Heavy Heart

i think the worst is over. hopefuly it is. i had a heart attack 7 days ago on december 21st. i know, i can't believe it either. a week ago tonite i, a previously-in-good-health 26 year-old male suffered a myocardial infarction. i spent 3 lovely days in some dump hospital worthy of a third world country and returned home the day before christmas, only to go to a different hospital two days later....this time for periocarditis.

i'm now a walking pill box, but don't confuse this statement with a complaint. i'm happy and lucky to be alive. it was a pretty harrowing ordeal that has changed my life (read: diet, exercise, alcohol, tobacco, etc). ordinarily, i'd be loathe to give a blow-by-blow description of what happened, but given the circumstances, i think everyone would be better off hearing what exactly happened so they can look for signs of similar goings on in their lives. so.........

for a few days leading up to the heart attack (hereafter referred to as the "attack" or "event") i had been experiencing some tension just below my collar bone and some tightness in the windpipe. i thought maybe it was either a cold coming on or just some mild inflammation of my ribcage, which i'd had before. i started popping ibuprofen left and right and using a heating pad, which made it feel a little better.

through the weekend and into the beginning of the week, the pain got worse and worse. tuesday rolled around at work and i was in some serious pain at this point. i lost my breath by standing and the pain in my chest was damn near unbearable at times. i went home sick after visiting my GP (general practitioner for you healthy people that don't go to doctors) earlier in the afternoon. he checked me out, gave me an ekg, and surmised that the lining between my lungs and chest cavity had flared up for any number of reasons. solution: take 2000 mg of ibuprofen and call him 3 days if not better.

by that night, the pain grew greater, becoming a complete constriction of every muscle in my chest (think of how you feel when you pull a muscle. now multiply by every muscle in your body. yeah, it hurt that badly). my roommate took me to the ER where, after some testing, determined i was suffering an anxiety or stress attack--because there's no way a 26 year-old could possibly be having a heart attack.

i ate the anxiety pills given to me by the ER staff like candy, but with no results. figuring they'd take some time to work, i skipped work on wednesday to relax (since i got home from the ER at 4am). by wednesday night, there was no relief and i was getting worse. i became delirious, completely unaware of my surroundings. i vaguely remember laying on the couch and seeing double, but have no recollection of what i was seeing, who was there, or any conversations i may have been having. my ex was visiting (i think?) and took me back to the ER, whose staff FINALLY put the simple math together..... i was in fact having a heart attack.

i woke up in the hospital the next day with tubes and lines coming out of my arms, hooked up to every machine imagineable. oh, there was also a little matter of a significant pain in my groin (yes, the groin. not to be confused with the member). to circumvent the clogged artery, the cardiac surgeon inserted what's called a stent, which is a mesh titanium tube, in the artery.....through. my. fucking. groin.

after a couple of days recuperating, i was discharged and sent home, only to return to the hospital because of an inability to control my body temperature (severe night sweats, chills, etc.), which i found out to be caused by periocarditis, and inflammation of fluid around the heart.

so, i'm home now relaxing. i'm forbidden to drive, work, eat good food, or do, well, anything. my focus during this time is, naturally, to get better but also to re-learn how to eat properly. i'll be ok when all is said and done. i'm lucky.

it's cliche for someone suffering an affliction to become a champion of the cause when he or she recovers. cliches are "cliche" because they are true. so, as i continue to recover, i urge anyone reading this to visit their doctor in the near future and get checked out. if you smoke, stop. if you drink a lot, stop that too. and if you're a good, ole-fashioned pig that eats everything in sight with little apprehension, perhaps my ordeal will give you a little pause.

thanks to everyone for their prayers and support. it's really been helpful in getting through all this. to all good health, and to all a happy heart.

learn more here: http://www.americanheart.org

Daily Link

from MSN ('cause they always have the funnies): Bush: Leaking 'shameful'

scientific advancements have created drugs for this problem, while CPG specialists have developed what they call "wings" for a certain other leaking problem. look into it.

