Random Acts of Thinking

the gods saw fit to bring back the creativity in hollywood by ending the writers' strike and in the process rejuvenated the voice of my leader, bill maher. and though i'm loath to rip off materials and ideas from the last bastion of common sense in the world, i feel obligated to finish what i've started. so i'm gonna do it anyway. (don't sue me, bill. i'm on your side bra')

but instead of a full-fledge rules (i can't have too many new rules in a row. i'm a man of the people, not a blogarchy), we'll pass these corollaries, ordinances and regulations. so here we go....

-mother nature must admit to being a wretched bitch and stop treating denver like a red-headed step child. take some midol and get over your period called "winter." hot, cold. warm, freezing. snow, sun and more fucking snow. make up your god damned mind already! it's no wonder it's "mother" nature and not "father" nature. father nature wouldn't give a shit about the weather. he'd just be on the couch with his hand down his pants watching the NCAA tournament without giving a second thought to the fact he gave winter park 450 INCHES OF SNOW IN 3 MONTHS.

-the word is "dominant," not "dominate." all over the world wide web machine people (mostly fantasy baseball geeks) are furthering the bastardization of our language that tween girls started with their stupid text message language by telling us how "dominate" a pitcher or hitter is. dominate is a verb, as in "the 400 lb. mistress dominates the 40-year old virgin." whereas dominant is an adjective describing physical or mental superiority as in, "my right hand is my dominant hand because it's my go-to masturbation hand." get it? good. now get it right!

-daylight savings time is stupid, archaic and must be destroyed. fall back an hour, spring forward an hour. stand upside down on your head. stick your thumb up your ass. what wouldn't those farmers do for an extra hour of daylight for their crops? better yet, who fucking cares? agriculture has been taken over by agro-corporations like ADM and ConAgra. i'm almost 100% certain they've figured out how to grow and harvest crops in the sunlight provided during NORMAL calendar days. thankfully, my clocks automatically adjust because they change DST every damn year (kinda like chanukkah and passover, but without the gifts or the crappy food) and i can't keep it straight. the only purpose it serves is to add 2 days of the year where i'm even more confused than normal. and to think, the only people that understand how backwards this is live in states like indiana and arizona--the beacons of intellect.

-college sports fans MUST stop rushing the field or court when their team wins a meaningless game. it's a fairly recent trend; i'd guess it started within the past 5 years. every big highlight i can remember--nc state over houston, bc over miami, colorado over michigan (i still fucking hate you kordell stewart. i'll never forgive you for that)--all of these great highlights showed the team members celebrating amongst themselves after the victory. but recently, any upset, at any time of the year is grounds for the student section to pour on the field of play and celebrate a crowning achievement. and it's ridiculous. there's an old saying taught to athletes competing in the limelight, "act like you've been there before." so, act like you've won before....even if you're rutgers.