i'm back from hiatus. i've recharged my mental battery, so to speak, by working an ungodly amount of hours (doing other people's jobs no less) and spending inordinate amounts of time in the gym. oh yeah, i also started reading newspapers again.
i love my adopted hometown. 5280 has a bit of everything: outdoor activities, some culture, TONS of sun (yeah, california...even more than you) and a few decent restaurants and bars. but for a town full of transplants that so desperately wants to fit in with LA, chicago and new york--i'll never quite understand exactly why--it seems that none of the common sense from those metropoli ever seemed to rub off on denver.
i had my suspicions and i'd heard the rumors, but i recently found out that it's actually illegal to hail a cab in denver. yeah, you read that right. read it again. "illegal to hail a cab in denver." now the council is--try not to laugh--considering repealing the ordinance and replacing it with one that would allow people to hail a cab anytime day or night...with the caveat that the passenger must be fully loaded and ready to roll in 90 seconds.
with the ever-too-low legal BAC of .08, DUI arrests have skyrocketed in our state and city (no word on if this increase is proportional to the influx of californians and texans), and with limited options to avoid a likely DUI scenario, it's easy to see why. the city has slowly--and i mean slowly--"improved" its public transit, while simultaneously stepping up its DUI checkpoints and giving cops and patrol more loopholes for probable cause than ever before. so, more arrests, fewer transportation options. yeah, that seems logical.
somehow, in the excitement and chaos of what all state and city lawmakers have deemed an epidemic, the idea that providing easy access to taxi transportation as a reduction method has been completely lost. remember, mr. mayor, the most logical answer is often the correct one.
it's no wonder the colorado natives so resent transplants. natives clamor for new and stylish ways to mimic the more glamorous and notable hotspots. they see something on tv highlighting LA nightlife, nyc clubs, and chicago brewpubs and just assume that slapping a sign on a refurbished warehouse will draw the masses. they're partly right. those of us from more sophisticated areas of the country are just trying to apply some logic as the vehicle to help get them home safely. seems they're finally starting to get it.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Descriptile Dysfunction
you may have noticed the stark absence of any posts from me lately. or maybe you didn't. either way, i haven't written anything in a while because, well, i just haven't had much to say--writer's block, if you will (how ironic that i'm writing about having writer's block. eesn't dat vierd?)
i'll say that between finally solving my air conditioning conondrum, getting my increasingly fat ass back to the gym, and working more hours than i really care to, i haven't had much of an opportunity to have anything funny or interesting happen to me.
so, don't fret, friends of mine in the blogosphere. i'm in good health, good spirits, and a nicely cooled apartment. sooner or later something fun or interesting is bound to happen somewhere in the world. and as usual, when stories break, i fix them. i'll be back.
i'll say that between finally solving my air conditioning conondrum, getting my increasingly fat ass back to the gym, and working more hours than i really care to, i haven't had much of an opportunity to have anything funny or interesting happen to me.
so, don't fret, friends of mine in the blogosphere. i'm in good health, good spirits, and a nicely cooled apartment. sooner or later something fun or interesting is bound to happen somewhere in the world. and as usual, when stories break, i fix them. i'll be back.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
The Cold Shoulder
summer is rapidly approaching and my A/C is in need of a re-charge (seems like there's always something wrong with this damn thing). friendly landlord lady called her "girl" to have her call me and set up a service time. it's been a frustrating ordeal, so let's peek in after the douchebag serviceman no call/no showed on me....twice!
fll: did you get everything taken care of?
me: no. idiot no called/no showed on me twice.
fll: oh my god! are you kidding?
me: nope, but i took care of it. it'll happen, and we may even get it discounted
***flashback to monday morning*** (how do you do dream sequence waves?)
general manager: good morning, this is amy. how can i help you?
me: hi. i was supposed to have an A/C service call on wednesday, but your guy didn't show up. he called me on thursday to tell me he was too busy and forgot to call and say he'd not be coming.
GM: are you serious?
me: do i sound like i'm joking? not only did he pull this on wednesday, when i rearranged my meeting schedule to accomodate him, but he did it on saturday as well, when i rearranged my social schedule. obviously, i'm incredibly unhappy with this. not so much because it's hot and i need the a/c, but moreso because it's just a lack of courtesy and really, really bad customer service.
GM: do you remember who was supposed to come out?
me: yep. tim. both times. does tim know how to use a phone?
GM: i'm beginning to wonder. well, i'm very sorry about this and we'll get out there as soon as possible.
me: what does that mean? because if it doesn't mean today or tomorrow, then evidently, you don't want the work. i'm sure it'll be easy to find someone who does.
GM: we can squeeze you in between 3 and 5 on tuesday.
me: squeeze me in? are you serious? and between 3 and 5? are you the cable company or something? i get off work at 4pm. i'll expect him there between 4:30 and 5.
GM: okay. that's fair. and i'll personally call you when he leaves here.
me: great. click.
****flash forward to today, the day of the appointment****
rush home from work, still without a phone call. phone rings at 4:50pm. it's good ole tim, telling me he's leaving now...from arvada (for those of you not familiar with 5280 geography, arvada is a 25 minute drive....without rush hour traffic).
at present time, 6:15pm on tuesday, still no tim. it's gonna be a hot summer.
fll: did you get everything taken care of?
me: no. idiot no called/no showed on me twice.
fll: oh my god! are you kidding?
me: nope, but i took care of it. it'll happen, and we may even get it discounted
***flashback to monday morning*** (how do you do dream sequence waves?)
general manager: good morning, this is amy. how can i help you?
me: hi. i was supposed to have an A/C service call on wednesday, but your guy didn't show up. he called me on thursday to tell me he was too busy and forgot to call and say he'd not be coming.
GM: are you serious?
me: do i sound like i'm joking? not only did he pull this on wednesday, when i rearranged my meeting schedule to accomodate him, but he did it on saturday as well, when i rearranged my social schedule. obviously, i'm incredibly unhappy with this. not so much because it's hot and i need the a/c, but moreso because it's just a lack of courtesy and really, really bad customer service.
GM: do you remember who was supposed to come out?
me: yep. tim. both times. does tim know how to use a phone?
GM: i'm beginning to wonder. well, i'm very sorry about this and we'll get out there as soon as possible.
me: what does that mean? because if it doesn't mean today or tomorrow, then evidently, you don't want the work. i'm sure it'll be easy to find someone who does.
GM: we can squeeze you in between 3 and 5 on tuesday.
me: squeeze me in? are you serious? and between 3 and 5? are you the cable company or something? i get off work at 4pm. i'll expect him there between 4:30 and 5.
GM: okay. that's fair. and i'll personally call you when he leaves here.
me: great. click.
****flash forward to today, the day of the appointment****
rush home from work, still without a phone call. phone rings at 4:50pm. it's good ole tim, telling me he's leaving now...from arvada (for those of you not familiar with 5280 geography, arvada is a 25 minute drive....without rush hour traffic).
at present time, 6:15pm on tuesday, still no tim. it's gonna be a hot summer.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Whew!
been a busy weekend...and it's not even over! last night, my old boss finally got to show some of his art. for you photography buffs out there, his stuff is pretty interesting. he specializes in giclee, which if you're unfamiliar, is the practice of creating prints from a digital source. he takes various photographs of unrelated subjects and mixes, matches, splits and splices them and prints them on archive-quality canvas, which he stretches himself. cool stuff. and the gallery opening was pretty tight too. yeah, i'm now bourgeois.
ordinarily, 5am on a saturday is one of the last hours of the day i'd imagine seeing. this morning, however, it greeted me like an old friend. up at 5 to be downtown at 6....to help set up the 10th annual denver heartwalk. the weather was perrrrrfect for the 9,500 participants. sacrifice sleep to save lives? you betcha. now i'm bourgeois and philanthropic.
tomorrow, i will once again greet my friend 5am as i prepare for my 3rd installment of the elephant rock ride. i'm stretching it a bit this year, participating in the 50 mile version, though i'm clearly not ready for it. let's say i'm easily persuaded sometimes. so, once that grueling ride through the black forest is complete, it's off to record the first of what i hope to be many, many voice over samples. this shows i'm ambitious.
bourgeois, philanthropic and ambitious. maybe that should be the new subhead of the RAOG blog.
ordinarily, 5am on a saturday is one of the last hours of the day i'd imagine seeing. this morning, however, it greeted me like an old friend. up at 5 to be downtown at 6....to help set up the 10th annual denver heartwalk. the weather was perrrrrfect for the 9,500 participants. sacrifice sleep to save lives? you betcha. now i'm bourgeois and philanthropic.
tomorrow, i will once again greet my friend 5am as i prepare for my 3rd installment of the elephant rock ride. i'm stretching it a bit this year, participating in the 50 mile version, though i'm clearly not ready for it. let's say i'm easily persuaded sometimes. so, once that grueling ride through the black forest is complete, it's off to record the first of what i hope to be many, many voice over samples. this shows i'm ambitious.
bourgeois, philanthropic and ambitious. maybe that should be the new subhead of the RAOG blog.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
They Must've Been High
we can all agree that the real world ruined everything. but tv execs didn't stop there. they followed with other trainwrecks like the bachelor, the bachelorette, american karaoke (and other variations), and a whole host of other "reality" shows. the process, obviously, was the tv land equivalent to throwing shit at a wall to see what would stick. sadly, most of it did.
as cheap, smutty, or ridiculous and as many of the american reality series may be (pointing directly at "National Bingo Night"...i still can't get over this one), the dutch have scored the coup d'gras in the battle for the least tasteful show. ever.
they call it the "big donor show." the creators must've used all their creative juices in comprising the premise, leaving nothing to come up with a catchy title. as in the states, there is a great debate over the merits (or lackthereof) of the show, with the producers claiming social benefit and critics--government included--claiming exploitation and smut.
the intent of the show, as you may already be aware, is to raise awareness of the shortage of donor organs in the nearly underwater, purple hazed country (perhaps they wouldn't need so many donor organs if they laid off the hash just a bit?). needless to say, the best way to draw attention to an issue like this is to create a reality show on which contestants vie for a much needed, life-saving organ...which is awarded by the family of the donor.
i'm not going to get off on some pro-american rant here, but when we have a national health crisis, such as diabetes, breast cancer, heart disease, etc., we organize marches, fundraisers, or just wait for jerry lewis to come on tv and tell us to give money. but when the dutch are running fatally low on organs they desperately need, they...create a fucking reality show? the only logical explanation is that they must've been high.
as cheap, smutty, or ridiculous and as many of the american reality series may be (pointing directly at "National Bingo Night"...i still can't get over this one), the dutch have scored the coup d'gras in the battle for the least tasteful show. ever.
they call it the "big donor show." the creators must've used all their creative juices in comprising the premise, leaving nothing to come up with a catchy title. as in the states, there is a great debate over the merits (or lackthereof) of the show, with the producers claiming social benefit and critics--government included--claiming exploitation and smut.
the intent of the show, as you may already be aware, is to raise awareness of the shortage of donor organs in the nearly underwater, purple hazed country (perhaps they wouldn't need so many donor organs if they laid off the hash just a bit?). needless to say, the best way to draw attention to an issue like this is to create a reality show on which contestants vie for a much needed, life-saving organ...which is awarded by the family of the donor.
i'm not going to get off on some pro-american rant here, but when we have a national health crisis, such as diabetes, breast cancer, heart disease, etc., we organize marches, fundraisers, or just wait for jerry lewis to come on tv and tell us to give money. but when the dutch are running fatally low on organs they desperately need, they...create a fucking reality show? the only logical explanation is that they must've been high.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A letter to my dogs...
who can't read this 'cause they're stupid. and they're dogs.
dear dogs,
i love you guys. i really do. you're my furry little companions who are always there waiting for me when i get home from work. you're always excited to see me even if i've been gone for all of five minutes. it makes me feel good. really, it does. it's cute the way you always want my attention and your unconditional love is very much appreciated. however, since we live in a relatively confined space, i must now do what i've been remiss in doing for years....setting ground rules. so, below is a list of new rules (real time style) that, if followed, will make all our lives much more enjoyable.
new rule: when i say "bedtime," i mean for me. not you. you are a dog, which means you cannot buy or own anything. including my bed. you should learn that when i kick you off the bed 3-6 times per night, that i don't want you there. please take this under advisement.
new rule: no whining. whining is a form of communication reserved for infant humans and 28 year old males that write blogs. since you have no manner in which to convey what you really want once you've gotten my attention, you must cease and desist from whining. forever.
new rule: stay the fuck out of the bathroom garbage. i know you're a fucking dog, so it's obviously beyond your realm of comprehension, but garbage cans are for refuse--things i've used that i no longer need. please stop removing tissues, floss, and toilet paper rolls from the bathroom and strewing them about my, er, our apartment.
new rule: please don't bark at EVERYTHING. seriously. it's okay for you to bark from time to time. you're dogs, it's what you do. barking at a passing cat or dog? fine. a human? not preferable, but tolerable nonetheless. but a plastic bag being blown across the road by the wind? are you kidding? why waste your breath barking at that? stupid little furry animal.
new rule: remember, you're on a leash. since we're talking about things outside, let's review proper etiquette for walks. you have a leash around your neck, which is connected to a handle held by my hands. if you're familiar with the anatomy song (the hip bone's connected to the thigh bone, etc.) you'll recall that my hands are connected to my arms, which are held in place to my body by virtue of my shoulders. shoulders are vulnerable. so, when you take off running like you're fucking barbaro, shoulders tend to get hurt. what's worse is that you've been on a leash for walks for over 2 years....and you STILL can't remember this. please don't do that anymore.
new rule: grass is not a foodgroup. once you've stopped eating my garbage, we can move onto other things that shouldn't remain staples of your diet. for instance, grass and the things and substances that may be contained therein. one of you sniffs the grass incessantly, as if it'll give you a high like a magic marker. the other chomps at the grass with each step, emulating a grazing cattle, i suppose. have you not figured out yet that this is one of the primary causes of you having painful, nasty shits? do us all a favor and stick to the food i feed you. believe it or not, "dad" knows best.
new rule: socks belong on feet, not in your mouth. i'm not even sure how you manage to get ahold of my socks. they're either in a drawer or in a hamper with a lid. yet, somehow, i come home to find at least one of them in the living room, usually between your feet as you look up at me as if to say, "oh, you mean this sock?" actually, i mean all of them. don't eat my socks, god damnit.
and finally...
new rule: you are essentially brother and sister and incest is not permitted in colorado, even of the canine variety (okay, i made that part up. but still, gross). one of you i got from the pound. i rescued you, had you fixed, made sure you were a healthy, pretty puppy. i guess i did too well 'cause the other one of you, whom dog #1 found in a field, cannot hold back your primal needs when she's around. frankly, it's appalling. or maybe unnerving considering, well, you don't have any manhood left because you were fixed too. look, i know all about sexual frustration and i know that you guys are the reason we have the term "doggy style." but please, do your human a favor and keep it in your pants. er, keep it in your fur. enjoy the fact you have company when i'm not around; you have someone to occupy you and to help get you into trouble. but when friends (or brothers and sisters) get sexually involved, nothing good can come out of it. just ask angelina jolie's brother.
dogs, following these simple rules will give us all better lives. i'll be much less tense around you, much less likely to blow up at you, and generally even nicer to you than i am right now. i think we can all agree on 2 things moving forward to improve our living arrangement: 1) you'll leave my stuff alone, as i'll leave yours and 2) let's leave the fucking to the humans. mmmkay?
dear dogs,
i love you guys. i really do. you're my furry little companions who are always there waiting for me when i get home from work. you're always excited to see me even if i've been gone for all of five minutes. it makes me feel good. really, it does. it's cute the way you always want my attention and your unconditional love is very much appreciated. however, since we live in a relatively confined space, i must now do what i've been remiss in doing for years....setting ground rules. so, below is a list of new rules (real time style) that, if followed, will make all our lives much more enjoyable.
new rule: when i say "bedtime," i mean for me. not you. you are a dog, which means you cannot buy or own anything. including my bed. you should learn that when i kick you off the bed 3-6 times per night, that i don't want you there. please take this under advisement.
new rule: no whining. whining is a form of communication reserved for infant humans and 28 year old males that write blogs. since you have no manner in which to convey what you really want once you've gotten my attention, you must cease and desist from whining. forever.
new rule: stay the fuck out of the bathroom garbage. i know you're a fucking dog, so it's obviously beyond your realm of comprehension, but garbage cans are for refuse--things i've used that i no longer need. please stop removing tissues, floss, and toilet paper rolls from the bathroom and strewing them about my, er, our apartment.
new rule: please don't bark at EVERYTHING. seriously. it's okay for you to bark from time to time. you're dogs, it's what you do. barking at a passing cat or dog? fine. a human? not preferable, but tolerable nonetheless. but a plastic bag being blown across the road by the wind? are you kidding? why waste your breath barking at that? stupid little furry animal.