Who Dey?!?!?!

life as a bengals fan hasn't been very easy, to say the least, for most of my existence. in fact, i believe their last good season pre-dates nirvana, pearl jam, and the rest of the grunge movement. come to think of it, milli vanilli was still big the last time the bengals sniffed success.

fast forward to 2005. on the verge of their first playoff appearance in an epoch (i'm not exactly sure how long an epoch is, but i know it's really, really, really long), the bengals have come roaring out of the gates this year with a new attitude and a renewed sense of "who dey?!?!?" They got a new stadium a few years back, followed by a new coach, and finally, followed this year by some actual football players.

for those of you not jive enough to understand late '80s cincinnati slang, "who dey?!?!" was the bengals' answer to the '85 bears "super bowl shuffle." it was a really lame rap/song/slogan/garbage led by one ickey woods that basically went thusly: "who dey, who dey, who dey think gone beat dem bengals? where do they play? in tha jungle. afrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaid of nooooooooooooooobody!" yeah, pretty pathetic, but still catchy enough to spawn soft drink, candy bar, and clothing labels back in the day.

for the last 15 years, the franchise has been hard pressed to get asses in the seats (who could blame them) or real talent on the field (who could blame them?). these two items shouldn't be mutually exclusive. the ownership had been cheap and lacking in any real football operational knowledge. they kind of resembled then what the detroit lions look like now: a few good players from time to time, and several horrible signings/draft picks by a front office that makes decisions based on instant messenger conversations they have had with underaged girls, such as.....

"go get joey harrington, he's sooooo dreamy".

[an aside: the bengals' brass in the late '80s most likely didn't have instant messenger, since the advent of the internet was still a few years off. however, they're decisions were presumably made by the "IM" of the time, the magic 8 ball]

but this year is different. the club has a solid quarterback, a trash-talking (albiet abso-fucking-lutely hilarious) wide receiver, and several "role" guys that know what it takes to win. this year, they go into each game not hoping to not get blown out, but to win....a novel concept.

i am once again proud to be a bengals' fan. no longer do i have to pretend to watch other games at the bar while secretly rooting for the black and orange stripes. i proclaim loudly to anyone who'll listen where i come from and which is my team. after 15 loonnng, painful years, "WHO DEY?!?!?!?" think i'm gonna root for?

Torture

link of the day: from MSN-Bush, McCain reach torture deal.

that's the spirit, guys. you torture my back, i'll torture yours. classic.

So long, Tookie

tookie williams was executed last night, er, early this morning. whatever. i've composed an ode to an icon, a legend if you will, below.

so long tookie, old friend. your body may be gone, but your spirit and legacy live on in all of us. you did it the right way. you showed us the way, what it means to live a life that is true, meaningful, and good. you showed those innocent convenience store owners just how guilty they were for being in that store just at the same time you went to rob it. fucking tards. they should have known better. but you, my friend, taught them a lesson they'd not soon forget. you taught us all a lesson we'll never forget.

you were a visionary. creating a group of young men and women in LA so influential that no one could escape the fashion trends, the vigilantism and self rule of the streets you so proudly preached. in fact, i'll go as far to say that you are los angeles. you are everything right about that fair city. you taught us all how to survive, how to get what we need and want through honorable means.

you were, and still are, an inspiration. manson, gacy and the others couldn't hold a candle to you, to your prowess. the bloods aspired to be all that you and the crips were. imitation is the ultimate compliment, and many compliments have been paid your way. even today, on the day of your unjust passing, supporters such as actors and activists stood outside san quentin praying, marching, and hoping to persuade the terminator not to carry out his modus operandi. most who attended the vigil believe you've transformed yourself, bettered yourself through your writings, and repented. i ask how such a great man could possibly better himself, lest he be deified.

today, on the day following your passing, i mourn. i regret the loss our society has been dealt. i fear that the path of righteousness lit by your beacon has since become darkened. there will be an eternal hole in my soul, knowing that my guide, my inspiration, and my idol has been wronged. so, as a matter of closure, i'll end. goodbye my friend. you will not be forgotten and i will carry with me for the rest of my days the wisdom you've imparted upon me: do what's necessary, take what you want, destroy the meek, and long live the crips. amen.

