So sue me

i'm a little late in reporting the week's most ridiculous item. as i'm sure you've undoubtedly already heard, this is the epitome of the frivolous lawsuit. some guy in oregon is suing both michael jordan and nike founder, phil knight, for a total of $832 million. more on the amount in a minute.

so, this guy, this allen heckerd, says he's tired of being mistaken for a basketball legend and feels he needs to be compensated, presumably, for the "mental anguish" it must cause him to be misidentified. he's also suing knight, i suppose, for continuing the jordan legacy thru his nike brand and, thus, perpetuating the hurt. so, let's list the similarities between his airness and his airheadness to really understand hecker's pain: bald, black, over 6' tall and wears and earring in the left ear. there you have it folks, a perfect clone of the greatest basketball player in history.

of course, it's not all bad. heckerd claims to be mistaken for jordan when he's ballin' at the gym, as he apparently has the game equal to the jumpman. despite the adulation and admiration of his basketball prowess, heckerd is pursuing his lawsuit to the tune of $832 mill. now, if i were to sue someone for a reason this assinine, i suppose it's natural to come up with a ludicrous number. but arriving at this ridiculous amount should at least be thought out, logical, and designed to actually make me look like a victim, not a complete dope. heckerd arrived at his figure in a manner that defies each of those parameters. his reason? "Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to." right.

i could launch into a diatribe about frivolous lawsuits and the litigation-hungry society we've become, but i have a friend that looks and sounds remarkably like dave chappelle. he's 27, times 7, carry the one...we'll be suing for $189 million. anyone know a good lawyer?

http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5766288?FSO1&ATT=HMA