Treason: The Dennis Miller Story

there was a time when all my favorite comedians, many considered icons, were on the same page. lewis black, bill maher, george carlin, and dennis miller were always the voices of my conscience. they wove the topics of sex, drugs, politics, and gender issues into a quilt of laughter. until recently.

long ago, george left us. not physically, since he's still alive. but mentally. old man's lost it. went crazy, and his most recent HBO special was among the worst "comedy" shows i've ever seen. it was so bad that i even have to use the "" around the word comedy to emphasize the point. so lewis, bill, and a few newcomers like dane cook continued to carry the load, entertaining me with insight and humor. dennis, however, is a traitor.

i'm a staunch democrat. not because i actually like any of the people in the party, but because i like many of their ideals. and they're not republicans. so maybe i'm just a staunch liberal. though i think barack obama should be made king if for no other reason than his DNC speech in '04. anyway, to get back on topic, these comedians were always the bastion of liberal thinking. nothing was off limits and the conservatives were always wrong. just like they always are.

dennis, however, went astray. i believe he was kidnapped by a conservative think-tank and anally probed to insert a microchip in his brain forcing him to recite certain propagandous, conservative messaging. over the past several years i could just feel dennis creeping to ever so slightly to the right. tonight, my suspicions were confirmed when i caught dennis' latest HBO special from vegas. dennis is a conservative.

after years of reading all his books, following his stand up act, and dutifully watching "the dennis miller show," i've been betrayed and want retribution. miller should be tried for treason, as it's obvious to anyone with a brain (read: liberal) that he is a traitor. i will watch gleefully from my couch, with my low-fat popcorn and diet soda, as dennis, anne coulter, and bill o'reilly sit before a congressional hearing for treason. though the committee will undoubtedly find them not guilty of any real treason, they will impose stiff fines and punishment for stupidity, which will be a federal crime when barack takes office and signs it into law.

in addition to being forced to donate money to the pro-choice cause and coerced into championing the gay marriage issue, they will also be losing out on a lot of money, since stupidity (or "conservatism" as i call it) will be outlawed and no one will be permitted to read, watch, or listen to any of the bullshit they once spewed. their pocketbooks will hurt as much as their pride and it'll be perfect justice for me; because, dennis has betrayed me. and now he must suffer.

fuck off, flip-flopper.