an open letter to Fox 31 (local news, denver):
dear FOX 31,
you've done it! you've officially passed your corporate parent as the greatest sham in news media today, a feat previously thought impossible by, well, everyone!
i watched 18 minutes of your 35 minute 9pm newscast. so far here is your lineup:
-tease: weather
-lead story: weather
-on location report: bad roads
-tease: forecast
-story: retail sales
out of curiosity, do you think anything may be missing? at the time of this writing, the date is december 29, 2006 at approximately 9:30pm MST(who knows when i'll finish). maybe you've heard by now that there was a fairly significant world event going on somewhere in the middle east. something to do with the execution of a murderous tyrant at 10pm eastern time....a FULL HOUR BEFORE YOUR BROADCAST.
7 inches. 7. fucking. inches. you led off your 9pm broadcast with coverage of the "holiday blizzard, round 2," more appropriately named "the blizzard that wasn't." (aside: where the hell did all this snow come from? this isn't fucking north dakota. can we please get back to a regular colorado winter? i really miss my 50 degree high temps and bright sunshine) yet, you buried a little nugget of worldy information in your news rundown so far down in your shot sheet, that i actually found out about it from another tv station....that doesn't hit the air with its broadcast for another 30 minutes! and following it up with a gem like, "before we get to the weather, we have some other news to report," is either a hint of a twisted sense of humor beyond my comprehension, or an aversion to doing your job that merits a similar qualification.
the fact that you have the earliest broadcast timeslot but were the last to report saddam hussein's execution (yes, the abc, nbc, and cbs affiliates all broke into their regular programming to let us know about this) concerns me gravely about your priorities. your accountability to your viewers is to provide us with all the news--local, national, and global--relevant to our lives. AND, this is a big one, AND you're supposed to list the stories in order of importance. did they not teach that at the ohio school of broadcasting, pueblo campus?
i've long lambasted your parent company for being the single most biased "news" source on the face of the planet. but hell, at least they report some version of the news. saddam is dead, you tell me about the weather. genocide in darfur, you give me britney's cooch followed by highlights of bronco's practice (yes, seriously, practice). what, pray tell, will you cover in case of a nuclear holocaust, groundhog day? i wasn't aware that news corp. had purchased the syndication rights to "inside edition." let's tune into abc 7 news at 10pm to see what else you've missed. disgraceful.
sincerely and disgustedly yours,
mr. misinformed
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
To Catch a Basic Instinct
with all apologies to the legendary jerry seinfeld, WHAT is the deal with these hidden camera shows on the major networks? "to catch a predator," "basic instinct," and some as yet unknown knock off that fox will come out with 6 months from now are on EVERY week.
sure, it started out as an idea novel to the "news" industry. but with the expansion of the news magazine show format (thanks 60 minutes for getting us started, and thanks "primetime" for setting the bar so. fucking. low.), these shows are going the way of the sitcom: unoriginal and overexposed.
the first time i saw a bunch of hilljack dudes from georgia getting arrested after driving 3 hours to meet who they thought was a 13 year-old girl was very, very disturbing. 3 or 4 in the first show was shocking; shocking to know that pedophelia (or whatever the appropriate term is regarding early adolescents) is perpetrated by guys my age that look, at the very least, normal, and shocking to know that it's so prevalent. naturally, the shock value has all but disappeared once a viewer gets to the point where he knows exactly what's going to by said and how the whole thing will play out.
what does continue to amaze me, however, is that the producers seem to think they can pull a fast one on me with doozies like, "...but john doe is in for an even bigger surprise...", as if i've managed to forget the 60 guys that have been arrested on camera over the past 2 months.
sometimes networks need to know when enough is enough. and of course i'm directing this at MTV for the "real" world (and road rules), CBS (for CSI vegas, nyc, miami, anchorage, and branson), NBC for law and order, and fox for whatever shit they decide to put on next (simpsons, family guy excluded).
