"I Don't Want This!"

after nearly 2 weeks of discomfort and pain in my abdomen, i visited a doctor today. naturally we discussed my recent health issues, the cardiac variety for those of you not in the know, and proceeded with the exam. dr. was apparently not pleased with his initial thoughts and ordered me to have a CT scan done...immediately. i asked what the problem could be, to which he provided 3 or 4 possibilities. none of them good. i'll refrain from listing them, as i won't officially know anything till monday.

i spent the better part of 4 hours at the imaging center, gagging down barium "milkshakes" and having other radioactive contrast injected intravenously. all this preparation and the scan was done in 10 minutes.

it seems that i don't subscribe to the traditional method of handling grief, as i skipped over the denial part and went straight to anger. perhaps it was the combination of finding out i may very well have a chronic disease on top of the tremendous stress i've been experiencing at work, and some struggles i've had in my personal life. prior to today, i've been in a perpetually foul mood for the last three days on account of the latter reasons. the former, essentially, sent me over the edge.

i needed to get out of the house tonight and figured i'd hit the bookstore. i'd write a little bit as a means of release. but my curiosity got the best of me and i headed to the "disease" section of the store. i picked up 2 books that explained in great detail the effects of the 3 (potential) diseases and read them cover to cover in fewer than 3 hours. by the end, i found myself devastated that my health had possibly become subject to any of the three.

again, the official diagnosis will not be available until monday, which gives me 2 full days to mull over all the possible directions my life can take depending on the outcome. i'll admit, i'm scared shitless, as all 3 diseases (in the most severe cases) have effects i couldn't have ever imagined suffering. reading other people's accounts (in the books) of their life experiences and difficulties with the diseases was not cathartic. rather it was painful, frightening, and left me fighting back tears in the middle of the bookstore knowing that i could very well experience the very same things.

i don't cry much. the last time, if memory serves, was when i was in the hospital last december being diagnosed with a myocardial infarction of the circumflex artery--that's a heart attack in layman's terms. but as i left the bookstore, the tears came. and they came hard. i tried to fight them back to no avail. i nearly lost control of my car during the 1.5 mile drive because i could hardly see through the wall of salty water building in my eyes. i got home and i lost it. for 20 minutes, the full effect of my fear had gotten the best of me and i cried as if it were the first time i'd ever done so. the whole time, i found myself repeating "i don't want this," as if my words could reach the heavens (who knows what or who's up there listening) and miraculously reverse my fortunes.

ordinarily, RAOG is intended to entertain if nothing else. but tonight, it serves no other purpose than to put my feelings into writing--to vent my frustration, anger, disappointment, fear and sadness at this situation. there are many of you who will surely provide the pat "it could be worse" or "there are others worse off than you" speeches, to which i'd respectfully reply, "put yourself in my shoes, at 27 years old, and tell me then that it could be worse."

there is a chance, however so slight, that the doctor could be completely wrong about this and that my symptoms are of something much less severe. i'm holding out hope that this is the case, but am under no illusion that it's likely. until monday, i'll continue to dwell on the endless possibilities that are ahead of me. i don't ask for prayers, since i'm not religious. but thoughts, well-wishes and a cure are always welcome.

JY