Cuts so deep

i went grocery shopping last nite. it was a trip like all others, complete with a stop at a market for produce and a 2nd to the king sooper's (that's kroger to my midwestern friends) for the balance of my list. yes, i make a list. and i use coupons, too. it's all in an effort to reduce the amount of time and money i waste on securing sustenance so i don't die.

i'd gone out of town last weekend, so i had to rid my place of some of the older food. rephrase: i was completely out of everything. i knew it was going to be a pricey trip, and i'd prepared myself appropriately...or so i thought.

not only had i made out a list, but the list was prioritized to boot. i'd categorized which items would be purchased first, next, last or only if i could fit them into my shopping cart. look, everything in our lives has increased in price over the past ten years. i get that. gas is about $2/gallon for regular (unless you live in CA, chicago, or nyc. then you're screwed. sorry), when it was about $.77 back then. a loaf of bread now fetches upwards of $3 when it used to be barely a buck. and pizza, good god, $15 for a fucking pie? what happened to the $6 pizza days, let alone the *2* pizzas for that price (thanks little caesars)?!?! it's not shocking to me at all that i blew about $170 to restock my cabinets, fridge and freezer. that's about par for the course for me, since healthy food sadly costs much, much more than shitty food.

no, the startling development in all of this is that of the $170 spent, roughly 7% was spent on my face--that is, to buy FOUR, count 'em, 4 razor blades, which used to only run me about $4 max. the 7%could have been much larger had the "qty. 4" not been available. at that point, my choices would have been to buy $18 dollars (10.6%) worth of blades--for 8 of them--, the $24 for the "economy" pack of 12 (which, until last night i was unaware they made), or to just skip them altogether and grow my grizzly adams beard, a la jake plummer.

as appealing, albeit itchy, as it would be to be completely "natural," i don't think the company that gives me the checks i use to buy $12 worth of razor blades would much appreciate that look. sure, i use a higher end razor and could just as easily have gotten the cheapo bics. but then again, how would a mangled, cut, blood-speckled face be any better than one full of rapunzel-lenght hair? (note: due to blood thinning medication, knicks and cuts on me tend to bleed for hours, not minutes and, therefore, could somehow be potentially life-threatening. "killed by a bic." i can see the headline now).

my other option, i suppose, would have been to shell out $150-200 for an electric razor that won't give me the same baby-butt smooth face i've become accustomed to with a blade, for which would have required another/different rant entirely. for now, i guess i'll just have to grin and bear it, knowing that the titanium covered blades, the whopping 4 of them (4 blades heads, not to be confused with the 4 individual blades per head), have knicked and cut my wallet so badly that i couldn't afford the after shave face balm needed to maintain the softer side of my manliness. and that is the deepest cut of all.

Mama, I'm Comin' Home

i ventured to michigan this weekend for the annual tradition called "homecoming." i hadn't been back to the mitt in about 3 years and was eager for an opportunity to see a revamped college campus, visit watering holes we frequented "back in the day" and to see old friends that hadn't been blessed with my presence in a long time.

as my plane descended toward the metro airport runway, we passed through a never ending layer of clouds. it was a strangely familiar feeling, as the very day i left the wolverine state was, well, gray, overcast and rainy. so i was happy to see that nothing had changed. i made my way through the antiquated smith terminal, grabbed my one checked bag, complete with gels, liquids, and other potential bomb friendly materials, and headed toward the curb to meet my ride. i was picked up, brought to the apartment as arranged, and crashed out for the night.

friday was boring. plain and simple. i was stuck in an apartment with no cable, no food, and i had no car. sure, i'm fit enough to walk to the store or a restaurant, and i would gladly have done so....if i'd had any clue where the hell i was. it was amazing to me that in 3 years, the place i'd called home for nearly 5 was now a completely foreign land to me. i remembered the names of exactly 4 streets in the city, knew of only 3 bars, and was generally lost the entire weekend (directionally speaking, of course).

thankfully, friday night was better. we headed out to my fave establishment in the booming city of enlightenment, ypsilanti--sticks. when i was an undergrad, i pretty much lived at that bar, going every thursday, friday and often saturdays as well. hell, i vaguely recall going on a few sundays too. it was always a welcoming atmosphere there, since i knew roughly half of the 200-300 people present at any given time, but friday night was different. we arrived early after having been told that the place was already packed. i walked in and knew no one aside from the 3 people i'd come with. i felt strangely out of place in a pub that i'd made my drunken home away from home throught my stint in academia. i made a bet with my friend that within an hour, i'd know at least 20 people there, and within 2, 40. sure enough, by 11pm, i was mingling about the gaggle...as if i'd never left.