new rule: remember, you're on a leash. since we're talking about things outside, let's review proper etiquette for walks. you have a leash around your neck, which is connected to a handle held by my hands. if you're familiar with the anatomy song (the hip bone's connected to the thigh bone, etc.) you'll recall that my hands are connected to my arms, which are held in place to my body by virtue of my shoulders. shoulders are vulnerable. so, when you take off running like you're fucking barbaro, shoulders tend to get hurt. what's worse is that you've been on a leash for walks for over 2 years....and you STILL can't remember this. please don't do that anymore.
new rule: grass is not a foodgroup. once you've stopped eating my garbage, we can move onto other things that shouldn't remain staples of your diet. for instance, grass and the things and substances that may be contained therein. one of you sniffs the grass incessantly, as if it'll give you a high like a magic marker. the other chomps at the grass with each step, emulating a grazing cattle, i suppose. have you not figured out yet that this is one of the primary causes of you having painful, nasty shits? do us all a favor and stick to the food i feed you. believe it or not, "dad" knows best.
new rule: socks belong on feet, not in your mouth. i'm not even sure how you manage to get ahold of my socks. they're either in a drawer or in a hamper with a lid. yet, somehow, i come home to find at least one of them in the living room, usually between your feet as you look up at me as if to say, "oh, you mean this sock?" actually, i mean all of them. don't eat my socks, god damnit.
and finally...
new rule: you are essentially brother and sister and incest is not permitted in colorado, even of the canine variety (okay, i made that part up. but still, gross). one of you i got from the pound. i rescued you, had you fixed, made sure you were a healthy, pretty puppy. i guess i did too well 'cause the other one of you, whom dog #1 found in a field, cannot hold back your primal needs when she's around. frankly, it's appalling. or maybe unnerving considering, well, you don't have any manhood left because you were fixed too. look, i know all about sexual frustration and i know that you guys are the reason we have the term "doggy style." but please, do your human a favor and keep it in your pants. er, keep it in your fur. enjoy the fact you have company when i'm not around; you have someone to occupy you and to help get you into trouble. but when friends (or brothers and sisters) get sexually involved, nothing good can come out of it. just ask angelina jolie's brother.
dogs, following these simple rules will give us all better lives. i'll be much less tense around you, much less likely to blow up at you, and generally even nicer to you than i am right now. i think we can all agree on 2 things moving forward to improve our living arrangement: 1) you'll leave my stuff alone, as i'll leave yours and 2) let's leave the fucking to the humans. mmmkay?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Might as Well be Walking on the Sun
how i came to realize that i'm an idiot:
saturday morning, 8:10am
j: nice shot dude! you're nuttin' that club today.
me: yeah, not bad. fuck, it's hot already? it's not even 9am yet.
j2: it's gonna get hotter. good thing we have carts and good thing i'm mexican....i'm used to this shit.
j: you should try going to vietnam in the summer. talk about fucking hot.
me: why the hell would i go there in the summer? that's just gluttony. and you both suck for not being white. buy me a drink.
(after 5 holes...)
me: look at my fucking hat. it's drenched already and it's hotter than a slave ship out here!
j: must suck to be white sometimes.
me: yeah, good thing i brought.....oh FUCK!
j2: you forgot your sunscreen didn't you?
me: yeah.
j2: how long have you lived out here?
me: almost 3 years.
j2: almost 3 years and you still manage to forget sunscreen? idiot. you're gonna fry.
me: probably.
j: that sucks for you, dude. lemme see. (sees my red neck) holy shit, man, you're gonna be in pain for a while.
me: that bad?
j: no, i always say "holy shit" when something isn't that bad. i'd recommend not showering the rest of the weekend. you're like fire-engine red and a shower is gonna hurt like a mofo!
me: sweet. this happens every summer out here. it's like my memory is reset over the winter and i always manage to get torched at the beginning of the summer.
j +j2: stupid white boy idiot mother fucker. (smack me simultaneously on the back of the neck.
me: (sigh).
saturday morning, 8:10am
j: nice shot dude! you're nuttin' that club today.
me: yeah, not bad. fuck, it's hot already? it's not even 9am yet.
j2: it's gonna get hotter. good thing we have carts and good thing i'm mexican....i'm used to this shit.
j: you should try going to vietnam in the summer. talk about fucking hot.
me: why the hell would i go there in the summer? that's just gluttony. and you both suck for not being white. buy me a drink.
(after 5 holes...)
me: look at my fucking hat. it's drenched already and it's hotter than a slave ship out here!
j: must suck to be white sometimes.
me: yeah, good thing i brought.....oh FUCK!
j2: you forgot your sunscreen didn't you?
me: yeah.
j2: how long have you lived out here?
me: almost 3 years.
j2: almost 3 years and you still manage to forget sunscreen? idiot. you're gonna fry.
me: probably.
j: that sucks for you, dude. lemme see. (sees my red neck) holy shit, man, you're gonna be in pain for a while.
me: that bad?
j: no, i always say "holy shit" when something isn't that bad. i'd recommend not showering the rest of the weekend. you're like fire-engine red and a shower is gonna hurt like a mofo!
me: sweet. this happens every summer out here. it's like my memory is reset over the winter and i always manage to get torched at the beginning of the summer.
j +j2: stupid white boy idiot mother fucker. (smack me simultaneously on the back of the neck.
me: (sigh).
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Side-Walk
n. path for pedestrians on the side of a street.
that's right, the sidewalk is meant for walking. go figure. so, why then must you use the sidewalk as your personal bike lane? you're an adult. you should be responsible. you should know the rules of the road by now. and should have been wearing a helmet. asshat.
you ride on the sidewalk with your shitty ass bike wearing headphones--a no-no in heavy traffic areas--and are riding in the wrong. fucking. direction. what's more, you have the gall to dismount said bike, remove said headphones from your pudgy, ugly ass head and incite an argument because--GASP--dogs want to chase after a moving vehicle( yeah, a bike is a vehicle, you silly trollop) that shouldn't have been on the sidewalk in the first place!
i'm a cyclist. you're a heffer who somehow managed to find a bike that would support her immense weight. i follow the rules of the road. you don't even ride on it. get a brain, get a clue, or get of your god damned bike.
whore.
PS. in most cities, riding a bike on the sidewalk, provided you're not a child, is illegal and punishable by fines.
that's right, the sidewalk is meant for walking. go figure. so, why then must you use the sidewalk as your personal bike lane? you're an adult. you should be responsible. you should know the rules of the road by now. and should have been wearing a helmet. asshat.
you ride on the sidewalk with your shitty ass bike wearing headphones--a no-no in heavy traffic areas--and are riding in the wrong. fucking. direction. what's more, you have the gall to dismount said bike, remove said headphones from your pudgy, ugly ass head and incite an argument because--GASP--dogs want to chase after a moving vehicle( yeah, a bike is a vehicle, you silly trollop) that shouldn't have been on the sidewalk in the first place!
i'm a cyclist. you're a heffer who somehow managed to find a bike that would support her immense weight. i follow the rules of the road. you don't even ride on it. get a brain, get a clue, or get of your god damned bike.
whore.
PS. in most cities, riding a bike on the sidewalk, provided you're not a child, is illegal and punishable by fines.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Tall Glass of Milf
i live next to the rich area of denver. the boulevard is really what separates the haves from the have-nots or almost beens. but, since we're in such close proximity, we do share several things...like target.
the target by my place is reknowned for good looking women. college aged, middle aged, almost old aged. you name it, we've got em. and they're hot. i went there today to pick up a few items, and while standing in line my gaze was met by two super milfs. i noticed many more as i was walking through the store, so many so that i nearly forgot to recognize all the cutie little college girls running around too.
this brought up an interesting thought in my mind: why, all of a sudden (within the past year), have i found myself much more attracted to hot mommies than sultry college coeds or young professionals? sure, i still turn my head at the sight of smokin' hot blonde that just came from the gym. but my eyes have gravitated, inexplicably, toward the mommies of the world. i'm not old by any stretch, nor am i "middle aged", AND i hate kids. those 3 qualifications alone should mandate that i gawk needlessly only at the girls my age or younger (not YOUNGER (gross), but younger as in a couple of years or so).
i chalk it up to the fantasy of the whole thing. ya know, the mrs. robinson syndrome, if you will. obviously i choose to date girls closer to my age, but there's just something more mystifying (sometimes) to me about a hot mom than there is about a fit 20-something. i hope it's not part of the, um, maturation process. nor do i hope it signifies that it's time to look to the older crowd for a relationship. that'd suck.
i guess the only real explanation is the simplest. the deli man spiked my food again with a magic potion to direct my attention to milfs so as to eliminate me from his competition pool. that must be it. curse you, deli man.
the target by my place is reknowned for good looking women. college aged, middle aged, almost old aged. you name it, we've got em. and they're hot. i went there today to pick up a few items, and while standing in line my gaze was met by two super milfs. i noticed many more as i was walking through the store, so many so that i nearly forgot to recognize all the cutie little college girls running around too.
this brought up an interesting thought in my mind: why, all of a sudden (within the past year), have i found myself much more attracted to hot mommies than sultry college coeds or young professionals? sure, i still turn my head at the sight of smokin' hot blonde that just came from the gym. but my eyes have gravitated, inexplicably, toward the mommies of the world. i'm not old by any stretch, nor am i "middle aged", AND i hate kids. those 3 qualifications alone should mandate that i gawk needlessly only at the girls my age or younger (not YOUNGER (gross), but younger as in a couple of years or so).
i chalk it up to the fantasy of the whole thing. ya know, the mrs. robinson syndrome, if you will. obviously i choose to date girls closer to my age, but there's just something more mystifying (sometimes) to me about a hot mom than there is about a fit 20-something. i hope it's not part of the, um, maturation process. nor do i hope it signifies that it's time to look to the older crowd for a relationship. that'd suck.
i guess the only real explanation is the simplest. the deli man spiked my food again with a magic potion to direct my attention to milfs so as to eliminate me from his competition pool. that must be it. curse you, deli man.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Requiem for a Dream
question: what is the chemical in food that causes insanely vivid, impossible, and often freakish dreams?
answer: i have no clue, but whatever it is, there's an abundance of it in whatever i've been eating. in fact, i'd venture a guess that i'm taking in about 3 times the daily recommended allowance of "it."
last night i dreamt (for the second time) that i'd returned to my college town and couldn't get out. almost "hotel california-ish" in it's you can never leave theme. i was so desperate to get out of there (in real life) that a prolonged return would be my equivalent to purgatory. ugh. thankfully i woke up, but i'm sure when i visit dreamland again, i'll still be stuck in ypsisucky.
of course, being stuck in a ghetto podunk town (yes, i'm aware of the oxymoronic qualities of this assessment. you really have to go there to see for yourself) pales in comparison to being convicted of murder. i'm fuzzy on the details of that dream, but i know that i was sentenced to life in prison...at OZ (see, i told you it's fucked up).
naturally, the murder conviction dream was only slightly less palatable than the animal abuser/cruelty one. that one actually made me physically ill. in fact, i woke up mid-dream because i was so nauseated by the imagery.
and what dream sequence would be complete, speaking of imagery, without a jaunt through a grand canyon-like landscape while flying on a pink dinosaur with wings? never ending story anyone? cripes.
so, to recap, in the past few weeks i've been stranded in a town i hate, convicted of murder, abused puppies, kittens and horses, and flown on pink dinosaurs with wings through a fanciful landscape. there MUST be something in my food. makes me want to stop eating. or sleeping. or both. i bet it's that damned deli kid.
answer: i have no clue, but whatever it is, there's an abundance of it in whatever i've been eating. in fact, i'd venture a guess that i'm taking in about 3 times the daily recommended allowance of "it."
last night i dreamt (for the second time) that i'd returned to my college town and couldn't get out. almost "hotel california-ish" in it's you can never leave theme. i was so desperate to get out of there (in real life) that a prolonged return would be my equivalent to purgatory. ugh. thankfully i woke up, but i'm sure when i visit dreamland again, i'll still be stuck in ypsisucky.
of course, being stuck in a ghetto podunk town (yes, i'm aware of the oxymoronic qualities of this assessment. you really have to go there to see for yourself) pales in comparison to being convicted of murder. i'm fuzzy on the details of that dream, but i know that i was sentenced to life in prison...at OZ (see, i told you it's fucked up).
naturally, the murder conviction dream was only slightly less palatable than the animal abuser/cruelty one. that one actually made me physically ill. in fact, i woke up mid-dream because i was so nauseated by the imagery.
and what dream sequence would be complete, speaking of imagery, without a jaunt through a grand canyon-like landscape while flying on a pink dinosaur with wings? never ending story anyone? cripes.
so, to recap, in the past few weeks i've been stranded in a town i hate, convicted of murder, abused puppies, kittens and horses, and flown on pink dinosaurs with wings through a fanciful landscape. there MUST be something in my food. makes me want to stop eating. or sleeping. or both. i bet it's that damned deli kid.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
European Vacation
i'm not much of a PBS guy, but i must rave about "rick steve's europe" series on the free channel. yeah, he's geeky, pretty bland, and surprisingly married, but his shows are incredibly informative and interesting. they're chock full of interesting historical tidbits about the location he's in, which is often off the beaten path.
obviously, his show is 180 degrees from E!'s "wild on" series, but that's the charm of the show. it's simple, cheaply made, with no fancy, well, anything. it's great late night weekend viewing (check your local listings). i now have a jones to hit tuscany, florence, venice, certain places in switzerland and a few locales in germany. all because of mr. boring steve's. thanks rick!
obviously, his show is 180 degrees from E!'s "wild on" series, but that's the charm of the show. it's simple, cheaply made, with no fancy, well, anything. it's great late night weekend viewing (check your local listings). i now have a jones to hit tuscany, florence, venice, certain places in switzerland and a few locales in germany. all because of mr. boring steve's. thanks rick!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Movie review
Disturbia....in a hundred words or lesscomedic beginning. charming, witty. shia lebouf is an up and coming star with tremendous character flexibility. carrie ann moss, hot mommy. dad dies. sad and destructive. little neighbor kids annoying as hell. we all have them. new neighbor girl scorching hot. new neighbor guy creepy as hell. asian friend stereotypical, but uber funny. screams like a girl.
slasher/screamer movie not expected. plot reminiscent of “rear window.” very hitchcock-ish. not a word. doesn’t count. high intensity, seemingly never-ending drama. wrought with paranoia, which turns to truth. occam’s razor at its core.
perfect mix of comedy, horror, suspense, and thrills. Score: A-
word count: 100, not including "hitchcock-ish."Friday, May 11, 2007
FORE!
i played golf yesterday. "played" is really a loose term here. more accurately, i was on a golf course yesterday, swinging clubs, hitting a ball, and then going off on an adventure to find said ball. actually, it was like a search party come to think of it. "JY, search party of 3. your ball is lost."
god, it was awesome. i forgot, since i haven't played in over a year, just how fun it is to "spoil a good walk (screw you mark twain. you're an idiot. posthumously.). being out with the boys, discussing boy stuff and screaming at an inanimate object to do what you want may be the pinnacle of life. now i have the bug, but not the money. is there such a thing as whoring for golf? i'm not too proud and i'll do it. i swear i will.
oh yeah, hey summer, thanks for FINALLY coming. we've been expecting you. cheers everyone!
god, it was awesome. i forgot, since i haven't played in over a year, just how fun it is to "spoil a good walk (screw you mark twain. you're an idiot. posthumously.). being out with the boys, discussing boy stuff and screaming at an inanimate object to do what you want may be the pinnacle of life. now i have the bug, but not the money. is there such a thing as whoring for golf? i'm not too proud and i'll do it. i swear i will.
oh yeah, hey summer, thanks for FINALLY coming. we've been expecting you. cheers everyone!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
It's early. So Shut the F*CK UP!
attention all gym members: there is a new policy in place effective immediately. if you are in the gym at or before 5am, you MUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
i was at the gym at 4:45 this morning completing workout number 1 of the day (i'm currently in 2-a-day training for elephant rock ride, which is a mere 3 weeks away. between being injured, stressing over my stupid ass exam and our shitty spring weather, i needed some drastic measures to get ready). apparently the two college-aged chatty cathy's didn't get the memo. the ONE time i decide i'm not awake enough to listen to music while i'm working out, i get stuck next to these two broads, forced to listen to 30 minutes of incessant cackling, giggling and a shriek/laugh mix that sounded like something that may come from the serengetti.
hey broads, read the sign: if you're at the gym at or before 5am, you must SHUT THE FUCK UP. enjoy your "work-out."
i was at the gym at 4:45 this morning completing workout number 1 of the day (i'm currently in 2-a-day training for elephant rock ride, which is a mere 3 weeks away. between being injured, stressing over my stupid ass exam and our shitty spring weather, i needed some drastic measures to get ready). apparently the two college-aged chatty cathy's didn't get the memo. the ONE time i decide i'm not awake enough to listen to music while i'm working out, i get stuck next to these two broads, forced to listen to 30 minutes of incessant cackling, giggling and a shriek/laugh mix that sounded like something that may come from the serengetti.
hey broads, read the sign: if you're at the gym at or before 5am, you must SHUT THE FUCK UP. enjoy your "work-out."