look, networks, we get it. when you have a successful show, you can duplicate and replicate it many times in a year, make a few extra bucks and set the advertising market for the following year. and then you wonder why your shows take a dive after 4 years. they become too predictable, at which point you, predictably, take the plots completely over the top, thereby alienating anyone that was once a fan. and then your show is shot and you cancel it. so please, network executives, do us all a favor and limit your hidden camera tricks to a once in a while special rather than a weekly series. 'cause if you keep it up, the only thing you're going to catch is the elevator to the ground floor after you've been fired for failing to produce sustainable results.
sure, it started out as an idea novel to the "news" industry. but with the expansion of the news magazine show format (thanks 60 minutes for getting us started, and thanks "primetime" for setting the bar so. fucking. low.), these shows are going the way of the sitcom: unoriginal and overexposed.
the first time i saw a bunch of hilljack dudes from georgia getting arrested after driving 3 hours to meet who they thought was a 13 year-old girl was very, very disturbing. 3 or 4 in the first show was shocking; shocking to know that pedophelia (or whatever the appropriate term is regarding early adolescents) is perpetrated by guys my age that look, at the very least, normal, and shocking to know that it's so prevalent. naturally, the shock value has all but disappeared once a viewer gets to the point where he knows exactly what's going to by said and how the whole thing will play out.
what does continue to amaze me, however, is that the producers seem to think they can pull a fast one on me with doozies like, "...but john doe is in for an even bigger surprise...", as if i've managed to forget the 60 guys that have been arrested on camera over the past 2 months.
sometimes networks need to know when enough is enough. and of course i'm directing this at MTV for the "real" world (and road rules), CBS (for CSI vegas, nyc, miami, anchorage, and branson), NBC for law and order, and fox for whatever shit they decide to put on next (simpsons, family guy excluded).
look, networks, we get it. when you have a successful show, you can duplicate and replicate it many times in a year, make a few extra bucks and set the advertising market for the following year. and then you wonder why your shows take a dive after 4 years. they become too predictable, at which point you, predictably, take the plots completely over the top, thereby alienating anyone that was once a fan. and then your show is shot and you cancel it. so please, network executives, do us all a favor and limit your hidden camera tricks to a once in a while special rather than a weekly series. 'cause if you keep it up, the only thing you're going to catch is the elevator to the ground floor after you've been fired for failing to produce sustainable results.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
This Date in History - 1 Year Ago Today
1 year ago today i nearly died. 1 year later, i'm still here. still standing.
fuck you, death. you're a failure. you're terrible at your job. find someone else to pick on. you've tried twice with me and you've failed. and now i'm armed with pills, doctors, and a new lifestyle. good luck getting to me again.
you. can't. beat. me.
fuck you, death. you're a failure. you're terrible at your job. find someone else to pick on. you've tried twice with me and you've failed. and now i'm armed with pills, doctors, and a new lifestyle. good luck getting to me again.
you. can't. beat. me.
Part 2: This Date in History - The Greatest Fight Ever Fought
i've always considered myself an athlete. as such, on the 1 year anniversary of my new lease on life, i decided to portray my struggles as if i were a professional athlete. it may be stupid to some, but it's moderately cathartic to me. so, anyone that doesn't like it can eat my ass. i'll provide the spoon.
From the AP Newswire - Denver, CO
it's the greatest matchup never recorded in the annals of modern competition. 1 year ago today, there was an epic struggle between the traditional world powerhouse, death, and a little-known upstart, JY.
the low profile tussle was actually a rematch of the pair's first encounter years back, when death struck the first blow in the rivalry--serving JY with a vicious accident involving a semi truck and a jeep wrangler on a slippery, inundated roadway. JY walked away from the accident merely with two broken ribs and with a narrow victory.
the memory of this defeat stuck with death and served as motivation for his re-ascent to the top of the polls. after a short rebuilding program, death seemed stronger than ever and poised to make his mark and return to his previous glory, which he'd hoped to reclaim on december 22, 2005.
