NEW RULE: health studies cannot be released until they actually say something.
there has been yet another study about the possible effects of caffeine, particularly in coffee, on blood pressure. over the past few years, these studies have flip-flopped more than a blow-hard politician, citing one minute indications that a cup o' joe can have serious averse effects on blood pressure and cardiovascular health, then saying the next minute that it's just not true.
the most recent study was conducted in finland, consisting of approximately 27,000 fins (insert jimmy buffet song here). maybe there's a difference in the coffee the fins drink and what we drink. why is it that none of these "studies" are ever conducted here? saccarine caused cancer at one point, but only in brits because that's where the study was conducted. of course, they forgot to mention in their half-assed study that one would have to chew about 150 packs of saccarine-containing gum per day to actually be at risk at all. and why can't they do studies on things people actually care about? saccarine. really?
science is an inexact science. we get it. but what's with the rush to judgment all the time, scientists? is it really that fun to throw half the world's population into a panic because you have a new hypothesis that you came up with while you were completely cracked out in a whorehouse in munich? what the hell kind of scientists are you anyway that you that you can't even complete the whole scientific process (e.g. stating the problem, hypothesizing, testing the hypothesis and drawing a conclusion) before issuing some sort of report? even my 11th grade chemistry teacher made me do that.
i know, i know, the pharm companies pay a lot of money for you to come up with something for them to create a new drug for. but c'mon, "scientists," think like a businessman for just one second. take a hint from your pharm company bed companions. wouldn't it be better business for you to create the "cure" for whatever ails us before telling us what ails us? we'll all be so relieved to know that the pill you developed for restless leg syndrome will, by pure happenstance, also cure the mysterious cancerous growths we develop in our knee cartilage from wearing the wrong brand of jeans.
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2 comments:
That was pretty fucking funny. Good job.
I wish it was like the old days, when every ailment could be taken care of with a shot of whiskey and a belt to bite down on.
I heard Diet Pepsi is poisonous on account of the Aspartame. I'm sipping my way into an early grave... but it feels so right.
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