Friday, May 04, 2007
I coulda been a contenda
update from yesterday...the test is over. it sucked. hard. i didn't do poorly, but i certainly don't believe my score reflects anything about me, other than the fact that i find math about the most useless discipline for a marketing guy. i did just above average, which is not what i am by any stretch. anyway, after some consideration and even a conversation or two with admissions reps at select schools (thanks for your advice, katz people), i'll taking it again come august. this time, however, i'll be fully prepared.
i wasn't ready for the onslaught of confusion. it was pyschological warfare, really. sure, it's one thing to have a grasp of the material, but all GMAT takers know going in that it's a computer adaptive test, meaning you get a harder question following a correct answer and an easier one following an incorrect answer. it is nearly impossible not to crawl inside your own head while taking the test and try to examine what must've happened on the last question. you realize, "shit, this is a hard question. i must've gotten the last one right," and thus you self impose even more pressure.
not to mention the prison-like accomodations. actually, the test center is quite nice. it's clean, updated and such. but it's ANYTHING but comforting or comfortable. in fact, it's just a cube farm, but with cameras overhead and a glass monitoring station behind. any time you need anything, anything at all, you must raise your hand and wait for the administrator to come help. for breaks, you must be escorted to and from your desk, stopping to have your fingerprint scanned upon entrance and exit.
all in all, it's a lot to take in. it's pretty overwhelming. oh yeah, then there's the test itself. so, next time (mid-late august) i'll be better prepared. not only will i study on my own--though not for 5 months this time--but i'll also be enrolling shortly in a prep class offered by DU (that's university of denver for those not living here. yes, i know, it's backwards. don't ask). i'd like to take a kaplan course, but at $1200 a pop, DU's $400 course is a better value. either way, i'll come out with a better score, i'm convinced of it, which will justify spending more $$ in the near term. right?
btw, anybody know where i can find descartes' grave? i'd like to piss on it. or exhume him and beat the hell of him.
i wasn't ready for the onslaught of confusion. it was pyschological warfare, really. sure, it's one thing to have a grasp of the material, but all GMAT takers know going in that it's a computer adaptive test, meaning you get a harder question following a correct answer and an easier one following an incorrect answer. it is nearly impossible not to crawl inside your own head while taking the test and try to examine what must've happened on the last question. you realize, "shit, this is a hard question. i must've gotten the last one right," and thus you self impose even more pressure.
not to mention the prison-like accomodations. actually, the test center is quite nice. it's clean, updated and such. but it's ANYTHING but comforting or comfortable. in fact, it's just a cube farm, but with cameras overhead and a glass monitoring station behind. any time you need anything, anything at all, you must raise your hand and wait for the administrator to come help. for breaks, you must be escorted to and from your desk, stopping to have your fingerprint scanned upon entrance and exit.
all in all, it's a lot to take in. it's pretty overwhelming. oh yeah, then there's the test itself. so, next time (mid-late august) i'll be better prepared. not only will i study on my own--though not for 5 months this time--but i'll also be enrolling shortly in a prep class offered by DU (that's university of denver for those not living here. yes, i know, it's backwards. don't ask). i'd like to take a kaplan course, but at $1200 a pop, DU's $400 course is a better value. either way, i'll come out with a better score, i'm convinced of it, which will justify spending more $$ in the near term. right?
btw, anybody know where i can find descartes' grave? i'd like to piss on it. or exhume him and beat the hell of him.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
GMATically Correct
tomorrow's the big day. seriously, i don't know if i put this much effort into all of my undergrad classes combined. but, tomorrow is GMAT day and i'm ready. i think. actually, i'm not so sure i'm ready. but since i'll be mid-test 12 hours from now, i guess i have to be ready for all intents and purposes.
it's weird that i'm nervous. i don't tend to get nervous very often or for very many reasons. except maybe if i have a gun pulled on me, or i'm interviewing for a position that's waayyyyy above my capabilities but that i really want. or, when i'm faced with an exam that schools claim isn't the be all, end all to their admissions process (when really we know it's a hugely significant factor). but i'm not normally nervous. especially when i know that if i don't do so hot the first time, i can take it again over the next couple of months. but i'm nervous. and ready. i think. maybe i'll get some sleep tonight. probably not, though. i don't sleep well anyway. it's okay. my brain functions better with little sleep and lots o' caffeine.
yeah, i'm ready. bring it.
**update to come tomorrow. fingers crossed it'll be above average news.
it's weird that i'm nervous. i don't tend to get nervous very often or for very many reasons. except maybe if i have a gun pulled on me, or i'm interviewing for a position that's waayyyyy above my capabilities but that i really want. or, when i'm faced with an exam that schools claim isn't the be all, end all to their admissions process (when really we know it's a hugely significant factor). but i'm not normally nervous. especially when i know that if i don't do so hot the first time, i can take it again over the next couple of months. but i'm nervous. and ready. i think. maybe i'll get some sleep tonight. probably not, though. i don't sleep well anyway. it's okay. my brain functions better with little sleep and lots o' caffeine.
yeah, i'm ready. bring it.
**update to come tomorrow. fingers crossed it'll be above average news.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Remember that dream where you're falling?
yeah, well, mine came true. after 2 full years of riding consistently and often, i had my first crash on saturday. my friends all told me it would happen someday. i just didn't think it'd be my first ride of the season. just for the record, it fucking sucked. a lot. could have been worse, since i wasn't going that fast (approx. 15 mph), but i lost some skin and sprain a wrist. good thing i had a dorky helmet on...since i slammed my head on the pavement. that was fun. falling sucks. not recommended. don't do it.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
It's Late and I'm Pissed
so, i'm at the neighborhood corporate coffee shop plugging away at impossible math questions, ridiculous sentence corrections and horrifically boring reading comprehension questions. GMAT is 7 days away and i'm getting in some final study prep. 3 hours into a practice exam, my script goes completely haywire and crashes my system....losing ALL of the work i'd done. so i don't even know how i was doing, didn't get any type of score, and have to redo it tomorrow. sometimes i really fucking hate technology. t-minus 7 days till i get my life back. bastard admissions people.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Delicamessin'
why do the people at the deli counter insist on wrapping the zip lock part of the bag underneath the price sticker? is it because they know that when you try to open the bag by slowly ripping off the sticker that it'll rip your entire bag? maybe it's a conspiracy. or they're trained to do it to increase revenue. yeah, that's it. they do it so that as soon as you rip open the bag of whatever lunchmeat or cheese you just purchased, you'll have only a few days before you have to run right back because your stuff has spoiled. sneaky deli man. never trust anyone with a meat slicer.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A Vote for Myspace
while visiting the preferred website of people ages 14-33, i noticed that there were some "cool new people" that have joined the network recently. they looked oddly familiar, if not a bit too old for the demographic, and had some pretty cool monikers like "bill," "mitt," and "barack." i thought that was interesting.
every refresh of the homepage saw another politician trying to fit in make the "cool new people" list. i'm sure some of these guys are pretty cool if you get to know them. problem is, i don't want to. it's amazing the levels these jackasses will go to to pander to the voters. not that this is a new idea or anything, but if bill richardson, mitt romney and my presidential fave, obama, think that by getting on myspace and adding 34,976,658 friends will have an impact on my vote, then they should be drafting up the termination papers for their campaign advisors.
i don't want to be your friend, politicos. i find you as a group to be disgusting, sleazy, and pathetic enough without you infiltrating my virtual social playground (believe it or not, i used to have a real-life social playground. now it's more of just a social jungle gym without the gravel below to cushion any fall).
no, what i want you to do is stop trying to be hip and innovative in your quest for the 1600 pennsylvania address and campaign like a real politician should: go out and raise ungodly amounts of money from the sheep who will believe anything you say, and spend it on attack ads, newspaper ads, special appearances in other venues i'd prefer not to see you in (save an appearance on "real time with bill maher" because i'm confident in his ability to make them uncomfortable and challenge them on certain points. it's funny watching politicians backpedal), and then make tons of promises you can't keep.
in short, i want you to take the traditional route in making me despise you just a little less than the other candidates. invading myspace has made me hate you just a little more, because now there's not a shred of evidence to counter the idea that there's nothing you people won't do to secure a vote.
the funniest part of this to me is how many more democrats are on there than republicans, given that the site is owned by sleazeball supreme, rupert murdoch, and his band of merry propagandists. but that's another story for another time. for now, end rant.
every refresh of the homepage saw another politician trying to fit in make the "cool new people" list. i'm sure some of these guys are pretty cool if you get to know them. problem is, i don't want to. it's amazing the levels these jackasses will go to to pander to the voters. not that this is a new idea or anything, but if bill richardson, mitt romney and my presidential fave, obama, think that by getting on myspace and adding 34,976,658 friends will have an impact on my vote, then they should be drafting up the termination papers for their campaign advisors.
i don't want to be your friend, politicos. i find you as a group to be disgusting, sleazy, and pathetic enough without you infiltrating my virtual social playground (believe it or not, i used to have a real-life social playground. now it's more of just a social jungle gym without the gravel below to cushion any fall).
no, what i want you to do is stop trying to be hip and innovative in your quest for the 1600 pennsylvania address and campaign like a real politician should: go out and raise ungodly amounts of money from the sheep who will believe anything you say, and spend it on attack ads, newspaper ads, special appearances in other venues i'd prefer not to see you in (save an appearance on "real time with bill maher" because i'm confident in his ability to make them uncomfortable and challenge them on certain points. it's funny watching politicians backpedal), and then make tons of promises you can't keep.
in short, i want you to take the traditional route in making me despise you just a little less than the other candidates. invading myspace has made me hate you just a little more, because now there's not a shred of evidence to counter the idea that there's nothing you people won't do to secure a vote.
the funniest part of this to me is how many more democrats are on there than republicans, given that the site is owned by sleazeball supreme, rupert murdoch, and his band of merry propagandists. but that's another story for another time. for now, end rant.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
The Best Job Ever
dear station manager,
this letter is to inform you of my interest in filling your need for a chief meteorologist/weather anchor. though there is no formal posting for the position, i am fairly certain that after this weekend's debacle, there surely will be one come monday, and i simply want to be ahead of the pack.
while i may not possess the classical training or skills of most weathermen, i feel i'm certainly as unqualified for the position as your current staff is, and can bring tremendous value to your station since my salary demands (high 5 figures) are significantly lower than their current pay grade (low 6 figures). for example, had i been the one to completely botch this weekend's forecast, predicting upwards of 18 inches of snow--prompting flight cancellations at the airport--only to be followed by clear skies and 65 degrees, think of how much your station could have saved. you'd be a hero in the eyes of the corporate executives. meanwhile,the ratings would be through the roof since your female viewers would want to be with me, while your male viewers would, naturally, want to be me. what does that add up to? more money for the station via increased ad revenues and thus, more "bang" for your buck.
in conclusion, i feel that i'd be a tremendous asset to the weather team and make the station even more financially successful that it already is. undoubtedly you seek a team player who can savagely butcher a forecast without hesitation or apprehension. simply stated, you're looking for me. please review my lack of qualifications and feel free to contact me at the phone number or email address listed atop my resume.
sincerely,
JY
this letter is to inform you of my interest in filling your need for a chief meteorologist/weather anchor. though there is no formal posting for the position, i am fairly certain that after this weekend's debacle, there surely will be one come monday, and i simply want to be ahead of the pack.
while i may not possess the classical training or skills of most weathermen, i feel i'm certainly as unqualified for the position as your current staff is, and can bring tremendous value to your station since my salary demands (high 5 figures) are significantly lower than their current pay grade (low 6 figures). for example, had i been the one to completely botch this weekend's forecast, predicting upwards of 18 inches of snow--prompting flight cancellations at the airport--only to be followed by clear skies and 65 degrees, think of how much your station could have saved. you'd be a hero in the eyes of the corporate executives. meanwhile,the ratings would be through the roof since your female viewers would want to be with me, while your male viewers would, naturally, want to be me. what does that add up to? more money for the station via increased ad revenues and thus, more "bang" for your buck.
in conclusion, i feel that i'd be a tremendous asset to the weather team and make the station even more financially successful that it already is. undoubtedly you seek a team player who can savagely butcher a forecast without hesitation or apprehension. simply stated, you're looking for me. please review my lack of qualifications and feel free to contact me at the phone number or email address listed atop my resume.
sincerely,
JY
The Cornfield: Don Ho
no, not nappy headed ho. "tiny bubbles" don ho passed away today at 76 years of age. yet another victim of heart disease. rest in peace, bra'.
Upon Further Review
....my performance review will only be about 2 weeks later than the stated date. which is also about 3 months later than originally expected. i will, however, be getting a raise before my review is even complete. only time (next payday) will tell how much i'm getting. suffice it to say it won't be nearly what i'm worth. but, hey, at least she's not the only one that kicks ass at her job.
i'm thinking that since my review is so late, i'll charge the company interest for every business day that it's late beyond the stated date. so, by my records, by the time it actually will occur, i'll be getting at least another 5k added on. that'll be nice...cuz i'm worth it. yeah, that'll work.
i'm thinking that since my review is so late, i'll charge the company interest for every business day that it's late beyond the stated date. so, by my records, by the time it actually will occur, i'll be getting at least another 5k added on. that'll be nice...cuz i'm worth it. yeah, that'll work.
Monday, April 09, 2007
To Every Season...Turn the Channel!
i love ESPN. i love sports. it's common knowledge at this point that i'll watch most every sport, with a few notable exceptions. if i could only have 5 tv channels the rest of my life, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network would top the list. but lately, the worldwide leader has done some really annoying shit...like mix up the sports seasons.
look, it's april, okay? college basketball just ended, the nba is mercifully winding down, and the national pasttime is heating up (except in cleveland, where they got 10 inches of snow. ha ha.). so why does ESPN insist on scheduling NFL primetime every night? unless i missed something, i'm pretty certain that the last meaningful NFL game was played in february (no, the pro bowl doesn't count. it's a lame excuse for rich guys to get a free trip to hawaii. 'cause they really need it). so why the incessant coverage? sure, the draft is "exciting." but when this ridiculous coverage started, it was also more than a month away.
meanwhile, baseball's opening day got some dap. it got some tv coverage from the family of networks. and, of course, baseball tonight--the world's greatest show--premiered (why BBTN had to wait till opening day to premiere, while NFL primetime gets started 6 months early is beyond me). it used to be that each sport had a nightly recap show that got its own hour. NFL primetime, BBTN, NBA fastbreak and a few others (is NHL tonight still around?). this season, however, they cut the NBA and MLB shows to 40 minutes, and gave NFL primetime the leftover 40. what the hell?
this would make perfect sense if we were talking about the NFL Network. ya know, 'cause they kind of have to. the league's name is on the network for cripe's sake. but ESPN, the "worldwide leader in sports?" c'mon.
the NFL is all well and good. i like it (though i still prefer saturday football to sunday football. something about passion and pride just seems to win out for me over money), but for fuck's sake, if it's the offseason, limit your coverage to, oh here's a novel idea, breaking news! like when mike vick decides he can't wait to get home to smoke his weed and wants to carry some on the plane. or when one of my bengals gets arrested in an attempt to set some sort of world record. but the draft? how many different ways can you say that jamarcus russell has a great arm (not that it matters, the raiders will find a way to fuck him up)?
yeah, it's impressive russell can throw a ball 50 yards from his ass, or that brett far vrah is coming back for a 17th season and is going to break some records. but can't this wait till, oh, september when it actually matters? or better yet, right before it happens so we can enjoy the other "major" sports in the world?
there are no fewer than 4 ESPN channels (plus ABC on weekends). you'd think they could find SOME time during the week to cover the sports that are actually in season. novel idea, indeed.
look, it's april, okay? college basketball just ended, the nba is mercifully winding down, and the national pasttime is heating up (except in cleveland, where they got 10 inches of snow. ha ha.). so why does ESPN insist on scheduling NFL primetime every night? unless i missed something, i'm pretty certain that the last meaningful NFL game was played in february (no, the pro bowl doesn't count. it's a lame excuse for rich guys to get a free trip to hawaii. 'cause they really need it). so why the incessant coverage? sure, the draft is "exciting." but when this ridiculous coverage started, it was also more than a month away.
meanwhile, baseball's opening day got some dap. it got some tv coverage from the family of networks. and, of course, baseball tonight--the world's greatest show--premiered (why BBTN had to wait till opening day to premiere, while NFL primetime gets started 6 months early is beyond me). it used to be that each sport had a nightly recap show that got its own hour. NFL primetime, BBTN, NBA fastbreak and a few others (is NHL tonight still around?). this season, however, they cut the NBA and MLB shows to 40 minutes, and gave NFL primetime the leftover 40. what the hell?