there were, of course, many stories exchanged and descriptions of what was going on in each others' lives as well as abundant discussion about my recent health issues, and looks and statements of shock regarding my new physique. personally, i notice only a slight difference, but i knew there was something to this "you look great" thing when some girls i used to fancy told me in no uncertain terms that i was now officially "hot". yes, hot. i'm actually hot in the "oh my god, that cute guy there is smiling at me. he's hot" kind of way instead of the "why is your cute but creepy friend staring at me like he's undressing me with his eyes?" (i was) type way. 5 "you're hots" later, and i was feeling pretty good. following tradition, we closed the bar and headed to our temporary home.

the pre-game tailgate on saturday was weak, since most alumni my age have now moved into baby-making stage of life or are too involved with their careers to come back for a visit. some have moved far away, like h-wood who, oddly enough, lives very near his namesake town. others were conducting business abroad, while the rest were either too lazy or too poor to make the schlep to the town of Y. those of us that did make the trip felt collectively too old to be there, while simultaneously marveling at how much the campus area had changed, but how little some people had.

saturday afternoon brought barroom cheers from the regulars *i* remember from my days there, as the michigan wolverines systematically removed another foe from the schedule on their way (hopefully) to a perfect season and a national championship. and saturday night broke the hearts of everyone that had returned, as the tigers fell in game 1 of the world series.

it wasn't the experience i had hoped for, since many of the people i'd wanted to see were not present. but all in all, i think i got out of the trip what i'd wanted: to reinforce all the reasons i left in the first place, while getting to see some of my closest friends whom i've missed for the better part of 3 years. sadly, i think this year may have marked my last return trip. i'd been unable to return the past 3 years for various reasons, and anticipated this to be a triumphant return. i'd always idealized that on my last visit, i'd go out with a bang and ride off gloriously into the sunset (actually, i'd envisioned that everyone would be there and i'd simply tell them that it was my last trip and in order to see me, they'd have to come visit me in 5280 or get married so i could come to the wedding. there would be tears and hugs and plenty of "we'll miss you's" --which there were-- but there would definitely be a finality to it.). it didn't happen and off i went without the true closure to my collegiate experience, which left me with a similar feeling of disappointment as the lack of attendance and celebration.

chapter 2 of the book of jeen yes, sadly, is now closed.

No Funny Title Required

Warning: ***the sole purpose of today's post is to rant. the following should NOT be construed as an attempt to entertain. if you are entertained by any of it, you are experiencing schadenfreude, and i will hereforth hate you.****

random thoughts floating about my head and partial conversations partaken in while enduring a horrific day at work.
-cold and tired is no way to go through a work day
-why did it snow when it was just 75 degrees on monday?
-note to maintenance man: heat in the winter, a/c in the summer. not the other way around. asshole.
-why must you talk so loudly? you have a fucking headset on!
-$8.01 is "eight dollars and one/a cent," NOT "eight dollars and one cents." it's basic fucking english. retard.
-read the script. seriously, you're too stupid to adlib. please don't try. i'll fire you. i can and i will. try me.
-why does my server only crash when i'm in the middle of generating a report?
-no, i can't interview anyone at the moment. i'm kinda busy keeping our clients happy and, therefore, keeping you employed.
-good god you're ugly.
-albert pujols is just an average hitter? are you being funny or are you actually stupid? don't answer that.
-um, of course i wanted it. i've only been asking to have it done for the PAST 3 WEEKS, you lazy fucktard.
-okay, fine, i'll interview them. "do you have a pulse? yes? congratulations, you're hired."
-is it friday yet? oh, right, who cares i'm leaving on thursday night anyway!
-yes, i'm aware that we still need to create a report. wait, by WHEN?
-yes, other mr. client, i can get you that figure. when do you want it. great, no problem. only 2 weeks' worth of work by 2pm. awesome. btw, don't you already have this information from the last time i sent it to you.....yesterday!?!?!?!
-i'm hungry. no i can't interview anyone. i need to eat so i don't die. what do you mean i'm the only manager here?
-well, if you'd ever brief me on the projects, maybe i'd actually have a clue as to what needs to be done, schleprock.
-yes, i know how to do my job.
-"we're not leaving the office till we get this to the client." translation: "i hope you have a cot and no plans for the evening. you're screwed. btw, i'm going home for the day. enjoy!"
-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! how many reports can one human being do in one day? oh, apparently this many.
-no, i haven't found any new clients yet.
-yes, i'd like a coordinator. no, i 'm not paying for him/her.
-hooray! we won 4 out of the last 5 days. good news.
-i'm underpaid. who isn't?
-i miss smoking. very bad for you, but perfect in this situation.
-no, i don't actually want one. asshole. i want a drink.
-no, that email wasn't intended for you. sorry.
-who hired these people? and on what section of colfax (read: most ghetto part of 5280) did you find them?
-pull up your fucking pants, gangsta!
-someone please IM or call me. please.
-fuck this. i'm leaving. anyone got a problem with that?
-today sucks balls. if i have more days like this, i'm quitting and joining the circus.