JY, fresh off a newly-introduced training regimen, had regained the form that had once lifted him to the top of the amateur ranks. though the training had given him the physical strength to compete, JY lacked the readiness and preparation needed for a successful fight.
the bell rang and death came out swinging, landing dull aches in JY's collarbone area. by round two, JY was unable to adapt and death continued to pummel his weaker opponent with flurries of shortness of breath and intense and explosive chest pain. the fight looked to be over by round three, when death knocked JY down, leaving him nearly unconscious and with no feeling in either arm.
the doctor's in JY's corner quickly came to their fighter's aid, inserting a stent through a catheder and prescribing numerous drugs, all without the referee's consent. JY was back on his feet in relatively short order and ready to resume. but the referee was not convinced and suspended the bout, which has yet to be continued.
the rivalry is intense. and when it continues at a later date, JY will hold a nearly insurmountable 2-0 advantage. but death is accustomed to playing from behind and has countless times in the past year come back from seemingly impossible deficits to win. many opponents have underestimated death's power and reach. rest assured, JY's trainers and doctors will have their fighter primed and ready to roll when fight continues.
for more information about this event, visit: www.americanheart.org
From the AP Newswire - Denver, CO
it's the greatest matchup never recorded in the annals of modern competition. 1 year ago today, there was an epic struggle between the traditional world powerhouse, death, and a little-known upstart, JY.
the low profile tussle was actually a rematch of the pair's first encounter years back, when death struck the first blow in the rivalry--serving JY with a vicious accident involving a semi truck and a jeep wrangler on a slippery, inundated roadway. JY walked away from the accident merely with two broken ribs and with a narrow victory.
the memory of this defeat stuck with death and served as motivation for his re-ascent to the top of the polls. after a short rebuilding program, death seemed stronger than ever and poised to make his mark and return to his previous glory, which he'd hoped to reclaim on december 22, 2005.
JY, fresh off a newly-introduced training regimen, had regained the form that had once lifted him to the top of the amateur ranks. though the training had given him the physical strength to compete, JY lacked the readiness and preparation needed for a successful fight.
the bell rang and death came out swinging, landing dull aches in JY's collarbone area. by round two, JY was unable to adapt and death continued to pummel his weaker opponent with flurries of shortness of breath and intense and explosive chest pain. the fight looked to be over by round three, when death knocked JY down, leaving him nearly unconscious and with no feeling in either arm.
the doctor's in JY's corner quickly came to their fighter's aid, inserting a stent through a catheder and prescribing numerous drugs, all without the referee's consent. JY was back on his feet in relatively short order and ready to resume. but the referee was not convinced and suspended the bout, which has yet to be continued.
the rivalry is intense. and when it continues at a later date, JY will hold a nearly insurmountable 2-0 advantage. but death is accustomed to playing from behind and has countless times in the past year come back from seemingly impossible deficits to win. many opponents have underestimated death's power and reach. rest assured, JY's trainers and doctors will have their fighter primed and ready to roll when fight continues.
for more information about this event, visit: www.americanheart.org
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I McHate You
so, mcdonald's was founded way back when in the 50's, and throughout its history has had many creative ad campaigns incorporating the "mc" into made up words and menu items. mcnuggets, mcrib, mcgriddle. the list goes on. it was cute, it was appropriate. it was played out and eventually ended--mercifully.
but "mc" has made a comeback, and it's not mcd's that's perpetrating the horror. no, it's every female between the ages of 15 and 45 who's obsessed with abc's hit show grey's anatomy. i'll admit, i've seen a few episodes, and despite the overly dramatized goings on of the show's characters, it was moderately enjoyable. while channel surfing last week, i stopped on "grey's" and lo and behold, the female characters had nicknamed some male doctors "mcdreamy" and "mcsteamy." i was petrified. and nauseated.
what was surely intended as a clever, witty line while writers brainstormed in the writer's room has become a phenomenon. it's present in office banter, personal ads (hey, when you're bored at work, craigslist is a kick-ass way to kill some time), and in everyday conversation on the street. why? why is it so funny, clever and witty that now everything extremely good or exceptionally bad must be "mc"something?!