this would make perfect sense if we were talking about the NFL Network. ya know, 'cause they kind of have to. the league's name is on the network for cripe's sake. but ESPN, the "worldwide leader in sports?" c'mon.
the NFL is all well and good. i like it (though i still prefer saturday football to sunday football. something about passion and pride just seems to win out for me over money), but for fuck's sake, if it's the offseason, limit your coverage to, oh here's a novel idea, breaking news! like when mike vick decides he can't wait to get home to smoke his weed and wants to carry some on the plane. or when one of my bengals gets arrested in an attempt to set some sort of world record. but the draft? how many different ways can you say that jamarcus russell has a great arm (not that it matters, the raiders will find a way to fuck him up)?
yeah, it's impressive russell can throw a ball 50 yards from his ass, or that brett far vrah is coming back for a 17th season and is going to break some records. but can't this wait till, oh, september when it actually matters? or better yet, right before it happens so we can enjoy the other "major" sports in the world?
there are no fewer than 4 ESPN channels (plus ABC on weekends). you'd think they could find SOME time during the week to cover the sports that are actually in season. novel idea, indeed.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Late Night Review: The Lookout
usually, "psychological thrillers" and charcter dramas are contrived, forced and utter rip-offs of their predecessors. they're often unimaginative, unoriginal and simply ordinary. the premise has been overdone, the plot poorly planned, the script uninspired, and the acting is something straight out of a collegiate drama course. the exception to the rule is "the lookout."
i'm not sure where to begin with a description that will do the film justice. jeff daniels will win an award of some sort for his supporting role--where he belongs. and his portrayal of his blind-man character who befriends a former high school star athlete (joseph gordon levitt) who'd suffered severe brain trauma in an auto accident is nothing short of stellar.
the characters' relationship isn't the standard mentor/pupil dynamic. it's a much deeper bond, a true friendship despite their difference in age and background. they look out for one another, and work together to overcome their various disabilities.
naive and lacking the mental capacity to see through the feaux friendship forged with bank heist ring leader, gary (matthew goode), levitt's "chris" gets caught up in a not-so-complex scheme to rob the bank for which he works.
throughout the film, levitt battles flashbacks of his accident, the frustrations of his handicaps, and often struggles with the need for instant gratification the wrong way vs. achieving long term goals the right way. goode's performance is so convincing and true, that it's easy to see how this dilemma becomes so pressing. he's everything a villain should be, but without the typical trappings directors add in to remind the audience he's the bad guy.
the violence is kept to a minimum. there aren't any explosions, and only a handful of gunshots. this is a near-perfect mix of character drama, crime/heist, and suspense. the plot and premise are unique and buck the trend of the high speed chases and large explosions usually associated with heist movies. the script is suspenseful and intense, but with spots of pure humor (provided by daniels, of course) thrown in and the acting all around gives depth to the characters--just as good acting should. "the lookout" is easily one of the best movies released in a long time, and now ranks alongside "the usual suspects" as one of my personal faves. critics give it two thumbs up and a few stars. i give it a solid "A."
i'm not sure where to begin with a description that will do the film justice. jeff daniels will win an award of some sort for his supporting role--where he belongs. and his portrayal of his blind-man character who befriends a former high school star athlete (joseph gordon levitt) who'd suffered severe brain trauma in an auto accident is nothing short of stellar.
the characters' relationship isn't the standard mentor/pupil dynamic. it's a much deeper bond, a true friendship despite their difference in age and background. they look out for one another, and work together to overcome their various disabilities.
naive and lacking the mental capacity to see through the feaux friendship forged with bank heist ring leader, gary (matthew goode), levitt's "chris" gets caught up in a not-so-complex scheme to rob the bank for which he works.
throughout the film, levitt battles flashbacks of his accident, the frustrations of his handicaps, and often struggles with the need for instant gratification the wrong way vs. achieving long term goals the right way. goode's performance is so convincing and true, that it's easy to see how this dilemma becomes so pressing. he's everything a villain should be, but without the typical trappings directors add in to remind the audience he's the bad guy.
the violence is kept to a minimum. there aren't any explosions, and only a handful of gunshots. this is a near-perfect mix of character drama, crime/heist, and suspense. the plot and premise are unique and buck the trend of the high speed chases and large explosions usually associated with heist movies. the script is suspenseful and intense, but with spots of pure humor (provided by daniels, of course) thrown in and the acting all around gives depth to the characters--just as good acting should. "the lookout" is easily one of the best movies released in a long time, and now ranks alongside "the usual suspects" as one of my personal faves. critics give it two thumbs up and a few stars. i give it a solid "A."
Sunday, April 01, 2007
March sadness brings April gladness
march madness is almost over. another year, another busted bracket. thanks arron afflalo for not heeding my plea not to suck. and thanks roy hibbert, acie law, and the entire oral roberts team for choking when i needed you the most.
ncaa tourney time is both the greatest, most disappointing, and then greatest again time of the year for me, speaking strictly in terms of sports. i love the excitement of the first two rounds, when cinderellas and wannabes step up to the big boys. some slay goliath (thanks VCU) and some come up juuuuust a bit short (seriously, hometown Xavier, how on earth do you blow a game like that?!?!). but as quickly as the buzz comes, it goes away, always waiting till next year when my bearcats remember that they're actually a D-1 basketball program. and just when march turns into sheer disappointment, i remember that april is lurking in the shadows, waiting to erase the sadness the previous month had brought.
for all intents and purposes, the college basketball season is over for me and now, so is the month of march. i really don't care who wins monday night. instead, my march bracket sadness is giving away to my april baseball gladness. my beloveds on the north side of chicago open the season tomorrow in the city of my birth, and for the next 7 months, i'll follow every win (few), loss (many) and injury (infinite) my team endures. i'll pray for rain when we're behind, an opposing injury when we're ahead, and for a miracle to reach the series. i'll tell everyone to wait till next year when, once again, we come up painfully short. i'll pick my b-team to root for in lieu of my boys in blue. and i'll get ready to do it all over again next april, once my march sadness has subsided.
oh yeah, the shield, sopranos and entourage all return this week too. welcome to april, the month of gladness.
ncaa tourney time is both the greatest, most disappointing, and then greatest again time of the year for me, speaking strictly in terms of sports. i love the excitement of the first two rounds, when cinderellas and wannabes step up to the big boys. some slay goliath (thanks VCU) and some come up juuuuust a bit short (seriously, hometown Xavier, how on earth do you blow a game like that?!?!). but as quickly as the buzz comes, it goes away, always waiting till next year when my bearcats remember that they're actually a D-1 basketball program. and just when march turns into sheer disappointment, i remember that april is lurking in the shadows, waiting to erase the sadness the previous month had brought.
for all intents and purposes, the college basketball season is over for me and now, so is the month of march. i really don't care who wins monday night. instead, my march bracket sadness is giving away to my april baseball gladness. my beloveds on the north side of chicago open the season tomorrow in the city of my birth, and for the next 7 months, i'll follow every win (few), loss (many) and injury (infinite) my team endures. i'll pray for rain when we're behind, an opposing injury when we're ahead, and for a miracle to reach the series. i'll tell everyone to wait till next year when, once again, we come up painfully short. i'll pick my b-team to root for in lieu of my boys in blue. and i'll get ready to do it all over again next april, once my march sadness has subsided.
oh yeah, the shield, sopranos and entourage all return this week too. welcome to april, the month of gladness.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Ya'll Hirin' n' Shit?
it's no secret i work in a less than high society environment. i work with some people with felonies on their records, GEDs as their high achievements in life, and other societal rejects that just needed (and sometimes actually deserved) a second chance. such is life in a call center.
make no mistake, my job is of an executive capacity. i'm not a telemarketer. i'm a glorified account manager, sometimes sales manager, and often times HR rep. beyond my principle duties of being the face and voice of the company to the outside world, i do it all. most of the managers there do a lot, but where they all have backup and some help, i have none. i'm alone. i'm an island unto myself.
as we continue to grow, adding new clients, booking more hours from existing ones, we need new employees. interviewing is one of my least favorite activities, but a necessary evil if you're in management and you actually want your company to succeed. what i've noticed since stepping up to help out with hiring is shocking and alarming to my good senses, and an affront to everything i learned in my business curriculum (i'd say "b-school," but that's a year off). to illustrate:
you'll recall the guy who foiled crimes in his spare time. he was but one example of many of how the lesser educated, or those from less fortunate circumstances, have been ill prepared for the challenges of life...like interviewing.
we got a call recently in response to an ad we'd placed in the local paper. the voice on the other end of the line asked, "are ya'll hirin' n' shit?" stunned, our receptionist asked him to repeat himself, unsure she'd heard correctly. she did. no, asshole, we're not hiring.
there was the lady i interviewed with a lazy eye, 3 teeth, and a runny nose. yes, her nose was running and she asked for a kleenex. i didn't have one, so she decided her sleeve would be an appropriate replacement....while i was asking her interview questions. of course, the official reason i didn't hire her was that she couldn't read. at all. and through it all, she managed to avoid breaking down in tears until the very end. bravo.
of course, what story would be complete without the stay at home single mom (seriously, how do you even do that? welfare can't pay that much) who hadn't worked in 8 years? her only work experience was fast food. when she was 17. in her words she "(i) is a good people person, wit good talkin' skills." the hallmark of any good salesperson, i presume.
one of today's 6 interviews may have taken the cake....the gang banger chick who hadn't worked in 3 years because she had some personal issues to tend to. i probed a bit to learn more. mistake. i was met with a barrage of "fuckin' niggas,"bitches," "shit, dawg" and other stereotypical 'hood slang. i thought she was joking. really, i did. i tried to hold in my laughter, but when she told me her skillz made her queen bitch at her last job, i lost it. and then she lost it...any chance at a job, that is. needless to say, i removed her from the office, once i caught my breath.
stories of employees behaving badly after they've been hired are abundant, and will be saved for a rainy day. if anything, interviewing these, er, social invalids has made me better appreciate my upbringing, my education, and the opportunities i've been afforded. welcome to life in an urban call center. i can't wait till grad school comes to rescue me. dawg.
make no mistake, my job is of an executive capacity. i'm not a telemarketer. i'm a glorified account manager, sometimes sales manager, and often times HR rep. beyond my principle duties of being the face and voice of the company to the outside world, i do it all. most of the managers there do a lot, but where they all have backup and some help, i have none. i'm alone. i'm an island unto myself.
as we continue to grow, adding new clients, booking more hours from existing ones, we need new employees. interviewing is one of my least favorite activities, but a necessary evil if you're in management and you actually want your company to succeed. what i've noticed since stepping up to help out with hiring is shocking and alarming to my good senses, and an affront to everything i learned in my business curriculum (i'd say "b-school," but that's a year off). to illustrate:
you'll recall the guy who foiled crimes in his spare time. he was but one example of many of how the lesser educated, or those from less fortunate circumstances, have been ill prepared for the challenges of life...like interviewing.
we got a call recently in response to an ad we'd placed in the local paper. the voice on the other end of the line asked, "are ya'll hirin' n' shit?" stunned, our receptionist asked him to repeat himself, unsure she'd heard correctly. she did. no, asshole, we're not hiring.
there was the lady i interviewed with a lazy eye, 3 teeth, and a runny nose. yes, her nose was running and she asked for a kleenex. i didn't have one, so she decided her sleeve would be an appropriate replacement....while i was asking her interview questions. of course, the official reason i didn't hire her was that she couldn't read. at all. and through it all, she managed to avoid breaking down in tears until the very end. bravo.
of course, what story would be complete without the stay at home single mom (seriously, how do you even do that? welfare can't pay that much) who hadn't worked in 8 years? her only work experience was fast food. when she was 17. in her words she "(i) is a good people person, wit good talkin' skills." the hallmark of any good salesperson, i presume.
one of today's 6 interviews may have taken the cake....the gang banger chick who hadn't worked in 3 years because she had some personal issues to tend to. i probed a bit to learn more. mistake. i was met with a barrage of "fuckin' niggas,"bitches," "shit, dawg" and other stereotypical 'hood slang. i thought she was joking. really, i did. i tried to hold in my laughter, but when she told me her skillz made her queen bitch at her last job, i lost it. and then she lost it...any chance at a job, that is. needless to say, i removed her from the office, once i caught my breath.
stories of employees behaving badly after they've been hired are abundant, and will be saved for a rainy day. if anything, interviewing these, er, social invalids has made me better appreciate my upbringing, my education, and the opportunities i've been afforded. welcome to life in an urban call center. i can't wait till grad school comes to rescue me. dawg.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I'm Torn
so, another birthday has come and gone. no matter. i'm getting older and i no longer feel the need to celebrate multiple days for the occasion like i had in during my collegiate years. i no longer ask for many presents (some people will confirm that i've never been one who particularly likes gifts, but this year i did want a pony to fulfill a lifelong dream). and so, i've settled into my birthday routine, my annual groove if you will. people who care know the date. people who pay attention know to either not get me anything at all or keep it super simple.
i, however, didn't follow the rules and bought myself an expensive entry level mountain bike. my body, not to be outdone, presented me this year with a torn ankle ligament and frays of 2 other tendons shortly after this purchase. talk about going all out! multiple 100s of dollars on a bike and a couple thou on xrays and MRIs. now THAT'S a celebration. i also got a very fashionable boot, one that would make GPG both jealous and insecure of her own collection of footwear, and alot of sympathy...from women. i like it.
and to think, i haven't even hit the vaunted 30 year mark yet. lord knows what that birthday will hold. thankfully, i have 2 years to worry about it...and a shit ton of vicodin to ease the anguish of the thought.
i, however, didn't follow the rules and bought myself an expensive entry level mountain bike. my body, not to be outdone, presented me this year with a torn ankle ligament and frays of 2 other tendons shortly after this purchase. talk about going all out! multiple 100s of dollars on a bike and a couple thou on xrays and MRIs. now THAT'S a celebration. i also got a very fashionable boot, one that would make GPG both jealous and insecure of her own collection of footwear, and alot of sympathy...from women. i like it.
and to think, i haven't even hit the vaunted 30 year mark yet. lord knows what that birthday will hold. thankfully, i have 2 years to worry about it...and a shit ton of vicodin to ease the anguish of the thought.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The Riches, A First Look
...in 100 words or less
creepy, dark, dramatic. 2 british actors, 2 american accents. minnie driver. southern drawl. Weird. Strung out, alcoholic. Nervous, worrysome, moody. plays her part to the hilt. eddie izzard. my comedic hero. not funny, witty. mysterious, smooth, cunning, wanting the best for his family. no remorse, no regret, no plan. just vision.
son #1, white trash. son #2, older white trash. Daughter, sense of morality, but goes with the flow. Wait till age 18. Family background, gypsy and hillbilly mix. Wanderers.
Premise unique. Interesting. Original. Script average. Acting, superb. Intriguing show, not great. Entertaining. Watch next week. Grade: B-
98 words. not bad. next week, we'll focus on constructing complete sentences. g'nite.
creepy, dark, dramatic. 2 british actors, 2 american accents. minnie driver. southern drawl. Weird. Strung out, alcoholic. Nervous, worrysome, moody. plays her part to the hilt. eddie izzard. my comedic hero. not funny, witty. mysterious, smooth, cunning, wanting the best for his family. no remorse, no regret, no plan. just vision.
son #1, white trash. son #2, older white trash. Daughter, sense of morality, but goes with the flow. Wait till age 18. Family background, gypsy and hillbilly mix. Wanderers.
Premise unique. Interesting. Original. Script average. Acting, superb. Intriguing show, not great. Entertaining. Watch next week. Grade: B-
98 words. not bad. next week, we'll focus on constructing complete sentences. g'nite.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Look it up
i opened my front door today and found a stack of new phone books. yippee! i don't use the local telecommunications giant's services, but i commend them on the gesture. but seriously, is it absolutely necessary to deliver 4 phone books to a 1 bedroom apartment? even i can't lose that many things.
since al gore invented the internet web machine a number of years back, the phone book has become virtually obsolete. i should call the phone company and tell them i don't need any more books. anyone have their number?
since al gore invented the internet web machine a number of years back, the phone book has become virtually obsolete. i should call the phone company and tell them i don't need any more books. anyone have their number?
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Inspiration
with march madness in full effect, i sometimes reflect on the impact of certain athletes and personalities on my life or on society in general. i think the most inspirational sports figure in a generation wasn't an athlete, but a coach.
it's been 14 years, but i believe this is the best speech given in my lifetime regarding any topic, given by anyone, anywhere. enjoy, your moment of zen. (thanks JStew).
Jim Valvano's Espy Speech
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it's been 14 years, but i believe this is the best speech given in my lifetime regarding any topic, given by anyone, anywhere. enjoy, your moment of zen. (thanks JStew).
