Genius Thought - Uber Christians

okay, so this week i had the privilege of watching "trading spouses" on fox. yes, it actually was the first time i've ever seen it, and more than likely the last as well. so you know, i'm not a fan of anything fox, especially fox "news."

THE INTRO
there i was, bored on a worknight, surfing the 800,000 channels provided me by my overpriced cable carrier. thankfully, it only took 13 clicks to find something to pique my interest. on my screen, i saw the teaser of all teasers: an overly, um, large (?) woman, with a gigantic gap in her teeth was raving about "gargiles" (sic) and dark-sidedness. i was instantly hooked.

THE BACKGROUND
trading spouses, it seems, makes its niche by swapping mothers of completely mismatched families. in our case here, we find a sweet, quiet, loving hypnotherapist/astrologist mother on the west coast sent to mother a family located about 6 inches from hell (lousiana....hell is actually located in mississippi if my geography is correct). her counterpart, the aforementioned wildebeest, is an uber christian from louisiana who's only saving grace in life is that her husband is at least marginally normal.

THE PLOT
astrology mom arrives in lousiana, meets her new family, and quickly sets out on a quest to become part of her new family, if only for a week. she takes the daughters shopping, has meaningful conversations at the dinner table, and not once mentions anything resembling her religious (or non-religious) beliefs.

fast forward 2 minutes to hippo mom arriving on the west coast. from the instant she waddles in the front door, she, too, has embarked on a journey--a mission, some would call it. the children of the family were perfectly normal, save that they don't believe in jesus. they're active, intelligent, well-mannered, and any other superlative one could put on them.

the raging christian hippo proceeds, over the course of the ensuing 30 min, to preach to the entire family of the virtues of christ, all the while justifying her childish temper tantrums with "i've never seen or met people like these." that's because whales are not easily transported across state lines.

THE THOUGHTS
i'd go into more detail of the show, but i'm afraid i may shit myself from laughing so hard. if you missed it, find someone that tivo-ed it and go to their house. you won't be sorry. This show, however, brings me to many fascinating points; only a few of which i'll touch on now.

for all his conservative ways, rupert "i'm the anti-jewish jew" murdoch sure knows how to peddle smut. the shows on fox tv are the complete antithesis of everything his "news" channel stands for. the shows on fox are littered with sexual references, religious intolerance, conspiracy, and other lewd topics. come to think of it, that's exactly what fox "news" has too. i stand corrected, and i digress. rupert is a dick.

the larger context of this, though, is that even though this enormous christian she-beast is a parody of herself, she unfortunately represents a large sect of citizenry here in the us: the uber christian.

the uber christian is a christian whose belief in jesus is so deep, so profound, that jesus himself is looking into the possibility of a restraining order. they tend not only to believe that jesus is the answer to everything, including jeopardy questions, but that they have part of jesus in them. gross. the very idea of a lucid, secular thought brings them to tears and elicits accusations of "dark-sided"ness. the uber christian is the first to tell you you're going to hell, and the last to realize that you'll see them there.

these "spiritual warriors," who pride themselves on waging war against all beliefs non-christian, have unknowingly waged war against christianity itself. their crusade to convert all non-believers is an affront to the christian tenet of tolerance. and their hatred of homosexuals, metrosexuals, and gary busey flies in the face of the "love thy neighbor" commandment.

the long and short of it is that the uber christian is not a christian. the uber christian is a bastard. the uber christian is a bastard that continues to bastardize the religion they so proudly proclaim to be part of. and they must be stopped.

GENIUS SOLUTION:

save yourself from the wrath of the uber christian and buy a gargoyle. they love 'em.