Screw You, Hallmark

dear hallmark,

it's a week before valentine's day, and i'd like to take this opportunity to, on behalf of all men, tell you how much i (we) hate you for creating this and other ridiculous "holidays" that cost us money and make us feel like shit.

for all but 2 of my 26 (soon to be 27) years on this earth, i have been with out that "someone special" on your bullshit holiday. please do not mistake my recognition of this fact for a manner of benchmarking how pathetic my love life often is. rather, it's a not-so-subtle reminder of how you have ruined love and mankind as we know it.

each february 14, i, along with countless millions of other men, am made to feel completely inadequate if i don't have someone important, aside from family or close friends, to buy bouqets of roses, boxes of chocolates, and (meaningless) poetic or romantic cards for. with your incessant advertising of how important and special this made-up holiday is, i cannot help but feel lonely, unappreciated, or cheap...despite my best efforts and the knowledge that you made this day up for no better reason than to beat me into economic submission.

it's no secret that you and debeers, kay jewelers, and godiva have conspired to con millions of dollars from innocent, and often underfunded, men like me. you tell us our wives, girlfriends or flavor-of-the week will truly appreciate a card, some diamonds, more diamonds, and chocolate. they'll give us love and affection that we'd ordinarily not be party to. you're lying, and i'm calling bullshit.

after the roses have wilted, the diamonds been lost or pawned (or broken...if the guy was cheap enough to buy cubic zirconia), and the spike in sexual activity has subsided, we reach a common state....unsatisfied. the men are left with less money, less sex, and the persistent memory of the disappointed look on their women's faces upon receiving the aforementioned gifts. you, incidentally, are unsatisfied as well. 8 months pass and the spike in sales are a distant memory. it's time for one more go-around with your sucker customers--sweetest day. thanks alot, assholes, i hate you.

oh, by the way, your card is in the mail, the chocolates should be delivered any day now, and are 2 carats enough for you? see you in october!

love,

scott