Jim Valvano's Espy Speech
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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Trust Me, I'm a Doctor
i'm not sure why i bother taking off work to go to the doctor anymore. what i should be doing is simply calling to schedule the most expensive tests i can find, which is essentially the end result of nearly every visit i've had in the past year. case in point, this morning's appointment:
dr: how are you?
me: well, i'm here, right?
dr: good point. so what's up?
me: (explanation).
dr: (bunch of questions to which he already has the answers, such as what medications i'm on. ya know, the ones HE PRESCRIBED TO ME.)
me: it hasn't gotten any worse, so i wasn't really worried. (insert something about better to be safe than sorry).
dr: yeah, better to be safe than sorry.
Me: (thinking): right, i just said that. thanks, dr. echo.
me: so, what's going on?
dr: could be anything really.
me: no shit.
dr: i think we'll need to do some tests to be sure. we can't keep running you through nuclear tests, 'cause they add up (not to mention i'll start to glow eventually). here are your options: test 1 will cost a few fingers. test 2 will cost an arm. test 3 will cost an arm and part of a leg, but it's the only way to really tell what's going on. it'll also involve a hospital stay of about 2 days. i know you've been shying away from test 3, which is okay, it's just not the course i would take.
me: (of course you'd go a different way, you make 5x's the salary i do). right, i think i'll avoid test 3 again. so, how 'bout i try taking _____ instead for a bit and see how that works?
dr: okay, that's a good thought for the next few days. i'm scheduling you for test 1 and for test 4, which i never told you about. after that, i'll probably prescribe you another medication which, unfortunately, doesn't have a generic (i.e. costs more than my mortgage). so, schedule that with the admin and i'll see you in a few weeks.
me: um, great.
RECAP: my suggestions were all good. doctor doesn't know. scheduled for really fucking expensive tests that will probably show that there's nothing wrong. he's the doctor, i'm broke. groovy.
dr: how are you?
me: well, i'm here, right?
dr: good point. so what's up?
me: (explanation).
dr: (bunch of questions to which he already has the answers, such as what medications i'm on. ya know, the ones HE PRESCRIBED TO ME.)
me: it hasn't gotten any worse, so i wasn't really worried. (insert something about better to be safe than sorry).
dr: yeah, better to be safe than sorry.
Me: (thinking): right, i just said that. thanks, dr. echo.
me: so, what's going on?
dr: could be anything really.
me:
dr: i think we'll need to do some tests to be sure. we can't keep running you through nuclear tests, 'cause they add up (not to mention i'll start to glow eventually). here are your options: test 1 will cost a few fingers. test 2 will cost an arm. test 3 will cost an arm and part of a leg, but it's the only way to really tell what's going on. it'll also involve a hospital stay of about 2 days. i know you've been shying away from test 3, which is okay, it's just not the course i would take.
me: (of course you'd go a different way, you make 5x's the salary i do). right, i think i'll avoid test 3 again. so, how 'bout i try taking _____ instead for a bit and see how that works?
dr: okay, that's a good thought for the next few days. i'm scheduling you for test 1 and for test 4, which i never told you about. after that, i'll probably prescribe you another medication which, unfortunately, doesn't have a generic (i.e. costs more than my mortgage). so, schedule that with the admin and i'll see you in a few weeks.
me: um, great.
RECAP: my suggestions were all good. doctor doesn't know. scheduled for really fucking expensive tests that will probably show that there's nothing wrong. he's the doctor, i'm broke. groovy.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Vigilante
it's funny how hypervigilant and overly sensitive you become once you've experienced a life-altering trauma. people who've been critically injured in car accidents are certainly more aware than most of us where the trucks, other cars, and potential dangers lie. gun shot victims are equally likely to know exact blocks of streets and parts of neighborhoods to avoid.
heart attack survivors are no different. so, as this discomfort in my chest has continued, i called my doctor this morning. i noticed this feeling a few days ago, but armed with the memory of how the first go around felt, i decided this probably wasn't much to worry about. hell, i climbed a mountain and went to the gym yesterday and actually felt better while doing both than i have while being completely sedentary.
the discomfort has persisted for about 5 days now. i called the nurse, she asked some questions and agreed after my answers that this probably wasn't anything to be alarmed about. nevertheless, the old saying "better safe than sorry" is applicable. i'll be heading to the dr. office tomorrow morning, anticipating paying an ungodly amount of money only find out i have a deep muscular strain or some sort of infection. oh well, better those than a faulty ticker.
the last few days, my attention has been completely divided between whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing and whatever sensation i'm feeling in my chest at the moment. had the discomfort intensified, i'd know (based on previous experience, thus certifying me as an expert) that'd i'd surely be in trouble. but it hasn't. it's almost like indigestion in my chest and it's more annoying than it is painful. regardless, it's high time i found out what's going on. at the very least, for my own sanity. it's quite unnerving being at the gym wondering with half a brain if my next rep may be my last. obviously i'm a bit more positive than that right now. but hey, a dead me doesn't do anyone any good. updates to follow.
heart attack survivors are no different. so, as this discomfort in my chest has continued, i called my doctor this morning. i noticed this feeling a few days ago, but armed with the memory of how the first go around felt, i decided this probably wasn't much to worry about. hell, i climbed a mountain and went to the gym yesterday and actually felt better while doing both than i have while being completely sedentary.
the discomfort has persisted for about 5 days now. i called the nurse, she asked some questions and agreed after my answers that this probably wasn't anything to be alarmed about. nevertheless, the old saying "better safe than sorry" is applicable. i'll be heading to the dr. office tomorrow morning, anticipating paying an ungodly amount of money only find out i have a deep muscular strain or some sort of infection. oh well, better those than a faulty ticker.
the last few days, my attention has been completely divided between whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing and whatever sensation i'm feeling in my chest at the moment. had the discomfort intensified, i'd know (based on previous experience, thus certifying me as an expert) that'd i'd surely be in trouble. but it hasn't. it's almost like indigestion in my chest and it's more annoying than it is painful. regardless, it's high time i found out what's going on. at the very least, for my own sanity. it's quite unnerving being at the gym wondering with half a brain if my next rep may be my last. obviously i'm a bit more positive than that right now. but hey, a dead me doesn't do anyone any good. updates to follow.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Spring Fling
my overall mood is about to change. i may very well have permagrin until october. why? spring is in the air. sure, it's supposed to snow AGAIN here in 5280 this weekend, but the rituals of spring are undeniably underway. of course i'm talking about baseball spring training, and a season of renewed hope for my beloveds on the north side.
cubs opening day is a mere 37 days away (but who's counting...oh, i am. ) and i couldn't be happier. this is easily my favorite time of year, when the boys of summer come in to save us from the doldrums of winter, to fill the january/february void left by the gridiron gladiators. certainly college basketball does an admirable job, but baseball is a 9 month obsession for some of us, and the one constant in life from february to early november.
though i'm a die-hard cub fan, i'll not be in cincinnati this year for opening day, nor in chicago for the home opener. i'll be watching on tv...most likely from the lodo launching pad, a.k.a. coors field. no, i'm not a full blown rockies fan, but it's baseball. at least for opening day, the name on the front of the jersey isn't as important as simply being in the park, hearing the phrase "play ball."
oh, i'm also taking bets on how mark prior gets injured this year.
cubs opening day is a mere 37 days away (but who's counting...oh, i am. ) and i couldn't be happier. this is easily my favorite time of year, when the boys of summer come in to save us from the doldrums of winter, to fill the january/february void left by the gridiron gladiators. certainly college basketball does an admirable job, but baseball is a 9 month obsession for some of us, and the one constant in life from february to early november.
though i'm a die-hard cub fan, i'll not be in cincinnati this year for opening day, nor in chicago for the home opener. i'll be watching on tv...most likely from the lodo launching pad, a.k.a. coors field. no, i'm not a full blown rockies fan, but it's baseball. at least for opening day, the name on the front of the jersey isn't as important as simply being in the park, hearing the phrase "play ball."
oh, i'm also taking bets on how mark prior gets injured this year.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Snowy Logic
only a few months after 3 experienced climbers died on the same mountain, 3 climbers in a party of 8 were rescued when the fell off a ledge on oregon's mt. hood. while i'm sure the families are thankful (and so am i that we don't have to read about how tragic this event was for months down the line), this really begs the question, "why do people keep trying to climb this mountain in the middle of the winter?!"
mountains are geological and topographical marvels that have been around for millenia, epochs, or even eons. why, then, can't these people just wait till summer to climb the damned thing? i'd bet money on the odds that the mountain is still there come july.
mountains are geological and topographical marvels that have been around for millenia, epochs, or even eons. why, then, can't these people just wait till summer to climb the damned thing? i'd bet money on the odds that the mountain is still there come july.
Monday, February 19, 2007
I'm Sorry...This Time I Mean It
when's the best possible time to just shut up? how 'bout after you make an anti-gay remark, then apologize, and then apologize again because you didn't "mean" to say the remark in the first place.
case in point: former NBA star, tim hardaway, he of the famous "killer crossover," told dan lebatard, in response to john amaechi's recent announcement he's gay, on his radio show that he hates gay people and would never want a gay teammate. it's certainly no shock that homophobia is rampant in the NBA, but it's flooring that someone would come straight out and say that he hates gay people.
but, in typical pathetic/contrived-athlete-apology fashion, hardaway said last week that he was sorry he said what he did, and that he shouldn't have said anything at all. only a week later--after the NBA all-star game from which he was banned, hardaway told a miami television station that he didn't "mean" to use the word 'hate.' right, just like reverend ted didn't mean to hook up with a male prostitute and buy meth. hardaway at least should have been smart enough to follow the current PR trend---when you fuck up, tell everyone you're an alcoholic and seek counseling.
it's funny how pertinent that whole everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten thing really is. hardaway would have done well to remember a simple rule we all learned when we were young: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all--and mean it.
case in point: former NBA star, tim hardaway, he of the famous "killer crossover," told dan lebatard, in response to john amaechi's recent announcement he's gay, on his radio show that he hates gay people and would never want a gay teammate. it's certainly no shock that homophobia is rampant in the NBA, but it's flooring that someone would come straight out and say that he hates gay people.
but, in typical pathetic/contrived-athlete-apology fashion, hardaway said last week that he was sorry he said what he did, and that he shouldn't have said anything at all. only a week later--after the NBA all-star game from which he was banned, hardaway told a miami television station that he didn't "mean" to use the word 'hate.' right, just like reverend ted didn't mean to hook up with a male prostitute and buy meth. hardaway at least should have been smart enough to follow the current PR trend---when you fuck up, tell everyone you're an alcoholic and seek counseling.
it's funny how pertinent that whole everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten thing really is. hardaway would have done well to remember a simple rule we all learned when we were young: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all--and mean it.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Fig Newton
let me start with an admission: i've never been to las vegas. someday i'll go. but in my almost 28 years on earth, i've yet to have the opportunity, means, or real desire to go. but, i do know a few things about vegas: what happens there tends to stay there and they want a professional sports team at some point to legitimize the city.
i've also noticed that mr. las vegas, wayne newton, can't sing for shit. you want a pro sports team? you want to be a real city rather than a freak show/distraction town? then find someone more culturally relevant than wayne newton. it would also help if that person could sing better than the drunkards at the karaoke lounge down the street or a coked-out buddy israel. i hear britney's not busy these days.
i've also noticed that mr. las vegas, wayne newton, can't sing for shit. you want a pro sports team? you want to be a real city rather than a freak show/distraction town? then find someone more culturally relevant than wayne newton. it would also help if that person could sing better than the drunkards at the karaoke lounge down the street or a coked-out buddy israel. i hear britney's not busy these days.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
We're Not in Kansas Anymore
evolution, creationsism, intelligent design...now evolution again. the kansas board of education, most famous for its part in brown v. ks board of ed. (1954), has repealed the public school guidelines for teaching intelligent design that brought about intense ridicule 2 years ago. obviously, this decision has really pissed off the religious right, which is reason enough for me to support the decision (aside from the fact that intelligent design is just dumb).
but with flip flopping of such epic proportions (the 4th change in guidelines in 8 years), i'm both amazed and thankful that national elections somehow haven't been decided (yet) by the kansas vote. at least the excuses in ohio and florida for ruining the country, fraud and old people, are more plausible than simple indecision. good grief.
but with flip flopping of such epic proportions (the 4th change in guidelines in 8 years), i'm both amazed and thankful that national elections somehow haven't been decided (yet) by the kansas vote. at least the excuses in ohio and florida for ruining the country, fraud and old people, are more plausible than simple indecision. good grief.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Katrina and the Waves
not to kick a man while he's lying under a pile of rubble, but some of those hardest hit by hurricane katrina in 2005 got slammed by what appears to be a tornado. as expected, the twister hit a trailer park near new orleans...which happened to be populated by FEMA trailers.
at some point, don't you just have to think maybe it's time to move?
at some point, don't you just have to think maybe it's time to move?
Friday, January 26, 2007
Walker, Texas Stranger
today is january 26, 2007. today, i received the jolt of my life, a shock so pulsing, i may never fully recover.
while lounging around after work, i was partaking in that favorite american pasttime: channel surfing. lifetime, weather channel, fox "news." yes, i stopped on fox news because as i was flipping, i saw a sight so bizarre, i had to stop and watch...just to make sure i hadn't lost my mind.
chuck norris--yes THAT chuck norris--walker, texas ranger, was sitting in for sean hannity on "hannity and colmes." at first i thought he was a panelist of some sort. but upon further inspection, reverend roundhouse was actually playing the role of hannity, opposite the "liberal" alan colmes.
i really don't know what more i can say about this occurrence. i'm flabbergasted. i knew the first man of fist was a conservative, but it takes a special kind of conservative to acquaint himself with fox "news." there must be some sort of "top 10" for this sort of thing, right?
while lounging around after work, i was partaking in that favorite american pasttime: channel surfing. lifetime, weather channel, fox "news." yes, i stopped on fox news because as i was flipping, i saw a sight so bizarre, i had to stop and watch...just to make sure i hadn't lost my mind.
chuck norris--yes THAT chuck norris--walker, texas ranger, was sitting in for sean hannity on "hannity and colmes." at first i thought he was a panelist of some sort. but upon further inspection, reverend roundhouse was actually playing the role of hannity, opposite the "liberal" alan colmes.
i really don't know what more i can say about this occurrence. i'm flabbergasted. i knew the first man of fist was a conservative, but it takes a special kind of conservative to acquaint himself with fox "news." there must be some sort of "top 10" for this sort of thing, right?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Crumbling Facade
fa·çade, n. f., An artificial or deceptive front.
undoubtedly a word created by a woman (a french one, at that. they're rotten bastards those french) to hide her lying, evil self. most psychologists, feminists, communication theorists, and other ists of the world believe that men have more difficulty expressing their emotions. realists, however, (and maybe cheauvanists too) understand the opposite to be true.
while they may not have all the requisite skills for formulating the actual sentences to articulately convey their feelings, most men see the world in absolutes--black and white--and will at least attempt to get their points across directly. women, on the other hand, have the stronger propensity for verbal communication, and often disguise their true emotions and message with words that are incongrous to their actions. thus, i've concluded that they have the greater difficulty in effectively expressing emotion because connivery and deception are far more devious and hurtful than simple stupidity. in this case, the ignorance of men is actually an excuse.
i won't get into the details of the event that brought about this theory, but i know this scenario to be true first hand. just know that it was a situation that involved me, a male, and a female, and in which my attempts to express my emotions and feelings toward and for this person were met with lies and deceipt, and ended in hurt.
sure, it's a theory born out of bias, emotional scarring, and limited communicative abilities, but it perfectly summarizes and captures my frame of mind immediately following such deception. eventually i'll calm down. eventually i'll get passed it and move on. and eventually, like all false fronts, hers will crumble and leave her bare self exposed and vulnerable, as it should have been from the beginning.
undoubtedly a word created by a woman (a french one, at that. they're rotten bastards those french) to hide her lying, evil self. most psychologists, feminists, communication theorists, and other ists of the world believe that men have more difficulty expressing their emotions. realists, however, (and maybe cheauvanists too) understand the opposite to be true.
while they may not have all the requisite skills for formulating the actual sentences to articulately convey their feelings, most men see the world in absolutes--black and white--and will at least attempt to get their points across directly. women, on the other hand, have the stronger propensity for verbal communication, and often disguise their true emotions and message with words that are incongrous to their actions. thus, i've concluded that they have the greater difficulty in effectively expressing emotion because connivery and deception are far more devious and hurtful than simple stupidity. in this case, the ignorance of men is actually an excuse.
i won't get into the details of the event that brought about this theory, but i know this scenario to be true first hand. just know that it was a situation that involved me, a male, and a female, and in which my attempts to express my emotions and feelings toward and for this person were met with lies and deceipt, and ended in hurt.
sure, it's a theory born out of bias, emotional scarring, and limited communicative abilities, but it perfectly summarizes and captures my frame of mind immediately following such deception. eventually i'll calm down. eventually i'll get passed it and move on. and eventually, like all false fronts, hers will crumble and leave her bare self exposed and vulnerable, as it should have been from the beginning.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Super Blah
dear peyton manning,
this letter is to inform you that i despise both you and your douche bag brother, eli. i am truly incensed that you will be participating in the super bowl. i hope that your limbs are systematically removed from your torso with a surgeon's precision by the bears' defense. please don't take this wish personally. i just hate you.
