You can't do it, and we won't help

if there was ever a moment when i have been truly embarrassed to be a part of the marketing/advertising industry, tonite was it. we've all long known that customer service in our country as eroded in a not-so-subtle manner over the past generation. it's also been understood that during the slide of customer attentiveness, advertisers and marketers have become less messengers and more spin doctors, aiming to shed positive light on the increasingly negative feeling consumers have when entering their local stores.

the spin-meister marketers are employed to create slogans, tag lines, and messaging to ingratiate themselves with potential buyers; to create a warm and fuzzy feeling deep within the consumer, as it were. take, for instance, home depot. surely everyone has heard the "you can do it, we can help" campaign the big box retailer has been espousing the past couple of years. tonite i found out that it is truly all about the spin.

this past weekend i went looking for a grill for my patio. i had little luck finding something adequate and in my price range, and i ended up settling on a little number from target of all places. unfortunately, in my haste to get a-bar-b-queing, i paid virtually no attention to the fact i'd just plunked down some dough for a charcoal grill--a no no in dry-ass, "we've got forest fires all over the damn place" colorado. more unfortunate still was the fact that i hadn't noticed any of this until i'd gotten the grill home, which, incidentally, was after i'd shelled out $47 for a tank of propane (and you thought regular unleaded was expensive? that's $3.13 a gallon!).

thankfully, the people at target were understanding and glad to refund my money on the grill, for which i'd thrown out the box and the receipt. i figured a 15-gallon tank of propane gas wouldn't be an issue. wrong.

i walked into the "we can help" store with my unopened, fully stocked tank of gas and waited patiently in line at the returns counter. upon seeing my tank of gas, the foreign girl at the counter freaked out, as if i were threatening to blow up her store with my highly flammable liquid fuel. she and her manager rushed my tank outside the store and placed it with the 50 other tanks.....10 feet from the entrance of the store. much safer i'm sure. nevertheless, i walked up to the counter with credit card and license in hand eager to get my much-needed money back. before i could even open my mouth to explain what i needed, the girl looked at me and flatly said, "no." i replied that she didn't know what i was going to say, to which her response was some barely-audible version of "we don't accept returns on propane."

i tore the return policy notice next to her counter off the pole it was taped to, put it on the counter, and asked her to point to where it says they can't accept this type of return. and before she could mention that i didn't have a receipt, i read aloud the section that clearly states that if a purchase was made on a credit or debit card, the purchase would be looked up in the system in the instance that the customer does not have a receipt present.

apparently stunned by my super-human abilities to read, write, and speak english, the clerk called for her manager with nary a word nor hesitation. her redneck supervisor, one of 3 on duty "managers," showed up about 5 minutes later and asked for a briefing. he agreed to refund my money and asked for the card with which i made the purchase. again, without hesitation, the "manager"looked at my card and gave me a half-assed "nope."

"nope? what do you mean, 'nope?'" i asked.
"i can't do it. i'm sorry. have a good nite." he replied.
"you didn't even run my card."
"i don't need to. i just know i can't do it. i'm sorry. BUT, i will give you store credit if you want."
"uh, no. thanks. i won't be coming back here again after tonite."

realizing that a complete meltdown could result in the cops being called, i calmly (but sternly) told both of them to wait where they were (yeah, right) for 10 minutes...i was going home to get my receipt.

i stormed back in roughly 10 minutes later--the store is only a mile and half from my apartment--and cut in front of about 10 people to the front of the line, placing the receipt politely in front of the clerk and her manager. without a word, he swiped my card, pushed a pen in front of me to sign the new receipt, and turned his back and walked away.

i'm not much of a handyman, but even i need the occasional trip to a hardware store. but, now that i've crossed home depot off my list of acceptable vendors, i'm left with few other options. and since the "you can do it, we can help" people won't, i'm hesitant to put my trust in "the helpful place" (ace) or the store that wants to "build something together" (lowes). my life may now be in permanent disrepair. damn the advertising man.