we knew long ago that american society had fallen on hard times. blame mtv, blame the "liberal" media. blame them all for gen x and gen y (originality not gen y's strong suit, it seems) not giving a rat's ass about politics, current events, or anything going on outside their cozy cocoon. but did anyone forsee the total collapse of independent thought, originality, and even our language? moreso, could anyone have predicted that a tv show could fell them? ugh.
sure, i steal the occasional catchphrase from a show or song every now and again. but i'm still fully capable of using real words when necessary, even most of the time one may say. i realize that sooner or later the fad will fade, just like the boy band craze of the late 90's (man was i happy to see n'suck and their ilk fade to oblivion). but in the meantime, please, please, please lay off the "mc"adjectives just a little bit and speak english. at least pretend you're still your own person and that your life isn't completely consumed by an hour-long fictional "drama." god, i mchate grey's anatomy!
but "mc" has made a comeback, and it's not mcd's that's perpetrating the horror. no, it's every female between the ages of 15 and 45 who's obsessed with abc's hit show grey's anatomy. i'll admit, i've seen a few episodes, and despite the overly dramatized goings on of the show's characters, it was moderately enjoyable. while channel surfing last week, i stopped on "grey's" and lo and behold, the female characters had nicknamed some male doctors "mcdreamy" and "mcsteamy." i was petrified. and nauseated.
what was surely intended as a clever, witty line while writers brainstormed in the writer's room has become a phenomenon. it's present in office banter, personal ads (hey, when you're bored at work, craigslist is a kick-ass way to kill some time), and in everyday conversation on the street. why? why is it so funny, clever and witty that now everything extremely good or exceptionally bad must be "mc"something?!
we knew long ago that american society had fallen on hard times. blame mtv, blame the "liberal" media. blame them all for gen x and gen y (originality not gen y's strong suit, it seems) not giving a rat's ass about politics, current events, or anything going on outside their cozy cocoon. but did anyone forsee the total collapse of independent thought, originality, and even our language? moreso, could anyone have predicted that a tv show could fell them? ugh.
sure, i steal the occasional catchphrase from a show or song every now and again. but i'm still fully capable of using real words when necessary, even most of the time one may say. i realize that sooner or later the fad will fade, just like the boy band craze of the late 90's (man was i happy to see n'suck and their ilk fade to oblivion). but in the meantime, please, please, please lay off the "mc"adjectives just a little bit and speak english. at least pretend you're still your own person and that your life isn't completely consumed by an hour-long fictional "drama." god, i mchate grey's anatomy!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Previously on...
it appears as though the shield, one of my all time favorite shows, will be returning shortly. so too are there grumblings about the sopranos and (allegedly) the second half of the split season of the greatest man show ever created, entourage. and now i'm concerned.
with last night's promo of the return of the shield on FX, it occured to me that both FX and HBO need to hire more qualified production staffers. preferably some who understand that the definition of hiatus is "a short break or interruption." not a fucking wrinkle in time.
the breaks between seasons are so long that i often have to confer with friends at the beginning of one just to be able to piece together what happened at the end of the other. and the production crew feels they're doing me such a great service by giving me a 10-second recap that starts out, "previously on the shield." and instead of giving me a chronological recap, they do it picasso-style; a piece here, a piece there, leave some to the imagination. why should i be recreating the story? didn't you write it? what's more is that certain shows (i'm looking at you nip/tuck) can't even recap just one season! no, they have to throw in additional backstory from 2 or sometimes 3 seasons ago just to make it that much more confusing.
so, here's the scoop FX and HBO, either cut your hiatus time to somewhere between a month and a light year, or take an additional 3 minutes (hey you can do it at the end of a season, why not at the beginning?) and actually remind me of why the hell i tuned in in the first place. oh, and one other thing, this is for FX in particular, can you PLEASE cut back on the quality of your shows too? you're really beginning to cut into my sleep time on tuesday nights with shield, nip/tuck, rescue me, thief and (coming soon) the riches all showing that night throughout the year. wednesday hates you!