JY
PS. you are very lucky that the saints didn't make it. otherwise, everyone in the country would be hating you about this much right now because you would be seen as having stood in the way of destiny.
PPS. this year's super bowl will be boring. i will not watch. i will watch the highlights and post game interviews to see if your arms and legs are still attached. if they are, i will turn off the tv. if they aren't, i will promptly be setting up a psychic hotline and cashing in on my newfound powers of fortune telling.
this letter is to inform you that i despise both you and your douche bag brother, eli. i am truly incensed that you will be participating in the super bowl. i hope that your limbs are systematically removed from your torso with a surgeon's precision by the bears' defense. please don't take this wish personally. i just hate you.
JY
PS. you are very lucky that the saints didn't make it. otherwise, everyone in the country would be hating you about this much right now because you would be seen as having stood in the way of destiny.
PPS. this year's super bowl will be boring. i will not watch. i will watch the highlights and post game interviews to see if your arms and legs are still attached. if they are, i will turn off the tv. if they aren't, i will promptly be setting up a psychic hotline and cashing in on my newfound powers of fortune telling.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I have a date!
GASP! this would be shocking news to many if "date" were referent to me spending time with a special female. but, that's not the type of date i'm talking about. by wednesday afternoon, i will officially be registered with GMAC and will have a date with the 4 hour whore known as GMAT.
for months i've been haphazardly "studying" and preparing for this mini mind marathon, with only "april or may" as my target date. may 4, 2007 is my day of reckoning. such definition both excites and scares me. i'm excited that by 1pm on said date, i'll have an idea of which, if any, MBA programs i'll have a fighting shot of getting into. i'm scared shitless because i took my first full length practice exam today and didn't do as well as i'd hoped (though i'm still not sure how to calculate my raw score. those damn guide books teach you everything except how to calculate how you did. weird.).
i now have a defined timeframe within which to work, meaning i have to plan out a schedule for the next 3.5 months to maximize my study time. for anyone that really knows me, planning isn't my strong suit. this could get interesting. nevertheless, once i figure out how to score my sample exams, i'll be able to start narrowing my "to apply" list down, since it seems to accrue more names daily (and because i can't blow my life's savings on applications!). i'd be doing myself a great disservice if i didn't cover all my bases, so feel free to recommend reputable schools as you wish, or provide any first-hand feedback on any of these programs you may have. also, keep in mind that the schools listed here range from "i can probably get in pretty easily" to "it may take a miracle and the stars to perfectly align for me to have an outside shot of getting in." man, i can't wait to be called "student" again.
Apply to:
university of denver--daniels
university of colorado--leeds
indiana university--kelley
university of washington (seattle)--UW business school
university of pittsburgh--katz
university of south carolina--darla moore
university of michigan--ross**
columbia university--columbia business school**
georgetown university--mcdonough**
**indicates "dream schools," where an unattainable GMAT score may be required for admission.
for months i've been haphazardly "studying" and preparing for this mini mind marathon, with only "april or may" as my target date. may 4, 2007 is my day of reckoning. such definition both excites and scares me. i'm excited that by 1pm on said date, i'll have an idea of which, if any, MBA programs i'll have a fighting shot of getting into. i'm scared shitless because i took my first full length practice exam today and didn't do as well as i'd hoped (though i'm still not sure how to calculate my raw score. those damn guide books teach you everything except how to calculate how you did. weird.).
i now have a defined timeframe within which to work, meaning i have to plan out a schedule for the next 3.5 months to maximize my study time. for anyone that really knows me, planning isn't my strong suit. this could get interesting. nevertheless, once i figure out how to score my sample exams, i'll be able to start narrowing my "to apply" list down, since it seems to accrue more names daily (and because i can't blow my life's savings on applications!). i'd be doing myself a great disservice if i didn't cover all my bases, so feel free to recommend reputable schools as you wish, or provide any first-hand feedback on any of these programs you may have. also, keep in mind that the schools listed here range from "i can probably get in pretty easily" to "it may take a miracle and the stars to perfectly align for me to have an outside shot of getting in." man, i can't wait to be called "student" again.
Apply to:
university of denver--daniels
university of colorado--leeds
indiana university--kelley
university of washington (seattle)--UW business school
university of pittsburgh--katz
university of south carolina--darla moore
university of michigan--ross**
columbia university--columbia business school**
georgetown university--mcdonough**
**indicates "dream schools," where an unattainable GMAT score may be required for admission.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Hopped up on caffeine, a nightly recap
i'm antsy. i'm mentally worn out. and i'm hopped up on caffeine and can't sleep. i figured a random post may help push me toward sleep. so, with all apologies to the queen of lists, here is a short recap of my afternoon and evening...by the numbers.
1/2 a football game watched
1 apartment cleaned (completely half-assed)
2 rambunctious pups excited by a new visitor
10 combined walks for said pups
1 lunch date with an acquaintance/friend who should be more
$15 for said lunch (nice and cheap!)
1 phone call from work asking me to come in and help move
1 promise to do it tomorrow instead
2 showers
1 visit to the local bookstore/coffee shop
4 hours studying for the vaunted GMAT
325 sample questions attempted
297 answers correct
15 sighs of frustration
10 minutes spent doubting why i'm taking this fucking exam
36 ounces of pseudo espresso
1 realization that it's still a shit ton of caffeine
1 fattening baked good from said coffee shop
1,523 distractions
7 text messages included in said distractions
140 songs on the ipod to help keep focus
1 dead battery
12 glances at my books to see what i was reading/studying
1 conversation with a random arabian guy detailing the admissions standards of certain b-schools.
62 high school-aged kids bumping into my table as they passed
0 apologies...inconsiderate little shits
nope, still not tired. damnit.
1/2 a football game watched
1 apartment cleaned (completely half-assed)
2 rambunctious pups excited by a new visitor
10 combined walks for said pups
1 lunch date with an acquaintance/friend who should be more
$15 for said lunch (nice and cheap!)
1 phone call from work asking me to come in and help move
1 promise to do it tomorrow instead
2 showers
1 visit to the local bookstore/coffee shop
4 hours studying for the vaunted GMAT
325 sample questions attempted
297 answers correct
15 sighs of frustration
10 minutes spent doubting why i'm taking this fucking exam
36 ounces of pseudo espresso
1 realization that it's still a shit ton of caffeine
1 fattening baked good from said coffee shop
1,523 distractions
7 text messages included in said distractions
140 songs on the ipod to help keep focus
1 dead battery
12 glances at my books to see what i was reading/studying
1 conversation with a random arabian guy detailing the admissions standards of certain b-schools.
62 high school-aged kids bumping into my table as they passed
0 apologies...inconsiderate little shits
nope, still not tired. damnit.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Lead Story
an open letter to Fox 31 (local news, denver):
dear FOX 31,
you've done it! you've officially passed your corporate parent as the greatest sham in news media today, a feat previously thought impossible by, well, everyone!
i watched 18 minutes of your 35 minute 9pm newscast. so far here is your lineup:
-tease: weather
-lead story: weather
-on location report: bad roads
-tease: forecast
-story: retail sales
out of curiosity, do you think anything may be missing? at the time of this writing, the date is december 29, 2006 at approximately 9:30pm MST(who knows when i'll finish). maybe you've heard by now that there was a fairly significant world event going on somewhere in the middle east. something to do with the execution of a murderous tyrant at 10pm eastern time....a FULL HOUR BEFORE YOUR BROADCAST.
7 inches. 7. fucking. inches. you led off your 9pm broadcast with coverage of the "holiday blizzard, round 2," more appropriately named "the blizzard that wasn't." (aside: where the hell did all this snow come from? this isn't fucking north dakota. can we please get back to a regular colorado winter? i really miss my 50 degree high temps and bright sunshine) yet, you buried a little nugget of worldy information in your news rundown so far down in your shot sheet, that i actually found out about it from another tv station....that doesn't hit the air with its broadcast for another 30 minutes! and following it up with a gem like, "before we get to the weather, we have some other news to report," is either a hint of a twisted sense of humor beyond my comprehension, or an aversion to doing your job that merits a similar qualification.
the fact that you have the earliest broadcast timeslot but were the last to report saddam hussein's execution (yes, the abc, nbc, and cbs affiliates all broke into their regular programming to let us know about this) concerns me gravely about your priorities. your accountability to your viewers is to provide us with all the news--local, national, and global--relevant to our lives. AND, this is a big one, AND you're supposed to list the stories in order of importance. did they not teach that at the ohio school of broadcasting, pueblo campus?
i've long lambasted your parent company for being the single most biased "news" source on the face of the planet. but hell, at least they report some version of the news. saddam is dead, you tell me about the weather. genocide in darfur, you give me britney's cooch followed by highlights of bronco's practice (yes, seriously, practice). what, pray tell, will you cover in case of a nuclear holocaust, groundhog day? i wasn't aware that news corp. had purchased the syndication rights to "inside edition." let's tune into abc 7 news at 10pm to see what else you've missed. disgraceful.
sincerely and disgustedly yours,
mr. misinformed
dear FOX 31,
you've done it! you've officially passed your corporate parent as the greatest sham in news media today, a feat previously thought impossible by, well, everyone!
i watched 18 minutes of your 35 minute 9pm newscast. so far here is your lineup:
-tease: weather
-lead story: weather
-on location report: bad roads
-tease: forecast
-story: retail sales
out of curiosity, do you think anything may be missing? at the time of this writing, the date is december 29, 2006 at approximately 9:30pm MST(who knows when i'll finish). maybe you've heard by now that there was a fairly significant world event going on somewhere in the middle east. something to do with the execution of a murderous tyrant at 10pm eastern time....a FULL HOUR BEFORE YOUR BROADCAST.
7 inches. 7. fucking. inches. you led off your 9pm broadcast with coverage of the "holiday blizzard, round 2," more appropriately named "the blizzard that wasn't." (aside: where the hell did all this snow come from? this isn't fucking north dakota. can we please get back to a regular colorado winter? i really miss my 50 degree high temps and bright sunshine) yet, you buried a little nugget of worldy information in your news rundown so far down in your shot sheet, that i actually found out about it from another tv station....that doesn't hit the air with its broadcast for another 30 minutes! and following it up with a gem like, "before we get to the weather, we have some other news to report," is either a hint of a twisted sense of humor beyond my comprehension, or an aversion to doing your job that merits a similar qualification.
the fact that you have the earliest broadcast timeslot but were the last to report saddam hussein's execution (yes, the abc, nbc, and cbs affiliates all broke into their regular programming to let us know about this) concerns me gravely about your priorities. your accountability to your viewers is to provide us with all the news--local, national, and global--relevant to our lives. AND, this is a big one, AND you're supposed to list the stories in order of importance. did they not teach that at the ohio school of broadcasting, pueblo campus?
i've long lambasted your parent company for being the single most biased "news" source on the face of the planet. but hell, at least they report some version of the news. saddam is dead, you tell me about the weather. genocide in darfur, you give me britney's cooch followed by highlights of bronco's practice (yes, seriously, practice). what, pray tell, will you cover in case of a nuclear holocaust, groundhog day? i wasn't aware that news corp. had purchased the syndication rights to "inside edition." let's tune into abc 7 news at 10pm to see what else you've missed. disgraceful.
sincerely and disgustedly yours,
mr. misinformed
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
To Catch a Basic Instinct
with all apologies to the legendary jerry seinfeld, WHAT is the deal with these hidden camera shows on the major networks? "to catch a predator," "basic instinct," and some as yet unknown knock off that fox will come out with 6 months from now are on EVERY week.
sure, it started out as an idea novel to the "news" industry. but with the expansion of the news magazine show format (thanks 60 minutes for getting us started, and thanks "primetime" for setting the bar so. fucking. low.), these shows are going the way of the sitcom: unoriginal and overexposed.
the first time i saw a bunch of hilljack dudes from georgia getting arrested after driving 3 hours to meet who they thought was a 13 year-old girl was very, very disturbing. 3 or 4 in the first show was shocking; shocking to know that pedophelia (or whatever the appropriate term is regarding early adolescents) is perpetrated by guys my age that look, at the very least, normal, and shocking to know that it's so prevalent. naturally, the shock value has all but disappeared once a viewer gets to the point where he knows exactly what's going to by said and how the whole thing will play out.
what does continue to amaze me, however, is that the producers seem to think they can pull a fast one on me with doozies like, "...but john doe is in for an even bigger surprise...", as if i've managed to forget the 60 guys that have been arrested on camera over the past 2 months.
sometimes networks need to know when enough is enough. and of course i'm directing this at MTV for the "real" world (and road rules), CBS (for CSI vegas, nyc, miami, anchorage, and branson), NBC for law and order, and fox for whatever shit they decide to put on next (simpsons, family guy excluded).
look, networks, we get it. when you have a successful show, you can duplicate and replicate it many times in a year, make a few extra bucks and set the advertising market for the following year. and then you wonder why your shows take a dive after 4 years. they become too predictable, at which point you, predictably, take the plots completely over the top, thereby alienating anyone that was once a fan. and then your show is shot and you cancel it. so please, network executives, do us all a favor and limit your hidden camera tricks to a once in a while special rather than a weekly series. 'cause if you keep it up, the only thing you're going to catch is the elevator to the ground floor after you've been fired for failing to produce sustainable results.
sure, it started out as an idea novel to the "news" industry. but with the expansion of the news magazine show format (thanks 60 minutes for getting us started, and thanks "primetime" for setting the bar so. fucking. low.), these shows are going the way of the sitcom: unoriginal and overexposed.
the first time i saw a bunch of hilljack dudes from georgia getting arrested after driving 3 hours to meet who they thought was a 13 year-old girl was very, very disturbing. 3 or 4 in the first show was shocking; shocking to know that pedophelia (or whatever the appropriate term is regarding early adolescents) is perpetrated by guys my age that look, at the very least, normal, and shocking to know that it's so prevalent. naturally, the shock value has all but disappeared once a viewer gets to the point where he knows exactly what's going to by said and how the whole thing will play out.
what does continue to amaze me, however, is that the producers seem to think they can pull a fast one on me with doozies like, "...but john doe is in for an even bigger surprise...", as if i've managed to forget the 60 guys that have been arrested on camera over the past 2 months.
sometimes networks need to know when enough is enough. and of course i'm directing this at MTV for the "real" world (and road rules), CBS (for CSI vegas, nyc, miami, anchorage, and branson), NBC for law and order, and fox for whatever shit they decide to put on next (simpsons, family guy excluded).
look, networks, we get it. when you have a successful show, you can duplicate and replicate it many times in a year, make a few extra bucks and set the advertising market for the following year. and then you wonder why your shows take a dive after 4 years. they become too predictable, at which point you, predictably, take the plots completely over the top, thereby alienating anyone that was once a fan. and then your show is shot and you cancel it. so please, network executives, do us all a favor and limit your hidden camera tricks to a once in a while special rather than a weekly series. 'cause if you keep it up, the only thing you're going to catch is the elevator to the ground floor after you've been fired for failing to produce sustainable results.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
This Date in History - 1 Year Ago Today
1 year ago today i nearly died. 1 year later, i'm still here. still standing.
fuck you, death. you're a failure. you're terrible at your job. find someone else to pick on. you've tried twice with me and you've failed. and now i'm armed with pills, doctors, and a new lifestyle. good luck getting to me again.
you. can't. beat. me.
fuck you, death. you're a failure. you're terrible at your job. find someone else to pick on. you've tried twice with me and you've failed. and now i'm armed with pills, doctors, and a new lifestyle. good luck getting to me again.
you. can't. beat. me.
Part 2: This Date in History - The Greatest Fight Ever Fought
i've always considered myself an athlete. as such, on the 1 year anniversary of my new lease on life, i decided to portray my struggles as if i were a professional athlete. it may be stupid to some, but it's moderately cathartic to me. so, anyone that doesn't like it can eat my ass. i'll provide the spoon.
From the AP Newswire - Denver, CO
it's the greatest matchup never recorded in the annals of modern competition. 1 year ago today, there was an epic struggle between the traditional world powerhouse, death, and a little-known upstart, JY.
the low profile tussle was actually a rematch of the pair's first encounter years back, when death struck the first blow in the rivalry--serving JY with a vicious accident involving a semi truck and a jeep wrangler on a slippery, inundated roadway. JY walked away from the accident merely with two broken ribs and with a narrow victory.
the memory of this defeat stuck with death and served as motivation for his re-ascent to the top of the polls. after a short rebuilding program, death seemed stronger than ever and poised to make his mark and return to his previous glory, which he'd hoped to reclaim on december 22, 2005.