and 100 Approaches

red sox, white sox and tigers. oh my! in the past 5 years, some of baseball's most tortured franchises have broken through their various respective "curses" to earn a birth in, and eventually win the world series. the 2004 boston red sox won after having not won since 1918. the chicago white sox last year won after waiting since 1919. and this year, the detroit tigers have earned their spot in the fall classic after a 22 year absence.

only 3 seasons ago, the tigers were 1 skinny "L" short of setting an all-time mark for futility. now, they're on the verge of winning one of, if not the most, prestigious title in team sports. the 22 year drought since their last title sure enough must have seemed like a century. and while my fandom lies elsewhere within the MLB, my hatred of the st. louis cardinals and the new york mets are enough to compel me to root on the tigers to a championship, since "the d" was my home for 5 years.

but while 22 years pales in comparison to the 80+ year struggles of the others, all three fail to record a blip on the radar of my beloved chicago cubs, whose world series title drought will enter it's 99th year when spring training breaks in march of 2007.

each spring brings renewed hope and excitement that "this is the year." each fall ends in utter disappointment as my team turns in another lackluster, uninspired effort. i resort to the practice sports polygamy, the legal loophole to real polygamy, where i foresake my undying love for my cubs and adopt a "b" team for whom to root. as 2006 ended with another gallactically unsuccessful cubs effort, i went against conventional wisdom and the rules of beinga a fan and actually adopted 3 "b" teams. and against my better judgement and purist view of the game, i picked 3 american league teams: the A's, the Twins, and the Tigers--collectively known as "anyone but the yankees."

more importantly, having chosen 3 out of the 4 teams in the AL as my "b" team, i stood a 75% chance that my new team would make it to--and win--the world series, so i could experience the thrill of being a winner, since my real team doesn't seem much inclined to gift me that sensation themselves.

as i sat in the (smoke-free) bar this afternoon with my die-hard tigers fan friend watching magglio ordonez belt a walk off, series-winning home run, my enthusiasm and excitement for the win were tempered by the eternal knowledge that my beloveds were watching it too....from their couches.

i'm looking past 2007 and into 2008, which will mark the 100th anniversary of the cubs' last world series. it would be a magical and memorable moment if, for once in my and others' lifetimes, i didn't have to root for someone else. in the interim, i'll be watching the fall classic as i do each year, living vicariously through another fan base, and cheering with 50% of my heart for the motor city kitties to bring home the crown. go tigers.

Sack of Shit - Editorial

boulder, co is known for being an odd place. the home of the university of colorado (and my good buddy CJ) is a beautiful locale often referred to as "27 square miles surrounded by reality." the city is extremely liberal, very progress, and a bit off-beat. here you'll find a mix of trustafarians, techies, an abundance of recreational athletes...and a criminal hacky sacker.

the very city that in the 90's attempted to pass a referendum legalizing marijuana while simulateneously banning public smoking (yes, on the SAME ballot measure) feels that while a little weed may be harmless, a friendly game of hacky sack is a public nuisance and a threat.