that's a wrap!
with last night's promo of the return of the shield on FX, it occured to me that both FX and HBO need to hire more qualified production staffers. preferably some who understand that the definition of hiatus is "a short break or interruption." not a fucking wrinkle in time.
the breaks between seasons are so long that i often have to confer with friends at the beginning of one just to be able to piece together what happened at the end of the other. and the production crew feels they're doing me such a great service by giving me a 10-second recap that starts out, "previously on the shield." and instead of giving me a chronological recap, they do it picasso-style; a piece here, a piece there, leave some to the imagination. why should i be recreating the story? didn't you write it? what's more is that certain shows (i'm looking at you nip/tuck) can't even recap just one season! no, they have to throw in additional backstory from 2 or sometimes 3 seasons ago just to make it that much more confusing.
so, here's the scoop FX and HBO, either cut your hiatus time to somewhere between a month and a light year, or take an additional 3 minutes (hey you can do it at the end of a season, why not at the beginning?) and actually remind me of why the hell i tuned in in the first place. oh, and one other thing, this is for FX in particular, can you PLEASE cut back on the quality of your shows too? you're really beginning to cut into my sleep time on tuesday nights with shield, nip/tuck, rescue me, thief and (coming soon) the riches all showing that night throughout the year. wednesday hates you!
that's a wrap!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Viral Love
dear cold or flu virus,
flirting is nice. it's even "cute" by some standards. but for christ's sake, at some point, you have to have the cojones to actually make a move on me. for weeks now you've been tantalizing me with tokens of your affection; a sore throat here, a mild fever there. it's very sweet and i certainly appreciate the gestures, but this passive-agressive thing you've got going on is really growing old.
your friends were never like this when i'd hooked up with them in the past. they were the "take-charge" kind of viruses. ya know, the ones that would bed me without the courtesy of so much buying me a drink first. they were the alpha viruses to your beta. i realize now that i really need someone like that in my life to get me sick.
what is it that makes you like this, that you can't commit? did you have a bad relationship with another infectee in the past? was he abusive? did he go overboard with the cold medicines? what could he have possibly done to make you so apprehensive, so tentative?
sure, you've made some progress over the past few weeks. i was really impressed that you caused me to leave work early today on account of a 1-2 punch i didn't see coming. but it's not enough. really, it's not. i need more from a virus.
so, i'm giving you an ultimatum: either go ahead and actually get me sick like a real virus would, or get out of my life for good. i really can't handle the vascillation. it's irritating, it's confusing, and it's a bit hurtful to feel as though you don't care enough about me to give me your all. i know it's short notice, but i can only give you till tomorrow morning to make your decision. at that time, i'll be up and at 'em, getting ready for work, complete with a full slate of interviews and client meetings. in short, i NEED to know.
if it turns out that you simply can't commit to me, i'll understand. and i'll wish you the best of luck in your future relationships. but, if you decide this is what you really want, you'll know where to find me.
always with love,
JY
flirting is nice. it's even "cute" by some standards. but for christ's sake, at some point, you have to have the cojones to actually make a move on me. for weeks now you've been tantalizing me with tokens of your affection; a sore throat here, a mild fever there. it's very sweet and i certainly appreciate the gestures, but this passive-agressive thing you've got going on is really growing old.
your friends were never like this when i'd hooked up with them in the past. they were the "take-charge" kind of viruses. ya know, the ones that would bed me without the courtesy of so much buying me a drink first. they were the alpha viruses to your beta. i realize now that i really need someone like that in my life to get me sick.
what is it that makes you like this, that you can't commit? did you have a bad relationship with another infectee in the past? was he abusive? did he go overboard with the cold medicines? what could he have possibly done to make you so apprehensive, so tentative?
sure, you've made some progress over the past few weeks. i was really impressed that you caused me to leave work early today on account of a 1-2 punch i didn't see coming. but it's not enough. really, it's not. i need more from a virus.
