i want you to show me.
well, not you exactly, dear reader. but you get the drift. i'm single and kinda sick of it i've decided. naturally, when i'm stuck in a hotel room by myself, i have ample time to think about the holes i see in my life. i think the lack of a love life (or love in my life, for that matter) is a glaring one, moreso than job satisfaction, money, etc. i can deal with not liking a job, i can make ends meet while not earning my market value. but i kind of feel a bit worthless at times without having a significant other.
don't mistake that last sentence for a jerry maguire (i.e. i need a woman to complete me), because it's simply not the case. i would however like to kill 2 birds with one stone by having a serious relationship: bird 1) erradicate the jealousy i have of every one else in a relationship, especially those i know and see regularly and bird 2) to have a new, important person to share my life with...the good and the miserable.
this whole single thing has been weighing on me, evidently, for a while. i just never bothered to acknowledge or admit it. i've been in love exactly 2 times in my life and, well, neither one worked out particularly well for me. i'm jaded, i admit. but, i'm still modestly hopeful...when the notions of insufficiency finally subside.
i've been increasingly negative of late, and it's even coming through in my writing. i apologize to you, my reader(s) [note: plural "s" added for comedic value] for turning my attention away from informing, entertaining and making you think, and focusing instead internally at the not-so-trivial things eating away at my normally good-spirited soul.
the quest to fin what everyone else seemingly has is never ending, and the playing field seems rather tilted against me. one of my past loves is also a present one, complicating the matter further. of course, her eyes are set squarely on someone else...who lives in a yet to be determined (by her) location since he's a military man.
it's an empty feeling that most all of us have felt at one point in time or another. most of you have gone on to find a way, or even another means to fill the void. hopefully i'll do the same. and of course, ladies reading, any thoughts regarding friends turning more than friends is greatly appreciated and will be strongly considered.
i love you all...
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3 comments:
ohhhh boooooyyyyyyy...i don't even know where to start.
you don't really need to start anywhere, considering this is mostly a post for me with a participation option at the end.
writing serves 2 purposes: to entertain when i want to be marginally funny or clever, and to make me feel better and help me work thru emotions when i can't sort them out exactly in my head.
this post is the latter.
I realized, as I sit here alone on what could have a day of celebration but isn't because my estranged boyfriend is most likely fishing in another state, that this is the relationship I'm going to walk away from saddled with baggage. Up to this point, I was always able to separate sex and intimacy, able to fuck like a man and still maintain a friendly relationship with the FWB.
After this one, though, I'm not sure I can do that anymore. This one got to me.
That pisses me off more than him being gone this weekend.
I'm not sure this will help you any. Other than to let you know you're not alone in the boat.
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