it used to be that my birthday, any birthday really, was a huge event. when i was young there were parties...but i didn't have clowns. i hate clowns. that clown from "it" scared me shitless and....oh, tangent. back to the point. i had birthday parties. my friends had them too. high school was mostly just hanging out with friends, having dinner with the parents, or whatever i felt like doing that particular day.
college was a completely different story, at least from what i can remember of it. my 21st was epic, like most would claim theirs to be as well. i actually had my first cavity filled the morning of my 21st, and spent the rest of the night in a complete drunken stupor. fantastic is how i'd describe it. the 2 or 3 years following graduation were fun too. usually spent at a bar in chicago, i'd go out till all hours of the night and end up calling into work the next day.
today is my birthday. i'm not sure if it's the sobering experiences i've had in the last 3 or 4 months, the fact that the weather is shitty on my "special" day for the first time in my memory, or the fact that i have so fewer friends here than i ever imagined i would, but today doesn't feel special. it feels like a monday. any monday.
i went to work today, to a job i hate incidentally, and went through the motions of what i perceive to be doing a good job. there were the obligatory "happy birthday"s from people that don't really care, and phone calls and emails from those that do. i got some money, as is the custom on march 20th, because for some reason i hate receiving gifts. but when i got home, i found only my dogs waiting to be taken out and an empty calendar, devoid of the watering hole activities i've grown accustomed to.
it's odd to think, but there's a battle going on in my head about what today really means. on one hand, it's very depressing to me that i don't have enough friends or enough knowledge of the area to go out and have a good time. and i've become an old fart, since i no longer care to go out till even 11pm on a weeknight, knowing i'll have to be up early for work. and it's equally saddening to think back to the days when my birthday was such a blast and the stark contrast in which they stand compared to today.
on the other hand, birthdays are just like any other day. or so i tell myself. today is monday. tomorrow is tuesday. same thing with a different spelling. i got up, went to work, came home. tomorrow i'll get up, go to work, and come home. really the only difference is that tomorrow i won't have anyone wishing me a happy anniversary of my birth, which i'm totally fine with.
what irks me is that the transformation from day of drunken fun and irresponsibility to day of regularity and mundane tasks came and went without so much as a hint that it was coming. at what point does your birthday become just another day? is there a standard number of years on earth where when you reach it you just stop caring?
it could be that i'll celebrate this weekend with some friends and have the time then i thought i'd have tonight. or, it could be that i won't do anything at all but sit back and reflect on how shitty the past 4 months have been and how i'm just grateful to even have another chance to celebrate the fact that i'm alive. for the past 26 years, 364 days of my life, i never cared, never even thought of expressing gratitude on a day supposedly dedicated to receiving attention.
today is different. i received a card each from my parents and from my grandmother. i've never been one to read the cards, but rather rip open the envelope and see how much money i got. today i read them. and then i broke down in tears. this birthday, though not nearly as entertaining as the others, is certainly more memorable. i guess this is growing up.
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3 comments:
Yep...and such is life. Good effin' post. Sounds like you're learning a lot of the exact same stuff I have FINALLY been enlightened to over the past year.
I AM NOT as cool and important as I ever thought. In the past, I expected every person I came across to tell me how great I am. These days I tend to focus on expressing appreciation for, and actually being of service to, a few close friends and always most importantly, my immediate family. Selfishness and self-centeredness have always been the root to all my problems. It really was an extraordinary experience the day I realized the world doesn't revolve around me. The fact that I can outwardly admit that is a quite a step.
I also stopped thinking too much. Most of my misery (and depression) was completely self-manufactured. I would be upset at a situation that never even happened outside of my head.
And, oh yeah...learning that drugs and alcohol only worsened my character defects kind of helped too.
And the most significant contributor to figuring out WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME was the discovery and belief that some sort of entity greater than me is indeed present. Shocking, I know. And being the closest friend I have, you knew that only a year ago, I was quite a staunch agnostic-atheist. In fact, if someone told me they put their faith into some type of God, I would either shake my head and laugh in their face, or, argue with them until they were in tears...commencing to question their beliefs. (Wow...I'm really going on a tangent.)
So, back to your ultimate quesiton. : At what point does your birthday become just another day? Is there a standard number of years on earth where when you reach it you just stop caring? My response is that I don't think it has much to do about birthdays at all. I honestly believe it has to do with the stuff I described above.
Am I actually the authentic Jean Yus? Ohhhhh, boyyyyyy. Or, am I simply growing up (finally)...reaching a point of maturity that most civilized people reach at some point in adulthood? Though, at times I'd like to believe I've a level of comprehension unlike no other human, I'd have to say the former is false.
Humbleness, mixed with healthy doses of humility = Internal enlightenment.
And now, you've heard the rest of the story.
Happy birthday, dick weed.
I don't think I'm the right person to offer advice on b-days. I love celebrating them...for others. I haven't allowed others to do anything for me in some 12 years. Although, I given in a couple times for others' sakes and done some low-key celebrating. And I do appreciate their efforts and thoughts.
Anyway, it's just another day. Maybe you can pick a random day in the near future and enjoy it like a b-day. Invite out those who you do know in the area and celebrate life, or something like it. -- Word to yo' mutha.
My advice is this: a job that allows you to not work on your birthday. For example, my b-day is July 15th and I am a teacher. Some people have holiday related birthdays, such as July 4th or Dec. 25th or Jan. 1st.
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