so, i'm giving you an ultimatum: either go ahead and actually get me sick like a real virus would, or get out of my life for good. i really can't handle the vascillation. it's irritating, it's confusing, and it's a bit hurtful to feel as though you don't care enough about me to give me your all. i know it's short notice, but i can only give you till tomorrow morning to make your decision. at that time, i'll be up and at 'em, getting ready for work, complete with a full slate of interviews and client meetings. in short, i NEED to know.
if it turns out that you simply can't commit to me, i'll understand. and i'll wish you the best of luck in your future relationships. but, if you decide this is what you really want, you'll know where to find me.
always with love,
JY
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
To the rescue!
when you pay near-slave wages, you tend to attract--how shall we say--lower-rung talent. but often, these people have the best stories. or weirdest, in this case.
an older gentleman (term used loosely) came into our office to fill out an application and to interview. we're in the middle of a hiring frenzy on the heels of securing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with a certain fortune 200 satellite tv provider, and we need all the help we can get. well, almost.
for some odd reason or another, i was pulled into the interview along with the sales manager. before we even get started, the man asks, "how long are your breaks?" looking over the application, we notice that the guy has had 3 jobs recently...all in the last month. the stage was set for the all-time weirdest and worst interview.
sales manager (SM): what happened at these jobs that you had 3 in the same month?
APPLICANT: the break times weren't long enough. one of those jobs wanted me to work 3 hours in a row and then take a 15 minute break. that's like a sweatshop!
sadly, he was unaware that the law only requires a 15 minute break every 4 hours. we continue...
APP: do you guys get a lunch break?
SM: well, the way our schedule works now, we do on the day shift.
APP: oh, what about the evening shift? do they get a lunch too?
SM: presently, no. but we'll be changing our schedule shortly to include a lunch.
APP: okay, one more question. i'm a smoker. if i get really stressed out and need an extra cigarette, will you let me have an extra smoke break?
SM: well, for my top reps i tend to be more lenient with things like that. if you're performing really well, then i try to accomodate a few extra needs here and there. nothing excessive though.
APP: right, i understand.
to this point, the guy is a complete joke and a waste of my time. until this gem of an exchange. here's where it got fun/interesting/confusing/scary/entertaining....
SM: i see that you have some activity on your background (criminal). what can you tell me about that?"
APP: (hereafter referred to as "vigilante" or "hero"): yeah, let me explain that. you see, it's all a big misunderstanding. what i do is actually foil crimes (yes, he really said 'foil'). back in the 80s i was arrested in connection with a bank robbery. i knew the guys that were involved and was with them when they went to the bank. but what they didn't know was that i was planning on double-crossing them and holding them there till the cops showed up to arrest them. but the cops showed up early and thought i was in on the robbery.
Me: i see. so you were trying to prevent the crime from happening.
Hero: yes, i was trying to foil the crime. that's what i do.
SM: uh huh.
after the shock had worn off from this completely unexpected disclosure, SM and i decided to have a bit more fun with the applicant, knowing there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell the guy would be hired here...or anywhere for that matter.
Me: okay, if you could have your choice of any job, what would it be? it doesn't even have to be a real job. just tell me what your dream job is.
Vigilante: i'd be county safety commissioner
Me: seriously? why?
Vigilante: well, i went to see the saftey commissioner recently. had a 30 minute sit-down with the guy.
Me: why?
Vigilante: well, with all the hooligans running around these days, i think everyone should have a gun to protect themselves. and with my background, i couldn't get approved for a gun. so i went to the commissioner to ask him to grant me a license for a concealed weapon. i mean, i need it not only to protect myself, but also to help foil crimes. he turned me down. and he was a complete asshole.
Me: i'm sure he was.
SM: okay, mr. ___ do you have any other questions for me?
Hero: not really. just wanted to make sure of the breaks and lunch thing.
SM: okay, well, we'll be calling your references and will get back to you if we think there's a match.
Hero: how long will that take?
SM: a few days probably.
Hero: a few days? why dont' you just call them now? you can call them right now, i'll listen to you.
