Yeah, Baby!

i have no words to describe how disturbing and bizarre this case is. it happened last year, but the jurisprudence has finished. see and judge for yourself.

I know you did it, just admit

i'd begun to write a very lengthy post about my disgust for both o.j. simpson and his publisher, judith regan, for coming out with his new book and subsequent interview on fox. but the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach became too much to bear. and, no, it wasn't from the pizza i had tonight.

as despicable as it is that o.j. would approach anyone with this book idea (because he can't stand to be irrelevant 11 years later), it's equally abhorrent that anyone would publish such filth, let alone give phony reasons for doing so.

i'll get too worked up and wordy if i continue much further on this topic. so, i'll summarize my position on the whole thing: i'm going to buy o.j.'s book. and after rewriting both the foreword and the book sleeve to annihilate what little character each of these pathetic "human" beings have, i'll burn the damned thing and send the ashes, sprinkled with other substances that may or may not be hazardous to one's health if consumed, to both "the juice" and to the poor domestic violence victim seeking "closure," ms. regan, in the mail with an anonymous envelope.

okay, so i won't. but this does give me one more reason to hate rupert murdoch and fox "news," so i guess it's not all bad.


'i know you did it, just admit it! it'll be aight if you just say you did it. i KNOW you did it, just admit it.'

-- comedian chris rock in "bring the pain"

Health Update --- This I DO Want

an update from the desk of my doctor:

amazingly, and to the complete shock (seriously) of both the radiologist and my doctor, the CT scan came back negative...which means, for the time being, i'm okay. i should clarify and say that they're 99.9% sure that there is no existence of ischemic, nor ulcerative colitis, nor crohn's disease, which is prevalent in my family. my kidneys also appear clean at the moment.

however, neither the radiologist nor my doctor could provide an alternative explanation for the pain, swelling and mild nausea i continue to experienc, which still leaves the slightest possibilities for other maladies. i've been given a week to make some minor dietary changes to attempt to relieve some of the inflammation. after that time, if no improvement is made, i'll have to undergo more testing. i'm confident that it won't be necessary and am beyond a word synonymous with "relieved" that it doesn't appear my condition is chronic.

so, apologies to anyone on the receiving end of my overreaction. perhaps next time i should pick a doctor that doesn't follow the phrase "i'm not really certain what it could be" with 3 very serious chronic illnesses, and i'll try not to send myself into hysterics.

"I Don't Want This!"

after nearly 2 weeks of discomfort and pain in my abdomen, i visited a doctor today. naturally we discussed my recent health issues, the cardiac variety for those of you not in the know, and proceeded with the exam. dr. was apparently not pleased with his initial thoughts and ordered me to have a CT scan done...immediately. i asked what the problem could be, to which he provided 3 or 4 possibilities. none of them good. i'll refrain from listing them, as i won't officially know anything till monday.

i spent the better part of 4 hours at the imaging center, gagging down barium "milkshakes" and having other radioactive contrast injected intravenously. all this preparation and the scan was done in 10 minutes.

it seems that i don't subscribe to the traditional method of handling grief, as i skipped over the denial part and went straight to anger. perhaps it was the combination of finding out i may very well have a chronic disease on top of the tremendous stress i've been experiencing at work, and some struggles i've had in my personal life. prior to today, i've been in a perpetually foul mood for the last three days on account of the latter reasons. the former, essentially, sent me over the edge.

i needed to get out of the house tonight and figured i'd hit the bookstore. i'd write a little bit as a means of release. but my curiosity got the best of me and i headed to the "disease" section of the store. i picked up 2 books that explained in great detail the effects of the 3 (potential) diseases and read them cover to cover in fewer than 3 hours. by the end, i found myself devastated that my health had possibly become subject to any of the three.

again, the official diagnosis will not be available until monday, which gives me 2 full days to mull over all the possible directions my life can take depending on the outcome. i'll admit, i'm scared shitless, as all 3 diseases (in the most severe cases) have effects i couldn't have ever imagined suffering. reading other people's accounts (in the books) of their life experiences and difficulties with the diseases was not cathartic. rather it was painful, frightening, and left me fighting back tears in the middle of the bookstore knowing that i could very well experience the very same things.

i don't cry much. the last time, if memory serves, was when i was in the hospital last december being diagnosed with a myocardial infarction of the circumflex artery--that's a heart attack in layman's terms. but as i left the bookstore, the tears came. and they came hard. i tried to fight them back to no avail. i nearly lost control of my car during the 1.5 mile drive because i could hardly see through the wall of salty water building in my eyes. i got home and i lost it. for 20 minutes, the full effect of my fear had gotten the best of me and i cried as if it were the first time i'd ever done so. the whole time, i found myself repeating "i don't want this," as if my words could reach the heavens (who knows what or who's up there listening) and miraculously reverse my fortunes.

ordinarily, RAOG is intended to entertain if nothing else. but tonight, it serves no other purpose than to put my feelings into writing--to vent my frustration, anger, disappointment, fear and sadness at this situation. there are many of you who will surely provide the pat "it could be worse" or "there are others worse off than you" speeches, to which i'd respectfully reply, "put yourself in my shoes, at 27 years old, and tell me then that it could be worse."

there is a chance, however so slight, that the doctor could be completely wrong about this and that my symptoms are of something much less severe. i'm holding out hope that this is the case, but am under no illusion that it's likely. until monday, i'll continue to dwell on the endless possibilities that are ahead of me. i don't ask for prayers, since i'm not religious. but thoughts, well-wishes and a cure are always welcome.

JY