Eye twitch

a simple post for a simple friday at work. my eye won't stop fucking twitching and it's driving me nuts. i've perused the internet for some information on the cause and, as expected, i've found conflicting information. some sites, and my colleagues as well, suggest it's due to an overabundance of stress. work has been hell lately. what, with my boss leaving and thrice the normal project load falling on my shoulders. nevertheless, stress could be it.

it could also be lack of sleep, as suggested by other sites. the latter seems equally plausible, seeing as how i average only 6 hours of sleep per night. however, i've not been one to get more than 6 hours of sleep since joining the chain gang, er, work force.

so, what's the answer. easy: who fucking cares. just make my eye stop twitching, damnit! it's going to result in my death by car accident or a coworker's death by a pen-stabbing.

Common Courtesy

i was walking into my corporate prison, er, office building this morning with my daily cup o' joe in hand. approaching the double doors at the entrance, also known as the "Gates of Hell," i arrived with another condemned soul (an older gentleman roughly twice my age. poor guy). the simultaneous arrival was awkward, as neither of us were particularly inclined to open the door at first, but seconds later arrived at the decision to open the door....again at the same time.

i backed off a bit and let the old man do the honors. i followed him into the buffer area between the dual sets of doors (hereafter called the "netherland"). i politely thanked him for opening the first door for me, to which he offered a forced "you're welcome." as he reached for the second set of doors, i froze. not out of fear of entering the building and heading upstairs to my slave job as you might expect. rather, i froze from apprehension about thanking him yet again. i quickly decided to mumble a "thank you" under my breath, still not quite sure if it was appropriate.

this non-incident got me thinking. is it common courtesy to thank someone for opening 2 sets of doors? is it overkill and unnecessary? or is it rude to not "double thank?" after much deliberation (during my 3-floor elevator trip---upward, ironically), i've concluded that the second "thank you" should be assumed by the door opener if the openee had, in fact, offered the thanks in the first place. if the opener doesn't have the wherewithall to assume the second thanks, well, then they didn't deserve it in the first place.

so, there you have it. the next time 2 sets of doors are opened for you, only offer 1 "thank you." consider it a 2-for-1 deal. that's a bargain! just watch out for revolving doors. that can be a sticky situation.

LIFO

it's nice to be back from the holiday break. now i need a vacation. it's funny how visiting the family for 5 days can take so much out of you, even when you didn't really do, well, anything. i did, however, have much time to think about the simple things in life and how to improve them.

during the many hours i spent in an airport or on an airplane, i've come to conclude that the manner in which airlines board their passengers needs a small, yet fundamental change. and i think accountants are the ones that have already solved the problem.

the issue here is that for those of us not privileged to fly first class (instead relegated to a $700 coach seat. ouch!), boarding a plane is quite the lengthy process. not so much getting on the plane, but rather how much time is spent sitting idly by waiting for take off and conversely, how much more time is spent waiting to get off.

i had the misfortune of being seated at the back of the plane on each leg of my trip. not a racially motivated segregation, but one of class and privilege. but i digress. to continue, i waited, like everyone else, to get off the plane when we reached our destination. however, my wait was sufficiently longer than everyone else's due to the fact i was in the last. fucking. row.

so, here's the solution to the problem known as the waiting game: LIFO. yes, my accounting friends, i said "LIFO." last in, first out. 1st class fliers will always be the chosen few to be seated and exit first. but they are few in numbers and the greater concern is with the numerically superior coach passengers.

i think moving forward, airlines should continue seating by "zones," as it seems to be the most efficient means of getting everyone on and getting on our way. however, coach passengers assigned seating toward the front of the plane should board first. passengers at the back will board last. the process will be reversed upon arrival at said destination. it equals out waiting times and everyone is happy. now, if we can just do something about $700 coach fare. that's a different story.

RANT: To The Black Jack Pizza Guy

dear black jack pizza guy:

you and your coworkers all suck, and i hope you get fired from your insanely meaningless jobs. you are a disgrace to the already-disgraced customer service industry. why must you all be such dicks each and every time i, my roommate, or the homeless guy that sleeps in my dumpster call?

if i've lost you, dear pizza-order-taker-guy, i'm not surprised. you and your coworkers are what we intellectuals (hell, even normal people) call "fucking morons." if you've still yet to piece together what i'm talking about, let me remind you:

for some odd reason, when i call to order a hot, cheesy pizza, you are more concerned about sounding like a hard ass and worrying about how much extra you will charge me for using various forms of payment. unfortunately for me, the few times i've actually been able to complete a transaction with you, you've fucked up my order, presumably because you were so giddy to rip me off that you forgot that i hate olives. and anchovies. and fucking mushrooms. you goddamn idiot.

