RANT: To The Black Jack Pizza Guy

dear black jack pizza guy:

you and your coworkers all suck, and i hope you get fired from your insanely meaningless jobs. you are a disgrace to the already-disgraced customer service industry. why must you all be such dicks each and every time i, my roommate, or the homeless guy that sleeps in my dumpster call?

if i've lost you, dear pizza-order-taker-guy, i'm not surprised. you and your coworkers are what we intellectuals (hell, even normal people) call "fucking morons." if you've still yet to piece together what i'm talking about, let me remind you:

for some odd reason, when i call to order a hot, cheesy pizza, you are more concerned about sounding like a hard ass and worrying about how much extra you will charge me for using various forms of payment. unfortunately for me, the few times i've actually been able to complete a transaction with you, you've fucked up my order, presumably because you were so giddy to rip me off that you forgot that i hate olives. and anchovies. and fucking mushrooms. you goddamn idiot.

i'd ask you to explain to me how on one day your store gladly will accept my debit card, which is the 21st century's easiest form of payment (haven't you heard ANY of the commericals? christ!), and the next you want to charge me more for using it, but i hate you too much to form the words.

as if your illegal pricing activities aren't enough of an aggravation, the next time i called, you told me you didn't even accept debit or credit cards. were you kidding the first time when you did take it? if so, that's a funny joke, fucktard. so, as i wonder aloud on the phone how it is that your store survives as the only business in america that does not accept debit cards, you take your usual "i'm a cock, but i'm better than you" attitude and tell me that you've never accepted them to begin with and that your biz is going just fine, click. i bet it is.

we've called your corporate offices to complain. they said they were very concerned and will "look into it." apparently, there is a reason that they are in corporate, and you toss dough for a living....they're better liars than you are. they know full well that the little people like us don't have the time, energy, or resources to take on a corporate entity, even if what they're doing is illegal. however, that doesn't preclude me from making your life miserable.

if you start receiving faxes (you DO have a fax machine, right, luddite?) with boorish language, or prank calls to deliver somewhere that doesn't exist, or orders for items you don't carry...you'll know it's me, you wretched, imbeclic, moron. you can't like tossing dough for a living as it is. but your disregard for service to your customers, especially lying to them and illegally charging them more for the same items than you charge others, has led me on a conquest to make your "job" your personal hell. i hope you rot there. i'll save you a seat, sweetie.