Remember that dream where you're falling?

yeah, well, mine came true. after 2 full years of riding consistently and often, i had my first crash on saturday. my friends all told me it would happen someday. i just didn't think it'd be my first ride of the season. just for the record, it fucking sucked. a lot. could have been worse, since i wasn't going that fast (approx. 15 mph), but i lost some skin and sprain a wrist. good thing i had a dorky helmet on...since i slammed my head on the pavement. that was fun. falling sucks. not recommended. don't do it.

It's Late and I'm Pissed

so, i'm at the neighborhood corporate coffee shop plugging away at impossible math questions, ridiculous sentence corrections and horrifically boring reading comprehension questions. GMAT is 7 days away and i'm getting in some final study prep. 3 hours into a practice exam, my script goes completely haywire and crashes my system....losing ALL of the work i'd done. so i don't even know how i was doing, didn't get any type of score, and have to redo it tomorrow. sometimes i really fucking hate technology. t-minus 7 days till i get my life back. bastard admissions people.

Delicamessin'

why do the people at the deli counter insist on wrapping the zip lock part of the bag underneath the price sticker? is it because they know that when you try to open the bag by slowly ripping off the sticker that it'll rip your entire bag? maybe it's a conspiracy. or they're trained to do it to increase revenue. yeah, that's it. they do it so that as soon as you rip open the bag of whatever lunchmeat or cheese you just purchased, you'll have only a few days before you have to run right back because your stuff has spoiled. sneaky deli man. never trust anyone with a meat slicer.

A Vote for Myspace

while visiting the preferred website of people ages 14-33, i noticed that there were some "cool new people" that have joined the network recently. they looked oddly familiar, if not a bit too old for the demographic, and had some pretty cool monikers like "bill," "mitt," and "barack." i thought that was interesting.

every refresh of the homepage saw another politician trying to fit in make the "cool new people" list. i'm sure some of these guys are pretty cool if you get to know them. problem is, i don't want to. it's amazing the levels these jackasses will go to to pander to the voters. not that this is a new idea or anything, but if bill richardson, mitt romney and my presidential fave, obama, think that by getting on myspace and adding 34,976,658 friends will have an impact on my vote, then they should be drafting up the termination papers for their campaign advisors.

i don't want to be your friend, politicos. i find you as a group to be disgusting, sleazy, and pathetic enough without you infiltrating my virtual social playground (believe it or not, i used to have a real-life social playground. now it's more of just a social jungle gym without the gravel below to cushion any fall).

no, what i want you to do is stop trying to be hip and innovative in your quest for the 1600 pennsylvania address and campaign like a real politician should: go out and raise ungodly amounts of money from the sheep who will believe anything you say, and spend it on attack ads, newspaper ads, special appearances in other venues i'd prefer not to see you in (save an appearance on "real time with bill maher" because i'm confident in his ability to make them uncomfortable and challenge them on certain points. it's funny watching politicians backpedal), and then make tons of promises you can't keep.

in short, i want you to take the traditional route in making me despise you just a little less than the other candidates. invading myspace has made me hate you just a little more, because now there's not a shred of evidence to counter the idea that there's nothing you people won't do to secure a vote.

the funniest part of this to me is how many more democrats are on there than republicans, given that the site is owned by sleazeball supreme, rupert murdoch, and his band of merry propagandists. but that's another story for another time. for now, end rant.

The Best Job Ever

dear station manager,

this letter is to inform you of my interest in filling your need for a chief meteorologist/weather anchor. though there is no formal posting for the position, i am fairly certain that after this weekend's debacle, there surely will be one come monday, and i simply want to be ahead of the pack.

while i may not possess the classical training or skills of most weathermen, i feel i'm certainly as unqualified for the position as your current staff is, and can bring tremendous value to your station since my salary demands (high 5 figures) are significantly lower than their current pay grade (low 6 figures). for example, had i been the one to completely botch this weekend's forecast, predicting upwards of 18 inches of snow--prompting flight cancellations at the airport--only to be followed by clear skies and 65 degrees, think of how much your station could have saved. you'd be a hero in the eyes of the corporate executives. meanwhile,the ratings would be through the roof since your female viewers would want to be with me, while your male viewers would, naturally, want to be me. what does that add up to? more money for the station via increased ad revenues and thus, more "bang" for your buck.

in conclusion, i feel that i'd be a tremendous asset to the weather team and make the station even more financially successful that it already is. undoubtedly you seek a team player who can savagely butcher a forecast without hesitation or apprehension. simply stated, you're looking for me. please review my lack of qualifications and feel free to contact me at the phone number or email address listed atop my resume.

sincerely,

JY

The Cornfield: Don Ho

no, not nappy headed ho. "tiny bubbles" don ho passed away today at 76 years of age. yet another victim of heart disease. rest in peace, bra'.

Upon Further Review

....my performance review will only be about 2 weeks later than the stated date. which is also about 3 months later than originally expected. i will, however, be getting a raise before my review is even complete. only time (next payday) will tell how much i'm getting. suffice it to say it won't be nearly what i'm worth. but, hey, at least she's not the only one that kicks ass at her job.

i'm thinking that since my review is so late, i'll charge the company interest for every business day that it's late beyond the stated date. so, by my records, by the time it actually will occur, i'll be getting at least another 5k added on. that'll be nice...cuz i'm worth it. yeah, that'll work.