JY, fresh off a newly-introduced training regimen, had regained the form that had once lifted him to the top of the amateur ranks. though the training had given him the physical strength to compete, JY lacked the readiness and preparation needed for a successful fight.
the bell rang and death came out swinging, landing dull aches in JY's collarbone area. by round two, JY was unable to adapt and death continued to pummel his weaker opponent with flurries of shortness of breath and intense and explosive chest pain. the fight looked to be over by round three, when death knocked JY down, leaving him nearly unconscious and with no feeling in either arm.
the doctor's in JY's corner quickly came to their fighter's aid, inserting a stent through a catheder and prescribing numerous drugs, all without the referee's consent. JY was back on his feet in relatively short order and ready to resume. but the referee was not convinced and suspended the bout, which has yet to be continued.
the rivalry is intense. and when it continues at a later date, JY will hold a nearly insurmountable 2-0 advantage. but death is accustomed to playing from behind and has countless times in the past year come back from seemingly impossible deficits to win. many opponents have underestimated death's power and reach. rest assured, JY's trainers and doctors will have their fighter primed and ready to roll when fight continues.
for more information about this event, visit: www.americanheart.org
From the AP Newswire - Denver, CO
it's the greatest matchup never recorded in the annals of modern competition. 1 year ago today, there was an epic struggle between the traditional world powerhouse, death, and a little-known upstart, JY.
the low profile tussle was actually a rematch of the pair's first encounter years back, when death struck the first blow in the rivalry--serving JY with a vicious accident involving a semi truck and a jeep wrangler on a slippery, inundated roadway. JY walked away from the accident merely with two broken ribs and with a narrow victory.
the memory of this defeat stuck with death and served as motivation for his re-ascent to the top of the polls. after a short rebuilding program, death seemed stronger than ever and poised to make his mark and return to his previous glory, which he'd hoped to reclaim on december 22, 2005.
JY, fresh off a newly-introduced training regimen, had regained the form that had once lifted him to the top of the amateur ranks. though the training had given him the physical strength to compete, JY lacked the readiness and preparation needed for a successful fight.
the bell rang and death came out swinging, landing dull aches in JY's collarbone area. by round two, JY was unable to adapt and death continued to pummel his weaker opponent with flurries of shortness of breath and intense and explosive chest pain. the fight looked to be over by round three, when death knocked JY down, leaving him nearly unconscious and with no feeling in either arm.
the doctor's in JY's corner quickly came to their fighter's aid, inserting a stent through a catheder and prescribing numerous drugs, all without the referee's consent. JY was back on his feet in relatively short order and ready to resume. but the referee was not convinced and suspended the bout, which has yet to be continued.
the rivalry is intense. and when it continues at a later date, JY will hold a nearly insurmountable 2-0 advantage. but death is accustomed to playing from behind and has countless times in the past year come back from seemingly impossible deficits to win. many opponents have underestimated death's power and reach. rest assured, JY's trainers and doctors will have their fighter primed and ready to roll when fight continues.
for more information about this event, visit: www.americanheart.org
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I McHate You
so, mcdonald's was founded way back when in the 50's, and throughout its history has had many creative ad campaigns incorporating the "mc" into made up words and menu items. mcnuggets, mcrib, mcgriddle. the list goes on. it was cute, it was appropriate. it was played out and eventually ended--mercifully.
but "mc" has made a comeback, and it's not mcd's that's perpetrating the horror. no, it's every female between the ages of 15 and 45 who's obsessed with abc's hit show grey's anatomy. i'll admit, i've seen a few episodes, and despite the overly dramatized goings on of the show's characters, it was moderately enjoyable. while channel surfing last week, i stopped on "grey's" and lo and behold, the female characters had nicknamed some male doctors "mcdreamy" and "mcsteamy." i was petrified. and nauseated.
what was surely intended as a clever, witty line while writers brainstormed in the writer's room has become a phenomenon. it's present in office banter, personal ads (hey, when you're bored at work, craigslist is a kick-ass way to kill some time), and in everyday conversation on the street. why? why is it so funny, clever and witty that now everything extremely good or exceptionally bad must be "mc"something?!
we knew long ago that american society had fallen on hard times. blame mtv, blame the "liberal" media. blame them all for gen x and gen y (originality not gen y's strong suit, it seems) not giving a rat's ass about politics, current events, or anything going on outside their cozy cocoon. but did anyone forsee the total collapse of independent thought, originality, and even our language? moreso, could anyone have predicted that a tv show could fell them? ugh.
sure, i steal the occasional catchphrase from a show or song every now and again. but i'm still fully capable of using real words when necessary, even most of the time one may say. i realize that sooner or later the fad will fade, just like the boy band craze of the late 90's (man was i happy to see n'suck and their ilk fade to oblivion). but in the meantime, please, please, please lay off the "mc"adjectives just a little bit and speak english. at least pretend you're still your own person and that your life isn't completely consumed by an hour-long fictional "drama." god, i mchate grey's anatomy!
but "mc" has made a comeback, and it's not mcd's that's perpetrating the horror. no, it's every female between the ages of 15 and 45 who's obsessed with abc's hit show grey's anatomy. i'll admit, i've seen a few episodes, and despite the overly dramatized goings on of the show's characters, it was moderately enjoyable. while channel surfing last week, i stopped on "grey's" and lo and behold, the female characters had nicknamed some male doctors "mcdreamy" and "mcsteamy." i was petrified. and nauseated.
what was surely intended as a clever, witty line while writers brainstormed in the writer's room has become a phenomenon. it's present in office banter, personal ads (hey, when you're bored at work, craigslist is a kick-ass way to kill some time), and in everyday conversation on the street. why? why is it so funny, clever and witty that now everything extremely good or exceptionally bad must be "mc"something?!
we knew long ago that american society had fallen on hard times. blame mtv, blame the "liberal" media. blame them all for gen x and gen y (originality not gen y's strong suit, it seems) not giving a rat's ass about politics, current events, or anything going on outside their cozy cocoon. but did anyone forsee the total collapse of independent thought, originality, and even our language? moreso, could anyone have predicted that a tv show could fell them? ugh.
sure, i steal the occasional catchphrase from a show or song every now and again. but i'm still fully capable of using real words when necessary, even most of the time one may say. i realize that sooner or later the fad will fade, just like the boy band craze of the late 90's (man was i happy to see n'suck and their ilk fade to oblivion). but in the meantime, please, please, please lay off the "mc"adjectives just a little bit and speak english. at least pretend you're still your own person and that your life isn't completely consumed by an hour-long fictional "drama." god, i mchate grey's anatomy!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Previously on...
it appears as though the shield, one of my all time favorite shows, will be returning shortly. so too are there grumblings about the sopranos and (allegedly) the second half of the split season of the greatest man show ever created, entourage. and now i'm concerned.
with last night's promo of the return of the shield on FX, it occured to me that both FX and HBO need to hire more qualified production staffers. preferably some who understand that the definition of hiatus is "a short break or interruption." not a fucking wrinkle in time.
the breaks between seasons are so long that i often have to confer with friends at the beginning of one just to be able to piece together what happened at the end of the other. and the production crew feels they're doing me such a great service by giving me a 10-second recap that starts out, "previously on the shield." and instead of giving me a chronological recap, they do it picasso-style; a piece here, a piece there, leave some to the imagination. why should i be recreating the story? didn't you write it? what's more is that certain shows (i'm looking at you nip/tuck) can't even recap just one season! no, they have to throw in additional backstory from 2 or sometimes 3 seasons ago just to make it that much more confusing.
so, here's the scoop FX and HBO, either cut your hiatus time to somewhere between a month and a light year, or take an additional 3 minutes (hey you can do it at the end of a season, why not at the beginning?) and actually remind me of why the hell i tuned in in the first place. oh, and one other thing, this is for FX in particular, can you PLEASE cut back on the quality of your shows too? you're really beginning to cut into my sleep time on tuesday nights with shield, nip/tuck, rescue me, thief and (coming soon) the riches all showing that night throughout the year. wednesday hates you!
that's a wrap!
with last night's promo of the return of the shield on FX, it occured to me that both FX and HBO need to hire more qualified production staffers. preferably some who understand that the definition of hiatus is "a short break or interruption." not a fucking wrinkle in time.
the breaks between seasons are so long that i often have to confer with friends at the beginning of one just to be able to piece together what happened at the end of the other. and the production crew feels they're doing me such a great service by giving me a 10-second recap that starts out, "previously on the shield." and instead of giving me a chronological recap, they do it picasso-style; a piece here, a piece there, leave some to the imagination. why should i be recreating the story? didn't you write it? what's more is that certain shows (i'm looking at you nip/tuck) can't even recap just one season! no, they have to throw in additional backstory from 2 or sometimes 3 seasons ago just to make it that much more confusing.
so, here's the scoop FX and HBO, either cut your hiatus time to somewhere between a month and a light year, or take an additional 3 minutes (hey you can do it at the end of a season, why not at the beginning?) and actually remind me of why the hell i tuned in in the first place. oh, and one other thing, this is for FX in particular, can you PLEASE cut back on the quality of your shows too? you're really beginning to cut into my sleep time on tuesday nights with shield, nip/tuck, rescue me, thief and (coming soon) the riches all showing that night throughout the year. wednesday hates you!
that's a wrap!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Viral Love
dear cold or flu virus,
flirting is nice. it's even "cute" by some standards. but for christ's sake, at some point, you have to have the cojones to actually make a move on me. for weeks now you've been tantalizing me with tokens of your affection; a sore throat here, a mild fever there. it's very sweet and i certainly appreciate the gestures, but this passive-agressive thing you've got going on is really growing old.
your friends were never like this when i'd hooked up with them in the past. they were the "take-charge" kind of viruses. ya know, the ones that would bed me without the courtesy of so much buying me a drink first. they were the alpha viruses to your beta. i realize now that i really need someone like that in my life to get me sick.
what is it that makes you like this, that you can't commit? did you have a bad relationship with another infectee in the past? was he abusive? did he go overboard with the cold medicines? what could he have possibly done to make you so apprehensive, so tentative?
sure, you've made some progress over the past few weeks. i was really impressed that you caused me to leave work early today on account of a 1-2 punch i didn't see coming. but it's not enough. really, it's not. i need more from a virus.
so, i'm giving you an ultimatum: either go ahead and actually get me sick like a real virus would, or get out of my life for good. i really can't handle the vascillation. it's irritating, it's confusing, and it's a bit hurtful to feel as though you don't care enough about me to give me your all. i know it's short notice, but i can only give you till tomorrow morning to make your decision. at that time, i'll be up and at 'em, getting ready for work, complete with a full slate of interviews and client meetings. in short, i NEED to know.
if it turns out that you simply can't commit to me, i'll understand. and i'll wish you the best of luck in your future relationships. but, if you decide this is what you really want, you'll know where to find me.
always with love,
JY
flirting is nice. it's even "cute" by some standards. but for christ's sake, at some point, you have to have the cojones to actually make a move on me. for weeks now you've been tantalizing me with tokens of your affection; a sore throat here, a mild fever there. it's very sweet and i certainly appreciate the gestures, but this passive-agressive thing you've got going on is really growing old.
your friends were never like this when i'd hooked up with them in the past. they were the "take-charge" kind of viruses. ya know, the ones that would bed me without the courtesy of so much buying me a drink first. they were the alpha viruses to your beta. i realize now that i really need someone like that in my life to get me sick.
what is it that makes you like this, that you can't commit? did you have a bad relationship with another infectee in the past? was he abusive? did he go overboard with the cold medicines? what could he have possibly done to make you so apprehensive, so tentative?
sure, you've made some progress over the past few weeks. i was really impressed that you caused me to leave work early today on account of a 1-2 punch i didn't see coming. but it's not enough. really, it's not. i need more from a virus.
so, i'm giving you an ultimatum: either go ahead and actually get me sick like a real virus would, or get out of my life for good. i really can't handle the vascillation. it's irritating, it's confusing, and it's a bit hurtful to feel as though you don't care enough about me to give me your all. i know it's short notice, but i can only give you till tomorrow morning to make your decision. at that time, i'll be up and at 'em, getting ready for work, complete with a full slate of interviews and client meetings. in short, i NEED to know.
if it turns out that you simply can't commit to me, i'll understand. and i'll wish you the best of luck in your future relationships. but, if you decide this is what you really want, you'll know where to find me.
always with love,
JY
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
To the rescue!
when you pay near-slave wages, you tend to attract--how shall we say--lower-rung talent. but often, these people have the best stories. or weirdest, in this case.
an older gentleman (term used loosely) came into our office to fill out an application and to interview. we're in the middle of a hiring frenzy on the heels of securing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with a certain fortune 200 satellite tv provider, and we need all the help we can get. well, almost.
for some odd reason or another, i was pulled into the interview along with the sales manager. before we even get started, the man asks, "how long are your breaks?" looking over the application, we notice that the guy has had 3 jobs recently...all in the last month. the stage was set for the all-time weirdest and worst interview.
sales manager (SM): what happened at these jobs that you had 3 in the same month?
APPLICANT: the break times weren't long enough. one of those jobs wanted me to work 3 hours in a row and then take a 15 minute break. that's like a sweatshop!
sadly, he was unaware that the law only requires a 15 minute break every 4 hours. we continue...
APP: do you guys get a lunch break?
SM: well, the way our schedule works now, we do on the day shift.
APP: oh, what about the evening shift? do they get a lunch too?
SM: presently, no. but we'll be changing our schedule shortly to include a lunch.
APP: okay, one more question. i'm a smoker. if i get really stressed out and need an extra cigarette, will you let me have an extra smoke break?
SM: well, for my top reps i tend to be more lenient with things like that. if you're performing really well, then i try to accomodate a few extra needs here and there. nothing excessive though.
APP: right, i understand.
to this point, the guy is a complete joke and a waste of my time. until this gem of an exchange. here's where it got fun/interesting/confusing/scary/entertaining....
SM: i see that you have some activity on your background (criminal). what can you tell me about that?"
APP: (hereafter referred to as "vigilante" or "hero"): yeah, let me explain that. you see, it's all a big misunderstanding. what i do is actually foil crimes (yes, he really said 'foil'). back in the 80s i was arrested in connection with a bank robbery. i knew the guys that were involved and was with them when they went to the bank. but what they didn't know was that i was planning on double-crossing them and holding them there till the cops showed up to arrest them. but the cops showed up early and thought i was in on the robbery.
Me: i see. so you were trying to prevent the crime from happening.
Hero: yes, i was trying to foil the crime. that's what i do.
SM: uh huh.
after the shock had worn off from this completely unexpected disclosure, SM and i decided to have a bit more fun with the applicant, knowing there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell the guy would be hired here...or anywhere for that matter.
Me: okay, if you could have your choice of any job, what would it be? it doesn't even have to be a real job. just tell me what your dream job is.
Vigilante: i'd be county safety commissioner
Me: seriously? why?
Vigilante: well, i went to see the saftey commissioner recently. had a 30 minute sit-down with the guy.
Me: why?
Vigilante: well, with all the hooligans running around these days, i think everyone should have a gun to protect themselves. and with my background, i couldn't get approved for a gun. so i went to the commissioner to ask him to grant me a license for a concealed weapon. i mean, i need it not only to protect myself, but also to help foil crimes. he turned me down. and he was a complete asshole.
Me: i'm sure he was.
SM: okay, mr. ___ do you have any other questions for me?
Hero: not really. just wanted to make sure of the breaks and lunch thing.
SM: okay, well, we'll be calling your references and will get back to you if we think there's a match.
Hero: how long will that take?
SM: a few days probably.
Hero: a few days? why dont' you just call them now? you can call them right now, i'll listen to you.
SM: i'm actually pretty busy. so it'll take a few days.
Hero: that's ridiculous. you shouldn't call my job references. they'll say some bad things about me. they didn't know me very well.
SM: i'm guessing they didn't know you very well because you were there less than a week?
Hero: no, they're just all assholes. you should call my personal references instead. go ahead and do it now. call them!
SM: no. we'll be in touch. thanks for coming in.
this was a real occurrence, a true story. i defy ANYONE to re-create a worse (yet more entertaining) interview story. if you can, tell me later...i need a break.
an older gentleman (term used loosely) came into our office to fill out an application and to interview. we're in the middle of a hiring frenzy on the heels of securing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with a certain fortune 200 satellite tv provider, and we need all the help we can get. well, almost.
for some odd reason or another, i was pulled into the interview along with the sales manager. before we even get started, the man asks, "how long are your breaks?" looking over the application, we notice that the guy has had 3 jobs recently...all in the last month. the stage was set for the all-time weirdest and worst interview.
sales manager (SM): what happened at these jobs that you had 3 in the same month?
