Flight of Feeble (Minded)

i've begun to like flying a whole lot less than i used to. i still like airports, though. there's something about them that, when walking through them, still gives me a feeling of adventure--even if i'm just flying in from a run-of-the-mill midwestern city. i think the decline in my attraction to flying has a little to do with flying in and out of denver, because i've never had a smooth trip getting into the city. the way the winds flow down the mountains and flood the plains--airfield included--makes for horrific turbulence, especially in summer. but today i pinpointed the true reason that hopping on a silver bird is a lot less fun than it used to be: the people.

specifically, i'm talking about the bumbling idiots on the plane that do/say/(visibly and outwardly) think/consider the most remarkably dumb things. i've long believed that with humans being sentient creatures that it would be instinctive to learn the customs of an airplane. there are so many outlets to get out the message of how to do things. things like how to buckle the seat belt, how to open the overhead compartment, when you may/may not use electronic devices and exactly why you are not supposed to use a cell phone on the flight.

it could be something as simple remembering back to the last time you flew to conjure up the muscle memory needed to insert the flat thing into the clicky thing. or, you could pay attention to the head flight attendant's safety speech before take-off. or, if all else fails, you could simply watch someone else and mimic their motions.

perhaps i am a bit too critical in my observations of these buffoons. after 5 days of drinking while melting in the midwestern humidity and suffocating on sea-level air, my judgement could have been clouded. the fact that i couldn't figure out what time it was for 4 of the days left me sleep deprived (the drinking helped that too) and restless, and the discomfort from hyperactive case of man chafe could have further narrowed my views of acceptable behavior. nevertheless, i offer my suggestions to fellow passengers to make future flights more accommodating to even the surliest of travelers.

any one of the three methods above would have helped the cretin in seat 15A (across the aisle from me) figure out how, exactly, to secure a seat belt. rather than making any attempt at doing so, he waited till we were preparing for takeoff ring the flight attendant bell and ask for help. guy, you're 60 years old. surely you've done this in one manner or another (remember, cars have them too) once or twice in your life.

and to the 20-something in seat 12F, you see where it says "push button to open" on the overhead bin? perhaps you should consider reading and following the directions instead of trying to tear the plane apart and looking around aghast as if to suggest that boeing mis-engineered a storage bin.

crying baby lady in row 17...when the lavatory (that's bathroom or restroom to anyone not on a plane or who has seemingly never been on one) door is locked and the signs on both the handle and the light say "occupied," it would be a safe assumption that there is someone in there taking care of business. i'd also venture a guess that they'd prefer you not bang and shake the door, making them believe that the rear half of the plane is about to be violently torn apart, a la "lost."

and finally, to the guy 2 seats over from me wearing an alaskan wolf t-shirt and a fanny pack, i offer you this: when the announcement comes over the PA that electronic devices (approved or otherwise) are not to be used until 10 minutes into the flight--or not at all, in some cases--it'd be a wise choice, and quite possibly a life saving one, to follow suit. even with the rumbling of the engines and the noise of the wheels against the runway i managed to identify what i believed to be your cell phone ringing. the same phone that i swear i could see you were outwardly contemplating answering... WHILE THE REAR WHEELS WERE OFF THE GROUND. and while i, too, enjoy the ipod, i'm just dumb enough to not understand the reasons it could fuck up the plane, but i'm smart enough to know not to tempt fate. i would suggest in the future that you apply the same logic if you plan on flying again. oh, and for the record, a 45 year old guy playing a PSP is just creepy. or pathetic.

ahh, the joys of air travel.

***i should add in a positive note...the flight to the 'burgh went off without a hitch. all passengers were well-educated in airplane etiquette, the flight was smooth and (most importantly) on time, and i even had a seat between me and the dude on the window. 1st class flight on a coach budget.***