SM: i'm actually pretty busy. so it'll take a few days.
Hero: that's ridiculous. you shouldn't call my job references. they'll say some bad things about me. they didn't know me very well.
SM: i'm guessing they didn't know you very well because you were there less than a week?
Hero: no, they're just all assholes. you should call my personal references instead. go ahead and do it now. call them!
SM: no. we'll be in touch. thanks for coming in.
this was a real occurrence, a true story. i defy ANYONE to re-create a worse (yet more entertaining) interview story. if you can, tell me later...i need a break.
an older gentleman (term used loosely) came into our office to fill out an application and to interview. we're in the middle of a hiring frenzy on the heels of securing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with a certain fortune 200 satellite tv provider, and we need all the help we can get. well, almost.
for some odd reason or another, i was pulled into the interview along with the sales manager. before we even get started, the man asks, "how long are your breaks?" looking over the application, we notice that the guy has had 3 jobs recently...all in the last month. the stage was set for the all-time weirdest and worst interview.
sales manager (SM): what happened at these jobs that you had 3 in the same month?
APPLICANT: the break times weren't long enough. one of those jobs wanted me to work 3 hours in a row and then take a 15 minute break. that's like a sweatshop!
sadly, he was unaware that the law only requires a 15 minute break every 4 hours. we continue...
APP: do you guys get a lunch break?
SM: well, the way our schedule works now, we do on the day shift.
APP: oh, what about the evening shift? do they get a lunch too?
SM: presently, no. but we'll be changing our schedule shortly to include a lunch.
APP: okay, one more question. i'm a smoker. if i get really stressed out and need an extra cigarette, will you let me have an extra smoke break?
SM: well, for my top reps i tend to be more lenient with things like that. if you're performing really well, then i try to accomodate a few extra needs here and there. nothing excessive though.
APP: right, i understand.
to this point, the guy is a complete joke and a waste of my time. until this gem of an exchange. here's where it got fun/interesting/confusing/scary/entertaining....
SM: i see that you have some activity on your background (criminal). what can you tell me about that?"
APP: (hereafter referred to as "vigilante" or "hero"): yeah, let me explain that. you see, it's all a big misunderstanding. what i do is actually foil crimes (yes, he really said 'foil'). back in the 80s i was arrested in connection with a bank robbery. i knew the guys that were involved and was with them when they went to the bank. but what they didn't know was that i was planning on double-crossing them and holding them there till the cops showed up to arrest them. but the cops showed up early and thought i was in on the robbery.
Me: i see. so you were trying to prevent the crime from happening.
Hero: yes, i was trying to foil the crime. that's what i do.
SM: uh huh.
after the shock had worn off from this completely unexpected disclosure, SM and i decided to have a bit more fun with the applicant, knowing there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell the guy would be hired here...or anywhere for that matter.
Me: okay, if you could have your choice of any job, what would it be? it doesn't even have to be a real job. just tell me what your dream job is.
Vigilante: i'd be county safety commissioner
Me: seriously? why?
Vigilante: well, i went to see the saftey commissioner recently. had a 30 minute sit-down with the guy.
Me: why?
Vigilante: well, with all the hooligans running around these days, i think everyone should have a gun to protect themselves. and with my background, i couldn't get approved for a gun. so i went to the commissioner to ask him to grant me a license for a concealed weapon. i mean, i need it not only to protect myself, but also to help foil crimes. he turned me down. and he was a complete asshole.
Me: i'm sure he was.
SM: okay, mr. ___ do you have any other questions for me?
Hero: not really. just wanted to make sure of the breaks and lunch thing.
SM: okay, well, we'll be calling your references and will get back to you if we think there's a match.
Hero: how long will that take?
SM: a few days probably.
Hero: a few days? why dont' you just call them now? you can call them right now, i'll listen to you.
SM: i'm actually pretty busy. so it'll take a few days.
Hero: that's ridiculous. you shouldn't call my job references. they'll say some bad things about me. they didn't know me very well.
SM: i'm guessing they didn't know you very well because you were there less than a week?