a 17 year-old boulder high school student was hanging out with some friends on the pearl street mall, enjoying a little sack. er, hacky sack (hey, it is boulder, so you never really know). after mistakenly kicking the little bean bag past a friend, the kid was approached by a cop and issued a, get this, $250 ticket for public nuisance! worse, this "offense" requires a court date for the boy to answer the charges against him. so, of course, he'll have to miss some school to tend to his newfound legal troubles.

for a society that constantly bitches about overcrowded jails, overworked courts and understaffed police forces, we sure do find new and creative ways to exacerbate these problems by creating ridiculous scenarios like this one.

the stated purpose of virtually all police forces is to "protect and serve." but theoretically, shouldn't we be protected from things we actually need protection from? you know, like robbery, rape, murder and other crimes actually worthy of police attention and public outcry? boulder residents were shocked, annoyed and a bit disgusted with this publicized incident. and rightfully so. sure, boulder is wrought with pretentious rich people who are the only ones that can afford to live comfortably in an overpriced housing market. but even they deserve to have their tax dollars used wisely and appropriately.

the kid is going to fight the citation and, sadly, he will lose because the ordinance governing the pearl street mall prohibits throwing, launching, or forcefully maneuvering objects while on the mall property. the tragedy in this is that we're constantly harping on our young people to stay away from drugs, alcohol and other unhealthy or illegal activities, yet once they do find a benign, safe alternative we punish them with disproportionate force. ain't that a kick?

I'm SAD

it happens every year. fall comes after summer just like the calendar says it will. i love the fall. i love the cool, crisp weather, the changing colors of the leaves and how they cover the moist grass once they've fallen from their perch on the tree branches.

of course, fall also means more humidity (welcome in this part of the country), shorter days, clouds. lots of clouds. lots of gray, gloomy, blanketing clouds that block the sun and leave it only a memory in the minds of those that bask in its glow nearly year round.

today is the first truly gray day of autumn in 5280 and i'm suffering tremendously. my chief complaint when i lived in the midwest was how cold, gray and dank the climate was. so, i packed up and moved to sunnier climes of the rockies. certainly, california and arizona would have been wise choices as well, but denver receives 320 days of predominant sun per year (technically more than both san diego and miami. trailing only phoenix and tucson); perfect for someone, even your resident genius, at the mercy of seasonal affectional disorder (note: this disorder was a "disorder" way before erectile dysfunction and restless leg syndrome. those are euphemisms for old guys with no sex drive and for crazy people that can't control their legs. they're not real disorders. they're the psychosomatic issues of the clinically insane).

so i'm sitting in my office on one of the 6 gray, gloomy days we experience a year, struggling to get to the end of the day so i can go home, light some candles and experience bright light. i've completed the minimum of my workload and am battling the constant urge to rest my head on the desk and take a nap--or to just leave for the day.

it's great to know that this will all be over by thursday, but just getting TO thursday will be a chore. send me some warm thoughts to break my funk.

Smoker's Cough in Amish Country

i have a wicked bad case of insomnia, hence the double post today. 2 points of randomness before i hit the hay and make a real attempt at sleep:

random point #1: who the fuck shoots amish people? the rash of school shootings in recent years has left most of us a little more desensitized to such mindless violence than we would like. but the most recent shooting somewhere in lancaster county, PA (i've been there, but couldn't even tell you what part of the god-forsaken state it's in. actually, since so many amish live there, can it really be "god-forsaken?" what's the opposite of god-forsaken anyway? god-blessed? god-inhabited? i don't know.) really caught me by surprise. amish people make furniture. and butter. and jelly. and they pray. alot. so who the fuck would shoot them? i don't get it. there are plenty of subhuman citizens trolling about the public school system throughout the country. why not shoot them? is it because they'll shoot back? probably. weird

random point #2: a much happier and much more random point. the "thank you for smoking" dvd is out. hallelujah. it might just be the best movie of my lifetime. except maybe for anything jon favreau has done. or christopher walken. what's with that guy anyway? he's weird, but i love imitating him. kevin pollack is better at it than i am. but that's 'cause he gets paid to do it. i don't. anyway, buy the dvd.

i'm off to slumber. hopefully i don't have any weird nightmares about being killed by a bunch of mutated serial killers and some random blogger setting up dolby digital surround sound in my room.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke

