I've atoned

hooray for yom kippur! day of atonement for jewdom (a.k.a. judaism) and day of no food or water....for those who choose to fast. i, however, don't. i'm above it. i've already been grandfathered in, so what's the point really? i mean, by virtue of being born as one of the chosen ones, i get a free pass to heaven regardless of whether or not i practice, right? hope so. otherwise, i'm kinda screwed.

some backstory about why i turned my back on my religion, in bullet points:

-the stories from the bible are unbelievable. case in point--why on earth would moses walk all the way up a damn mountain to carry down a stone tablet when god just as easily could have thrown it down? it's not as if god would break it. he's infallable, remember? keeping with moses, why is HE the only guy in the history of time to be able to split an entire sea by simply sticking a staff in the ground? david blaine can levitate, yet he's not worshipped as a great historical figure or prophet.

-our holidays suck. seriously. christians got this one right. eat, drink and be merry. give gifts, sing and get fat around a fire. jews? yeah, we effed this one up pretty badly. passover we give up all leavening agents (i.e. bread, bagels, cereal and anything else with taste) and we're forced to eat shitty symbolic foods like charoset (that's yiddish for mix of sweet, salty and crappy stuff). yom kippur? yeah, well, we just give up all food and water for that one. at least on yom kippur we're not permitted to work. strike one against me. chanukkah is just silly. a bunch of jewish parents felt badly that their kids didn't get all the cool presents the christian kids did, so they started giving gifts too...one on each of the 8 crrraaazzzzy nights. woo hoo! oh, and there's no such thing as a chanukkah bush. just to let you know.

-kosher. who was the genius to come up with this one? oh, right. god and his prophets. damn. kosher means no shellfish (fine with me. i'm anti seafood), no pork, no mixing meat and milk (say goodbye cheesburger), and having everything in your house blessed by a rabbi. c'mon, do pickles really need to be blessed?

-friday night sabbath. so, why is the jewish god the only one that took his rest day a day and a half early? smart or lazy? you decide.

-language. granted, the christian religions (all 657 of them) originated in either latin or german. but each of those languages is easily learned/understood by anyone currently speaking a romance or germanic language. we and the muslims both goofed on this one. hebrew and arabic. different alphabets (ours doesn't even have VOWELS) and you read right to left. no wonder everyone converted to something else.

-calendar. i don't even know what year it is on the jewish calendar. they started it way, way, way before the christian calendar (for obvious reasons) and never reset the damn thing from zero. so, 2006 is something like 5767. that's too many years to keep track of. but, on a lighter note, it does make me feel younger.

so, my religion is nutty. it's kinda silly, actually. hence the reason i don't practice or pretend to do so. but, i'll bet yours is pretty funny too....which is why i don't believe in it either. l'chaim!