APPLICANT: the break times weren't long enough. one of those jobs wanted me to work 3 hours in a row and then take a 15 minute break. that's like a sweatshop!
sadly, he was unaware that the law only requires a 15 minute break every 4 hours. we continue...
APP: do you guys get a lunch break?
SM: well, the way our schedule works now, we do on the day shift.
APP: oh, what about the evening shift? do they get a lunch too?
SM: presently, no. but we'll be changing our schedule shortly to include a lunch.
APP: okay, one more question. i'm a smoker. if i get really stressed out and need an extra cigarette, will you let me have an extra smoke break?
SM: well, for my top reps i tend to be more lenient with things like that. if you're performing really well, then i try to accomodate a few extra needs here and there. nothing excessive though.
APP: right, i understand.
to this point, the guy is a complete joke and a waste of my time. until this gem of an exchange. here's where it got fun/interesting/confusing/scary/entertaining....
SM: i see that you have some activity on your background (criminal). what can you tell me about that?"
APP: (hereafter referred to as "vigilante" or "hero"): yeah, let me explain that. you see, it's all a big misunderstanding. what i do is actually foil crimes (yes, he really said 'foil'). back in the 80s i was arrested in connection with a bank robbery. i knew the guys that were involved and was with them when they went to the bank. but what they didn't know was that i was planning on double-crossing them and holding them there till the cops showed up to arrest them. but the cops showed up early and thought i was in on the robbery.
Me: i see. so you were trying to prevent the crime from happening.
Hero: yes, i was trying to foil the crime. that's what i do.
SM: uh huh.
after the shock had worn off from this completely unexpected disclosure, SM and i decided to have a bit more fun with the applicant, knowing there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell the guy would be hired here...or anywhere for that matter.
Me: okay, if you could have your choice of any job, what would it be? it doesn't even have to be a real job. just tell me what your dream job is.
Vigilante: i'd be county safety commissioner
Me: seriously? why?
Vigilante: well, i went to see the saftey commissioner recently. had a 30 minute sit-down with the guy.
Me: why?
Vigilante: well, with all the hooligans running around these days, i think everyone should have a gun to protect themselves. and with my background, i couldn't get approved for a gun. so i went to the commissioner to ask him to grant me a license for a concealed weapon. i mean, i need it not only to protect myself, but also to help foil crimes. he turned me down. and he was a complete asshole.
Me: i'm sure he was.
SM: okay, mr. ___ do you have any other questions for me?
Hero: not really. just wanted to make sure of the breaks and lunch thing.
SM: okay, well, we'll be calling your references and will get back to you if we think there's a match.
Hero: how long will that take?
SM: a few days probably.
Hero: a few days? why dont' you just call them now? you can call them right now, i'll listen to you.
SM: i'm actually pretty busy. so it'll take a few days.
Hero: that's ridiculous. you shouldn't call my job references. they'll say some bad things about me. they didn't know me very well.
SM: i'm guessing they didn't know you very well because you were there less than a week?
Hero: no, they're just all assholes. you should call my personal references instead. go ahead and do it now. call them!
SM: no. we'll be in touch. thanks for coming in.
this was a real occurrence, a true story. i defy ANYONE to re-create a worse (yet more entertaining) interview story. if you can, tell me later...i need a break.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Giving Back Feels Good...Sort of
an old lady. a 40-something blonde (beautiful) woman. a 20-something skinny girl. me. these are the heart disease survivors in attendance at the american heart association logistics committee meeting tonight. it was shocking to see such an array of people from differing backgrounds gathering in the same place for a common cause.
i'm not the volunteering type. never have been. tonight, however, i was selected as the sponsorship chairman for the 2007 denver heartwalk, my first foray into volunteering. though the responsibilities of my appointed chair are great, i'm actually looking forward to blasting expectations out of the water. it's an odd feeling for me, being passionate about something that doesn't directly benefit my wallet, but i'm confident the sense of dedication to the mission i felt tonight will carry through the event.
the meeting was informational at the very least, but i often found myself tuning out the conversations and falling into mini-flashbacks of my own experience. i wasn't so much focused on the event itself so much as all the emotions i've supressed since then in an effort to move on. i thought i'd done enough emotionally to completely put it past me. but hearing stories during our introductions of people having 2 valves replaced, a stroke, and 4 bypasses brought all the sentimentality rushing back.
with a lump in my throat for the duration of the hour and a half session, i listened as intently as i could as the coordinators and directors spoke of the new direction heartwalk was taking this year, as directed by AHA (american heart association). i was minimally excited, but largely inspired. it was an emotion i'd yet to truly experience in my life. and yet, i was being inspired only by the volunteers and the people whose jobs are solely to facilitate this event and nothing else. if such inspiration was to be had from merely sitting at a table with these people, i can only imagine the overwhelming sentinment that will be present june 2, 2007 as 8,000 people take to the streets to raise money for the treatment, education and prevention of heart disease--as i did last summer.
17 short days from now will mark the 1-year anniversary of my heart attack. i have no idea what my mood, thoughts and feelings will be that day. but if tonight was any indication, it'll likely be filled with tears, reflection, thanks, and hope. and through the wall of tears i'll finally see what this whole "making a difference and giving back" thing is all about. sigh.
i'm not the volunteering type. never have been. tonight, however, i was selected as the sponsorship chairman for the 2007 denver heartwalk, my first foray into volunteering. though the responsibilities of my appointed chair are great, i'm actually looking forward to blasting expectations out of the water. it's an odd feeling for me, being passionate about something that doesn't directly benefit my wallet, but i'm confident the sense of dedication to the mission i felt tonight will carry through the event.
the meeting was informational at the very least, but i often found myself tuning out the conversations and falling into mini-flashbacks of my own experience. i wasn't so much focused on the event itself so much as all the emotions i've supressed since then in an effort to move on. i thought i'd done enough emotionally to completely put it past me. but hearing stories during our introductions of people having 2 valves replaced, a stroke, and 4 bypasses brought all the sentimentality rushing back.
with a lump in my throat for the duration of the hour and a half session, i listened as intently as i could as the coordinators and directors spoke of the new direction heartwalk was taking this year, as directed by AHA (american heart association). i was minimally excited, but largely inspired. it was an emotion i'd yet to truly experience in my life. and yet, i was being inspired only by the volunteers and the people whose jobs are solely to facilitate this event and nothing else. if such inspiration was to be had from merely sitting at a table with these people, i can only imagine the overwhelming sentinment that will be present june 2, 2007 as 8,000 people take to the streets to raise money for the treatment, education and prevention of heart disease--as i did last summer.
17 short days from now will mark the 1-year anniversary of my heart attack. i have no idea what my mood, thoughts and feelings will be that day. but if tonight was any indication, it'll likely be filled with tears, reflection, thanks, and hope. and through the wall of tears i'll finally see what this whole "making a difference and giving back" thing is all about. sigh.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Yeah, Baby!
i have no words to describe how disturbing and bizarre this case is. it happened last year, but the jurisprudence has finished. see and judge for yourself.
Friday, November 17, 2006
I know you did it, just admit
i'd begun to write a very lengthy post about my disgust for both o.j. simpson and his publisher, judith regan, for coming out with his new book and subsequent interview on fox. but the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach became too much to bear. and, no, it wasn't from the pizza i had tonight.
as despicable as it is that o.j. would approach anyone with this book idea (because he can't stand to be irrelevant 11 years later), it's equally abhorrent that anyone would publish such filth, let alone give phony reasons for doing so.
i'll get too worked up and wordy if i continue much further on this topic. so, i'll summarize my position on the whole thing: i'm going to buy o.j.'s book. and after rewriting both the foreword and the book sleeve to annihilate what little character each of these pathetic "human" beings have, i'll burn the damned thing and send the ashes, sprinkled with other substances that may or may not be hazardous to one's health if consumed, to both "the juice" and to the poor domestic violence victim seeking "closure," ms. regan, in the mail with an anonymous envelope.
okay, so i won't. but this does give me one more reason to hate rupert murdoch and fox "news," so i guess it's not all bad.
'i know you did it, just admit it! it'll be aight if you just say you did it. i KNOW you did it, just admit it.'
-- comedian chris rock in "bring the pain"
as despicable as it is that o.j. would approach anyone with this book idea (because he can't stand to be irrelevant 11 years later), it's equally abhorrent that anyone would publish such filth, let alone give phony reasons for doing so.
i'll get too worked up and wordy if i continue much further on this topic. so, i'll summarize my position on the whole thing: i'm going to buy o.j.'s book. and after rewriting both the foreword and the book sleeve to annihilate what little character each of these pathetic "human" beings have, i'll burn the damned thing and send the ashes, sprinkled with other substances that may or may not be hazardous to one's health if consumed, to both "the juice" and to the poor domestic violence victim seeking "closure," ms. regan, in the mail with an anonymous envelope.
okay, so i won't. but this does give me one more reason to hate rupert murdoch and fox "news," so i guess it's not all bad.
'i know you did it, just admit it! it'll be aight if you just say you did it. i KNOW you did it, just admit it.'
-- comedian chris rock in "bring the pain"
Monday, November 06, 2006
Health Update --- This I DO Want
an update from the desk of my doctor:
amazingly, and to the complete shock (seriously) of both the radiologist and my doctor, the CT scan came back negative...which means, for the time being, i'm okay. i should clarify and say that they're 99.9% sure that there is no existence of ischemic, nor ulcerative colitis, nor crohn's disease, which is prevalent in my family. my kidneys also appear clean at the moment.
however, neither the radiologist nor my doctor could provide an alternative explanation for the pain, swelling and mild nausea i continue to experienc, which still leaves the slightest possibilities for other maladies. i've been given a week to make some minor dietary changes to attempt to relieve some of the inflammation. after that time, if no improvement is made, i'll have to undergo more testing. i'm confident that it won't be necessary and am beyond a word synonymous with "relieved" that it doesn't appear my condition is chronic.
so, apologies to anyone on the receiving end of my overreaction. perhaps next time i should pick a doctor that doesn't follow the phrase "i'm not really certain what it could be" with 3 very serious chronic illnesses, and i'll try not to send myself into hysterics.
amazingly, and to the complete shock (seriously) of both the radiologist and my doctor, the CT scan came back negative...which means, for the time being, i'm okay. i should clarify and say that they're 99.9% sure that there is no existence of ischemic, nor ulcerative colitis, nor crohn's disease, which is prevalent in my family. my kidneys also appear clean at the moment.
however, neither the radiologist nor my doctor could provide an alternative explanation for the pain, swelling and mild nausea i continue to experienc, which still leaves the slightest possibilities for other maladies. i've been given a week to make some minor dietary changes to attempt to relieve some of the inflammation. after that time, if no improvement is made, i'll have to undergo more testing. i'm confident that it won't be necessary and am beyond a word synonymous with "relieved" that it doesn't appear my condition is chronic.
so, apologies to anyone on the receiving end of my overreaction. perhaps next time i should pick a doctor that doesn't follow the phrase "i'm not really certain what it could be" with 3 very serious chronic illnesses, and i'll try not to send myself into hysterics.
Friday, November 03, 2006
"I Don't Want This!"
after nearly 2 weeks of discomfort and pain in my abdomen, i visited a doctor today. naturally we discussed my recent health issues, the cardiac variety for those of you not in the know, and proceeded with the exam. dr. was apparently not pleased with his initial thoughts and ordered me to have a CT scan done...immediately. i asked what the problem could be, to which he provided 3 or 4 possibilities. none of them good. i'll refrain from listing them, as i won't officially know anything till monday.
i spent the better part of 4 hours at the imaging center, gagging down barium "milkshakes" and having other radioactive contrast injected intravenously. all this preparation and the scan was done in 10 minutes.
it seems that i don't subscribe to the traditional method of handling grief, as i skipped over the denial part and went straight to anger. perhaps it was the combination of finding out i may very well have a chronic disease on top of the tremendous stress i've been experiencing at work, and some struggles i've had in my personal life. prior to today, i've been in a perpetually foul mood for the last three days on account of the latter reasons. the former, essentially, sent me over the edge.
i needed to get out of the house tonight and figured i'd hit the bookstore. i'd write a little bit as a means of release. but my curiosity got the best of me and i headed to the "disease" section of the store. i picked up 2 books that explained in great detail the effects of the 3 (potential) diseases and read them cover to cover in fewer than 3 hours. by the end, i found myself devastated that my health had possibly become subject to any of the three.
again, the official diagnosis will not be available until monday, which gives me 2 full days to mull over all the possible directions my life can take depending on the outcome. i'll admit, i'm scared shitless, as all 3 diseases (in the most severe cases) have effects i couldn't have ever imagined suffering. reading other people's accounts (in the books) of their life experiences and difficulties with the diseases was not cathartic. rather it was painful, frightening, and left me fighting back tears in the middle of the bookstore knowing that i could very well experience the very same things.
i don't cry much. the last time, if memory serves, was when i was in the hospital last december being diagnosed with a myocardial infarction of the circumflex artery--that's a heart attack in layman's terms. but as i left the bookstore, the tears came. and they came hard. i tried to fight them back to no avail. i nearly lost control of my car during the 1.5 mile drive because i could hardly see through the wall of salty water building in my eyes. i got home and i lost it. for 20 minutes, the full effect of my fear had gotten the best of me and i cried as if it were the first time i'd ever done so. the whole time, i found myself repeating "i don't want this," as if my words could reach the heavens (who knows what or who's up there listening) and miraculously reverse my fortunes.
ordinarily, RAOG is intended to entertain if nothing else. but tonight, it serves no other purpose than to put my feelings into writing--to vent my frustration, anger, disappointment, fear and sadness at this situation. there are many of you who will surely provide the pat "it could be worse" or "there are others worse off than you" speeches, to which i'd respectfully reply, "put yourself in my shoes, at 27 years old, and tell me then that it could be worse."
there is a chance, however so slight, that the doctor could be completely wrong about this and that my symptoms are of something much less severe. i'm holding out hope that this is the case, but am under no illusion that it's likely. until monday, i'll continue to dwell on the endless possibilities that are ahead of me. i don't ask for prayers, since i'm not religious. but thoughts, well-wishes and a cure are always welcome.
JY
i spent the better part of 4 hours at the imaging center, gagging down barium "milkshakes" and having other radioactive contrast injected intravenously. all this preparation and the scan was done in 10 minutes.
it seems that i don't subscribe to the traditional method of handling grief, as i skipped over the denial part and went straight to anger. perhaps it was the combination of finding out i may very well have a chronic disease on top of the tremendous stress i've been experiencing at work, and some struggles i've had in my personal life. prior to today, i've been in a perpetually foul mood for the last three days on account of the latter reasons. the former, essentially, sent me over the edge.
i needed to get out of the house tonight and figured i'd hit the bookstore. i'd write a little bit as a means of release. but my curiosity got the best of me and i headed to the "disease" section of the store. i picked up 2 books that explained in great detail the effects of the 3 (potential) diseases and read them cover to cover in fewer than 3 hours. by the end, i found myself devastated that my health had possibly become subject to any of the three.
again, the official diagnosis will not be available until monday, which gives me 2 full days to mull over all the possible directions my life can take depending on the outcome. i'll admit, i'm scared shitless, as all 3 diseases (in the most severe cases) have effects i couldn't have ever imagined suffering. reading other people's accounts (in the books) of their life experiences and difficulties with the diseases was not cathartic. rather it was painful, frightening, and left me fighting back tears in the middle of the bookstore knowing that i could very well experience the very same things.
i don't cry much. the last time, if memory serves, was when i was in the hospital last december being diagnosed with a myocardial infarction of the circumflex artery--that's a heart attack in layman's terms. but as i left the bookstore, the tears came. and they came hard. i tried to fight them back to no avail. i nearly lost control of my car during the 1.5 mile drive because i could hardly see through the wall of salty water building in my eyes. i got home and i lost it. for 20 minutes, the full effect of my fear had gotten the best of me and i cried as if it were the first time i'd ever done so. the whole time, i found myself repeating "i don't want this," as if my words could reach the heavens (who knows what or who's up there listening) and miraculously reverse my fortunes.
ordinarily, RAOG is intended to entertain if nothing else. but tonight, it serves no other purpose than to put my feelings into writing--to vent my frustration, anger, disappointment, fear and sadness at this situation. there are many of you who will surely provide the pat "it could be worse" or "there are others worse off than you" speeches, to which i'd respectfully reply, "put yourself in my shoes, at 27 years old, and tell me then that it could be worse."
there is a chance, however so slight, that the doctor could be completely wrong about this and that my symptoms are of something much less severe. i'm holding out hope that this is the case, but am under no illusion that it's likely. until monday, i'll continue to dwell on the endless possibilities that are ahead of me. i don't ask for prayers, since i'm not religious. but thoughts, well-wishes and a cure are always welcome.
JY
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