Hero: no, they're just all assholes. you should call my personal references instead. go ahead and do it now. call them!
SM: no. we'll be in touch. thanks for coming in.
this was a real occurrence, a true story. i defy ANYONE to re-create a worse (yet more entertaining) interview story. if you can, tell me later...i need a break.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Giving Back Feels Good...Sort of
an old lady. a 40-something blonde (beautiful) woman. a 20-something skinny girl. me. these are the heart disease survivors in attendance at the american heart association logistics committee meeting tonight. it was shocking to see such an array of people from differing backgrounds gathering in the same place for a common cause.
i'm not the volunteering type. never have been. tonight, however, i was selected as the sponsorship chairman for the 2007 denver heartwalk, my first foray into volunteering. though the responsibilities of my appointed chair are great, i'm actually looking forward to blasting expectations out of the water. it's an odd feeling for me, being passionate about something that doesn't directly benefit my wallet, but i'm confident the sense of dedication to the mission i felt tonight will carry through the event.
the meeting was informational at the very least, but i often found myself tuning out the conversations and falling into mini-flashbacks of my own experience. i wasn't so much focused on the event itself so much as all the emotions i've supressed since then in an effort to move on. i thought i'd done enough emotionally to completely put it past me. but hearing stories during our introductions of people having 2 valves replaced, a stroke, and 4 bypasses brought all the sentimentality rushing back.
with a lump in my throat for the duration of the hour and a half session, i listened as intently as i could as the coordinators and directors spoke of the new direction heartwalk was taking this year, as directed by AHA (american heart association). i was minimally excited, but largely inspired. it was an emotion i'd yet to truly experience in my life. and yet, i was being inspired only by the volunteers and the people whose jobs are solely to facilitate this event and nothing else. if such inspiration was to be had from merely sitting at a table with these people, i can only imagine the overwhelming sentinment that will be present june 2, 2007 as 8,000 people take to the streets to raise money for the treatment, education and prevention of heart disease--as i did last summer.
17 short days from now will mark the 1-year anniversary of my heart attack. i have no idea what my mood, thoughts and feelings will be that day. but if tonight was any indication, it'll likely be filled with tears, reflection, thanks, and hope. and through the wall of tears i'll finally see what this whole "making a difference and giving back" thing is all about. sigh.
i'm not the volunteering type. never have been. tonight, however, i was selected as the sponsorship chairman for the 2007 denver heartwalk, my first foray into volunteering. though the responsibilities of my appointed chair are great, i'm actually looking forward to blasting expectations out of the water. it's an odd feeling for me, being passionate about something that doesn't directly benefit my wallet, but i'm confident the sense of dedication to the mission i felt tonight will carry through the event.
the meeting was informational at the very least, but i often found myself tuning out the conversations and falling into mini-flashbacks of my own experience. i wasn't so much focused on the event itself so much as all the emotions i've supressed since then in an effort to move on. i thought i'd done enough emotionally to completely put it past me. but hearing stories during our introductions of people having 2 valves replaced, a stroke, and 4 bypasses brought all the sentimentality rushing back.
with a lump in my throat for the duration of the hour and a half session, i listened as intently as i could as the coordinators and directors spoke of the new direction heartwalk was taking this year, as directed by AHA (american heart association). i was minimally excited, but largely inspired. it was an emotion i'd yet to truly experience in my life. and yet, i was being inspired only by the volunteers and the people whose jobs are solely to facilitate this event and nothing else. if such inspiration was to be had from merely sitting at a table with these people, i can only imagine the overwhelming sentinment that will be present june 2, 2007 as 8,000 people take to the streets to raise money for the treatment, education and prevention of heart disease--as i did last summer.
17 short days from now will mark the 1-year anniversary of my heart attack. i have no idea what my mood, thoughts and feelings will be that day. but if tonight was any indication, it'll likely be filled with tears, reflection, thanks, and hope. and through the wall of tears i'll finally see what this whole "making a difference and giving back" thing is all about. sigh.
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