i'd ask you to explain to me how on one day your store gladly will accept my debit card, which is the 21st century's easiest form of payment (haven't you heard ANY of the commericals? christ!), and the next you want to charge me more for using it, but i hate you too much to form the words.

as if your illegal pricing activities aren't enough of an aggravation, the next time i called, you told me you didn't even accept debit or credit cards. were you kidding the first time when you did take it? if so, that's a funny joke, fucktard. so, as i wonder aloud on the phone how it is that your store survives as the only business in america that does not accept debit cards, you take your usual "i'm a cock, but i'm better than you" attitude and tell me that you've never accepted them to begin with and that your biz is going just fine, click. i bet it is.

we've called your corporate offices to complain. they said they were very concerned and will "look into it." apparently, there is a reason that they are in corporate, and you toss dough for a living....they're better liars than you are. they know full well that the little people like us don't have the time, energy, or resources to take on a corporate entity, even if what they're doing is illegal. however, that doesn't preclude me from making your life miserable.

if you start receiving faxes (you DO have a fax machine, right, luddite?) with boorish language, or prank calls to deliver somewhere that doesn't exist, or orders for items you don't carry...you'll know it's me, you wretched, imbeclic, moron. you can't like tossing dough for a living as it is. but your disregard for service to your customers, especially lying to them and illegally charging them more for the same items than you charge others, has led me on a conquest to make your "job" your personal hell. i hope you rot there. i'll save you a seat, sweetie.

Ok, So We Can't All Be Genius

so, naturally, there are those of us that are simply smarter than others. though the information below is in no way indicative my intellect, i did find the underlying theme interesting....no matter what order the interior letters of a word are in, the human mind pieces the word puzzle together to allow a person to read the jumble. give it a whirl, you'll feel like einstein, jr.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt..

yeah, i couldn't believe it either. thanks cambridge.

Criminal Education

as the bush administration continues to push it's alleged education program ("no child left behind" and other programs for higher ed.), college students and future students stand by idly as they are pillaged by the so-called leaders of education.

a recent article from CNN.com cites a new study by the chronicle of higher education that discovered that in 2004, 5 presidents of private american colleges and univerisities earned more than $1 million in annual compensation, and that over 50 had earned more than $500,000 (cnn.com 14, november). more disturbing is the study's findings of 139 public institutions. they found that

-23 will have total compensation packages topping $500,000 this year, up 35 percent
from a year ago.
-Another 30 will get between $400,000 and $499,999 in compensation.
-And the median compensation for the post is $360,000.

states and the federal government are currently running an enormous budget deficit. to combat the imbalance, essential programs and funding are often cut in an effort to bring the budget to equilibrium. naturally, higher education funding (i.e. scholarships, grants, and loans) are among those programs being cut.

so, if state agencies and the federal government do not have enough money to help fund their education programs that would, presumably, allow millions of deserving students to attend college, how is it that the politicians who oversee such programs can stand on the sidelines watching as college presidents' earnings increase year after year after year, while more and more students are priced out of an educational opportunity? it's an education in criminality.

politicians are almost exclusively of backgrounds of the elite. their parents went to college and had money. their grandparents came from money. and now, they are in the money and only associate with those of similar financial concerns. it may not be against the law, but it certainly goes against ethical standards that help determine what's best for you, for me, and for us.

the issue here isn't that politicians (read: bush administration and cronies) are concerned with helping people go to college. they're concerned with helping the right people go to college, which means elite, financially well-to-dos that can afford, with a little help, to put yet more money in the coffers of these academic tyrants.

in the post-enron era of corporate accountability, why is there not an equal standard for those in our government? why is systematic segregation based on socio-economic standing permitted? the rich get richer, the poor get dumber. it's a major problem with an easy solution:

Genius Solution:

sign into law earnings ceilings for administrators of public institutions. (athletes call this a "salary cap"). the ceiling can take the form of a small percentage of the total annual budget, or a fixed rate adjusted for cost of living. whichever the case, it should be standard across the board, at least for those in public institutions.

though this will not solve budgetary issues at a state or federal level, it will, over time, allow more funds to be available from, say, a general scholarship fund. over a number of years, the dollars that would have been going directly to the administrators' pocketbooks will be back where the belong, in the pockets of students and their families.


