only offer 1 "thank you." consider it a 2-for-1 deal. that's a bargain! just watch out for revolving doors. that can be a sticky situation.

LIFO

it's nice to be back from the holiday break. now i need a vacation. it's funny how visiting the family for 5 days can take so much out of you, even when you didn't really do, well, anything. i did, however, have much time to think about the simple things in life and how to improve them.

during the many hours i spent in an airport or on an airplane, i've come to conclude that the manner in which airlines board their passengers needs a small, yet fundamental change. and i think accountants are the ones that have already solved the problem.

the issue here is that for those of us not privileged to fly first class (instead relegated to a $700 coach seat. ouch!), boarding a plane is quite the lengthy process. not so much getting on the plane, but rather how much time is spent sitting idly by waiting for take off and conversely, how much more time is spent waiting to get off.

i had the misfortune of being seated at the back of the plane on each leg of my trip. not a racially motivated segregation, but one of class and privilege. but i digress. to continue, i waited, like everyone else, to get off the plane when we reached our destination. however, my wait was sufficiently longer than everyone else's due to the fact i was in the last. fucking. row.

so, here's the solution to the problem known as the waiting game: LIFO. yes, my accounting friends, i said "LIFO." last in, first out. 1st class fliers will always be the chosen few to be seated and exit first. but they are few in numbers and the greater concern is with the numerically superior coach passengers.

i think moving forward, airlines should continue seating by "zones," as it seems to be the most efficient means of getting everyone on and getting on our way. however, coach passengers assigned seating toward the front of the plane should board first. passengers at the back will board last. the process will be reversed upon arrival at said destination. it equals out waiting times and everyone is happy. now, if we can just do something about $700 coach fare. that's a different story.

Friday, November 18, 2005

RANT: To The Black Jack Pizza Guy

dear black jack pizza guy:

you and your coworkers all suck, and i hope you get fired from your insanely meaningless jobs. you are a disgrace to the already-disgraced customer service industry. why must you all be such dicks each and every time i, my roommate, or the homeless guy that sleeps in my dumpster call?

if i've lost you, dear pizza-order-taker-guy, i'm not surprised. you and your coworkers are what we intellectuals (hell, even normal people) call "fucking morons." if you've still yet to piece together what i'm talking about, let me remind you:

for some odd reason, when i call to order a hot, cheesy pizza, you are more concerned about sounding like a hard ass and worrying about how much extra you will charge me for using various forms of payment. unfortunately for me, the few times i've actually been able to complete a transaction with you, you've fucked up my order, presumably because you were so giddy to rip me off that you forgot that i hate olives. and anchovies. and fucking mushrooms. you goddamn idiot.

i'd ask you to explain to me how on one day your store gladly will accept my debit card, which is the 21st century's easiest form of payment (haven't you heard ANY of the commericals? christ!), and the next you want to charge me more for using it, but i hate you too much to form the words.

as if your illegal pricing activities aren't enough of an aggravation, the next time i called, you told me you didn't even accept debit or credit cards. were you kidding the first time when you did take it? if so, that's a funny joke, fucktard. so, as i wonder aloud on the phone how it is that your store survives as the only business in america that does not accept debit cards, you take your usual "i'm a cock, but i'm better than you" attitude and tell me that you've never accepted them to begin with and that your biz is going just fine, click. i bet it is.

we've called your corporate offices to complain. they said they were very concerned and will "look into it." apparently, there is a reason that they are in corporate, and you toss dough for a living....they're better liars than you are. they know full well that the little people like us don't have the time, energy, or resources to take on a corporate entity, even if what they're doing is illegal. however, that doesn't preclude me from making your life miserable.

if you start receiving faxes (you DO have a fax machine, right, luddite?) with boorish language, or prank calls to deliver somewhere that doesn't exist, or orders for items you don't carry...you'll know it's me, you wretched, imbeclic, moron. you can't like tossing dough for a living as it is. but your disregard for service to your customers, especially lying to them and illegally charging them more for the same items than you charge others, has led me on a conquest to make your "job" your personal hell. i hope you rot there. i'll save you a seat, sweetie.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Ok, So We Can't All Be Genius

so, naturally, there are those of us that are simply smarter than others. though the information below is in no way indicative my intellect, i did find the underlying theme interesting....no matter what order the interior letters of a word are in, the human mind pieces the word puzzle together to allow a person to read the jumble. give it a whirl, you'll feel like einstein, jr.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt..

yeah, i couldn't believe it either. thanks cambridge.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Criminal Education

as the bush administration continues to push it's alleged education program ("no child left behind" and other programs for higher ed.), college students and future students stand by idly as they are pillaged by the so-called leaders of education.

a recent article from CNN.com cites a new study by the chronicle of higher education that discovered that in 2004, 5 presidents of private american colleges and univerisities earned more than $1 million in annual compensation, and that over 50 had earned more than $500,000 (cnn.com 14, november). more disturbing is the study's findings of 139 public institutions. they found that

-23 will have total compensation packages topping $500,000 this year, up 35 percent
from a year ago.
-Another 30 will get between $400,000 and $499,999 in compensation.
-And the median compensation for the post is $360,000.

states and the federal government are currently running an enormous budget deficit. to combat the imbalance, essential programs and funding are often cut in an effort to bring the budget to equilibrium. naturally, higher education funding (i.e. scholarships, grants, and loans) are among those programs being cut.