To Every Season...Turn the Channel!

i love ESPN. i love sports. it's common knowledge at this point that i'll watch most every sport, with a few notable exceptions. if i could only have 5 tv channels the rest of my life, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network would top the list. but lately, the worldwide leader has done some really annoying shit...like mix up the sports seasons.

look, it's april, okay? college basketball just ended, the nba is mercifully winding down, and the national pasttime is heating up (except in cleveland, where they got 10 inches of snow. ha ha.). so why does ESPN insist on scheduling NFL primetime every night? unless i missed something, i'm pretty certain that the last meaningful NFL game was played in february (no, the pro bowl doesn't count. it's a lame excuse for rich guys to get a free trip to hawaii. 'cause they really need it). so why the incessant coverage? sure, the draft is "exciting." but when this ridiculous coverage started, it was also more than a month away.

meanwhile, baseball's opening day got some dap. it got some tv coverage from the family of networks. and, of course, baseball tonight--the world's greatest show--premiered (why BBTN had to wait till opening day to premiere, while NFL primetime gets started 6 months early is beyond me). it used to be that each sport had a nightly recap show that got its own hour. NFL primetime, BBTN, NBA fastbreak and a few others (is NHL tonight still around?). this season, however, they cut the NBA and MLB shows to 40 minutes, and gave NFL primetime the leftover 40. what the hell?

this would make perfect sense if we were talking about the NFL Network. ya know, 'cause they kind of have to. the league's name is on the network for cripe's sake. but ESPN, the "worldwide leader in sports?" c'mon.

the NFL is all well and good. i like it (though i still prefer saturday football to sunday football. something about passion and pride just seems to win out for me over money), but for fuck's sake, if it's the offseason, limit your coverage to, oh here's a novel idea, breaking news! like when mike vick decides he can't wait to get home to smoke his weed and wants to carry some on the plane. or when one of my bengals gets arrested in an attempt to set some sort of world record. but the draft? how many different ways can you say that jamarcus russell has a great arm (not that it matters, the raiders will find a way to fuck him up)?

yeah, it's impressive russell can throw a ball 50 yards from his ass, or that brett far vrah is coming back for a 17th season and is going to break some records. but can't this wait till, oh, september when it actually matters? or better yet, right before it happens so we can enjoy the other "major" sports in the world?

there are no fewer than 4 ESPN channels (plus ABC on weekends). you'd think they could find SOME time during the week to cover the sports that are actually in season. novel idea, indeed.

Late Night Review: The Lookout

usually, "psychological thrillers" and charcter dramas are contrived, forced and utter rip-offs of their predecessors. they're often unimaginative, unoriginal and simply ordinary. the premise has been overdone, the plot poorly planned, the script uninspired, and the acting is something straight out of a collegiate drama course. the exception to the rule is "the lookout."

i'm not sure where to begin with a description that will do the film justice. jeff daniels will win an award of some sort for his supporting role--where he belongs. and his portrayal of his blind-man character who befriends a former high school star athlete (joseph gordon levitt) who'd suffered severe brain trauma in an auto accident is nothing short of stellar.

the characters' relationship isn't the standard mentor/pupil dynamic. it's a much deeper bond, a true friendship despite their difference in age and background. they look out for one another, and work together to overcome their various disabilities.

naive and lacking the mental capacity to see through the feaux friendship forged with bank heist ring leader, gary (matthew goode), levitt's "chris" gets caught up in a not-so-complex scheme to rob the bank for which he works.

throughout the film, levitt battles flashbacks of his accident, the frustrations of his handicaps, and often struggles with the need for instant gratification the wrong way vs. achieving long term goals the right way. goode's performance is so convincing and true, that it's easy to see how this dilemma becomes so pressing. he's everything a villain should be, but without the typical trappings directors add in to remind the audience he's the bad guy.

the violence is kept to a minimum. there aren't any explosions, and only a handful of gunshots. this is a near-perfect mix of character drama, crime/heist, and suspense. the plot and premise are unique and buck the trend of the high speed chases and large explosions usually associated with heist movies. the script is suspenseful and intense, but with spots of pure humor (provided by daniels, of course) thrown in and the acting all around gives depth to the characters--just as good acting should. "the lookout" is easily one of the best movies released in a long time, and now ranks alongside "the usual suspects" as one of my personal faves. critics give it two thumbs up and a few stars. i give it a solid "A."

March sadness brings April gladness

march madness is almost over. another year, another busted bracket. thanks arron afflalo for not heeding my plea not to suck. and thanks roy hibbert, acie law, and the entire oral roberts team for choking when i needed you the most.

ncaa tourney time is both the greatest, most disappointing, and then greatest again time of the year for me, speaking strictly in terms of sports. i love the excitement of the first two rounds, when cinderellas and wannabes step up to the big boys. some slay goliath (thanks VCU) and some come up juuuuust a bit short (seriously, hometown Xavier, how on earth do you blow a game like that?!?!). but as quickly as the buzz comes, it goes away, always waiting till next year when my bearcats remember that they're actually a D-1 basketball program. and just when march turns into sheer disappointment, i remember that april is lurking in the shadows, waiting to erase the sadness the previous month had brought.

for all intents and purposes, the college basketball season is over for me and now, so is the month of march. i really don't care who wins monday night. instead, my march bracket sadness is giving away to my april baseball gladness. my beloveds on the north side of chicago open the season tomorrow in the city of my birth, and for the next 7 months, i'll follow every win (few), loss (many) and injury (infinite) my team endures. i'll pray for rain when we're behind, an opposing injury when we're ahead, and for a miracle to reach the series. i'll tell everyone to wait till next year when, once again, we come up painfully short. i'll pick my b-team to root for in lieu of my boys in blue. and i'll get ready to do it all over again next april, once my march sadness has subsided.

oh yeah, the shield, sopranos and entourage all return this week too. welcome to april, the month of gladness.