Read the entire article here: http://money.cnn.com/2005/11/11/pf/college/college_president_pay/index.htm?cnn=yes

Genius Thought - Uber Christians

okay, so this week i had the privilege of watching "trading spouses" on fox. yes, it actually was the first time i've ever seen it, and more than likely the last as well. so you know, i'm not a fan of anything fox, especially fox "news."

THE INTRO
there i was, bored on a worknight, surfing the 800,000 channels provided me by my overpriced cable carrier. thankfully, it only took 13 clicks to find something to pique my interest. on my screen, i saw the teaser of all teasers: an overly, um, large (?) woman, with a gigantic gap in her teeth was raving about "gargiles" (sic) and dark-sidedness. i was instantly hooked.

THE BACKGROUND
trading spouses, it seems, makes its niche by swapping mothers of completely mismatched families. in our case here, we find a sweet, quiet, loving hypnotherapist/astrologist mother on the west coast sent to mother a family located about 6 inches from hell (lousiana....hell is actually located in mississippi if my geography is correct). her counterpart, the aforementioned wildebeest, is an uber christian from louisiana who's only saving grace in life is that her husband is at least marginally normal.

THE PLOT
astrology mom arrives in lousiana, meets her new family, and quickly sets out on a quest to become part of her new family, if only for a week. she takes the daughters shopping, has meaningful conversations at the dinner table, and not once mentions anything resembling her religious (or non-religious) beliefs.

fast forward 2 minutes to hippo mom arriving on the west coast. from the instant she waddles in the front door, she, too, has embarked on a journey--a mission, some would call it. the children of the family were perfectly normal, save that they don't believe in jesus. they're active, intelligent, well-mannered, and any other superlative one could put on them.

the raging christian hippo proceeds, over the course of the ensuing 30 min, to preach to the entire family of the virtues of christ, all the while justifying her childish temper tantrums with "i've never seen or met people like these." that's because whales are not easily transported across state lines.

THE THOUGHTS
i'd go into more detail of the show, but i'm afraid i may shit myself from laughing so hard. if you missed it, find someone that tivo-ed it and go to their house. you won't be sorry. This show, however, brings me to many fascinating points; only a few of which i'll touch on now.

for all his conservative ways, rupert "i'm the anti-jewish jew" murdoch sure knows how to peddle smut. the shows on fox tv are the complete antithesis of everything his "news" channel stands for. the shows on fox are littered with sexual references, religious intolerance, conspiracy, and other lewd topics. come to think of it, that's exactly what fox "news" has too. i stand corrected, and i digress. rupert is a dick.

the larger context of this, though, is that even though this enormous christian she-beast is a parody of herself, she unfortunately represents a large sect of citizenry here in the us: the uber christian.

the uber christian is a christian whose belief in jesus is so deep, so profound, that jesus himself is looking into the possibility of a restraining order. they tend not only to believe that jesus is the answer to everything, including jeopardy questions, but that they have part of jesus in them. gross. the very idea of a lucid, secular thought brings them to tears and elicits accusations of "dark-sided"ness. the uber christian is the first to tell you you're going to hell, and the last to realize that you'll see them there.

these "spiritual warriors," who pride themselves on waging war against all beliefs non-christian, have unknowingly waged war against christianity itself. their crusade to convert all non-believers is an affront to the christian tenet of tolerance. and their hatred of homosexuals, metrosexuals, and gary busey flies in the face of the "love thy neighbor" commandment.

the long and short of it is that the uber christian is not a christian. the uber christian is a bastard. the uber christian is a bastard that continues to bastardize the religion they so proudly proclaim to be part of. and they must be stopped.

GENIUS SOLUTION:

save yourself from the wrath of the uber christian and buy a gargoyle. they love 'em.

First Random Posting

Hello soon-to-be minion, and welcome to my new spot in cyberspace. i don't have much to contribute today, but stay tuned and check back often for your meaty nuggets of genius.

Random Headline of the day:

From MSN.com - Jordan fingers al-Qaida in Iraq

Never realized they were so close.

-Jeanyus