"me chinese. me play joke. me go pee pee in your coke." those are the words to a never-unfunny children's chant. well, it was never unfunny when i was a kid anyway. it seems, however, that as we get older, our sense of humor changes quite a bit, though the lyrics adjust only slightly. try "me post worker, me play joke. me go pee pee in your....coffee?"

in the lovely town of akron, ohio, a 50-year old man was sentenced to six months jail-work release for pouring, you guessed it, urine into the coffee pot at work.

for months, a disgruntled postal worker (SHOCK!), thomas shaheen, sneakily poured urine into the office coffee pot and stood by idly as his co-workers ingested the scrumptious concoction (or is it concocktion?). the workers soon realized that their morning cup o' joe had an extra jolt to it, and reported the activities to their supervisors, who promptly ordered an investigation. naturally, as with all government agencies, the investigation resulted in no action being taken. so the workers installed a hidden video camera and caught shaheen in the act.

after being sentenced and ordered to pay $1200 to each of the victims (you'd have to pay me much more than $1200 to drink piss in my coffee), shaheen's lawyer indicated that his client was frustrated with his work, hence the vile act. when was the last time a postie wasn't frustrated with his work?

now, i've hated virtually every job i've had. in fact, i've actually disliked most of the people i've worked with, for one reason or another. but no matter how strongly i disliked someone, nor how much i hated my job, i'd never resort to relieving myself and then pouring it the morning coffee pot. "accidentally" cancelling someone else's print job right ahead of an important meeting to make them look bad? yeah, i'd do that. but i couldn't imagine going so far with my dissatisfaction as to dumping my mellow yellow in a pot of black. why is it always the posties that do the crazy shit? what's the worst thing you've done at work?

I've atoned

hooray for yom kippur! day of atonement for jewdom (a.k.a. judaism) and day of no food or water....for those who choose to fast. i, however, don't. i'm above it. i've already been grandfathered in, so what's the point really? i mean, by virtue of being born as one of the chosen ones, i get a free pass to heaven regardless of whether or not i practice, right? hope so. otherwise, i'm kinda screwed.

some backstory about why i turned my back on my religion, in bullet points:

-the stories from the bible are unbelievable. case in point--why on earth would moses walk all the way up a damn mountain to carry down a stone tablet when god just as easily could have thrown it down? it's not as if god would break it. he's infallable, remember? keeping with moses, why is HE the only guy in the history of time to be able to split an entire sea by simply sticking a staff in the ground? david blaine can levitate, yet he's not worshipped as a great historical figure or prophet.

-our holidays suck. seriously. christians got this one right. eat, drink and be merry. give gifts, sing and get fat around a fire. jews? yeah, we effed this one up pretty badly. passover we give up all leavening agents (i.e. bread, bagels, cereal and anything else with taste) and we're forced to eat shitty symbolic foods like charoset (that's yiddish for mix of sweet, salty and crappy stuff). yom kippur? yeah, well, we just give up all food and water for that one. at least on yom kippur we're not permitted to work. strike one against me. chanukkah is just silly. a bunch of jewish parents felt badly that their kids didn't get all the cool presents the christian kids did, so they started giving gifts too...one on each of the 8 crrraaazzzzy nights. woo hoo! oh, and there's no such thing as a chanukkah bush. just to let you know.

-kosher. who was the genius to come up with this one? oh, right. god and his prophets. damn. kosher means no shellfish (fine with me. i'm anti seafood), no pork, no mixing meat and milk (say goodbye cheesburger), and having everything in your house blessed by a rabbi. c'mon, do pickles really need to be blessed?

-friday night sabbath. so, why is the jewish god the only one that took his rest day a day and a half early? smart or lazy? you decide.

-language. granted, the christian religions (all 657 of them) originated in either latin or german. but each of those languages is easily learned/understood by anyone currently speaking a romance or germanic language. we and the muslims both goofed on this one. hebrew and arabic. different alphabets (ours doesn't even have VOWELS) and you read right to left. no wonder everyone converted to something else.

-calendar. i don't even know what year it is on the jewish calendar. they started it way, way, way before the christian calendar (for obvious reasons) and never reset the damn thing from zero. so, 2006 is something like 5767. that's too many years to keep track of. but, on a lighter note, it does make me feel younger.

so, my religion is nutty. it's kinda silly, actually. hence the reason i don't practice or pretend to do so. but, i'll bet yours is pretty funny too....which is why i don't believe in it either. l'chaim!