so, if state agencies and the federal government do not have enough money to help fund their education programs that would, presumably, allow millions of deserving students to attend college, how is it that the politicians who oversee such programs can stand on the sidelines watching as college presidents' earnings increase year after year after year, while more and more students are priced out of an educational opportunity? it's an education in criminality.

politicians are almost exclusively of backgrounds of the elite. their parents went to college and had money. their grandparents came from money. and now, they are in the money and only associate with those of similar financial concerns. it may not be against the law, but it certainly goes against ethical standards that help determine what's best for you, for me, and for us.

the issue here isn't that politicians (read: bush administration and cronies) are concerned with helping people go to college. they're concerned with helping the right people go to college, which means elite, financially well-to-dos that can afford, with a little help, to put yet more money in the coffers of these academic tyrants.

in the post-enron era of corporate accountability, why is there not an equal standard for those in our government? why is systematic segregation based on socio-economic standing permitted? the rich get richer, the poor get dumber. it's a major problem with an easy solution:

Genius Solution:

sign into law earnings ceilings for administrators of public institutions. (athletes call this a "salary cap"). the ceiling can take the form of a small percentage of the total annual budget, or a fixed rate adjusted for cost of living. whichever the case, it should be standard across the board, at least for those in public institutions.

though this will not solve budgetary issues at a state or federal level, it will, over time, allow more funds to be available from, say, a general scholarship fund. over a number of years, the dollars that would have been going directly to the administrators' pocketbooks will be back where the belong, in the pockets of students and their families.


Read the entire article here: http://money.cnn.com/2005/11/11/pf/college/college_president_pay/index.htm?cnn=yes

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Genius Thought - Uber Christians

okay, so this week i had the privilege of watching "trading spouses" on fox. yes, it actually was the first time i've ever seen it, and more than likely the last as well. so you know, i'm not a fan of anything fox, especially fox "news."

THE INTRO
there i was, bored on a worknight, surfing the 800,000 channels provided me by my overpriced cable carrier. thankfully, it only took 13 clicks to find something to pique my interest. on my screen, i saw the teaser of all teasers: an overly, um, large (?) woman, with a gigantic gap in her teeth was raving about "gargiles" (sic) and dark-sidedness. i was instantly hooked.

THE BACKGROUND
trading spouses, it seems, makes its niche by swapping mothers of completely mismatched families. in our case here, we find a sweet, quiet, loving hypnotherapist/astrologist mother on the west coast sent to mother a family located about 6 inches from hell (lousiana....hell is actually located in mississippi if my geography is correct). her counterpart, the aforementioned wildebeest, is an uber christian from louisiana who's only saving grace in life is that her husband is at least marginally normal.

THE PLOT
astrology mom arrives in lousiana, meets her new family, and quickly sets out on a quest to become part of her new family, if only for a week. she takes the daughters shopping, has meaningful conversations at the dinner table, and not once mentions anything resembling her religious (or non-religious) beliefs.

fast forward 2 minutes to hippo mom arriving on the west coast. from the instant she waddles in the front door, she, too, has embarked on a journey--a mission, some would call it. the children of the family were perfectly normal, save that they don't believe in jesus. they're active, intelligent, well-mannered, and any other superlative one could put on them.

the raging christian hippo proceeds, over the course of the ensuing 30 min, to preach to the entire family of the virtues of christ, all the while justifying her childish temper tantrums with "i've never seen or met people like these." that's because whales are not easily transported across state lines.

THE THOUGHTS
i'd go into more detail of the show, but i'm afraid i may shit myself from laughing so hard. if you missed it, find someone that tivo-ed it and go to their house. you won't be sorry. This show, however, brings me to many fascinating points; only a few of which i'll touch on now.

for all his conservative ways, rupert "i'm the anti-jewish jew" murdoch sure knows how to peddle smut. the shows on fox tv are the complete antithesis of everything his "news" channel stands for. the shows on fox are littered with sexual references, religious intolerance, conspiracy, and other lewd topics. come to think of it, that's exactly what fox "news" has too. i stand corrected, and i digress. rupert is a dick.

the larger context of this, though, is that even though this enormous christian she-beast is a parody of herself, she unfortunately represents a large sect of citizenry here in the us: the uber christian.

the uber christian is a christian whose belief in jesus is so deep, so profound, that jesus himself is looking into the possibility of a restraining order. they tend not only to believe that jesus is the answer to everything, including jeopardy questions, but that they have part of jesus in them. gross. the very idea of a lucid, secular thought brings them to tears and elicits accusations of "dark-sided"ness. the uber christian is the first to tell you you're going to hell, and the last to realize that you'll see them there.

these "spiritual warriors," who pride themselves on waging war against all beliefs non-christian, have unknowingly waged war against christianity itself. their crusade to convert all non-believers is an affront to the christian tenet of tolerance. and their hatred of homosexuals, metrosexuals, and gary busey flies in the face of the "love thy neighbor" commandment.

the long and short of it is that the uber christian is not a christian. the uber christian is a bastard. the uber christian is a bastard that continues to bastardize the religion they so proudly proclaim to be part of. and they must be stopped.

GENIUS SOLUTION:

save yourself from the wrath of the uber christian and buy a gargoyle. they love 'em.

First Random Posting

Hello soon-to-be minion, and welcome to my new spot in cyberspace. i don't have much to contribute today, but stay tuned and check back often for your meaty nuggets of genius.

Random Headline of the day:

From MSN.com - Jordan fingers al-Qaida in Iraq

Never realized they were so close.

-Jeanyus